Happy Birthday to me!!

My husband purchased me my first SLR camera! Its the Sony NEX! I am so excited! It is supposed to be just as good if not better than the cannons. We went into best buy together after the purchase and learned a bit about the camera and also to make sure we love it! Of course I/we do! Not so sure I love the fact that other lenses are more than the camera it's self...booo.

 I have taken courses in photography in high school and college (of course this was before digital) but and am thrilled to learn all about it!! I am a very fast learner when I really want to learn about something. I consider myself very computer savvy, but wen it comes to phones and cameras I get a bit overwhelmed. I have to say for those of you wanting to upgrade from a point and shoot to a SLR this is the camera to go to! Easy learn! You really wont have to even get another camera as there are tons of lenses out there for additional zoom etc.

Doctor Ramblings

A while back I had a urine culture at my annual OBGYN checkup. I tested for some blood in my urine. My doctor was persistent that I get a recheck. I did about a month later and STILL blood in the urine. Doc called me today and told me I may want to see a urologist. If I could guess...I would guess I have slight kidney damage, which can be where my blood is coming from. That and or infection (the mono that just loves me so much it won't part) That is my most non doctor but crazy neurotic researcher of health guess. The ONLY doctor I happened not to see in my 6 month PP PE recovery was a urologist...go figure. He mentioned bladder cancer but quickly said that it was rare...which yah so was being totally healthy and losing a baby to PE so rare means nothing to me, as we all know.

This whole mono crap just wont go away. As of the beginning of August I still have it. I am guessing it is the chronic Epstein Barr Virus. Which you have forever. I believe it is basically a form of mono which eventually they deem chronic and it flares up here and there. Boo. I will ask to be rechecked in a few months here as well as the urine just to see if there still is blood. Who knows maybe it was a fluke and hey it can be normal right?!

Smiles to brighten your day!

Emotional

As most of you know I am now 100% off Zoloft! I went through a week of withdrawal effect which went from nausea to horrible brain zaps. It was seriously something I never wish to go through again.

The fact that I am off Zoloft and have not been off the drug since I lost my daughter may be contributing to my emotions (just a tad...) Yesterday I received mail in Caras name. Yup you read that right. It was addressed...Ms. Cara Meindel. The kicker? It was from March of Dimes. Newsflash to the big organization that I raised over 800$ and walked for...Ms. Cara Meindel is deceased. In face she was never living, so to get mail in her name was odd, and really caught me off guard. I was not sad, just irritated. I mean come on! Cara will not be using all the cute kid address labels you sent her, but thank you anyway. I think I am going to write the company. Only because I do not want this to happen to any other parent. sigh...

Moving on. Today I walked into work, one of the girls clients had a baby with her. Normally I run right over and ooo and awe. This time something told me "caution." I asked how old. The baby was 6 months. Then I heard the words adjusted and right then I had a feeling I know WHY he was born early. I was right...preeclampsia. 11 weeks early to Preeclampsia. He was adorable. He was LIVING....Just what Cara should be doing RIGHT NOW. Of course I cried and had to actually excuse myself outside. I had clients I had to pull it together. I thought that I was going to have to just go home and crawl into my bed, but I pulled it together. I so badly wanted to ask more questions but I just couldn't because looking at a child born almost the exact gestation and weight as Cara was too hard.

The further in this BLM process I go, the more people and babies I meet that have had PE and living babies from PE at Caras gestation or younger. It is very hard for me. Even more hard without Zoloft, something I used as my emotion masker, my zombie-rific meds.

I can honestly say that I feel like I am grieving all over again. It is no fair. BUT I am proud of myself for being off, and I think anti-depressants are the devil. They push away emotions that are normal. Their side effects are beyond normal, and coming off them is no party. Im mad my son was in the NICU due to the withdrawal effect, I am mad that I was put on antidepressants. I know it is what I NEEDED at the time. BUT I think what would have been more helpful would have been to talk to someone who possibly specialized in grief? Not some dumb medication that makes you feel numb and ok, when reality your not. Aren't you supposed to be depressed after you give birth to a baby who never breathes? ArEnt you supposed to have anxiety when you lived through a life threatening condition that took your daughter's life and toyed with your own? I'm no doctor but sounds normal to me!

I think society today sucks. ALONG with doctors. Yup they blow. Everyone is far too quick to put people on medications instead of addressing the problem at hand.

AND UGH WHY IS PREECLAMPSIA NOT ON SPELL CHECK!!!!!!

More Wedding Pictures!

Carter and I stood in my sister in law's (Carters Aunt) wedding! Here are some more snapshots including a 4 generation shot!!

28!

This weekend I celebrated my 28th birthday with a 4 hour dinner and three pitchers of sangria! A great local place that serves spanish inspires tapas! Great food, great friends = great time!

" I welcome getting older, each year is a blessing denied to many"

It all happens at once...

So in the mist of my parents moving, my brother moving, my mom going back to work, it is confirmed my husband will need shoulder surgery and will be unable to work for 6 months after surgery. His accident did happen at work so there is workers comp, but still scary when you know you pretty much rely on one income! Especially with our little toddler running about!

Turns out Kyle did tear his shoulder 180 degrees. Pretty painful. Not sure when his surgery is yet.

I always remind mysefl (especially now that I am off Zoloft) that things could be much worse and I can't control any of this. Day by day...day by day!

Zap-Alicious

This is what being hit by lightening feels like. I swear it! I am having some major withdrawals from coming off Zoloft. Its scary. I guess they are well known amongst us crazies as the "brain zaps" and I feel very disoriented, dizzy and nauseous. Had I known this I am not so sure I would have taken the drug in the first place. Nothing like a good old "Here is a drug that will make you feel like your not knocking on deaths door, but p.s. when you come off its like coming off crack!" (Not that I would know what that feels like, but I can imagine something like this!! My zaps are worse at night and I can feel the zaps from my fingers all the way down to my toes. The worst part...I can hear them. Yup! Call me crazy! I spoke with my doctor and we are going to try to stick it out another two weeks to see if it goes away. IF NOT, I have to be put back on the 12 mg and have an EVEN slower wean process...what could be slower than a two month wean and let alone just trying to wean off just 12MG! Isnt that like nothing?! GRRR!

I am actually pretty upset that drugs like these are deemed "safe" in pregnancy. My son Carter was born a month early at 36 weeks and he was in the NICU for a week due to "POSSIBLE" Pulmonary Hypertension and SSRI withdrawals. Oddly no one would really comment any further than that. He had breathing issues, de-stats, along with jolts and jitters. I can only imagine how that felt on a 7 lb baby. UGH!  NOW THAT I AM GOING THROUGH WITHDRAWALS I can 100% say I know it was the Zoloft. Carter was having Zoloft withdrawls. My poor sweetie. Which is why I am off. I am upset drugs that could "possibly" cause those type of reactions in neonates would be even in a category B or C when it comes to a safety of a drug in pregnancy.

I was put on Zoloft to save my well being after the loss of my daughter. I can say that at that point in my life that is WHAT I needed. I needed it to survive. However I hope in the future I never ever need a drug like that again.

Im back!

Unfortunately my computer took a crash! I feel like I have been away from blog land forever! Lots of changes around here so I will begin to fill you all in!

First and foremost, I am OFF ZOLOFT! It took me over a month to wean off and three therapist appointments, but I did it. The first week I did have some paranoia and some anxiety. The anxiety still comes and goes, mainly its my old anxiety (making lists, OCD cleaning, got a crazy bill in the mail...spend the next three hours obsessing about how much it was, IF and WHEN we get pregnant where will all the baby furniture go?, who will watch my kids if I have another...) Yup call me crazy. HOWEVER I do not have the anxiety that I am going to die, or that something tragic is going to happen to me or my family. THAT is the anxiety and depression that scared me the most after I lost my daughter. THAT is what I was so terrified of coming back. THAT is what HAS NOT returned! [insert happy dance] I do notice I am also overly emotional. I cry at the drop of the hat. I guess its nice to know I am human again? I was such a zombie before!

I have am still stuck on the last two pounds to lose to be pre Carter weight. I am ok with it. I am learning to love my body. After all it did give me two beautiful babies!

I had my recheck for my thyroid which was fine! Everything checked out fine with me on my yearly checkup! EXCEPT I do still test positive for mono. BOOO...HISS...I do feel so much better than I did in April and May but I do still have my days of just sleeping all day. (When I say all day I mean the few hours that of course C man Sleeps!) I had no idea that mono could last this long...sigh.

Here comes the AWESOME news! As some of you know my mother lost her job over a year ago. After almost a year of looking my parents decided to put their house on the market.

 Their house is a 4 bedroom 4 Bath almost 4,000 sq foot home. It is just the two of them. They decided maybe they should downsize. Their current house is immaculate and of course sold within two months! My parents also downsized to this beautiful 3 car garage 3 bedroom 3 bath home IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD. A street away from me! Awesome!

The news gets better. My mom got a job offer!!! I could not be happier for them both! My parents both work full time, so they will not be watching Carter but it is sure nice to have them close!

My very close friend Amelia watches Carter for me on Wednesdays when I work! It is so awesome to know he is in amazing hands! As well as he gets to hang with Z and LyLy! My loss of Cara led me to Amelia and her family. If there is ever a beautiful thing to come from my loss, Amelia and her family are for sure one of them!

Carter is doing great! Testing us every chance he has!

Kyle and I are doing well, as always! There is one unfortunate thing that happened. We found out through MRI scans that Kyle needs shoulder surgery. He finds out details Wednesday but a ligament in his shoulder was torn at work. Poor guy!

I recently took Carter to visit his sister. We hardly go. It always seems so emotional for me. Of course rightfully so, but I have to be in the right frame of mind. Maybe some day it will be easier? Maybe not.