Carters first Christmas was filled with Love, Laughter and Family. I got the flu on Christmas Eve (after the party thank god!), so it did not exactly as planned. But we made the best of it!
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Carter's First Christmas
I couldn't bring myself to blog about the joys of Christmas, when it is surrounded by loss, so I had to wait a few days to write this.
Carters first Christmas was filled with Love, Laughter and Family. I got the flu on Christmas Eve (after the party thank god!), so it did not exactly as planned. But we made the best of it!
Carters first Christmas was filled with Love, Laughter and Family. I got the flu on Christmas Eve (after the party thank god!), so it did not exactly as planned. But we made the best of it!
Friday, December 30, 2011
A final Goodbye
The past week I have spent grieving all over again. The day my friends mother passed away. I made it a point to be with her. I had to. I just could not sit back and watch that happen, and although I did not know her mother well, watching someone I love go through such a horrific thing at such a young age was hard. I have learned a lot about myself through this.
One...I will do anything for the ones I love. (Like I did not already know that)
Two...When you love someone their hurt becomes your hurt.
Three...I am not as strong as I think or thought I was.
Those are the three main things. Number 3 got me the most. I have only attended 4 funerals in my life. One being my daughters, and I just do not deal well. I cry the second I walk in the door. I never experienced a death in the family, until my daughter and the second was my grandmother. So its hard. I also get flashbacks of my daughters funeral. Even walking in her mothers funeral I cried when I locked eyes with my friend, even though she did not. Im an emotional wreck when it comes to death.
Its hard to hear the words "The worst is over" spoken to my friend. Unfortunately, its not. It has yet to begin. I guess if you have never experienced a death of a loved one such as a sibling, mother or father or child, its hard to comprehend that the hardest days are two months later, driving in your car and it hits you out of nowhere. Though I would never ever compare anyone's loss or grief to another. I do know that the hardest days are yet to come.
I ache for her and only hope that my friendship and support will be a comfort to her.
I can say that as life goes on I grow closer and closer to the people around me. I learn who are my real life friends. I learn that a simple fight or argument will never determine the end of a friendship. Life is too short. Love the ones that are close to you. Be there for everyone you can. Treat others they way you want to be treated.
One...I will do anything for the ones I love. (Like I did not already know that)
Two...When you love someone their hurt becomes your hurt.
Three...I am not as strong as I think or thought I was.
Those are the three main things. Number 3 got me the most. I have only attended 4 funerals in my life. One being my daughters, and I just do not deal well. I cry the second I walk in the door. I never experienced a death in the family, until my daughter and the second was my grandmother. So its hard. I also get flashbacks of my daughters funeral. Even walking in her mothers funeral I cried when I locked eyes with my friend, even though she did not. Im an emotional wreck when it comes to death.
Its hard to hear the words "The worst is over" spoken to my friend. Unfortunately, its not. It has yet to begin. I guess if you have never experienced a death of a loved one such as a sibling, mother or father or child, its hard to comprehend that the hardest days are two months later, driving in your car and it hits you out of nowhere. Though I would never ever compare anyone's loss or grief to another. I do know that the hardest days are yet to come.
I can say that as life goes on I grow closer and closer to the people around me. I learn who are my real life friends. I learn that a simple fight or argument will never determine the end of a friendship. Life is too short. Love the ones that are close to you. Be there for everyone you can. Treat others they way you want to be treated.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Doesnt heaven have enough?
People that is. I mean seriously. Not to mention horrible things always seem to happen to the best of people.
A very close friend of mine lost her Mother yesterday at 59 years old. It was sudden. The day of her Mothers passing was also her Mothers birthday :( It happened in front of her as well. The one time I decide to turn my phone sound off cause I am sick is the time I should have had it on! I received a text from her at 4 am! I wish I could have got that text. I would have rushed to her side.
This friend of mine also lost her father a few years back. So at the age of 29 has no mother or father. REALLY? Are you kidding? I am so upset and mad. I dont know what to do for her. Of course I told her even if she needed Advil or Starbucks I would be there. Or just someone to just listen. Without question I would do whatever she asked. I am just so incredibly heartbroken for her.
I cried today. I am just so overwhelmed for her. Loss is horrific and your own mother? I cant even imagine. I wish I could do something. I knew through my loss I just wanted to be alone but I wanted to be acknowledged. So I will do that for her. I am going to try to be with her on new years eve. I also have some things for her that I picked up today that will hopefully lighten her spirits...if that is possible.
A very close friend of mine lost her Mother yesterday at 59 years old. It was sudden. The day of her Mothers passing was also her Mothers birthday :( It happened in front of her as well. The one time I decide to turn my phone sound off cause I am sick is the time I should have had it on! I received a text from her at 4 am! I wish I could have got that text. I would have rushed to her side.
This friend of mine also lost her father a few years back. So at the age of 29 has no mother or father. REALLY? Are you kidding? I am so upset and mad. I dont know what to do for her. Of course I told her even if she needed Advil or Starbucks I would be there. Or just someone to just listen. Without question I would do whatever she asked. I am just so incredibly heartbroken for her.
I cried today. I am just so overwhelmed for her. Loss is horrific and your own mother? I cant even imagine. I wish I could do something. I knew through my loss I just wanted to be alone but I wanted to be acknowledged. So I will do that for her. I am going to try to be with her on new years eve. I also have some things for her that I picked up today that will hopefully lighten her spirits...if that is possible.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
My take on the Duggars
When someone...anyone loses a child, the world stops. Unfortunately for many the world only stops if you have lost a child yourself. Many others just do not know the pain it causes. While I would never wish them TO know that pain...what ever happened to compassion. "Treat others the way you want to be treated"...OH thats right...thats news of the past these days!
Do I believe Michelle Duggar is nuts for having 19 children. Hell to the yes. Is it my business? No. It is effecting my daily life? No. While yes her story hits close to home because of loss, it also hits close to home because she nearly died from Preeclampsia. Her 19th child was born at 25 weeks. Her child got to live, she was diagnosed in time. I was not and mine died. So yes her story really hits home on more notes than just loss. But I know plenty of women, myself included that almost lost her life to Preeclmpsia, and lost a child etc and STILL went on to get pregnant again. Is that selfish. In my opnion no. That shows love for a child. Now 19 kids is a hell of a lot. BUT come on people. 19 or 900 a loss is a loss. It is still sad.
Now onto the photos of the released baby (which I refuse to call a fetus, Cara was called a fetus and yes while I know that is the correct term I refuse to use it) My lord!!!!!! The pictures are of the babys finger and feet and very tastefully done! The media would rip me apart if they saw my raw uncut pictures of Cara. I guess one would have to experience a loss to understand "dead baby pictures." I will admit after delivering Cara I was so very mad the nurses were taking pictures of her. I said I did not want any pictures what so ever. What the hell was I going to do with pictures of a body I never got to know? BUT I am so very thankful that I have them now, and may I add I WISH I had 500 more. A picture creates a memory and yes while the memory may be morbid and gross to some. It is the only memory a parent WILL EVER have of their child.
People these days are so quick to judge another when it comes to losing a child. "When my grandfather died..." "Its been three months you should focus on something else" "I cant believe they would post a picture of their dead child" People just do not know. Do we want them to? No. So we have to accept that people are ignorant. I have no tolerance for people anymore. Really I dont.
I wish the world would stop and say a prayer for Michelle and think about how she may feel. Just because she has 19 more children does not stop the hurt.
Do I believe Michelle Duggar is nuts for having 19 children. Hell to the yes. Is it my business? No. It is effecting my daily life? No. While yes her story hits close to home because of loss, it also hits close to home because she nearly died from Preeclampsia. Her 19th child was born at 25 weeks. Her child got to live, she was diagnosed in time. I was not and mine died. So yes her story really hits home on more notes than just loss. But I know plenty of women, myself included that almost lost her life to Preeclmpsia, and lost a child etc and STILL went on to get pregnant again. Is that selfish. In my opnion no. That shows love for a child. Now 19 kids is a hell of a lot. BUT come on people. 19 or 900 a loss is a loss. It is still sad.
Now onto the photos of the released baby (which I refuse to call a fetus, Cara was called a fetus and yes while I know that is the correct term I refuse to use it) My lord!!!!!! The pictures are of the babys finger and feet and very tastefully done! The media would rip me apart if they saw my raw uncut pictures of Cara. I guess one would have to experience a loss to understand "dead baby pictures." I will admit after delivering Cara I was so very mad the nurses were taking pictures of her. I said I did not want any pictures what so ever. What the hell was I going to do with pictures of a body I never got to know? BUT I am so very thankful that I have them now, and may I add I WISH I had 500 more. A picture creates a memory and yes while the memory may be morbid and gross to some. It is the only memory a parent WILL EVER have of their child.
People these days are so quick to judge another when it comes to losing a child. "When my grandfather died..." "Its been three months you should focus on something else" "I cant believe they would post a picture of their dead child" People just do not know. Do we want them to? No. So we have to accept that people are ignorant. I have no tolerance for people anymore. Really I dont.
I wish the world would stop and say a prayer for Michelle and think about how she may feel. Just because she has 19 more children does not stop the hurt.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
9 months old!
Carter now says Mum and Dada or Daddy! He Crawls, pulls himself up and eats pretty much anything! Eating anything is super easy with 8 teeth!! Yup 8! Wow! His sleeping is WAYYY better! He gets up maybe once at night. But sleeps till 8:30 am! WOO HOO! This means sleep for this momma! (as well as thoughts of another) I want to chalk that non sleep issue up to 8 teeth being slammed into this little guys mouth all in 3.5 months!
This Momma still makes all his own food and am proud to say that he has never had any canned baby food!
Carter weighs in at 21.5 lbs and 29 inches! He is in the 70%! Go big man!
Clarification
On my previous post I posted that women that have had preeclampsia, there is evidence showing that subsequest pregnancies closer together there poses less of a risk for preeclampsia. I dont know where the evidence is anymore. It was somewhere on the forums, and I know if you reasearch it it is there.
So for those of you that asked, it was just to deal with pregnancies that are at risk for preeclampsia. Your risk lessens the sooner your pregnancies are together. Now we know they do not mean immediately as your health from your previous preeclamptic pregnancy is important to have first before TTC!
P.S. WHY is preeclampsia not on my spell check by now ;)
So for those of you that asked, it was just to deal with pregnancies that are at risk for preeclampsia. Your risk lessens the sooner your pregnancies are together. Now we know they do not mean immediately as your health from your previous preeclamptic pregnancy is important to have first before TTC!
P.S. WHY is preeclampsia not on my spell check by now ;)
Monday, December 5, 2011
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Again?
The thought keeps running through my head. Another baby? Again? With preeclampsia a lot of people are unaware that the closer your subsequent pregnancies are together the better. That is due to your spiral arteries of pregnancies already being stretched out. (I wont bore you with the complicated stuff nor do I truly know how to explain) So I know I do not want to wait too long. Well maybe long enough to lose these last ten pounds!
SIDE NOTE: I HATE the comment "Oh your so young" Yup your genius...I am...HOWEVER if you really WERE genius...you would know that when you are as high risk as I...the younger the better. So age in pregnancy is not on my side. I originally said I wanted to wait two years. Now I am thinking is does not really matter. It will happen when it happens.
NO we are not actively trying. I think active will be sometime after March. My huband has mentioned not wanting another but if we did want another having them close in age" No matter when you have a second child I am assuming it is hard.
Dont know why it is on my mind so much. Assuming because pregnancy is terrifying to me, how my third pregnancy will go is always in the back of my mind.
I would love to say the amazing doctors got me a healthy baby. Sure they were ok, but I still heard the whole "Your anxious" "Could be your anxiety" "Your working yourself up" So I would like to commend myself in saying I GOT MYSELF THERE. I went to the hospital when I did not think things were right. I said I wanted Non Stress Tests starting 28 weeks. I said an extra ultrasound would make me feel at ease. You have to be your own advocate. So I think I am also a bit confident that I know myself and I know what to look for and how to try my hardest to bringing another earth angel home!
SIDE NOTE: I HATE the comment "Oh your so young" Yup your genius...I am...HOWEVER if you really WERE genius...you would know that when you are as high risk as I...the younger the better. So age in pregnancy is not on my side. I originally said I wanted to wait two years. Now I am thinking is does not really matter. It will happen when it happens.
NO we are not actively trying. I think active will be sometime after March. My huband has mentioned not wanting another but if we did want another having them close in age" No matter when you have a second child I am assuming it is hard.
Dont know why it is on my mind so much. Assuming because pregnancy is terrifying to me, how my third pregnancy will go is always in the back of my mind.
I would love to say the amazing doctors got me a healthy baby. Sure they were ok, but I still heard the whole "Your anxious" "Could be your anxiety" "Your working yourself up" So I would like to commend myself in saying I GOT MYSELF THERE. I went to the hospital when I did not think things were right. I said I wanted Non Stress Tests starting 28 weeks. I said an extra ultrasound would make me feel at ease. You have to be your own advocate. So I think I am also a bit confident that I know myself and I know what to look for and how to try my hardest to bringing another earth angel home!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Home Tutorial
Kyle and I have been working super hard on our new home. We closed September 21. Moved in October 1 and just NOW are adding finishing touches. Although I am a HUGE fan of Etsy and Pinterest in my spare time so our home will never be done will it?
This is our family room which I LOVE! We added tall panels and vintage tiles on the big wall. My favorite find in that room is a greenish blue vintage weathered side table. I will have to get a picture of it!
This is part of our Master Bath which I was most excited about. To the left there is a walk in closet, that is designed and to the right is a soaker tub with a tile back splash and the stand up shower has been redone in tile as well.
These are just some of my new favorite things in our home. We are pretty much done with the big projects. I am so lucky to have a hubby who can do just about anything, and who is really into decorating just as much as I am. He even picked out the granite above all alone! Swear I was not even there!
Looking forward to sharing more things as they come along!
This is our dining area. We added new carpet and panel drapery. My favorite thing in this room is my chunky mirror!
This is part of our kitchen! On the right there is more cabinet space and a little butlers nook and on the left is a ledge then a little nook area for our table!
These are just some of my new favorite things in our home. We are pretty much done with the big projects. I am so lucky to have a hubby who can do just about anything, and who is really into decorating just as much as I am. He even picked out the granite above all alone! Swear I was not even there!
Looking forward to sharing more things as they come along!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Christmas Christmas time is here...
I got a bunch of help from all of my Brother in laws decorating our 9 foot tree! Without them it would have taken me a while and lots of up's and down's on the ladder!
Monday, November 21, 2011
Living Will
When I was in the hospital delivering Cara, I was asked numerous times if I had a living will, if that doesn't say...shit your sick...I don't know what does. This past week my husband and I finally completed our living will and last will! I feel so old, but very accomplished!
We also made some major investments for Carter ourselves and our future.
Its crazy how much legal stuff you learn in buying a home, a car, investments etc!
Instead of going on crazy vacations now, we want to wait until we are older and take our children so they can enjoy the pleasures of what life has to offer them! We also want them to be able to have a car and not pay for college. We want our children to be able to live comfortably! Notice how I say children...I suppose I am thinking of having more?!
We also made some major investments for Carter ourselves and our future.
Its crazy how much legal stuff you learn in buying a home, a car, investments etc!
Instead of going on crazy vacations now, we want to wait until we are older and take our children so they can enjoy the pleasures of what life has to offer them! We also want them to be able to have a car and not pay for college. We want our children to be able to live comfortably! Notice how I say children...I suppose I am thinking of having more?!
November 17
Finally got around to writing this post. Mainly because there is not much to write. This year we did not go see Cara. I know. Horrible. Its like every time I go now I cry, so I need to find a day where I can be emotional. Its like fitting crying into my schedule. I think I avoid it because I dont want to be sad. I know its terrible.
Its just harder now. When I lost her. I did not know what I lost, and what I was missing. Now that I have Carter I do. It is that much harder.
Just realized that two years ago today was the day we buried her.
Happy Birthday Cara
Its just harder now. When I lost her. I did not know what I lost, and what I was missing. Now that I have Carter I do. It is that much harder.
Just realized that two years ago today was the day we buried her.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
November 16
Not quite sure which day is worse, the day we found out our daughters heart stopped or the day we delivered her. When she was still inside me, there was still hope. (at least in my head) that maybe just maybe she would be alive. What a joke, as we all know in reality that was just my cruel mind playing tricks.
Two years ago...November 16th started off for me with vomiting, and the worse headache known to man kind. Not even a headache, it felt like I had a vice on my head squeezing it together. I had this gut feeling something was not right. I called my ever so fantastic OB (insert scarcasm here) who told me it was more than likely the flu and to wait four hours and if I am still vomiting to come in. My body felt like it was pulsating, it was an outer body experience. I told Kyle we had to go now.
On the drive to the hospital I remember thinking I was going to die. Upon pulling into the hospital I lost vision in my left eye and electric bolts flew all over my vision. From this point on I only remember bits and pieces. Vomit. Ultrasound. Shes gone. Nurses and doctors rushing to my side. Seizure pads. Blah.
Ill never be the same. Life will never be the same. I now have a horrific experience to look back upon.
Two years ago...November 16th started off for me with vomiting, and the worse headache known to man kind. Not even a headache, it felt like I had a vice on my head squeezing it together. I had this gut feeling something was not right. I called my ever so fantastic OB (insert scarcasm here) who told me it was more than likely the flu and to wait four hours and if I am still vomiting to come in. My body felt like it was pulsating, it was an outer body experience. I told Kyle we had to go now.
On the drive to the hospital I remember thinking I was going to die. Upon pulling into the hospital I lost vision in my left eye and electric bolts flew all over my vision. From this point on I only remember bits and pieces. Vomit. Ultrasound. Shes gone. Nurses and doctors rushing to my side. Seizure pads. Blah.
Ill never be the same. Life will never be the same. I now have a horrific experience to look back upon.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
November is...
L to tha A to the M to the E...
Well we all knew that was coming.
Ok... well it is also prematurity awareness month. I am bitter about that. My premature baby did not live and was never given the chance to live. I so wish she was here so I could say "Look she made it!" That is also hard knowing that she would have made it. There is not a doubt in my mind, if she just would have had that chance.
Dont get me wrong I am over the moon, lucky go happy excited and tearfully grateful for all of those babies that fought the prematurity battle and won. It is just so hard to see at the same time.
Told ya this month blows, Bah Hum BUG
Well we all knew that was coming.
Ok... well it is also prematurity awareness month. I am bitter about that. My premature baby did not live and was never given the chance to live. I so wish she was here so I could say "Look she made it!" That is also hard knowing that she would have made it. There is not a doubt in my mind, if she just would have had that chance.
Dont get me wrong I am over the moon, lucky go happy excited and tearfully grateful for all of those babies that fought the prematurity battle and won. It is just so hard to see at the same time.
Told ya this month blows, Bah Hum BUG
Monday, November 7, 2011
8 Months!
Time flies! Do I say that at every monthly post for the little guy?
Literally the day Carter turned 8 months he was crawling. He now has 5 teeth and one more is almost popped through! Carter also says "ma ma" or "mum" mainly when he is eating, or when he is upset.
The sleeping thing is still a bit of an issue, but we noticed that when he is cutting teeth that his sleep pattern is worse. Just so happens he gets about a tooth a month that takes a week or so to pop through so basically he is always hurting..poor boo!
People are saying he is looking more and more like me. Carters eyes are still hazel but I am guessing they will turn brown. His hair is still pretty light brown too!
In the picture above it was his first time having spaghetti, he is beginning to eat more and more of what mom and dad have! HE LOVES yogurt! Spaghetti he loved but later threw up. Another month or so and the first birthday party plans will be underway!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Anger
I still find that I have so much anger built up inside about my daughter. I feel like a broken machine that never stops...im on repeat. Same shit. Different day. I dont think I will ever not be angry about losing her. I wasn't supposed to.
When I lost Cara, everyone said..."Well just think she could have had a lot of problems..." or "Who knows how healthy she would have been." at the time I was not educated in premature births. Little did I know 98% of babies lived if born at 30 weeks. Trust me I know plenty of babies that were in that 2% that did not live, but maybe I would have been able to official meet her.
Sometimes I think she never "really" existed. I mean all I saw was a body, not a soul. Will my random morbid posts ever stop? Nah. I think not.
Hundreds of morbid thoughts cross my mind daily about her. To me they are not morbid, just a part of my life. Anyone other "normal" person would be horrified to hold a dead baby. Watch a nose bleed, or skin change color and grow cold. Thats just normal to me. I dont have a memory of her smile, or her warm skin. All I have is dead-ness. Sucks. No other word for it really.
October (Halloween) and I have a love hate relationship. 18 days days before Cara was born silent. Meaning on Halloween she was still alive.
Im just still so angry. I was not taken seriously. I have noticed that not being taken seriously in little every day things, I freak out. I get all worked out and GHETTO fabulous about it. I am hardcore about being taken seriously. I get all emotional about things that I KNOW I am right about. Mainnly because I lost part of my life NOT being taken seriously...and hell I laid in a hospital bed for about a week, ill to the core.
I didn't just lose her, I lost part of my sanity because I came so close to believing I was going to lose my life. I was so scared. I didn't even get a chance to spend and grieve the normal way with her because I was scared I was going to die. I was robbed of that as well. I was robbed of planning her funeral and prayer cards and even picking out her name. I was too sick.
I look back and I cant even put into works how that time of my life felt. Horror, sickness, dark, hopeless, lost, the list could go on. I was robbed of ever being normal again.
When I lost Cara, everyone said..."Well just think she could have had a lot of problems..." or "Who knows how healthy she would have been." at the time I was not educated in premature births. Little did I know 98% of babies lived if born at 30 weeks. Trust me I know plenty of babies that were in that 2% that did not live, but maybe I would have been able to official meet her.
Sometimes I think she never "really" existed. I mean all I saw was a body, not a soul. Will my random morbid posts ever stop? Nah. I think not.
Hundreds of morbid thoughts cross my mind daily about her. To me they are not morbid, just a part of my life. Anyone other "normal" person would be horrified to hold a dead baby. Watch a nose bleed, or skin change color and grow cold. Thats just normal to me. I dont have a memory of her smile, or her warm skin. All I have is dead-ness. Sucks. No other word for it really.
October (Halloween) and I have a love hate relationship. 18 days days before Cara was born silent. Meaning on Halloween she was still alive.
Im just still so angry. I was not taken seriously. I have noticed that not being taken seriously in little every day things, I freak out. I get all worked out and GHETTO fabulous about it. I am hardcore about being taken seriously. I get all emotional about things that I KNOW I am right about. Mainnly because I lost part of my life NOT being taken seriously...and hell I laid in a hospital bed for about a week, ill to the core.
I didn't just lose her, I lost part of my sanity because I came so close to believing I was going to lose my life. I was so scared. I didn't even get a chance to spend and grieve the normal way with her because I was scared I was going to die. I was robbed of that as well. I was robbed of planning her funeral and prayer cards and even picking out her name. I was too sick.
I look back and I cant even put into works how that time of my life felt. Horror, sickness, dark, hopeless, lost, the list could go on. I was robbed of ever being normal again.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Its a life sentence...
Milwaukee Journal, October 6, 2011, Laura Schubert
Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.
Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.
It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.
Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.
It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.
It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.
Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.
It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.
It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.
Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.
My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.
Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.
Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.
Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.
It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.
Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.
It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.
It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.
Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.
It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.
It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.
Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.
My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.
Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Are you a friend?
This. Is. Amazing. You see...I once had a friend that even though had a child, seemed to not understand what this article put into spectacular words! Its sad that sometimes...people just DO NOT GET IT. Your friends lives just are not as important as they used to be once you have children.
Is it because I lost a child that my child's life is like OVER THE TOP IMPORTANT?
I have great friends. The ones I have had, I always had. I always will, and that is amazing.
Some people...does not matter if they have children...they still dont get it. Sigh. Probably never will...and that my friends is why they no longer are your friends.
Peace to all
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Saturday, October 15, 2011
HOW did you miss this?
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