Its just not. I am not sad or anything while I write this post, but I have realized that as I get further and further away from the worst days of my life, they are still there. There is no erasing, no rewind or fast forward, no matter what I do they haunt me. I find myself getting a tad bit excited at the fact of having a brother or sister for Carter, then quickly remember how death stared me in the face.
My situation was different, I did not just lose my daughter, I almost lost my life. NOT that it makes it any harder or easier because I am a firm believer that loss is loss, but it is one thing to be terrified of losing a child and then to have to also be terrified for your own life.
I look back and cant fathom how sick I was. It just was not me. That part of my life is such a blur. For 6 months after Cara's death and my hospital stay I was not me. There was no one home, no one upstairs. I was such a different person. My mind was empty.
I look back and remember sitting on the couch feeling as if my life was on hold. It was like I did not know who I was. What day it was, time, month, where I was suppoed to be the next day. I didnt shower, did not brush my teeth, never did my hair. I must have looked like a different person. That was not me.
Now I have a grave site to visit. She is actually in there...all 16 inches of her. Thats crazy. Its not my baby is it? Because that would not be right. For a mother to lose a child? Not these days.
Its hard for me to even remember being like that. My life is filled with utter happiness right now 110%. Its perfect in every way, except for the fact she is not here. Except for the fact I was very ill. I know, I know trust me I know, its a part of my past...Does anyone know where I can get that wand that erases memory like in Men and Black? That would be useful.
I am going ot leave you with never before seen pictures of my Cara...It took me almost 2 years to post these because she looks too "dead" in them, either way she is still beautiful.
21 comments:
Oh how I know what you mean my friend. Thank you so much for sharing these pictures of Cara. She is and always will be such a beautiful little girl <3
Beautiful in death, as she would have been in life.
I know what you mean when you say you get caught up in the excitement of a sibling for Carter, and then... Oh wait, he had one. I feel like that, even as we ttc#2. Excited about the idea of a "take home and live forever" baby, and then I remember I nearly had that, already.
It's such a huge risk, to let yourself hope and dream again. Knowing it can all be taken away just as quickly.
No, your life will never be the same. :(( Big Hugs!! Cara is beautiful and perfect and I love the last picture of her. I hate that I have to go visit Ryan at a cemetary, yet I still want to go there, because it's my child. I feel like I still have to take care of her in a sense..what you went through is scary and even though Carter is perfect, I am sure it is very scary to think about future pregnancies and babies....just doesnt seem fair.
She is beautiful. Thank you for trusting us to see her beauty.
Thank you for sharing your pictures of your beautiful girl, so beautifully photographed. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and opening up, big hugs to you, I dont know you but I feel so close to you through your blog.
She looks so sweet and peaceful, especially in the last picture. Thank you for sharing!
Beautiful Pictures!!!
She is too beautiful for words!
Lots of love and prayers today!
xoxox
Oh Cara is beautiful! I know what you mean about it never being OK. I love Kaedence with all my being...but without Kherrington, we wouldn't have Kaedence. Rainbows are such a bittersweet thing! You are SO brave to have a sibling for Carter!! We have decided that Kaedence is it...for many reasons. I also have pictures of Kherrington that haven't been touched up, and are just far to graphic for me to share..maybe someday I'll get there. *hugs*
What an absolutely beautiful angel Cara is. Thank you for sharing her with us. I have never commented before but I want you to know what a beautiful family you have, both here on earth and in heaven. Bless you all.
No, it's never going to be ok, I am learning that too!
I know the same experience, almost losing my life that same day exactly one year ago when I lost my sadies life!
Now the Drs tell me 50-100% chance severe PE and HELLP will hit again...scary stuff!
You daughter is beautiful, so precious! The pictures are beautiful never let them go!
Hugs
The pain doesn't go away, you learn to live with the pain. It is never gone just there in a different way, your heart and brain learn to go on, need to go on and to live a life in a way that you know that is best for you. You are loved very much.
Cara is absolutely beautiful!!! you are so strong to post them! I hope one day I have the strength to post Rosie on my blog. She does not look "dead" actually, she just looks like she is sleeping, but i am still terrified of what others may think of her, because she is perfect to me. You are definitely an inspiration!! HUGS!
no, sweetie, it never will. ((hugs)). thank you for sharing these photos. she is beautiful.
Beautiful pictures of Cara.
It is so hard to look to the future when you know what was left behind. There is always that sad little moment lurking over every happy one. Thank you for sharing this post. Cara is so beautiful and she will never be forgotten<3
She is beautiful and so are those pictures! Thank you for sharing them with us.
I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Cara....and beautiful she is in all these pictures! Thank you for sharing her with us.
Truly too Beautiful for Earth! Thank you for sharing these precious pictures of Cara and for sharing the inside of your heart. You give me hope with your amazing strength and your honesty - that life will always be different.
Thank you for sharing - Cara is beautiful!
I do not know you nor do you know me but your story has truly changed my life and made me realize I can't take one moment for granted..may you have peace and love in your heart always <3
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