Summer Lovin

Panic Mode

Carter is getting big. Yes thats true. I have been noticing myself looking at babies more often and realizing that Carter is not so baby-ish anymore! I know that we would not even start trying until he is 2. We have a lot coming up in the next year. Moving, and doing some big time purchases. It is still on my mind. I find when I am shopping it is still hard to see little girl things.

Last night I was at a wedding...(Congrats Kalyn and Matt...Kalyn is a long time friend of 21 years)

and there was a 9 month old baby girl that crawled up to my husband and was of course in awe of him (just like how all babies seem to be) it made me really crave to have a baby girl. What if it's not a girl? What if my chance at a girl was taken away? How will I ever cope?

Its hard to think of those things as we all know that nothing in life is ever guarenteed. Especially the sex of a child.

I find myself thinking of Cara and getting so angry, but then realizing that she will forever be gone and that nothing will bring her home in my arms so being angry anymore is pointless. It has almost been two years...Nonetheless I hope one day to bring home another baby. Boy...or girl.

Save the drama for another momma!

This Momma does not want drama, especially online drama. NORMALLY it is not a big deal when things are said over my BLM facebook groups. HOWEVER this time it involved 4 of my REAL life friends that are BLM. I will not stand for individual attacking. People were being deleted from a group that was VEY helpful to them because they did not acknowledge someone's sons loss (only because they were not on facebook that day), or because of how they parent etc. I was also personally contacted from the group moderator to be "scolded" because of adding someone.

People should NEVER feel attacked in blog world or BLM group world. I will NOT stand for that or be any part in it. I removed myself from the group, and miss all my fellow BLMs that I got to know, but I can't be apart of anyone on a power trip. We all need support. We should be looking to build eachother up not put eachother down.

Also this is the message that I sent to the group moderater after I POLITELY removed myself. I do not think that was hateful as I was told she claimed it was...sigh...

I just wanted to say that it is sad you are on some sort of power trip. People need support and should not be judged...is that one of your own rules? Anyways I know a lot of people in your room in real life and I know my post was deleted. I will not stand for such negativity towards my fellow blms and myself. Some were hurt. I think you should be kind to others more often .

I have started my own facebook Momma group to go for advice, tips and support. There will be no judging!!

Dear Zoloft

How did I funtion without you? As you all know I am open honest and have nothing to hide. Zoloft is my drug of choice.

I was put on it after losing Cara. Actually after I loss her I was on Zoloft, Xanex and Ambien all just to help me live. Honestly. To help. ME. live. I thought I was going to die, could not drive near hospitals, saw my doctor every other day for blood pressure check up's for three weeks and even was scared to be alone. It was hard enough to cope. About 4 months later I felt good enough to come off my occasional Xanex (which in the first month after losing Cara I was taking three times a day...ya...) Then of course I got pregnant, and just stayed on the Zoloft.

Reciently It was a thought of trying to come off it, as I felt I do not need this anyone....Ya.....house hunting proves that thought WRONG. The past two weeks I have seen over 30 homes and only found one we like with outrageous taxes and at the top of our price range...sigh. The short sale that we put an offer on we were outbid...sigh...I am not happy with any home I see because I want perfection. Zoloft you are needed. That is for sure. Makes me wonder if I will ever be able to come off? Its strange that soemthing such as house hunting can trigger the same exact anxiety that losing my daughter did?

Again on a happy note I leave you with Cman!

Homes, Houses, Properties OH MY!

So far we have looked at over 30 homes! We were very overwhlemed at first, but now we know exactlly what we want. We have been able to raise our budget which is great in this market. It makes a huge difference on what we can look at!

We actually found a home that we wanted to put an offer on, it had a sunroom with heated slate flooring and backed up to a creek, however it was just too far of a drive to work as my husband and I live about a half an hour from work as it is.

We are looking forward to making our future home and neighborhood the best possible for our little man!

We did put an offer in on a short sale in a neighborhood we would otherwise not be able to afford. We are excited but know that it is a long shot as short sales take lots of time!

4 Months!

Carter is what? 4 months? AHHH! My peanut is not really a peanut anyone! SIGH...
14lbs 15oz and 25in long. 

He is still rolling over from back to front. He attempts to pull himself up (kind of like a sit up) Im always scared he is going to strain his little neck. He hates being held like a baby anymore, he likes to sit up and see everything. He LOVES bath and Pool time!

I always get complimented on his dark skin and green eyes! My husband and I both have brown but my Dad Brother and Grandmother have green. They could possibly change to brown but they are still very light. I also get complimented on what a good baby he is. He sleeps through the night, goes down around 9 and sleeps till 630. Sometimes 8!

ANNNND

Since Carter man is eating every two hours...guess who started rice cereal?

Its never going to be ok

Its just not. I am not sad or anything while I write this post, but I have realized that as I get further and further away from the worst days of my life, they are still there. There is no erasing, no rewind or fast forward, no matter what I do they haunt me. I find myself getting a tad bit excited at the fact of having a brother or sister for Carter, then quickly remember how death stared me in the face.

My situation was different, I did not just lose my daughter, I almost lost my life. NOT that it makes it any harder or easier because I am a firm believer that loss is loss, but it is one thing to be terrified of losing a child and then to have to also be terrified for your own life.

I look back and cant fathom how sick I was. It just was not me. That part of my life is such a blur. For 6 months after Cara's death and my hospital stay I was not me. There was no one home, no one upstairs. I was such a different person. My mind was empty.

I look back and remember sitting on the couch feeling as if my life was on hold. It was like I did not know who I was. What day it was, time, month, where I was suppoed to be the next day. I didnt shower, did not brush my teeth, never did my hair. I must have looked like a different person. That was not me.

Now I have a grave site to visit. She is actually in there...all 16 inches of her. Thats crazy. Its not my baby is it? Because that would not be right. For a mother to lose a child? Not these days.

Its hard for me to even remember being like that. My life is filled with utter happiness right now 110%. Its perfect in every way, except for the fact she is not here. Except for the fact I was very ill. I know, I know trust me I know, its a part of my past...Does anyone know where I can get that wand that erases memory like in Men and Black? That would be useful.

I am going ot leave you with never before seen pictures of my Cara...It took me almost 2 years to post these because she looks too "dead" in them, either way she is still beautiful.

A bit of Cara

The 4th of July!

Carter's 4th of July was spent in Wisconsin! It was also his first time in Wisconsin! That is where my husband's whole family is. We love it up there and one day hope to return. Carter had a blast at the lake! It is VERY important to me that my son learn to swim. I grew up with a inground swimming pool and I was a total FISH to put it mildly.

My husband and I were able to go to a nice dinner alone. First time since Carter was born!

Hope everyone had a safe 4th!

My light at the end of the tunnel

In these last two years the most important thing that I have learned is good things come to those who wait.

I have come to find some closure in losing Cara and have been feeling more at peace with her loss.

My family and I now see light at the end of the tunnel as we move forward with our future!!

Rainbow Bridge

 

After 17 long happy years, Dayzie Mae crossed over to Rainbow Bridge. Dayzie was my first dog and I loved her so much. She grew too old, and no one wanted her to suffer, so today she grew her wings. Love you always Dayzie, hopefully Charlie does not tease you too much up there!