Fast Forward

Before I lost Cara all I did was plan. Weeks and months in advance...what I was doing, what time, with who etc. After I lost her that all came to a halt as I realized it simply is not important. I had all these plans the weeks after her death before she died. Never would I have thought I would have been penciling in funeral. I  focused on today and tomorrow, and that was about it. My life was so simplified. So really making plans weeks and months in advance is so useless.

However I find myself slowly reverting back. Getting overwhelmed with scheduling, my anxiety kicks in. "What time am I going to the gym?" "What time should I start dinner?" "What time is my show on?" "What day should I plan to get my nails done?" I try to do 10 million things at once sometimes, or I want to plan out the whole month of July, so I know what I am doing and with who. I am realizing again it is just not important to "plan." The important thing is that the important things I need to do always end up getting done. The important people I need to see and need in my life will always be there no matter what. So why try to do everything?

Right now in my life I am over the moon, thrilled and in love of course with my son. Making him happy and my family happy is what matters most. So day by day it is again.

A little something

A must read

Please go to this link and read this amazing well written post about "Our Dead Babies"

Malory's Blog! (Mommy to Janessa)

Double Header

Two posts? I am on a roll! How fantastic is this! Well have some news to share! We are officially house hunting! May take a month may take a year, who knows! All we know is that we ARE NOT settling! We have time on our side as our home already sold and we have the luxury of being able to stay with my parents until we find something that we truly love. Stressful, but this will all be worth it!

My Pappy is back in the hospital. He is having a pacemaker and defibrillator put in tomorrow.  They said this could give him ten more years and he will hopefully be home by Wednesday, provided all goes well. Which it will. It has to.

I will end this post with a Carter pic!

Promise Walk 2011

The Promise Walk this year was wonderful as always. I always look forward to this time every year. This year Team Cara did not raise near as much as we would have liked, but with bed rest, and just delivering my son 2 months ago, it was a bit difficult. I was all for planning and helping, until I had Carter. I guess I had a bit too much on my plate. All that matters is that we were there! Walking for Cara, and all the mothers and babies lives that were lost or effected by this horrible disease.

This year it was a 5k as well as a walk and my Mom ran and actually placed second in the 5k for her age group! Go Mom! I won a door prize go me!

We donated enough money to  have a mile marker for Cara made as well! 

We will always continue to look forward to this walk every single year. I hope I never have to miss it. Rain or shine, sick or not! Cheers to next year!

Prom 2029

I present you with future prom king and queen Carter & Lyla!

For those of you who are following Lyla's Story, she is HOME! Lyla is still on oxygen, and a G tube (which feeds her through her stomach) but she is doing great and is such a doll! Makes me happy just to see her smile! Lyla is 15 weeks, Carter is 8, she is tiny, but we just know she is going to catch up and do great! Carter does not mind a bit! After all what guy does not like a tiny girl!

Amelia and I are such great friends and I do everything I can to make sure I am here for her every step of the way in her journey is losing Brenna (which was just two weeks prior to our loss) and on this journey with Lyla! Amelia also has a son who is 4 and I can only imagine what he is going through, especially with Lyla being in the hospital for 14 weeks of her life so far! Poor guy!

I can't wait for our friendship to only get stronger as we share so many bonds, and I will be here with her on her journey with Lyla no matter what the future brings!

2 Months Old!

Precious Carter had his two month check up today. He weighs in at 11lbz 12oz and 22 inches. Well over the 50th percentile! Healthy as a horse! Carter is still on Zantac for his reflux but since he has been on that as well as sleeping a bit inclined he sleeps from 11pm-3 or 5:30 am...depends on the night but its been great! If he does wake up twice my husband will help me out with the 5:30 am feeding.

On Mothers Day Carter showed me how much he loved me by rolling over not once not twice but three times and we caught it on video! Amazing! My sweetness is smiling at me now and it is the most amazing thing. He likes to smile at Daddy more, but I just pretend I dont see that! haha!

Even at two months old I still look at him and it feels surreal, I can't believe he is mine!

I found gold!

Looking through memory cards we found  these three photos!

Great to find these on Mothers Day <3

A ramblin WOman

Thoughts of Cara have been filling my brain lately. It is almost constant. Of course not happy thoughts, and not sad ones either, just thoughts of her. I am so happy Carter is here in my arms. I guess I just still have no closure on what happened to Cara...what happened to me. Soon. Soon.

I find myself feeling a bit anxious from time to time. No idea what about. I am back in a routine, Work, Gym, Carter...thats my life. My poor husband fits in there somewhere, but right now we are focusing on loving our son, so many people say we need time together. I get that, trust me I do. What people do not realize is that we spent the past year and a half together, and alot of that time was spent sharing tears together, planning a memorial, walking for March of Dimes and Preeclampsia and raising money. We spent lots of quality time together that many couples never spend. Were good. So again no idea where the anxiety really comes into play, im thinking maybe just lack of sleep?

Another thing that I noticed is that I get so verrrrry easily annoyed...especially when people point out that I am always on facebook, or online or post too many pictures. Just a kind reminder I lost a child, so Carter is like gold, diamonds, the lottery, world peace rolled all in one, that and I have BLMs all over the world that love to see his pictures and family all over the US that love to watch him grow! If its an issue, I apologize but my son is w along awaited prized possession....sigh...the joys of being female right? All these emotions. That and there does just not seem to be enough time in the day!

Carter is now two months, we see more smiles, more good moods and more sleep! Hallelujah.