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Monday, August 30, 2010

Into a book

As I know my story is no fairy tale I would like to make this blog into a book. Not the kind i have been talking about so often like being published and sold at Barnes and Noble. (Thats in my future I promise) Im talking about the kind I can keep at home for my child to read one day. Kind of like how shutterfly makes one? Anyone have any suggestions?

Also remember I am totally open to any questions about my past present or future. L412angel at aol!

Fall

My most favorite time of year is the fall. Or at least it was. I am not sure how I will feel. Last fall was filled with excitement for my baby shower and for the holidays. Little did I know how sick I was. I remember Kyle planted me huge mums in my front yard. We went to car shows and pumpkin farms. Now just the sight of halloween stuff makes me all uneasy. 

Last Halloween my baby was slowly getting sicker and sicker inside of me, and no one knew. Last fall my baby passed away. I was admitted into the hospital Nov 16, released the 19th only to return back the 22 and by the time I was out it was basically winter.

Just makes me sad. 

Thanksgiving last year was impossible. It was 2 days after I was released from the hospital still pretty sick. I counted down the hours until I could take my Xanex again and go to sleep. I also took my blood pressure about 16 times an hour. No joke. 

This thanksgiving I am hoping to be filled with happiness. Although her one year birthday is coming up. Fall is going to be a rough time.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

This aggravates me...

August 14, 2010

SO as everyone knows yes I am pregnant. I am so reluctant yet eager and excited all at the same time to start buying things and planning things. This pregnancy is different. I am the highest of high risk. I am literally risking my well being to have a child. Do NOT get me wrong. Im happy to do it. I want a living child so bad. I know what could happen to me, but I am willing to take that risk to bring home a healthy child! I want more than anything to have a normal pregnancy...however I know that nothing about my pregnancy is normal.

So soon into my pregnancy... im only 8 weeks....I started the all day nausea. Its becoming real. Im really doing this again. However it blows my mind there are people out there that have such strong opinions on how this pregnancy will go, how I should act, how I should not be overcome with fear.  SERIOUSLY PEOPLE! Just BECAUSE I lost my child before and I was VERY ill one time...DOES NOT mean I have some magical golden ticket that everything is going to be roses and ponies...I am not guaranteed a healthy pregnancy...no one is. My whole world fell apart.  So really what I need to be is REALISTIC.  Just because my doctors are watching me and I know what to look for does not mean Preeclampsia will not happen. Yes I 100% hope it does not. BUT I know it can...so in that case I have to do everything in my power this time to try to prevent it from happening. I simply can't sit here and say I will not get Preeclampsia. I will not have a child in the NICU. Because let me tell you my odds of both those things are pretty high. So I NEED to be prepared, and do everything in my power to have knowledge of both Preeclampsia and the NICU rollercoaster that so many mom's have taken. If I dont get preeclampsia. That will be FANTASTIC. I can't even imagine how happy I will be...however I will still spend 9 months worrying that I am going to loose another child and possibly my own life due to preeclampsia. I just can't help but worry that, since it was real before.

For those who do not understand how it works. (honestly as much as people think they are "educated" about pregnancy...pregnancy and high risk with the loss of a child pregnancy in my eyes are two TOTALLY different things, so unless you have lost a child and gone through a super high risk pregnancy...your not as educated as you think...but thats why I blog right?) Preeclampsia can occur anywhere from 20 weeks on. High Blood pressure is a huge indicator. For that reason this pregnancy I need to lay low. Make sure I am not over doing it in any way, that way we can hopefully keep my blood pressure and stress levels down.

I did not just have Preeclampsia as a fluke. I have numerous factors that predispose me to the disease. One being my blood disease Factor V Leiden. My blood over clots. Scary. Yes I know that "most people are fine" with it. I was not fine with it...clearly...I also know how serious it can be in pregnancy. I also have high cholesterol and a family history of Preeclampsia. Not to mention I myself had a fetal demise due to Preeclampsia. So if you went through all that would you say "This pregnancy is going to be absolutely fantastic..." I think not.

FYI...Just because I am pregnant again does not cure my hurt for losing Cara. If anything this pregnancy is going to be super hard because I know loss is reality.

Another FYI...just because you, your wife, your daughter, your friend...whoever has been pregnant and have been fine... If you have a living child...you will not understand my feelings throughout this pregnancy. Also does not mean that my pregnancy will go anything like yours or theirs. This pregnancy I wanted more than anything not to have all day nausea. Well that just was not in the cards, so its harder in that aspect already being so sick and worrying all at the same time. I know people can get annoyed if I am sick...so I try to just be happy and smile and not be sick as much as I can.

So please bear with me when I freak out over a one point in my blood pressure, or when I just need to lay in bed all day, or when I am not feeling right. I know me better than anyone else out there.

I guess what I ask of people during this difficult time. Please dont tell me not to worry. Please dont tell me I will be fine. Please if you have a opinion on how I should be feeling, just do not say anything at all.

Im not a negative person. That I promise. I am just a realist. I can't help it.

On a very happy note wanted to share these butterfly footprints made by Mallory

Friday, August 27, 2010

Sharing information on HELLP and Preeclampsia

HELLP is rare right? Yet so many of us have had it. Cant find THAT much information on it. I found this...thought I would share.

Patients with a history of HELLP probably are at significant risk for the development of pre-eclampsia with or without HELLP in the next pregnancy. HELLP has up to a 27% chance of reoccurance in the next pregnancy.  Especially if it was class I HELLP. 
Pre-eclampsia is more likely to happen in a second pregnancy especially if HELLP and pre-eclampsia were both diagnosed. Mild pre-eclampsia at term is less likely to recur (5-10%) and when it does it's usually mild again. 
 
A characteristic of pre-eclampsia-eclampsia that is frequently overlooked is the tendency of the condition to occur in daughters and sisters of women with a history of pre-eclampsia. 


WHy did I get HELLP or Preeclampsia you ask?
For some reason Vasospasms start in your body.  The blood vessels start to act like a muscle relaxing and contracting.  Like opening and closing your fist.  As blood is passed through these relaxing and contracting veins it causes damage to a special lining that is found in the veins.  As this damage occurs to your red blood cells  your platelets come to the rescue to try and heal the damage.  In the process they create clots over the damage.  Those clots get bigger and bigger and begin to stress your body as it try's to push the blood past this damage.
 
Your body tries to make up for the damage red blood cells, which causes your veins to become 'leaky' by increasing your body's water volume.  Your kidneys start to hold on to more water resulting in low urine output.  Swelling come from those leaky veins. The decreased blood flow only adds further strain to your heart, lungs, brain, kidneys and liver. 
In HELLP the liver is mainly affected.  It is deprived of Oxygen because the the clots. It begins to die. This begins the rise in Liver Enzymes or the pain that is often misdiagnosed as Heartburn or feeling "Flu-y".

Of course these Vasospasm that cause damage also cause damage to the vessels in and out of the Placenta.  The stress causes IUGR.


Information from this post was taken here 

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Question 1.

I just wanted to ask about how you were planning to cope with any anxiety that you might have about this pregnancy?
I am hoping to TTC at the end of this year but am so super worried about it (I lost my little girl, Florence at 25 weeks and nearly lost my own life too due to horrible HELLP) that I just don't know how I will cope if and when I'm pregnant again so any suggestions would be most helpful. 

The easiest thing for me is taking it one day at a time. Today im pregnant and I do not have PE or HELLP. Today is a good day. Its hard to say until you get further along how one will handle anxiety. In the beginning yes there is that fear of miscarrage, but I always just remind myself, whatever happens will happen and unfortunately there is nothing I can do about it. Other than that big worry the beginning is quite uneventful. 

As a fellow PE survivor you know what it can do to your body mind and soul. As for anxiety, after I lost Cara I spent the next three weeks at home (one of which was in the hospital)  wondering if I was going to die from a stroke. This time around I know I have doctors who take my seriously, and I will be watched very closely. Close monitoring is key. Catching things before they progress is what we will be hoping to do. That way I do not get as sick as I was with Cara. 

I will say this the Preeclampsia Forums has been and is a lifesaver to me. Those women understand. While many people sit back and think you are overreacting or will be fine this pregnancy, its nice to have people who truly understand what you have been through. For me if I did not TTC again the mere though of "what if I would have had a healthy pregnancy" would have haunted me. I did not want to give up with Cara. I wanted more. I wanted a pregnancy where doctors listened to me and my concerns.

Lastly, Zoloft. :)  

In the back of my mind

I have to get this off my chest. I have a whole DVD of pictures of Cara. Some I have not shown the world (because again its just too hard for people to see her lifeless body) Well the DVD for some reason is not working on my computer anymore. Kinda freaks me out. Im going to try on my laptop, if that does not work, my boss is great with DVD and computer stuff, so is my good friends boyfriend...maybe they would be able to help.

Another thing on my mind is I wish I had more time with her. Cara was born on a tuesday at 2:30. I barely spent anytime with her, (in reality I did not want to...sad I know) I had the funeral home come and take her from us against my husband and fathers wishes on wednesday. I kept thinking the sooner she is gone, the sooner I will get better and the sooner this pain will all go away, I can go home and act like this never happened. So pissed at myself. I also have only been to one funeral before, and it was no one in my family. So for me this was the first time seeing a dead body. Not to mention it was in my room. For some reason at the time it felt wrong. Maybe it is because I was so sick...who knows. The mind really plays tricks on you.

I wish I had more pictures...more time.

Monday, August 23, 2010

I need out

Our home is on the market! There are many different reasons. I was 21 years old when I bought my townhome on my own. Lets just say a super high % rate was the only way I could do that at 21. The economy was booming, it was new construction yada yada. Well 5 years later thanks to a crashed economy and a neighborhood of foreclosures, we are still here. Its too small. Its an hour away from my MFM, half hour away from my OB, 45 minutes away from work for both Kyle and I, and an hour from my parents and 2.5 from his. Also our saving we had was depleted...down to nothing...well possibly a mere 500 dollars. After we lost Cara and my week hospital stay even with insurance, that was a chunk right there. Then there was Charlies 6,000$ surgery, another chunk. THEN there was all my numerous tests and weeks of blood work. Needles to say...hasta luego savings!

Now if we sold our home we would be taking a huge hit. HUGE. So we will be moving in with our parents. This pregnancy will be tough enough. I will need all the help I can get. I will be cutting hours at work as soon as I am told (which I am hoping to get to 22 weeks without having to do so) and I will also be on bed rest at some point which I am hoping to get to 30 weeks without it.  We would have our own room and bathroom and so would baby. We would also be able to take our dogs with us. Hopefully Gia behaves like a good girl. (We have had issues with her separation anxiety which entails eating furniture...) But I will be only returning to work 3 days a week, and Kyle has off on Saturdays so really Gia would only be alone a day or so.

This will be stressful for us. Just the selling the house part...we really do not have that much stuff to actually move. Plus we would sell most of it. I am hoping to get this all said and done in the next 3 months. Like I said I am willing to take a hit to get out!

Wish me luck I know I will need it :)

MFM Appointment 9 weeks

9 weeks today with a heartbeat of 189! Makes me wonder if we have another girlie in there :) Of course whatever it is, as long as I can bring he or she home Im happy!

My blood pressure in office was 120/68 :) I was also told about a AFP test I can have done as a precursor for preeclampsia. I will be having that test done.

 Today was the first day I actually threw up. I am not feeling good at all today. Im wondering if I have food poisoning or flu? We ate at a little mexican place by my house and within a half hour I was not feeling good at all. I know it will all be worth it in the end...but I absolutely hate not even being able to look at food. Everything makes me wanna gag. I could not even grocery shop at Target today because of the way it smells when you walk in. I had to send hubby!

Questions

I know that I am super high risk.
I know that many people may not fully understand the disease Preeclampsia and HELLP that took Cara from me.
I know that many of you may have questions for me about this pregnancy. How will we prevent this from happening again? Does Preeclampsia happen again? Please feel free to email me. L412ANGEL at aol. I will be happy to answer all questions!!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I see a rainbow


It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears, it does not mean that the storm never happened or that we are not still dealing with its aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.


July 14 2010 
Yup. I most definitely do see a rainbow. One faint line, one darker one...and one big PREGNANT. Baby Rainbow on the way. I am not scared or nervous just very very happy and excited!



June 16 2010 
I think I have taken 15 pregnancy tests in a matter of 3 days...Im so excited and can't believe I am pregnant. Im scared its gonna go away or something. Plus I like seeing the double lines. Who dosn't.

I know for some of you out there my journey may be hard to go through, and I completely understand. I did not make a separate page r blog for this pregnancy, because I felt that changing this blog into a family blog is the way to go. Cara is and always will be a part of my family. I understand if you can't read on.

So far I have been 100% calm. No freakout moments. I get overwhelmed when I think of things like

"How will we financially survive if I am on bed rest?"
"What if I have to stop working very earyl?"

I know that none of those things can be controlled. Not even myself bringing home a healthy baby can be controlled. So I am just taking everything day by day.

Today I am 3 weeks 4 days pregnant, so today is a good day!

July 17th 2010
Its been 8 months. 8 longs months since she has been gone. The first three I felt for sure that this was hell on earth. The last 4 were not so bad. The last one was great. of course its great, Cara will have a baby brother or sister! SIGH... I miss her.

Tonight we went to dinner with two great friends and their baby boy Wyatt. My friend gave me my first baby gift...a onesie! :) So cute! Normally I would think oh I don't want anything early because I don't wanna jinx it. Well no one can control what is going to happen so I want to enjoy every minute, even if I am only 4 weeks pregnant...im still pregnant.

Last time I was almost 6 weeks when I found out with Cara. This time im still shocked I found out at 3 weeks two days. Must be a strong one in there! No symptoms yet from baby Rainbow I am not even tired. I have a ton of energy and the only thing I feel is every few hours I could eat a house :)

Ok so tonight walking back to our car after dinner there was a live band playing. There is a song (its old) by Shawn Mullins...a lot of you may know the song. Right as we were walking by the chorus came on.  "Everything's gonna be alright....Rockabye" AHHH what? How crazy! It was just after my girlfriend gave me my first baby gift too. Strange!!! Here are some of the parts of the song.

And just before she hangs her head to cry,
I sing to her a lullaby
I sing:

Everything's gonna be all right.
Rockabye, rockabye.
Everything's gonna be all right.
Rockabye, rockabye, rockabye.

And all her friends tell her she's so pretty
but she'd be a whole lot prettier if she smiled once in a while.
'Cause even her smile looks like a frown.
She's seen her share of devils in this angel town.


Love signs!!!

JULY 20 2010
This time around I want to remember every detail. My first doctors appointment was today with Doctor L.  I get my ultrasound next week and start my lovenox shots next week as well. He did put me on a RX prenatal.

I will be seeing 7 different doctors at my new practice. I don't care if I see 100. Seeing 1 or 100 will not stop preeclampsia from coming. I feel that as long as I am taking it easy at home and work and looking for symptoms...and go in at the first sign on anything...I can do this!

JULY 27 2010
Today was my first ultrasound. The doctors made a mistake its supposed to be tomorrow and they were not sure why they had me scheduled twice, but nonetheless I got an ultrasound today...and a picture. There was a tiny sac and a bean inside. Baby is there! YAY!


Right away my OB sent me over to my high risk which is another hospital located over a half hour away for my Lovenox injections. Lovenox is a blood thinner, that I will be giving myself nightly in the stomach. It is because I have Factor V which means my blood tends to over clot. This will hopefully prevent blood clots in myself as well as in the cord that feeds Baby M! I did do my first injection today. This nurse showed me how. The needle going in...no biggie...hey I have been through worse...but the stinging afterward...owwwiiieeee!!!!


AUGUST 3 2010
Still truckin along over here! I am 6 weeks 3 days! Let the sickness begin. I feel like its super early but right at the end of 5 weeks It began. NOT HORRIBLE...BUT its still there most of the day. Nothing sounds good all I want is bagels and pasta...thats exactly what I wanted last time. However I am forcing fruits and veggies in this time...last time they made me wanna gag.

Its so weird I am saying last time...so hard to believe I was pregnant before for almost 31 weeks...sigh...Well the good news is I did my first 24 hour urine and it was 67.5! YAYYY! Which is good. This 24 hour urine gives me a baseline for how much protein I have in my urine because protein later in pregnancy is a indicator of preclampsia. AND WE DONT want that again! Ill do one again in my second trimester.

AUGUST 7 2010
Holy all day sickness! No throwing up but just all day yucky-ness. Part of me is wondering if it is a girl because I am feeling the exact same way I felt with Cara. I am craving pasta, tomato sauce, bland bad for you carbs...(well I would nto call it craving...its really all I can eat I have food Ad version to everything...blahh.) Then part of me gets nervous because I am starting off this pregnancy feeling the same way as I did last, I hope that is NOT a precursor for things to come!

AUGUST 11 2010
Today was my first 'real' ultrasound! Baby is measuring a week ahead with a strong heartbeat at 171!! I am a firm believer that a higher heartbeat over 160 means girl...if it always stays high...it was right with Cara so we will see :) I am 7 weeks 2 days! Yay BABY keep growing! My BP at this appointment was 120/82 (thats what the nurse got) the doctor got 110/70 which is more my norm. I did dip 1+ which I freaked out a bit for...BUT I JUST completed a 24 hour urine and had basically no protein, so dip sticks to me this time are unreliable if we will be doing a 24 hour urine...I will go off of those results!

WATCH BABY GROW


 7 Weeks

10 Weeks



16 Weeks

17 Weeks

 20 Weeks

29 weeks!



WATCH MOMMY GROW!


12 Weeks

16 Weeks

20 Weeks

21 Weeks

23 Weeks

23 Weeks

 26 Weeks!

30 Weeks!

32 weeks!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Erie...

Try just try to wrap your mind around this one...I recieved this email.

I just wanted to send you a message to let you know that I found your site "my world" and it brought a tear to my eye. I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant and 1 day and suffering from severe oligohydramnios. I'm in the hospital with fluids and I'm being monitored but more than likely, I will have to give birth to my little girl very soon. They are suggesting that perhaps she has renal disease. I just wanted to send you this message because, I too am from Illinois(Naperville) and my friend Sue suggested the name Cara because it was Italian and meant "beloved". I have planned on giving my daughter up for adoption the whole time(her father is in the Army in Alaska, I'm 25 and busy in veterinary medicine) and don't think that I could provide for her like a family could. So, I never really considered a name. Personally, I always liked Corryn. Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I was touched by your story. I wish you the best of luck with any future pregnancies


Ok so that was first. Sadly she did end up giving birth 8-17 to her baby girl who lived shortly before going to heaven.



NOW my Mom works for a newspaper company in Illinois. Now this girl who lost her sweet daughter Cara lives in the same town as my family and a few towns over from me. There are tons of newspapers and people at newspaper companies...

Here is an email my mom got...
I am inquiring as to the possibility of creating an obituary for my daughter, who was born yesterday at 6:17 pm. I was only 20 weeks and 1 day gestation and she passed quickly after  being born. I was given the choice of registering her(or not) because since I had not yet hit the 21 week mark, it was still considered a miscarriage. They are telling me that <20 weeks is miscarriage and >20 weeks is stillborn. I was stuck in the middle. But she still very much looked like a "person". My heart aches and I would do anything for this small, but tangible piece of evidence to her existence. Please let me know what I need to do or who I need to contact to possibly make this happen; seeing as I did not register her. Thank you very much for your time.

Cara Jennifer
born 8/17/2010 at 6:17 pm
took her last breath at 6:29
10.8 oz, 10 1/4 in

My Cara was born on the 17th as well. 


How crazy is this. Small small world. 
Please keep this woman in your prayers and her sweet daughter Cara.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

My Angel...she's everywhere

I have to share this story with you all.

My Uncle J ran in a triathlon today and this girl came up to him and said can I run with you. Of course my Uncle said yes, she then asked his name and he said J*** Angel (My mothers maiden name is Angel as is my middle name...yes true story) After the girl learned my uncle's name she said "Your my angel!" He laughed and asked her name and she said Cara. Mind you there were 2,000 people at this triathlon, and a girl namedCara found my Uncle.

Just comes to show me that my sweet Cara knows who to reach out to. My Uncle J was with me in the hospital every day...all day. He was also able to hold her. It gives me comfort knowing that she knows that :)

Friday, August 6, 2010

Her name in a frame

Franchesca  made this for Cara Kyle and I




I am in love with it and can't wait to hang it in the loft! The loft is where we keep her picture along with little collected things that remind me of Cara that I have. I can't wait to get it in the mail!

Sunday, August 1, 2010

107!

NEVER did I think I would hit 100 followers. Now I am at 107. I am so thrilled to be sharing this journey with each and every one of you! I never knew anyone would be so interested in what I have to say or how I am feeling.

Welcome all newbies to My World. Its a world I never would imagine I would be living in...but this is it. Thats how the cookie crumbles...so on and so forth...

My long term goal for this blog is to have it turned into a book. I already know it would be named A world with and a world without. I have always been a avid writer. Its kind of like my secret little thing. I have numerous poems, short stories I have wrote. I started to write a book about being a stylist called Tickle me pink. However that is no longer in process. I have bigger and better things to write about...such as my daughter. I would not know where to begin to have this published into a book, but I know I wanna get there.

Thank you all for reading. I have a blog makeover in about three weeks...Keep your eye our for that!