I am a completely different person. I think I have just now realized this. Every day my world consists of thinking how I can ease Mother's pain's on loss. Every day I think about women I have never met or their babies who's footprints never touched this ground. Everyday I think about the day I buried my daughter. Even though she was never alive. I buried my future. I buried the 8 month old she would have been today, the prom dress she would have worn, the wedding she would have had.
In my old normal life I never once. NEVER O.N.C.E met someone who lost a child (or maybe I did but they did not talk about it) never once thought that childbirth was hard (so many women effortlessly go through it) never once thought about what a stillborn child is. Now I know hundreds. HUNDREDS. of healthy normal women with NOTHING wrong, who's children are no longer with them. I know that childbirth IS A miracle. I know what a stillborn is.
I think you all can agree. We all will never be the same again. Its not a bad thing. Really its not. Wanna know why? I cant change it. I cant change the fact my body faily my daughter and almost myself. I cant change the fact that I lost a child. I simply cant. Now I struggle for ways to remain positive. There is nothing anyone can do.
For those mothers that do not have a 'reason' their child passed in or out of womb I simply can't imagine. My heart breaks at the thought. For those mothers who's children fought hard to live, but did not win. I simply can't imagine and my hear breaks yet even more.
You see I have a reason (well actually many...but we won't go there) Cara is not here. Preeclampsia. Its simple. My body started to shut down and this disease progressed. Im grateful it did not take my life. I have hatred for the disease because it took hers.
Swinging around back to why I wrote this. Its just different. The world is such a different place without you in it.
Monday, July 26, 2010
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16 comments:
You are so right. Every night after reading blogs I talk with my husband about people who have lost their baby/babies. I also find myself wondering about their child and if our babies know each other in heaven. I don't really know these people but I feel such a connection.
I know what you mean - I could not imagine that there was such a community out there for all us babyloss moms. So many before us and so many will come after us. I am completely different person as well.
That is something I think some people don't get. You didn't just lose a child you lost the woman she would have been, the sister, mother, aunt, wife, grandmother. When I think of losing Blaine I even think of the future daughter in law I would have had and all of his buddies that would have called our place a second home...a whole life of possibilities.
I absolutely agree that I will never be the same. How can we be? Our lives have been touched in a way that will always be a part of us. xo
Your right... it will never be the same! The one thing I guess you can know is that your such a wonderful woman, and the help and support that you offer to all of these other women that you've met is amazing! You can know that you are the kind of woman that your daughter could have looked up to and admired! I know that nothing is ever going to make the pain go away, but hopefully knowing that you are helping make the burden a littler lighter for others should give you some sort of comfort and peace! Keep up the wonderful blog! And thanks for being so honest! Your blog is full of things that most of us only wish we had the courage to say! xoxo!
I totally agree with you. The first couple of weeks and I was so mad at my body for letting/causing Jacob die. Then I started to realized that it was something that happened TO me. Although my body caused/let it happen, me and my body were still the victim. I don't look at someone with a disease and wonder how they could let that happen, I think it is something that happened to them, so why should this situation be any different.
I couldn't agree with you more. We will never be the same. Not a day goes by that I don't think of the pain I feel and every single parent out there who has lost a child.
I sometimes miss the days of being naive that things like this don't happen.
You are doing such a great job in keeping Cara's name alive. Because of her you keep touching lives and bringing so much awareness. ((HUGS))
I agree. It's so very, very different. XO
This post made me cry but it is very true. It will forever be different. And I cant count the number or stories and websites that I have came across as well. And the more as I share my story, in person, more stories come out as well. It is so so sad & heartbreaking. My uncle lost his 12 yr old son, 20 some years ago, and I talk to him to this day & he tells me alot & says now, he is grieving the grandchildren that he could have had from his son. It just never ends he says. =(
You've hit the mark with this post! I was just thinking today about how i'm different...and I'm not sure if I really like "me" now...this "new me"..but i've got to learn to like her.
Your spirit, and drive to help other women is amazing. I find myself talking a lot about CF, since it is something we will likely be concerned with in future pregnancies.
I also think alot about our babies. Have you read "Knocked up, Knocked down"?? Monica mentions in her acknowledgements (thank yous and dedications) at the end of the book
" To Zachary and Male Fetus, who I hope are witnessing all of this from the MTV Penthouse for Bitchin' Stillborn Babies above"...
I find a lot of peace in that concept, the all of the stillborn, crib death/SIDS, Premature, miscarried babies are up there, free of tubes, and monitors. No tests, No needles, No-one to poke and prod them everyweek through the uterus. No nasty food that mom just ate that we don't like, no hiccups, no one tapping them on the top of the head to wake them up... Just floating around having one heck of a party, waiting for us...
"She flew up to heaven on the wings of angels,
past the stars and clouds and past where no one sees and she,
Walks with Jesus, and her loved ones waiting and I know she's smiling saying, 'don't worry 'bout me' .."
Peace!
There is no doubt about it...we are all different due to what we have gone through. But it's not something that's easy for people to understand. I know that many people think I will return to the "old me," but I will let them think that or hope for that. I know I can never be that person because that was before I lost my little girl. I cannot imagine someone losing their baby and being able to stay the same. How is that possible? It's important to embrace who you are today and know that you are a stronger person because you are okay with it. Beautiful thoughts today on your post.
I agree that we all have probably met and have a lot of people in our lives who have gone through something traumatic or similar to our situation (whatever that may be) but we often don't talk about it. I know that after suffering our miscarriage so many of my friends opened up and shared their experience, but we never once talked about it before. I know that the loss of a loved one is especially hard and many find it difficult to talk about it, but I think if it can help others then why not share. It can help save another person or better educate those out there with similar situations. That is why I love that you share so openly your experience. You may never be the same, and I don't know why we sometimes have to go through such heart wrenching experiences in life, but I do know it makes us stronger, wiser, and better equipped to help others. I believe that you are definitely doing that with all the awareness your sharing of pre-eclampsia & HELLP you had while being pregnant, and even after.
I only recently found your blog. Cara is so beautiful, and I am so sorry that she is gone. I understand your hatred for preeclampsia. My son died due to my two undiagnosed blood clotting disorders. I feel so much anger that my body failed my baby.
I echo everyone else in agreement...I will never be the same person as I was before I lost Drew. I read other women's stories and my heart just breaks. I hate that anyone has to go through this terrible experience. I never thought of pregnancy as anything but "natural." But I realize now what a miracle it really is.
You are definitely right. I think about all the moms I have met as well. I never realized there were so many. It is heartbreaking that anyone has to lose a child/children.
hugs
elena
I just came across your blog. I'm so sorry for the long of your daughter, Cara. Such a beautiful name. This post is so true. We will never be the same after the loss of our babies. It is hard that most will never understand the pain, but it is comforting to know there are so many woman out there who do understand. I look forward to following your blog.
Being a babyloss mama as well, You really said it perfectly. I miss our Abby everyday.Wondering,Thinking...Thank you Laura, I too am trying to keep her alive somehow...the little things...they mean the most.
I feel better talking to women like us, others simply dont know what to say or what to do.Thank you.
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