Haunted by a memory

Yes still...it has been almost three years...I am still haunted. It never goes away, that I know but it never gets easier to deal. It just does not.

 I hesitate to write in my blog much when I have dark thoughts because then people think "Have you been ok lately?" "Are you sure you are ok?" My response...of course! I am as ok as I will ever be. I have a living son who I love MORE than life, a wonderful husband and loving family. But there is always a but...I have a daughter who is not here.

It will never go away that I did not hold her as much as I should have. I did not love on her near what I should have. I was so angry, hurt and scared for my own life. (as selfish as that may sound) I wish I could explain my mental state while in the hospital. One day all is fine. The next there is a dead baby in your room, in a bassinet all dressed up with clothes that are not hers, people taking pictures of her and trying to make her look peaceful. All of that I am of course grateful now but then it maddened me. I could not understand why anyone would want to remember all of this. I do remember all the tests from people asking what was going on...I do remember sending out this picture...

 

Honestly how else would I put into words what happened? I think the text said our angel Cara Meindel. Honestly I dont remember, I was so sick. 

Speaking of words...I honestly do not think people know how much words can effect a person. I will never forget hearing things like "It has been three months...you should try to move on" or "When I lost my grandparents..." how about the famous "She likes the drama her daughters death brings..." OR "Your facebook posts are making everyone sad." Really? Because writing was my ONLY form of outlet. No one around me knew exactly what I was going through except my husband and he was just as sad! 

Three years have passed and I will never forget any of that. I think about it often. Does it bother me? Yes of course. Why judge in a situation like this? No one has any idea! About judging. I am guilty as hell of that. Isnt everyone? But to judge grief? How someone grieves? Do it silently. 

Sometimes I do not know where my thoughts come from. They are so scattered when it comes to Cara. Still so much anger and sadness. Still they what if's. It will haunt me forever.

 

The man we love!

 

Happy Fathers Day Daddy we love you!

Of course happy Fathers Day to my Dad who just happens to be the best GrandPappies around!

Update!

A few weeks back I posted that I was diagnosed with mono. I had no idea it was pretty serious. I was tested back in Feb and it was negative. My test end of April showed positive so my doctor assumed I had it since April. I am finally starting to feel better and as of last week no more sore throat! Awesome! That was NOT fun!

Here are some pictures of our deck we stained this weekend!

And of course the little man!

Appointments

A boring post, but writing is my therapy. Grab your popcorn or leave now. I may bore ya!

So today I had my yearly appointment at the gynecologist. Nothing to report. Which is good! Nothing to report when it comes to that is always good news!

Today I also had a ENT appointment, where I had my hearing and allergies tested. For the past few years I have been getting sick quite a bit. Turn out that I am on a scale of 1-4 a 4 for some dust allergies, therefore I get allergies and start to feel the sore throat cough etc and assume I am getting sick. Which is really just in turn allergies. BUT since I never knew it was it progresses into a infection. So whenever I notice a sore throat coming on I am to take clariton. Now the allergy test I was hesitant to have done...doesn't everyone and their mother have allergies? Nonetheless, glad I had it done. Then onto my hearing! It tested good, he does notice some areas that should be retested in the next few months, but nothing to jump to some hearing aids or anything crazy! All good news!

Here is the big shocker. For the first time since losing my daughter I saw a therapist today as well! (I know a day full of fun exciting appointments!) I am going to try to wean off Zoloft.  Carter had withdraws when he was born and honestly I do not want to depend or be on it my whole entire life! As most of you know, it is not because of depression, but my crazy anxiety ridden mind.
  Lately I have had so much bothering me personally. I broke down to see a therapist. I mean how are you supposed to come off Zoloft if you still have anxiety! Talking things through made me realize, I cant please everyone. All I can do is be the best person I can be. Be the best wife, mother and friend. I am confident I am all of those and more importantly I am confident that I am a good person. I have a good heart and I would give the shirt off my back to someone in need. I always always put others before myself (which I know is not always a good thing) I always treat others the way I want to be treated and I know that life is simply too short not to do so. SO! Fingers crossed this all goes well! Cheers to a zoloft free life.

I feel like a mother hen. Isnt nesting only supposed to take place when you are pregnant? I nest months before I get pregnant. (Or hope to be pregnant) It is preparation that my body and mind are as healthy as possible.

I do have a few appointments left. I have a annual with my internal medicine doctor as well as a followup with my cardiologist!

I am now going to focus on myself and my beautiful family!