I still find that I have so much anger built up inside about my daughter. I feel like a broken machine that never stops...im on repeat. Same shit. Different day. I dont think I will ever not be angry about losing her. I wasn't supposed to.
When I lost Cara, everyone said..."Well just think she could have had a lot of problems..." or "Who knows how healthy she would have been." at the time I was not educated in premature births. Little did I know 98% of babies lived if born at 30 weeks. Trust me I know plenty of babies that were in that 2% that did not live, but maybe I would have been able to official meet her.
Sometimes I think she never "really" existed. I mean all I saw was a body, not a soul. Will my random morbid posts ever stop? Nah. I think not.
Hundreds of morbid thoughts cross my mind daily about her. To me they are not morbid, just a part of my life. Anyone other "normal" person would be horrified to hold a dead baby. Watch a nose bleed, or skin change color and grow cold. Thats just normal to me. I dont have a memory of her smile, or her warm skin. All I have is dead-ness. Sucks. No other word for it really.
October (Halloween) and I have a love hate relationship. 18 days days before Cara was born silent. Meaning on Halloween she was still alive.
Im just still so angry. I was not taken seriously. I have noticed that not being taken seriously in little every day things, I freak out. I get all worked out and GHETTO fabulous about it. I am hardcore about being taken seriously. I get all emotional about things that I KNOW I am right about. Mainnly because I lost part of my life NOT being taken seriously...and hell I laid in a hospital bed for about a week, ill to the core.
I didn't just lose her, I lost part of my sanity because I came so close to believing I was going to lose my life. I was so scared. I didn't even get a chance to spend and grieve the normal way with her because I was scared I was going to die. I was robbed of that as well. I was robbed of planning her funeral and prayer cards and even picking out her name. I was too sick.
I look back and I cant even put into works how that time of my life felt. Horror, sickness, dark, hopeless, lost, the list could go on. I was robbed of ever being normal again.
- *Laura Angel
- Illinois, United States
- I'm a mother to a beautiful angel in heaven, as well as our Earth baby Carter. My life has been filled with nothing but happiness and laughter, however I also know ultimate sadness. I continue to try to live my life to the fullest, and enjoy making people laugh along the way. You never know when your life will change forever. Mine changed November 16, 2009, when we learned our daughters heart was no longer beating. Cara was born November 17th 2009. She was 2 lbs 11oz 16 in. Preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome took her from us. I now strive to help promote Preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome awareness. I also strive to help others who have lost a child. Its something no one can prepare you for, Its something that will forever be with you. We are happy to announce that our son Carter Allen was born March 5 2011 at 36 weeks 4 days weighing 7lbs 7oz. Carter brings such happiness and hope to our lives.
- TTC- Try to conceive
- L&D- Labor & Delivery
- BP- Blood Pressure
- Rainbow- a baby after a loss
- MFM- Maternal Fetal Medicine
- PE- Preeclampsia
- BLM- Baby Loss Mommy
12 comments:
I find the anger comes in waves. Some days I am so freakin' angry and I can't identify and "immediate" cause, because deep down I'm just pissed that this is how my life will be now.
I also HATE that my little boy barely got any time to live at all, and I am so angry when I hear other people take it for granted, because no one is guaranteed a happy ending.
And that's been one of the hardest lessons I've had to learn.
Ps. I have the morbid thoughts, too.
Im so sorry!! The cycle is just plan viscious. I think you are right it wont ever go away completely. Some days are so much easier to deal with but it will never be perfect again. You are a stong mama though. Thank you for your example! Much love mama
I understand most of everything you said. To me, as a baby loss mom, what you are feeling is normal.
It's normal for you to feel angry and BE angry. It would be strange if you weren't... I just KNOW that she is looking down at you from heaven and hoping that the anger eventually fades away. Luckily you have an absolutely amazing little boy to snuggle you and make you smile every single day. <3
I am so very sorry that you have to experience this. I know that nothing will make you feel better, but know that you aren't alone. I have had three miscarriages, but no still births. I don't try to compare our losses, but just know that you aren't alone in your anger or in the feeling that you feel pressured to be over it. It's not something anyone ever gets over.
A Joyful Life
http://ajoy-fullife.blogspot.com
Reading this reminds of how intensely I felt that not only did my daughter die, but "me" as I knew her (and as everyone else knew me) died as well. I feel that less intensely now (over 2 years later), but I know I'm still a changed person even if others don't see it.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I don't know your pain, but I know mine and I'm sure it's similar on many different levels. The part of living every day knowing that things will never be different and how discouraging it is to think of living this life of pain forever. I have anxiety (which I have never had an ounce in my life until this happened) every day and about everything. It really has not gotten easier, even at this point. Sending big hugs to you♥
Glad to hear these emotions are normal-- even after a subsequent child is born. I'm halfway through my rainbow pregnancy and I'm still angry. I can't imagine that anger will go away completely, ever. It's anger because the primary emotion is love. We missed so much.
I definitely understand how you feel! I cry so hard after reading your post about Cara because I walked in your shoes. Pretty much to a "T". Wish I could be as verbal as you about my anger, disappointment, & sadness. I'm pregnant again @ 31 weeks. Hoping everything goes well. You inspire me & give me hope. Thanks :-)
Laura, your story is so powerful, I am so glad for your blog! I had Preeclampsia too, and Postpartum HELLP Syndrome and was very sick. Our due dates were close together, and I think the disease is so baffling, and heartbreaking because so many mothers and babies lose their lives and it just breaks my heart. I am glad to see you doing well, but definitely I can understand the anger still. I want to say thank you for sharing your story. You are an inspiration!!
My heart goes out to you. I have no other words, because sorry just doesn't seem to even begin to express how saddened I am for your loss of your beautiful daughter. {{HUGS}}
I read your post with chills and tears....relating to what you are saying on some levels and feeling so much sorrow for you. Everything about having lost a child is just so damn ugly and unfortunate and etched with un-answered questions. Big hugs to you!!!!
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