Sharing more pictures of Cara

What a fantastic way to end 2010

Pictures of my sweet son!

Last I would like to share one of Cara's 4D pictures...taken at 28 weeks. Carter was almost 28 in these!

You can see that Carter looks like his little sister!

Thank you BLM's!

I wanted to just do a quick thank you to all my BLM's. Without you all I would be lost. We help another get through! Every single comment that is left on this blog has been cherished. Every card I get in the mail or picture I get of my daughters name is priceless. The compassion and understand that surrounds our unfortunate tragedy is endless. Love to you all. Today and always!

A look back at 2010

Of course 2010 had to start with a bang! Charlies recovery.

Getting our tattoo's for our Daughter

A weekend downtown to remember Cara's due date

Learning how to have fun again!

Attending my first baby shower of a good friend that was due three months after me

Holding my first baby little Wyatt!

More good times with good friends!

Saying goodbye to my dear Charlie

Saying hello to our new addition Arthur

Saying goodbye to a very loved Grandmother

 

 Walking for Cara in March of Dimes & Promise Walk

 

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A great summer with family 

 A great year at work

Learning Cara will be a big sister and we will become parents again!

 

 Celebrating Birthdays!

Remembering Cara on her Birthday

 

 

 

Celebrating the holidays with family and friends

Lastly we will be closing out this year with 4D ultrasound pictures of our sweet son. Pictures to come!

First Scare

Today was a VERY long day.

Last night I realized that little Carter did not wake me up throughout the night and his movements just seemed slower.

My husband talks in his sleep. Most the time its jibberish, and drives me nuts haha! Last night clear as day right when I am up wondering why Carter seems quiet I hear "Something aint right" First off let me just say AINT is not in Kyle's vocabulary...so I though that was strange, but it got me to thinking. What the hell? Was that a coincidence?

Well morning at 8 am rolled around and I still was not getting those big jabs I am used to. 8:30 is when my OB's office opens and let me just say that could not come fast enough. Here is where the agitation begins. I did not get a hold of them until after 9 am. Really? I mean come on!

I spoke with the nurse who knows me and my chart/ "History" and she said ..."so would coming in to have a heart beat check help?" Hell no. That question can't be serious. A heart beat means nothing to me. When I had my emergency appointment with Cara...it was a heartbeat check...she had a heartbeat. Less than two weeks later she was dead. So really that shit means nothing. I want a test an ultrasound, something more. 

I arrived at the OB office, at 10:35 for my 10:45 appointment. (Let me just add this in...as I am walking in some "chick" is on the phone and she says" Ugh no I am not going to be home soon, they are sending me to the hospital because my blood pressure is high" Of course she was annoyed when she said this. I wanted to stop her and say excuse me but my baby died because NO ONE sent me to a hospital! Be glad your being looked after moron.)  Nurse took me back. Urine good! Blood pressure surprisingly good! (I have been very calm about these things because I realize freaking out does nothing) well 45 minutues...YUP 45 minutes later, the PA comes in.

Ok so let me explain my feelings on a physician assistant, as much as I can without saying too much that I am not "allowed" to say for various reasons. I am not fond of them. Cara is not here, because of bad care. You get the drift...There is a REASON there are doctors and a reason there are PAs. While I am sure some are great, some suck. Simple as that.


This PA was fantastic, very reassuring! Told me she would do an ultrasound, told me to call or come in anytime. We had a ultrasound and heartbeat check and all was good. She explained some days baby's have active days...other days are not so active. Im just so used to Carters major kicks that I get worried if I do not feel them as much and with what I have been through, understandable.

Now here is where I back track to the 45 minutes of waiting. I LOVE my OB and his practice. HOWEVER to keep someone that is worried if their baby is "ok" waiting for 45 minutes...really? Seriously? I know they fit me in but thank god they took my BP before, because if they did after it would have been through the roof I am sure.

I am thankful everything is good. Not a fan of scares and VERY glad I did not have to go to L&D! Im just not ready for that yet. I know I will eventually have to end up there to meet Carter, but I am only 27 weeks...Maybe after 32 we can talk...but not now.

So after my OB apt, I went straight to work, after I grabbed something to eat for the first time all day. Was non stop busy, and finally am home blogging now, its after 9pm. VERY long day!

P.S. Did I mention I failed my 1 hour glucose(only by ten points!)...boo. That stuff made me so sick! I am not looking forward to a 3 hour one!

27 weeks!

So today was Carters 27 week growth scan! He measured in a 2 lbs 13 oz! 70 percentile and a week and a half ahead!

I did find out that my Vit D was back down again (and really I am on as much supplements as one can be for it so there is not much I can do) and my B12 is down so I will be taking over the counter supplement for that.

My BP was 124/74
with trace protein which was because it was first thing in the am. I seem to always dip trace first thing in the am, yesterday I dipped none at all at my regular check up.

I did however fail my one hour glucose test. My results came in at 144. Cut off is 134. Booo! I will do the 3 hour test within the next two weeks, please keep your fingers crossed for me!

Christmas 2010

This was Cara's second Christmas in heaven. It was not so bad. I got a book that I will give to Carter to explain that there was someone who came before him.

I also got a ornament for Carter. Of course a white bear :)

I am so grateful that I have family that remember her. I even had a dear friend buy me a angel wings ornament for Cara, she said she saw them and thought of us! How thoughtful is that! Its always the little things that count!

I thought a lot about Charlie too. How this time last year he was learning to walk again...:::SIGH:::

Merry Christmas!

Remembering

26 weeks! Third goal accomplished!

Here I am 26 weeks! No Preeclampsia signs! Next goal 28 weeks no PE signs!

Fun Facts

I wanted to fill all of you in on some fun facts about this pregnancy with Carter.

I was sick (nausea, could not eat much and very tired) up until 15 weeks. From 15 weeks on it has been a joy to have him in my belly!

Carter ALWAYS is on the go. Whenever I am in doubt I get a kick or jab. I have not even had to break down and buy a Doppler and I am almost 26 weeks woo hoo!

So in the beginning I craved anything spicy and hot, Chili and Spicy V8 mainly.

I cant get ENOUGH of my so called "Freezer Water" All my water is frozen and when it thaws that is when I drink it. ANYTHING I actually drink has to be in the freezer so it is extra cold. I can't get enough of it! Its quite odd and funny.

Turn off's would be anything sweet. I am normally not a huge fan in general but in pregnancy I can totally do without. In pregnancy I am not a huge fan of veggies, but LOVE cheese. (Which is not the best since I have VERY high hereditary High Cholesterol.)

I was a HUGE fan of Cherry Pepsi...just typing it makes me want some. However right around 20 weeks I gave it up. Why drink my calories? Plus outside of pregnancy I NEVER drink soda. For some reason I crave carbonation...soooo I switched to ice mountain Carbonated lime water...omg yummm!!! I also drink tons of tea now as well. Mainly organic if I can.

Currently I am 25 weeks 4 days.

Gained: 23 lbs

 BP: 116/76

Feeling: Great...been back to napping frequently. No complaints :)

24 1/2 week belly shot!

Moving

Our house has been on the market for three months. One offer has fell through and we are working through another. (Fingers crossed) There is just SO much out there people are not willing to negotiate. So we will be moving in with my parents for the next year. Due to medical bills from last pregnancy and the one's piliing up right now we did not think that it would be a smart time to purchase. Plus we do not now if I will be on bed rest, or if the baby will be full term or not...(hopefully NOTHING will happen!!)

So my parents offered and we figured it would be a way to save and prepare for the months ahead. Not to mention our 2 bedroom townhome is just too far away, especially for when I go back to work and need someone to watch the little man. We are moving where I will be by lots of family, right now we are an hour away, with NO one not even friends around.

Kyle and I have also decided against daycare. Number one we really can't afford it with everything else going on. Number two, after what I have been through, I would rather leave Carter with a family member or good friend. Number three, we would only need two days a week and one of those is a half day since I go into work around noon. So many daycare facilities will not even look at you unless your three or more days!

I know I am starting to think ahead, something I have not started doing until now. I guess I can't help it. I delivered Cara just shy of 31 weeks, and I am not 25 so it seems natural to me to just plan incase baby Carter tries to make a early appearance, WHICH I DON'T foresee happening! POSITIVE THOUGHTS right?

Lots going on these next few weeks!

Help Remember

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention
them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that
they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What
you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and
...that is a great gift." 

~ Elizabeth Edwards July 3, 1949 – December 7,
2010

 

I dont think anyone could have said this better. You are NEVER reminding us. We always, every minute of every day are reminded...and yet I would not even call it necessarily reminded...we chose to remember them every day.  If you bring up our child, it makes us happy, that people are choosing to help remember. If you bring up questions about how they passed, or how we/you felt...many dont realize it but its therapy for us to speak about our tragedy. 

Put it this way if a parent or spouse died...and no one talked about it or them...how would that make you feel? I bet a little crazy huh? Thats why there is this whole world of BLM's out there. We all help each other. I have 144 followers on my blog. I know not all may read every post or comment, but they dont have to. Just like I do not comment much but I pretty much follow everyone's story. Just to know that I am not alone, that others are going through the same emotions. 

Its the people that cants say or do things with us or for us because "its too hard" NO shit...try walking in my shoes. It sucks. 

I have really come to terms with it. Lets face it nothing (now) will change the fact she died, what is done can't be undone, so I have to work with what I have. Her memory lives on through the Preeclampsia foundation and the BLM community. I am at peace knowing that I may never get that chance to have a daughter. In my heart I have one forever, she is never going to grow up and hate me, never going to leave me and get married, she will always be right where I left her, and just as I remembered her. 

Just because I have come to terms with my loss, I seem happy and I am pregnant again, does not mean I forgot. No one else should either. Remember their stories, talk about them, or ask questions, it helps keep them alive within us.

24 weeks!

Today I am officially 6 months pregnant! I had another growth scan today. Carter is measuring 1.6 lbs and is in the 37th percentile!  I have gained 22 lbs. My BP was good and I did have trace protein in my urine, but that is normal. My placenta is healthy and everything looks great so far! So excited! I scheduled his 4D ultrasound for New Years Eve, I figured it was a great way to start 2011!

We were able to get some great pictures of his face. Carter has my husbands lips and nose :)

 Keep on growing lil man!

One more pic!

Here is one at 23 1/2 weeks