Emotional

As most of you know I am now 100% off Zoloft! I went through a week of withdrawal effect which went from nausea to horrible brain zaps. It was seriously something I never wish to go through again.

The fact that I am off Zoloft and have not been off the drug since I lost my daughter may be contributing to my emotions (just a tad...) Yesterday I received mail in Caras name. Yup you read that right. It was addressed...Ms. Cara Meindel. The kicker? It was from March of Dimes. Newsflash to the big organization that I raised over 800$ and walked for...Ms. Cara Meindel is deceased. In face she was never living, so to get mail in her name was odd, and really caught me off guard. I was not sad, just irritated. I mean come on! Cara will not be using all the cute kid address labels you sent her, but thank you anyway. I think I am going to write the company. Only because I do not want this to happen to any other parent. sigh...

Moving on. Today I walked into work, one of the girls clients had a baby with her. Normally I run right over and ooo and awe. This time something told me "caution." I asked how old. The baby was 6 months. Then I heard the words adjusted and right then I had a feeling I know WHY he was born early. I was right...preeclampsia. 11 weeks early to Preeclampsia. He was adorable. He was LIVING....Just what Cara should be doing RIGHT NOW. Of course I cried and had to actually excuse myself outside. I had clients I had to pull it together. I thought that I was going to have to just go home and crawl into my bed, but I pulled it together. I so badly wanted to ask more questions but I just couldn't because looking at a child born almost the exact gestation and weight as Cara was too hard.

The further in this BLM process I go, the more people and babies I meet that have had PE and living babies from PE at Caras gestation or younger. It is very hard for me. Even more hard without Zoloft, something I used as my emotion masker, my zombie-rific meds.

I can honestly say that I feel like I am grieving all over again. It is no fair. BUT I am proud of myself for being off, and I think anti-depressants are the devil. They push away emotions that are normal. Their side effects are beyond normal, and coming off them is no party. Im mad my son was in the NICU due to the withdrawal effect, I am mad that I was put on antidepressants. I know it is what I NEEDED at the time. BUT I think what would have been more helpful would have been to talk to someone who possibly specialized in grief? Not some dumb medication that makes you feel numb and ok, when reality your not. Aren't you supposed to be depressed after you give birth to a baby who never breathes? ArEnt you supposed to have anxiety when you lived through a life threatening condition that took your daughter's life and toyed with your own? I'm no doctor but sounds normal to me!

I think society today sucks. ALONG with doctors. Yup they blow. Everyone is far too quick to put people on medications instead of addressing the problem at hand.

AND UGH WHY IS PREECLAMPSIA NOT ON SPELL CHECK!!!!!!