I caved...im going to see a cardiologist. I guess I just have been putting it off because Im so scared of doctors and what they will find! Im scared they are gonna find out something else. I guess I have no reason to be scared, I have had 3 EKG's all come back normal. My cholesterol is under control on meds. I just HATE doctors offices now. They make me crazy nervous, and I have mad flashbacks, so its hard for me to even go now!
But lets try to look at it this way. I was very ill with a disease that effects liver, kidney, heart, everything basically, who why not cover everything before I TTC again? Plus I do have high cholesterol, so I guess that would not hurt to see a cardiologist, because I know I will need one later in life. Also IF I get Preeclampsia again, I will already have a cardiologist that I can go to.
Another reason that made up my decision is that I have been doing lots of research about Cardio Output and what it has to do with Preeclampsia so I am going to print out some studies and show the doc. (I know this probably does not mean much to you NON PE people, but to make a reallly long story short, Preeclampsia is linked with heart disease somewhere down the line...somewhere...somehow...so off to see Mr. Heart Dr. I go! Hopefully I can get in to see him soon. I am awaiting a call back...P.S. Did I ever mention I hate when people ask my medical history...hmmm where do we start
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
A shared thought
I got a email today asking me how I do it. This person who emailed me is having depression issues and here is what I wrote back. Maybe I see the world differently, like through a new set of eyes...(wait who am I kidding I do see it differently) Now I only share this because sometimes I seem to surprise myself when I write stuff and think "hmm this could help other women as well" So thought I would share.
*******, you cant feel angry at yourself. Everyone's problems are equal. I have learned that through my grief that no ones problems are less important. (Except the people who thrive from problems and make problems so others feel sorry for them...those people are a whole other story!) Depression is horrible. Its a feeling no one can understand. I dont suffer from depression, however I do suffer from PTSD and anxiety now. How do I deal? Day to day basis. I assess how Im feeling every day I wake up. Within the first few hours I know if its going to be a good day or bad day. I also have to say blogging has been so amazing to help lift my spirits. You should start a blog. About being a wife and a mother and about depression and what makes you feel depressed. You would be amazed at how many people feel the exact same way! Some of the women I have met through blogging are helping change my life. Its amazing! You just have to know that you are doing the best that you can and you are a wonderful women and when your down just think "It could be worse" Thats what I tell myself. Even from what I have been through...It could be worse. You can also look at the positives in your life. As for putting a smile on my face. You have to because you are the only person who can help you move on. You can't dwell on the past and or feel sorry for yourself. Its just not healthy. You have to focus on your future and what is going to be best for you in the future. Hope this helps you :)
Ok I am also going to add this as Im sitting here thinking...I have had so many people say things like "if I were you I couldnt go on" "I would be in a mental hospital" "How can you move on" Let me just first start off with saying. Shit its not easy...But SOMEONE has to do it. SOMEONE has to move on. SOMEONE has to find happiness again and that SOMEONE is me. Only me. No one else can do it. Dont get me wrong for the first 3 weeks I literally just sat and stared into space every day. I didnt want to do ANYTHING. I did not wear makeup for 6 weeks. I hated showering, doing my hair. I didnt even care to get a pedicure or manicure with my mom. I didnt want to cook (which I LOVE doing) I look back at that and Im so scared to ever go back to that place.
You know what I think every mother that has lost a child would benifit from? Just doing things. Getting out there and doing the things you normally did. Get your life back. Take a hold of it with both hands! If you dont...you will never heal. I know of a women who lost a child that has major problems, never recovered. I just can't let myself be that person. I look back at how I felt the first 2 months and I NEVER want to feel that way again. It STILL feels like a movie or a dream. But I need to move on, and things that are helping me are going to baby showers, holding a newborn, walking through the baby clothes section. I cant avoid them forever and the fact is your never "READY" to do that again. You just have to...or you might never do it.
The smile on my face is not fake 90% of the time. 90% of the time I truly am happy. Im happy I have my family. Im happy I have my husband, 2 doggies (even though I miss Charlie terribly) Im happy I have a job I can't wait to get up to every day! Im happy I have wonderful friends. Im so happy of all the women I have met through my experience and im so happy that my life is now forever changed. Im happy im alive. Im happy that I will be able to create another life. Im happy 90% of the time. 10% of the time im not, and thats OK. 10% of the time im pissed off at my old doctor (I cant even get started on that and trust me if I could I would and when the time is right I will) Im pissed off that I buried my daughter. Im sad that I know what it feels liek to hold a dead infant. Im sad I know what its like to almost loose my own life. 10% of the time Im just plain having a off day and yes I have to fake a smile. Only because I am not going to be "that" person who people tip toe around because Im sad. SO yes I fake it sometimes, but thats only normal. Well whatever normal is anymore...
*******, you cant feel angry at yourself. Everyone's problems are equal. I have learned that through my grief that no ones problems are less important. (Except the people who thrive from problems and make problems so others feel sorry for them...those people are a whole other story!) Depression is horrible. Its a feeling no one can understand. I dont suffer from depression, however I do suffer from PTSD and anxiety now. How do I deal? Day to day basis. I assess how Im feeling every day I wake up. Within the first few hours I know if its going to be a good day or bad day. I also have to say blogging has been so amazing to help lift my spirits. You should start a blog. About being a wife and a mother and about depression and what makes you feel depressed. You would be amazed at how many people feel the exact same way! Some of the women I have met through blogging are helping change my life. Its amazing! You just have to know that you are doing the best that you can and you are a wonderful women and when your down just think "It could be worse" Thats what I tell myself. Even from what I have been through...It could be worse. You can also look at the positives in your life. As for putting a smile on my face. You have to because you are the only person who can help you move on. You can't dwell on the past and or feel sorry for yourself. Its just not healthy. You have to focus on your future and what is going to be best for you in the future. Hope this helps you :)
Ok I am also going to add this as Im sitting here thinking...I have had so many people say things like "if I were you I couldnt go on" "I would be in a mental hospital" "How can you move on" Let me just first start off with saying. Shit its not easy...But SOMEONE has to do it. SOMEONE has to move on. SOMEONE has to find happiness again and that SOMEONE is me. Only me. No one else can do it. Dont get me wrong for the first 3 weeks I literally just sat and stared into space every day. I didnt want to do ANYTHING. I did not wear makeup for 6 weeks. I hated showering, doing my hair. I didnt even care to get a pedicure or manicure with my mom. I didnt want to cook (which I LOVE doing) I look back at that and Im so scared to ever go back to that place.
You know what I think every mother that has lost a child would benifit from? Just doing things. Getting out there and doing the things you normally did. Get your life back. Take a hold of it with both hands! If you dont...you will never heal. I know of a women who lost a child that has major problems, never recovered. I just can't let myself be that person. I look back at how I felt the first 2 months and I NEVER want to feel that way again. It STILL feels like a movie or a dream. But I need to move on, and things that are helping me are going to baby showers, holding a newborn, walking through the baby clothes section. I cant avoid them forever and the fact is your never "READY" to do that again. You just have to...or you might never do it.
The smile on my face is not fake 90% of the time. 90% of the time I truly am happy. Im happy I have my family. Im happy I have my husband, 2 doggies (even though I miss Charlie terribly) Im happy I have a job I can't wait to get up to every day! Im happy I have wonderful friends. Im so happy of all the women I have met through my experience and im so happy that my life is now forever changed. Im happy im alive. Im happy that I will be able to create another life. Im happy 90% of the time. 10% of the time im not, and thats OK. 10% of the time im pissed off at my old doctor (I cant even get started on that and trust me if I could I would and when the time is right I will) Im pissed off that I buried my daughter. Im sad that I know what it feels liek to hold a dead infant. Im sad I know what its like to almost loose my own life. 10% of the time Im just plain having a off day and yes I have to fake a smile. Only because I am not going to be "that" person who people tip toe around because Im sad. SO yes I fake it sometimes, but thats only normal. Well whatever normal is anymore...
Naomi
So I met Jill on the Preeclampsia forums, she is a single mom who lost her sweet Naomi to Preeclampsia. Please read her blog and Jill needs lots of hugs and support from all us Angel Mommys out there!
http://www.areasontolivenaomihope.blogspot.com/
http://www.areasontolivenaomihope.blogspot.com/
Friday, March 26, 2010
The sunset & a ocean view
Thats all I want...really thats all I want! It will bring me some peace and comfort. Kyle and I are broke. Really we are. Between our Medical Bills, (old and new) and Charlies...were broke. I mean we are not in the hole...but we literally dont have much to our name anymore...savings gone...im not ashamed either to say it. I did everything I could for my daughter, and I did everything I could for Charlie (money wise) So its ok if im broke because of it.
BUUUTTT I really think we should go SOMEWHERE. We conceived Cara on our Vacation last April in Vegas ( at least we are 90% positive we did...she would have been our vegas baby...complete with glitter and sparkles) so we are thinking about going back there or to Mexico (which is where Kyle and I had our honeymoon...where did I mention it rained EVERY DAY...ha.)
If we go on a vacation we MAY be pushing it financially...Im afraid I will regret it because we want to TTC in May and I dont want to owe anymore money. AHHH!
So maybe we will just spend a weekend in downtown chicago? Hmm or drive somewhere for the weekend...but really come on...we live in IL there is not an ocean front even in driving distance. Either way we will do something!
BUUUTTT I really think we should go SOMEWHERE. We conceived Cara on our Vacation last April in Vegas ( at least we are 90% positive we did...she would have been our vegas baby...complete with glitter and sparkles) so we are thinking about going back there or to Mexico (which is where Kyle and I had our honeymoon...where did I mention it rained EVERY DAY...ha.)
If we go on a vacation we MAY be pushing it financially...Im afraid I will regret it because we want to TTC in May and I dont want to owe anymore money. AHHH!
So maybe we will just spend a weekend in downtown chicago? Hmm or drive somewhere for the weekend...but really come on...we live in IL there is not an ocean front even in driving distance. Either way we will do something!
Prayers for Kerry
i.hate.preeclampsia.A fellow blogger Mommy i.hate.preeclampsia. is in the hospital with Preeclampsia and borderline HELLP. i.hate.preeclampsia. She is not even 24 weeks along with her Daughter Josey. I HATE PREECLAMPSIA. Kerry and Josey need all the prayers they can get. Please keep her in your prayers! You can follow her story here Baby Josey
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Random
This post is going to be random and all over the place...Hey guess what!? Im still happy over here!! Still in a positive mood! Still truckin! I had a bit of anxiety last night, I just redirected my thoughts. I take my blood pressure daily. Never have before in my life but again I believe I do this due to my PTSD. When I have anxiety it goes up and I get even more anxiety. Last night it went up...then I re focused my thoughts and down it went again :)
Its like I need to re-train my brian. My brain still thinks that something may happen to me still. I need to realize the worst is over, its just all the emotional mombo jumbo. I do not take ambien every night...maybe one night a week? I do still take my zoloft, and my xanex as needed and I will say that I take my xanex every night before I go to bed to shut off my mind...I am going to try to take myself off it. My dose is .25 and I only take half a pill. So who REALLY knows if it does anything at all? Probably not...its all probably in my head. I have always had problems sleeping on and off, so im scared if I dont take something to help me still my night wil be filled with nightmare-ish thoughts? I wonder if you can take xanex while pregnant? (I need to ask doc about that...)
Ok so next week I go to get my Cholesterol tested since they upped my meds to 80 mg. I also am going to be rested for my Vit D deficiency...hopefully it goes back up. Mine was at 22 I believe they would like to see it at 30.
On another note I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. April 25 I have the walk for March of Dimes, we have raised 505$!!! So we hit our limit, so all I need to do for that is make tee shirts. TEAM CARA wooo hooo! (Well I wish I never ever ever had to walk for this or be excited about a shirt with my deceased daughters name on it...) Im walking for March of Dimes because before I gacve birth to Cara at almost 31 weeks, I never even knew how many babies are born sooo early. Never knew how many did not make it, never knew how many are stillborn, never knew how many had so many problems...so thats why I walk...for my daughter who was stillborn and for all other babies that NO ONE seems to talk about.
Then after March of Dimes I go straight to the Promise walk for Preeclampsia (Thats the big one for me) My salon is a local spondser! YAY Ginger Root. I also was asked to read a poem I wrote at the opening ceremony with all the preeclampsia survivor children on stage with me and afterwards there will be a balloon release for all the angel babies gone too soon. So you know Im very excited about that, but getting overwhelmed, I am trying to help out as much as possible, emails, conference calls, but I just keep telling myself its all 100% worth it.
Quick update on my Gram H. She is still in the hospital, still not breathing on her own. Infection in lungs and gallblatter...pnemounia (however you spell that tricky one) she also had a tracheodomy (where they put a tube in your throat to help you breathe) done on monday. She is a fighter, so still keep her in your prayers. God knows she is in mine!
Sunday I laid Charlie to rest. It wa sad and I miss him. When Kyle picked up his ashes last week I just held them and cried, I still can't believe he is gone. It all happened to fast! I miss him so much. Arthur is keeping me company and is getting along with Gia...hes such a ham!
A random thought...Just so everyone knows...Im sure I dont have 100% good spelling or grammar, but I dont care...(kind of like the post I posted earlier) I write to survive, not to wonder if supercalafragilistic is spelt right...or to wonder if spelt is even a word...It is in my book, so is funnier :) I always thought that one should be a word!
Ok sooo last thing...I get a lot of emails and comments telling me I am an inspiration, although I may not always respond back (alot of the times I check my blog at work...im naughty) but I just want to let everyone know that I never in a million years thought people I did not even know would care about "my world" so much! Everything you all say means so much. I even hear that friends of mine's friends read my blog...thats awesome too. I have met people through here that do not even live in the US that read my blog. SOOO cool :)
Ok im done :)
Its like I need to re-train my brian. My brain still thinks that something may happen to me still. I need to realize the worst is over, its just all the emotional mombo jumbo. I do not take ambien every night...maybe one night a week? I do still take my zoloft, and my xanex as needed and I will say that I take my xanex every night before I go to bed to shut off my mind...I am going to try to take myself off it. My dose is .25 and I only take half a pill. So who REALLY knows if it does anything at all? Probably not...its all probably in my head. I have always had problems sleeping on and off, so im scared if I dont take something to help me still my night wil be filled with nightmare-ish thoughts? I wonder if you can take xanex while pregnant? (I need to ask doc about that...)
Ok so next week I go to get my Cholesterol tested since they upped my meds to 80 mg. I also am going to be rested for my Vit D deficiency...hopefully it goes back up. Mine was at 22 I believe they would like to see it at 30.
On another note I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. April 25 I have the walk for March of Dimes, we have raised 505$!!! So we hit our limit, so all I need to do for that is make tee shirts. TEAM CARA wooo hooo! (Well I wish I never ever ever had to walk for this or be excited about a shirt with my deceased daughters name on it...) Im walking for March of Dimes because before I gacve birth to Cara at almost 31 weeks, I never even knew how many babies are born sooo early. Never knew how many did not make it, never knew how many are stillborn, never knew how many had so many problems...so thats why I walk...for my daughter who was stillborn and for all other babies that NO ONE seems to talk about.
Then after March of Dimes I go straight to the Promise walk for Preeclampsia (Thats the big one for me) My salon is a local spondser! YAY Ginger Root. I also was asked to read a poem I wrote at the opening ceremony with all the preeclampsia survivor children on stage with me and afterwards there will be a balloon release for all the angel babies gone too soon. So you know Im very excited about that, but getting overwhelmed, I am trying to help out as much as possible, emails, conference calls, but I just keep telling myself its all 100% worth it.
Quick update on my Gram H. She is still in the hospital, still not breathing on her own. Infection in lungs and gallblatter...pnemounia (however you spell that tricky one) she also had a tracheodomy (where they put a tube in your throat to help you breathe) done on monday. She is a fighter, so still keep her in your prayers. God knows she is in mine!
Sunday I laid Charlie to rest. It wa sad and I miss him. When Kyle picked up his ashes last week I just held them and cried, I still can't believe he is gone. It all happened to fast! I miss him so much. Arthur is keeping me company and is getting along with Gia...hes such a ham!
A random thought...Just so everyone knows...Im sure I dont have 100% good spelling or grammar, but I dont care...(kind of like the post I posted earlier) I write to survive, not to wonder if supercalafragilistic is spelt right...or to wonder if spelt is even a word...It is in my book, so is funnier :) I always thought that one should be a word!
Ok sooo last thing...I get a lot of emails and comments telling me I am an inspiration, although I may not always respond back (alot of the times I check my blog at work...im naughty) but I just want to let everyone know that I never in a million years thought people I did not even know would care about "my world" so much! Everything you all say means so much. I even hear that friends of mine's friends read my blog...thats awesome too. I have met people through here that do not even live in the US that read my blog. SOOO cool :)
Ok im done :)
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Why I write to survive...
Writing the Heartache
By Alice J. Wisler
The first year after the death of a child is like having the worst noise possible running through your head each day and night. There is no way to turn the horrendous sounds off because there is no off button.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grammar didn’t matter; penmanship went out the window. These aren’t a concern when you are writing to survive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wrote through that noise. I wrote from the heavy bag of emotions bereaved parents and siblings must carry—anger, guilt, sorrow, and confusion, all the “what ifs” and “how comes” and “whys.”
I wrote of longing for a blond-haired boy with blue eyes whose laughter brightened hospital rooms. A quiet spot under weeping willows at a local park is where I carried my pen, journal, and pain. As I wrote over the course of many months, I was, although I didn’t realize it at the time, providing therapy for myself.
Some days when the weather did not permit a trip to the park and my body and mind harbored excruciating pain, I shut myself in a room, away from my other children and husband. I’d grab my journal and let the experiences of the day and my feelings freely emerge onto each white page. Grammar didn’t matter; penmanship went out the window. These aren’t a concern when you are writing to survive.
Writing the heartache, complete and honest, is a way of healing. Our cry is, “Help me with this pain!” We find ourselves lamenting as King David did in Psalm 13:2, “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?” David wrote many of his psalms starting with anger and agony and, gradually, ending with hope.
Writing can do that for us. We enter into our devastation, get a good grip on what our struggles are, and something about seeing them on paper causes us to realize the pain is not only within us anymore. It is shared, even if only on a sheet of notebook paper. It is documented, and the more we write, the better we are able to understand and deal with our intense sorrow.
Some people think only the creative types write, when in reality, writing through the pain is available to anyone who has suffered the loss of someone close. “I don’t have the time,” many say. “What will I write?” others wonder. The blank page scares some because they think they have to fill it with something profound.
But just writing a memory of your child or a few lines about how you felt after he died is a notable start. If we think of writing as a private endeavor and an effective tool, not a paper to be graded by a high school English teacher, we will conquer many of the doubts about our ability. In time, we will see that writing helps us become better in tune with our feelings and thoughts. It clarifies our lives and gives us understanding.
Other reasons to take the time to write are:
1) To experience personal growth.
2) To leave a legacy or a keepsake so that there will be recordings of what and who our child was.
3) To demonstrate a way of cherishing our child.
4) To feel a connection to our child as we remember the things we shared here on earth.
We also are honoring our grief, our pain, and what has happened to us. We are validating its existence. As studies have shown, writing is healthy for our minds and bodies.
Professor James Pennebaker claims that writing actually helps the physical body when the writer is able to open up, by sharing deep feelings on paper over a period of time. In his study, half of a group of students at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, wrote their heartfelt thoughts and feelings about a stressful event from their lives; the other half wrote about superficial topics. Each group wrote for 20 minutes a day, for four consecutive days. Before and immediately after writing, blood pressure and heart rates were tested and a galvanic skin response was done. Six weeks later, the students had their blood tested again.
The group that had written about trivial topics showed no sign of changes. But the group that had poured their pain onto paper, claimed writing had actually calmed them. Their skin was drier after writing and both heart rate and blood pressure had decreased. Their blood work even showed an increase in lymphocytes, the white blood cells that work to keep the immune system healthy.
Writing through the heartache of losing a child is some of the best therapy I have found on this journey. I didn’t know how helpful it was, I just knew I needed to organize my thoughts and get them on paper. Now, four years since my 4-year-old son Daniel’s death, I see that when all the evidence is presented, there is no reason not to write. It causes dim skies to light up when not only the pain, but also the love and cherished memories, are recorded.
----------------------
Alice J. Wisler is the author of a new novel that deals with loss, Rain Song. She also compiled Slices of Sunlight and Down the Cereal Aisle, two cookbooks with recipes and memories of children who have gone too soon.
By Alice J. Wisler
The first year after the death of a child is like having the worst noise possible running through your head each day and night. There is no way to turn the horrendous sounds off because there is no off button.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Grammar didn’t matter; penmanship went out the window. These aren’t a concern when you are writing to survive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wrote through that noise. I wrote from the heavy bag of emotions bereaved parents and siblings must carry—anger, guilt, sorrow, and confusion, all the “what ifs” and “how comes” and “whys.”
I wrote of longing for a blond-haired boy with blue eyes whose laughter brightened hospital rooms. A quiet spot under weeping willows at a local park is where I carried my pen, journal, and pain. As I wrote over the course of many months, I was, although I didn’t realize it at the time, providing therapy for myself.
Some days when the weather did not permit a trip to the park and my body and mind harbored excruciating pain, I shut myself in a room, away from my other children and husband. I’d grab my journal and let the experiences of the day and my feelings freely emerge onto each white page. Grammar didn’t matter; penmanship went out the window. These aren’t a concern when you are writing to survive.
Writing the heartache, complete and honest, is a way of healing. Our cry is, “Help me with this pain!” We find ourselves lamenting as King David did in Psalm 13:2, “How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?” David wrote many of his psalms starting with anger and agony and, gradually, ending with hope.
Writing can do that for us. We enter into our devastation, get a good grip on what our struggles are, and something about seeing them on paper causes us to realize the pain is not only within us anymore. It is shared, even if only on a sheet of notebook paper. It is documented, and the more we write, the better we are able to understand and deal with our intense sorrow.
Some people think only the creative types write, when in reality, writing through the pain is available to anyone who has suffered the loss of someone close. “I don’t have the time,” many say. “What will I write?” others wonder. The blank page scares some because they think they have to fill it with something profound.
But just writing a memory of your child or a few lines about how you felt after he died is a notable start. If we think of writing as a private endeavor and an effective tool, not a paper to be graded by a high school English teacher, we will conquer many of the doubts about our ability. In time, we will see that writing helps us become better in tune with our feelings and thoughts. It clarifies our lives and gives us understanding.
Other reasons to take the time to write are:
1) To experience personal growth.
2) To leave a legacy or a keepsake so that there will be recordings of what and who our child was.
3) To demonstrate a way of cherishing our child.
4) To feel a connection to our child as we remember the things we shared here on earth.
We also are honoring our grief, our pain, and what has happened to us. We are validating its existence. As studies have shown, writing is healthy for our minds and bodies.
Professor James Pennebaker claims that writing actually helps the physical body when the writer is able to open up, by sharing deep feelings on paper over a period of time. In his study, half of a group of students at Southern Methodist University in Dallas, Texas, wrote their heartfelt thoughts and feelings about a stressful event from their lives; the other half wrote about superficial topics. Each group wrote for 20 minutes a day, for four consecutive days. Before and immediately after writing, blood pressure and heart rates were tested and a galvanic skin response was done. Six weeks later, the students had their blood tested again.
The group that had written about trivial topics showed no sign of changes. But the group that had poured their pain onto paper, claimed writing had actually calmed them. Their skin was drier after writing and both heart rate and blood pressure had decreased. Their blood work even showed an increase in lymphocytes, the white blood cells that work to keep the immune system healthy.
Writing through the heartache of losing a child is some of the best therapy I have found on this journey. I didn’t know how helpful it was, I just knew I needed to organize my thoughts and get them on paper. Now, four years since my 4-year-old son Daniel’s death, I see that when all the evidence is presented, there is no reason not to write. It causes dim skies to light up when not only the pain, but also the love and cherished memories, are recorded.
----------------------
Alice J. Wisler is the author of a new novel that deals with loss, Rain Song. She also compiled Slices of Sunlight and Down the Cereal Aisle, two cookbooks with recipes and memories of children who have gone too soon.
I have noticed
So Im starting to notice that my goo days outweigh my bad days. My bad days have turned into bad moments. I dont get spikes in my blood pressure from my anxiety and honestly I dont have much anxiety anymore. I have learned that when I do start getting anxiety I stop what im doing and redirect myself somewhere else.
I have also noticed that in the beginning 3 months were the hardest for me. I could not even FATHOM being pregnant again and every time I would think about it I would start getting anxiety again. (P.S. did I mention I hate the word ANXIETY because people use it that REALLY dont know what it truly means...plus mine is more PTSD) Now I can imagine myself pregnant again and I am not taking my blood pressure 1787 times a day. Now its more like 3 which is normal for me (Hey I DID have stroke range pressures so thats a LITTLE nervewrecking) I feel like being pregnant again is in my grasp. I know what to look for now. I know what signs and symptoms are. I know that I most likely will be on bed rest around week 30. I know I will need to cut back my hours at work. BUT its all temporary.
For the first time I felt that I did not NEED to go to my share group. I did however feel that the death of Charlie (my chihuahua) put me a few steps back...its now like Im moving right along. Unfortunately thats life and this is my life.
I am learning that stressing out will not fix anything and will not help me in the long run. Now im not sure if im feeling "better" because its starting to be spring again...who knows all I know is that the people that said "It gets better" I hate to admit it but they are right. Well in a way...it does not get better it just gets less painful.
I just need to move forward. Like I said above I have my moments trust me I do. Most people dont even know I have them. (Like I cried at work on saturday to myself...no one knew and all was good...did I mention I HATE crying in front of people I feel weird...weak...defeated)
So cheers to May still. I believe im on for May...my urine has to come back with no protein and my thyroid and Vitamin D levels need to be back in line. So im hoping for the best.
Yay a cheery post from the momma! :)
I have also noticed that in the beginning 3 months were the hardest for me. I could not even FATHOM being pregnant again and every time I would think about it I would start getting anxiety again. (P.S. did I mention I hate the word ANXIETY because people use it that REALLY dont know what it truly means...plus mine is more PTSD) Now I can imagine myself pregnant again and I am not taking my blood pressure 1787 times a day. Now its more like 3 which is normal for me (Hey I DID have stroke range pressures so thats a LITTLE nervewrecking) I feel like being pregnant again is in my grasp. I know what to look for now. I know what signs and symptoms are. I know that I most likely will be on bed rest around week 30. I know I will need to cut back my hours at work. BUT its all temporary.
For the first time I felt that I did not NEED to go to my share group. I did however feel that the death of Charlie (my chihuahua) put me a few steps back...its now like Im moving right along. Unfortunately thats life and this is my life.
I am learning that stressing out will not fix anything and will not help me in the long run. Now im not sure if im feeling "better" because its starting to be spring again...who knows all I know is that the people that said "It gets better" I hate to admit it but they are right. Well in a way...it does not get better it just gets less painful.
I just need to move forward. Like I said above I have my moments trust me I do. Most people dont even know I have them. (Like I cried at work on saturday to myself...no one knew and all was good...did I mention I HATE crying in front of people I feel weird...weak...defeated)
So cheers to May still. I believe im on for May...my urine has to come back with no protein and my thyroid and Vitamin D levels need to be back in line. So im hoping for the best.
Yay a cheery post from the momma! :)
Friday, March 19, 2010
Angel Baby Names
Hi guys! I created a new blog. WWW.AngelBabyNames.blogspot.com
I am looking for someone to create a header and grab button for me in exchange for their Angel Baby Name meaning.
I will be going this for mothers free of Charge :) Thanks!
I am looking for someone to create a header and grab button for me in exchange for their Angel Baby Name meaning.
I will be going this for mothers free of Charge :) Thanks!
Promise walk poems
So I was asked to write a poem for the Chicago promise walk on May 23. These are the two I came up with...any input would be appreciated :)
My mom is a survivor
She's left with this pain
She no longer has me to hold
She smiles through all the rain
My mom is a survivor
She fought it through
My mom is now here
With both me and you
My mom is a survivor
She smile and sings
Praise of the hope and happiness
I will always bring
My mom was a survivor she tried and tried
You took her from me
You stole and lied
All moms are survivors
Not a single story alike
You bring us all together and help us fight
Fight for a cure
Fight for happiness
Fight for hope
Fight for bliss
Help us with wings shine our light
My mom is a survivor help her fight
Here on Earth
By: Laura Meindel
By: Laura Meindel
Their smiles are in the wind
Their laugh in the rain
Mommys left here on earth...
Dealing with the pain
Their love surrounds us
Their memory shine through
Mommys here on earth...
Always thinking about you
Empty arms and empty rooms
Empty hearts empty souls
Daddys here on earth...
Hearts left with a hole
Heaven sent with love
Heaven sent with wings
Daddys here on earth...
Left with all your things
Memories in a box
Pictures in a frame
Mommys and Daddies here on earth...
Shining through your name
Some of your stories bring sadness
Some bring anger and tears
Mommy's and daddies will live your story all the rest of their years
My Mom is a survivor
By: Laura Meindel
Their laugh in the rain
Mommys left here on earth...
Dealing with the pain
Their love surrounds us
Their memory shine through
Mommys here on earth...
Always thinking about you
Empty arms and empty rooms
Empty hearts empty souls
Daddys here on earth...
Hearts left with a hole
Heaven sent with love
Heaven sent with wings
Daddys here on earth...
Left with all your things
Memories in a box
Pictures in a frame
Mommys and Daddies here on earth...
Shining through your name
Some of your stories bring sadness
Some bring anger and tears
Mommy's and daddies will live your story all the rest of their years
My Mom is a survivor
By: Laura Meindel
My mom is a survivor
She's left with this pain
She no longer has me to hold
She smiles through all the rain
My mom is a survivor
She fought it through
My mom is now here
With both me and you
My mom is a survivor
She smile and sings
Praise of the hope and happiness
I will always bring
My mom was a survivor she tried and tried
You took her from me
You stole and lied
All moms are survivors
Not a single story alike
You bring us all together and help us fight
Fight for a cure
Fight for happiness
Fight for hope
Fight for bliss
Help us with wings shine our light
My mom is a survivor help her fight
Flashback
Part of my PTSD, is having flashbacks of my "horror story" They typically happen in the morning when im just waking up. Today I felt my heart race and was having flashbacks about being in the hospital with the EKG wires hooked to me and being scared for my life. I quickly had to tell myself that was then this was now.
I think these thoughts come from the nightmares I have that come and go. Last night I dreamed about seeing a cardiologist, and they found something wrong. I remember crying in my dream. I hate those dreams! They are few and far between now, so thats good at least!
I also have decided not to see a therapist. I would however appreciate any comments you all have if you have seen one IF your a angel mommy. I have not heard anything positive from anyone who has lost a child that have seen a therapist. Your looking at my therapist its blogger.com...its also all you guys who read my babble and comment :)
I think these thoughts come from the nightmares I have that come and go. Last night I dreamed about seeing a cardiologist, and they found something wrong. I remember crying in my dream. I hate those dreams! They are few and far between now, so thats good at least!
I also have decided not to see a therapist. I would however appreciate any comments you all have if you have seen one IF your a angel mommy. I have not heard anything positive from anyone who has lost a child that have seen a therapist. Your looking at my therapist its blogger.com...its also all you guys who read my babble and comment :)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Play it sweet in heaven...
Today I got the phone call. "Charlies ashes are ready to be picked up." It was not as hard as I thought it would be to hear. I keep thinking he is still here. He still feels here. I am not sure if that is because I got another puppy so soon or not.
I hate the fact that I see his hair everywhere around my house! I had to take my coats to be dry cleaned because there was little white hair everywhere. Like I had said before experiencing Charlies death was like nothing I can even tell anyone. I was felt with dispair, fear, anger, and sadness, a sadness that I cant even explain. Does not help that the death of my child was 3 months prior. Also does not help that no one in my family on either side has passed (I have both sets of grandparents.) So death for me in general is very hard to deal with. I felt so helpless watching Charlie slip away. I couldnt help my daughter, and I couldnt help Charlie.
HOWEVER what gives me comfort is that because I have no family members in heaven, that means Cara is alone up there. [Of course she has her Angel friends Brenna, Nolan, Vincent, Rissa, Emma, Chase and many many others] Now Charlie has Cara to watch over him and she has Charlie to play with.
On a happy note...Gia is letting Arthur in! When Arthur first came home, she took all of his toys and hid them in a corner and growled at him. Now he follows her everywhere! She tolerates him and even lets him sleep touching her! She is such a sweet sweet girl!
I hate the fact that I see his hair everywhere around my house! I had to take my coats to be dry cleaned because there was little white hair everywhere. Like I had said before experiencing Charlies death was like nothing I can even tell anyone. I was felt with dispair, fear, anger, and sadness, a sadness that I cant even explain. Does not help that the death of my child was 3 months prior. Also does not help that no one in my family on either side has passed (I have both sets of grandparents.) So death for me in general is very hard to deal with. I felt so helpless watching Charlie slip away. I couldnt help my daughter, and I couldnt help Charlie.
HOWEVER what gives me comfort is that because I have no family members in heaven, that means Cara is alone up there. [Of course she has her Angel friends Brenna, Nolan, Vincent, Rissa, Emma, Chase and many many others] Now Charlie has Cara to watch over him and she has Charlie to play with.
On a happy note...Gia is letting Arthur in! When Arthur first came home, she took all of his toys and hid them in a corner and growled at him. Now he follows her everywhere! She tolerates him and even lets him sleep touching her! She is such a sweet sweet girl!
Friday, March 12, 2010
Meet Arthur
Well just as my world has basically came crashing down around me with the loss of Cara and sweet Charlie. (Not to compare the two, but death is hard any way you look at it) I decided I needed instant happiness! Meet Arthur Lucky Meindel.
I names him Arthur because he looks like ARTHUR (You know from the show with DW...it was a cartoon) (Lucky is his middle name for OBVIOUS reasons) but it was also my Pappy Angel's(yes thats his last name)first dogs name! I had no idea...so kinda cool!
Arthur has totally filled my heart with happiness. He is the sweetest Dog I know...(besides my Angel Charlie of course) While no dog could ever in a million years take Charlies place, Arthur is giving me happiness and helping me focus on other things besides death.
Now dont get me wrong, I love Gia (she is SUCH a goof), but she is my husbands Dog. She follows him EVERYWHERE. Even when he is in the bathroom she will wait for him outside the door. In the morning when I leave for work on saturdays she takes my spot! Her daddy spoils her ROTTEN!
I just felt so lonely and lost without someone to devote my time and love to, so Arthur is here to my rescue!
Gia is not so sure of Arthur yet...I know that Gia misses Charlie terribly. I have his blankies in Cara's room and she was going through them yesterday :( Gia is also a very ABNORMAL Pit Bull. She is scared of...Brooms, Vaccums, thunder storms, fireworks...she also has seperation anxiety, and she also made friends with a frog in our backyard last year...(yup friends...she picked him up and set him on the patio to play) I think time will tell if they will bond. I know they will never have a bond that Gia and Charlie had, I dont know any dogs that did, but I can only hope.
I names him Arthur because he looks like ARTHUR (You know from the show with DW...it was a cartoon) (Lucky is his middle name for OBVIOUS reasons) but it was also my Pappy Angel's(yes thats his last name)first dogs name! I had no idea...so kinda cool!
Arthur has totally filled my heart with happiness. He is the sweetest Dog I know...(besides my Angel Charlie of course) While no dog could ever in a million years take Charlies place, Arthur is giving me happiness and helping me focus on other things besides death.
Now dont get me wrong, I love Gia (she is SUCH a goof), but she is my husbands Dog. She follows him EVERYWHERE. Even when he is in the bathroom she will wait for him outside the door. In the morning when I leave for work on saturdays she takes my spot! Her daddy spoils her ROTTEN!
I just felt so lonely and lost without someone to devote my time and love to, so Arthur is here to my rescue!
Gia is not so sure of Arthur yet...I know that Gia misses Charlie terribly. I have his blankies in Cara's room and she was going through them yesterday :( Gia is also a very ABNORMAL Pit Bull. She is scared of...Brooms, Vaccums, thunder storms, fireworks...she also has seperation anxiety, and she also made friends with a frog in our backyard last year...(yup friends...she picked him up and set him on the patio to play) I think time will tell if they will bond. I know they will never have a bond that Gia and Charlie had, I dont know any dogs that did, but I can only hope.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
On a tuesday
Seriously...why does everything happen on a tuesday. I want to just OMIT tuesdays from my world in general. Cara left us on a tuesday and Charlie left us on a tuesday. I feel like EVERYTHING is being taken from me! AHHH. Im just like waiting to break down over here. I keep forgetting Charlie is no longer here.
I think this was my last straw I will be seeing a therapist now. Who knows if I go once or 18 times...everyone seems to think I need to see one, well now I think I do. I have a cardiologist apt on friday well im not going I need to give myself a few weeks to just calm down and not think about doctors and crap. Im over that at the moment. I kinda freaked out last night, in the mist of my crying I thought it would be a good idea to take my blood pressure...uh not such a good idea it was 124/91 (normal for me is like 100/70 or lower) So I am going to have anxiety for a while here so no more doc apts till I feel a bit better!
My Gram is in the hospital (Dads mom) and she is just trying to hold on right now and be strong, she is a strong women so I think she will pull through this, but thats a WHOLE other issue, I dont like to blog about "what if's" or blog much in fear that the problem may become worse, so thats why I did not mention Gram H. Keep her in your prayers.
SOoooooOooo ya I need to see someone. Especially after losing Charlie, thats was the ICING ON MY CAKE over here. The one thing that helped me the most get through Cara is gone. I ache for another puppy. I LOVE dogs...anyone who knows me knows that. DUHHH. So I am looking at adopting another chihuahua, could be tomorrow, could be in a week. But I am looking. Its spring, perfect time, and Gia is so sad and it has not even been 24 hours. Not to mention a puppy would just bring me a sliver of happiness right now, and thats all I need!
I think this was my last straw I will be seeing a therapist now. Who knows if I go once or 18 times...everyone seems to think I need to see one, well now I think I do. I have a cardiologist apt on friday well im not going I need to give myself a few weeks to just calm down and not think about doctors and crap. Im over that at the moment. I kinda freaked out last night, in the mist of my crying I thought it would be a good idea to take my blood pressure...uh not such a good idea it was 124/91 (normal for me is like 100/70 or lower) So I am going to have anxiety for a while here so no more doc apts till I feel a bit better!
My Gram is in the hospital (Dads mom) and she is just trying to hold on right now and be strong, she is a strong women so I think she will pull through this, but thats a WHOLE other issue, I dont like to blog about "what if's" or blog much in fear that the problem may become worse, so thats why I did not mention Gram H. Keep her in your prayers.
SOoooooOooo ya I need to see someone. Especially after losing Charlie, thats was the ICING ON MY CAKE over here. The one thing that helped me the most get through Cara is gone. I ache for another puppy. I LOVE dogs...anyone who knows me knows that. DUHHH. So I am looking at adopting another chihuahua, could be tomorrow, could be in a week. But I am looking. Its spring, perfect time, and Gia is so sad and it has not even been 24 hours. Not to mention a puppy would just bring me a sliver of happiness right now, and thats all I need!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
All dogs go to heaven
Really...seriously...this can't be happening...but yes it is. Today we had to put our sweet Charlie down. He would have been 5 April 21.
He had a disk disease, that we had surgery on 3 months ago. He got better, but then it was his neck. Today when I came home from work he was crying in pain and could barely move. I knew that was it he had enough. We made a decision that we would not do anymore surgeries and Charlie would go off to heaven. The way I look at this is Cara needed a playmate. There is no one up in heaven from my family with her and I think she was lonely.
When Charlie had his surgery the first time not even 2 weeks after I lost my daughter I knew it was to help me pull through. I had to focus 100% of my time on Charlie for 6 weeks. He knew he could not leave me that soon after Cara did...so he held on for me. He took my mind off a lot of negative things and made me think positive for him! Now hes gone. Just as I was taking 2 steps forward I feel like I was dragged 10 steps back.
When we got to the Vet (me, Kyle, Mom, Dad and Brother)we all said our goodbyes and gave him as much peanut butter as his little heart desired. I held him in my arms as he slipped away. It was very very quick. I also held him when they told me there was no longer a heart beat. I held his limp body like a baby wrapped up in a blanket (along with having flash backs of holding my dead daughter...to be honest I never want to hold anything dead again) and told him how sorry I was. I kept saying his name and saying what if he is in pain right now...what if he is not dead. But he was. He is.
I cant BELIEVE he is gone...really I cant at all. I dont know what to do. Seriously I dont know how to act or go on? My life keeps turning upside down. My tears wont stop and my pain is stronger than ever right now. For those of you who knew Charles, Cheese, Weiner, Weiner Man, Handome...you knew he was my son. He was not just a dog...there is no such thing as just a dog. I want him back, I want to undo what I just did, I want to hold him again and tell him its ok and that I love him. Im so mad right now at the world. At everything. I really thought I was doing better...getting better all that...now im not. Cara was taken from me and now Charlie was taken from me. I still have Gia but she and I DO NOT share that bond. She looks for him...she knows something is wrong. She misses him. I want another dog. I want a dog that I can grow a bond with again, and spoil to death, I was robbed of that with my daughter and now robbed again with my Charlie.
We are going to get his ashes and spread them on Caras grave so they can be together. We chose to have him creamated by himself, no other dogs. I want to know thats my handsome little guy.
I am so crushed right now. I feel like I am reliving November all over again. I can only think that Cara was tired of being alone and needed some comforting. Charlie is Cara size and would be perfect for her. Cara has her own puppy dog in heaven now. After all All dogs do go to heaven.
He had a disk disease, that we had surgery on 3 months ago. He got better, but then it was his neck. Today when I came home from work he was crying in pain and could barely move. I knew that was it he had enough. We made a decision that we would not do anymore surgeries and Charlie would go off to heaven. The way I look at this is Cara needed a playmate. There is no one up in heaven from my family with her and I think she was lonely.
When Charlie had his surgery the first time not even 2 weeks after I lost my daughter I knew it was to help me pull through. I had to focus 100% of my time on Charlie for 6 weeks. He knew he could not leave me that soon after Cara did...so he held on for me. He took my mind off a lot of negative things and made me think positive for him! Now hes gone. Just as I was taking 2 steps forward I feel like I was dragged 10 steps back.
When we got to the Vet (me, Kyle, Mom, Dad and Brother)we all said our goodbyes and gave him as much peanut butter as his little heart desired. I held him in my arms as he slipped away. It was very very quick. I also held him when they told me there was no longer a heart beat. I held his limp body like a baby wrapped up in a blanket (along with having flash backs of holding my dead daughter...to be honest I never want to hold anything dead again) and told him how sorry I was. I kept saying his name and saying what if he is in pain right now...what if he is not dead. But he was. He is.
I cant BELIEVE he is gone...really I cant at all. I dont know what to do. Seriously I dont know how to act or go on? My life keeps turning upside down. My tears wont stop and my pain is stronger than ever right now. For those of you who knew Charles, Cheese, Weiner, Weiner Man, Handome...you knew he was my son. He was not just a dog...there is no such thing as just a dog. I want him back, I want to undo what I just did, I want to hold him again and tell him its ok and that I love him. Im so mad right now at the world. At everything. I really thought I was doing better...getting better all that...now im not. Cara was taken from me and now Charlie was taken from me. I still have Gia but she and I DO NOT share that bond. She looks for him...she knows something is wrong. She misses him. I want another dog. I want a dog that I can grow a bond with again, and spoil to death, I was robbed of that with my daughter and now robbed again with my Charlie.
We are going to get his ashes and spread them on Caras grave so they can be together. We chose to have him creamated by himself, no other dogs. I want to know thats my handsome little guy.
I am so crushed right now. I feel like I am reliving November all over again. I can only think that Cara was tired of being alone and needed some comforting. Charlie is Cara size and would be perfect for her. Cara has her own puppy dog in heaven now. After all All dogs do go to heaven.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Moving along
So I had my urine tested two weeks ago and I still had 1+ in my urine. It has in one week gone down to trace ammounts. They want you to have less than 30. I have 89. So I will be rested again in May, if its negative I can go ahead and start to try again for baby #2. If it has not gone down I will have to see a nephrologist (kidney specialist) to see why I am still spilling protein and make sure my kidneys are ok.
I am excited the protein is going down...I had 4+ in my urine after delivery so now having trace ammounts means my body is improving!
On another good note my B12 is awesome. So I am not anemic nor do I have prenicious anemia (which my mother has as well) Good news for the week!
I am excited the protein is going down...I had 4+ in my urine after delivery so now having trace ammounts means my body is improving!
On another good note my B12 is awesome. So I am not anemic nor do I have prenicious anemia (which my mother has as well) Good news for the week!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
When it rain it pours...
Talk about raining on my parade...so as many of you know Charlie had Emergency back surgery Nov 30. We found out that my precious Charlie has IVDD Intervertebral Disc Disease.
Charlie as a baby
[This disease is common in smaller dogs. When the disc degenerates, the central “gel” loses its fluid, and is less resilient to normal wear and tear. Additionally, the fibers in the outer portion of the disc weaken, stiffen, and fray. As a consequence, the normal strains of everyday life might cause the central part to rupture up into, or through the outer layer. This is referred to by many people as a “slipped disc”. Actually, the whole disc does not “slip”; rather, a portion displaces upwards, and puts pressure on the overlying nerve roots and spinal cord. In most dogs with IVD disease there is no single event which causes the disc to displace. Many owners search for some reason, such as jumping, rough play, or external trauma to account for their dog’s symptoms. However, in most cases the disc displaces owing to the combination of normal activity and an already degenerated and weakened structure.]
So this all happened not even two weeks after our loss. Well he has been in some pain lately, so of course I took him in...only to find out that he is now having neck pain. More than likely due to this genetic disease. They wanted to do an MRI on him...however I just dont have 2000 to shell out anymore. Chances are he needs surgery. This breaks my heart. We JUST 3 months ago spent 5000 on his back surgery and now your telling me he needs neck surgery? Money really is not the issue...If we knew 100% that he would recover and heal 100% with no chance of this happeneing again...we would do it...however we dont know that. He could have this happen again to another disk in his neck or back. So yes we could have surgery again...but we could also most likely have it again and again and again...So really where do you draw the line.
Dr. M is great! (She made charles walk after his back surgery) but when she said "he just has surgery in November...hearing the month november made me cry! I cried when she told me he may need surgery again. I told her how I just lost my daugher and I cant lose my Charlie. She told me we are going to try 3 weeks cage rest and 4 different medications. So right now we are just holding on. Im holding on to whatever little hope that I have left. My life is just filling up with "LOSS" blahh! If one more person tells me to be positive I think they may see a fist to their face. Im TRYING to think positive...however its not working!! I was positive that I would have a healthy pregnancy...I didnt. I was positive that Charlie would not need surgery...he did. I was positive that Charlie would heal nicely and do great from surgery...he did. I was positive that he wouldnt need another...he most likely does...so excuse me if I have a bit of the negative thoughts. When it rains it pours. ESPECIALLY when things were starting to turn around. Im starting to feel better, Charlie is doing better with therepy, he can walk again...and now this. Its like taking 2 step s forward and ten steps back! I simply can't imagine my life without Charlie in it...hes 4 for crying out loud. Gia (my other dog) im sure would be heart broken as well...you see they are best friends. I know that I may have to face the decision os putting him down...but here is where I will think as positive as I can (but also try to be realistic) CHEER UP CHARLIE!
Charlie as a baby
[This disease is common in smaller dogs. When the disc degenerates, the central “gel” loses its fluid, and is less resilient to normal wear and tear. Additionally, the fibers in the outer portion of the disc weaken, stiffen, and fray. As a consequence, the normal strains of everyday life might cause the central part to rupture up into, or through the outer layer. This is referred to by many people as a “slipped disc”. Actually, the whole disc does not “slip”; rather, a portion displaces upwards, and puts pressure on the overlying nerve roots and spinal cord. In most dogs with IVD disease there is no single event which causes the disc to displace. Many owners search for some reason, such as jumping, rough play, or external trauma to account for their dog’s symptoms. However, in most cases the disc displaces owing to the combination of normal activity and an already degenerated and weakened structure.]
So this all happened not even two weeks after our loss. Well he has been in some pain lately, so of course I took him in...only to find out that he is now having neck pain. More than likely due to this genetic disease. They wanted to do an MRI on him...however I just dont have 2000 to shell out anymore. Chances are he needs surgery. This breaks my heart. We JUST 3 months ago spent 5000 on his back surgery and now your telling me he needs neck surgery? Money really is not the issue...If we knew 100% that he would recover and heal 100% with no chance of this happeneing again...we would do it...however we dont know that. He could have this happen again to another disk in his neck or back. So yes we could have surgery again...but we could also most likely have it again and again and again...So really where do you draw the line.
Dr. M is great! (She made charles walk after his back surgery) but when she said "he just has surgery in November...hearing the month november made me cry! I cried when she told me he may need surgery again. I told her how I just lost my daugher and I cant lose my Charlie. She told me we are going to try 3 weeks cage rest and 4 different medications. So right now we are just holding on. Im holding on to whatever little hope that I have left. My life is just filling up with "LOSS" blahh! If one more person tells me to be positive I think they may see a fist to their face. Im TRYING to think positive...however its not working!! I was positive that I would have a healthy pregnancy...I didnt. I was positive that Charlie would not need surgery...he did. I was positive that Charlie would heal nicely and do great from surgery...he did. I was positive that he wouldnt need another...he most likely does...so excuse me if I have a bit of the negative thoughts. When it rains it pours. ESPECIALLY when things were starting to turn around. Im starting to feel better, Charlie is doing better with therepy, he can walk again...and now this. Its like taking 2 step s forward and ten steps back! I simply can't imagine my life without Charlie in it...hes 4 for crying out loud. Gia (my other dog) im sure would be heart broken as well...you see they are best friends. I know that I may have to face the decision os putting him down...but here is where I will think as positive as I can (but also try to be realistic) CHEER UP CHARLIE!
Monday, March 1, 2010
ALL ABOUT ME!
Get to know me...
1. What's your favorite time of the day, and why?
The evening when I am cooking dinner and waiting for my hubby to come home!
2. If health wasn't an issue, what food could you live off of?
Pasta with cream sauce layered in cheese!
3. If you could have one wish granted (besides wishing for more wishes), what would it be?
I wish for just a few minutes with my Cara. I just would like to see her open her eyes or smile at me.
4. What's one thing that you get teased about a lot?
That I fall down quite often, especially after a few Vodka Tonics...or that I am too nice...I am learning that I really am too nice...
5. If you could choose one movie, book, or TV show to spend your life in, which would you pick? What type of character would you be?
TWILIGHT!!!
6. If you could have one talent that you don't already have, what would it be?
Photography & writing. I love pics and am just learning to edit and do fun things to them. Another would be my passion to write. I have wrote many many poems and two short stories. I have started writing a story about being a hair stylist that is called Color me pink. Its probably going to take me forever!
If money were no object, where would you go on vacation?
Well I dont like to fly...but Italy...I would love to see where my grandfather grew up.
8. If you were an awesome singer, which genre would you sing?
COUNTRY...Save a horse ride a cowboy
9. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree to one store, what would it be?
NORDSTROMS or Pottery Barn
10. If you could live in any point in time, when would it be?
I dont think I can answer this one...I want to live in the future when I finally hear a baby cry...I long for my future while many long for the past
11. If every outfit in your wardrobe had to be one color, what would it be?
Black and grey
12. If you were one of the seven dwarves, which one would you be?
(Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Happy, or Dopey)
Happy
I love laughing and making others laugh
13. What's the last album you listened to?
All my songs on limewire last night
14. What's something we'd be surprised to know about you?
Honestly I think everyone knows everything there is to know about me now.
What is your current problem?
I should really be at the gym
What makes you happy most?
My family and my Charlie
Any celeb you would marry?
Hugh Jackman
Name someone with the same birthday as you?
My Mom :) 36 hours of labor and Preeclampsia...but a great birthday gift!
Ever sang in front of a large audience?
When I was little I put on concerts of christmas songs for my family with my brother (Sorry Paul)...and yes Im serious
Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Nah...im my own celebrity!
Do you speak any languages?
I know some spanish...my grandfather speaks Italian and I wish I could
Has anyone you've been really close with passed away?
My daughter...thats the only family memeber on both sides to pass :(
Do you ever watch MTV?
Jersey Shore and Real world! Hello!!!
What's something that really annoys you?
People who lie...
Chapter 1:
===============
Middle name: Angel
Nickname(s): Messy, L-down
Eye color: Redish Brown
Chapter 2:
===============
Do you get along with your parent(s): 100%
Are your parents married/separated/divorced?: Married
Chapter 3: Favorites
===============
Ice cream: Not a fan...but I suppose Dark chocolate with peanut butter if I had to pick
Season: Well it WAS November and December...now ill just go back to October
Shampoo/conditioner: AVEDA!
Favorite Things? Doing hair, working out, reading, writing in my blog :)
Chapter 4: Do You..
===============
Dance in the shower? No Id slip...I cant really do Fan kicks in my shower
Call people back? im bad at that im not a phone talker...just a texter
Belive in God? Well yes, but Im mad at him right now
Any bad habits? Cracking my knuckles
Any mental health issues: Wow um lets start with Anxiety and Panic disorder...
Chapter 5: Have You..
===============
Sprained stuff: ankle, neck, elbow
Had physical therapy: 6 mom before knee surgery and 6 mo after
Gotten stitches? in my nose twice and my knee
Taken painkillers?: yes...but soon learned I was allergic
Gone scuba diving or snorkeling: love snorkeling
Thrown up at the dentist: noo
Had detention? never
Chaper 6: Who/What was the last
===============
Movie(s): Hot Rod (only the first 20 mins...it was horrible)
Three people to text you: Mom, Dusty, Bro
Person you called: Kyle
Person you hugged: Kyle
Person you tackled? Kyle
Thing you said: Charlie go lay down
Thing you read: Vitamin D deficiency book
Place you went: Work on saturday...yah Its monday...I have been a homebody this weekend
Favorite Color: Black
Something you wear: Glasses
Favorite food: My grandma's spaghetti and sausage and wedding soup (homemade)
Favorite place: Wisconsin...nothing but happy memories all 7 years
A reason for being late: I had to go back home to make sure I shut my curling Iron off...yup again im serious
Something you shout: OMG!
Favorite Movie: Grinch
Something you drink: Water and I love lemonade and Ice Tea
A musical group: Love John Mayer and Johnny Cash
Maybe I should: Be at the gym!
I love: My daughter
People would say that I am: Too nice
I don't understand: Morons
When I wake up in the morning: I attend to my doggies
I lost: My daughter
Life is full of: Suprises
My past taught me: that that only people you need in your life are the ones that need you in theirs....
I wish: For a healthy baby one day
Dogs: are my bff for life
Tomorrow: I hope to be busy at work!!
I have a low tolerance for: Selfishness
If I had a million dollars: Id buy a new house and 2 new cars, donate to March of Dimes, and PREECLAMPSIA foundation, and put the rest away for my baby :)
I'm totally terrified of: The unknown
1. What's your favorite time of the day, and why?
The evening when I am cooking dinner and waiting for my hubby to come home!
2. If health wasn't an issue, what food could you live off of?
Pasta with cream sauce layered in cheese!
3. If you could have one wish granted (besides wishing for more wishes), what would it be?
I wish for just a few minutes with my Cara. I just would like to see her open her eyes or smile at me.
4. What's one thing that you get teased about a lot?
That I fall down quite often, especially after a few Vodka Tonics...or that I am too nice...I am learning that I really am too nice...
5. If you could choose one movie, book, or TV show to spend your life in, which would you pick? What type of character would you be?
TWILIGHT!!!
6. If you could have one talent that you don't already have, what would it be?
Photography & writing. I love pics and am just learning to edit and do fun things to them. Another would be my passion to write. I have wrote many many poems and two short stories. I have started writing a story about being a hair stylist that is called Color me pink. Its probably going to take me forever!
If money were no object, where would you go on vacation?
Well I dont like to fly...but Italy...I would love to see where my grandfather grew up.
8. If you were an awesome singer, which genre would you sing?
COUNTRY...Save a horse ride a cowboy
9. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree to one store, what would it be?
NORDSTROMS or Pottery Barn
10. If you could live in any point in time, when would it be?
I dont think I can answer this one...I want to live in the future when I finally hear a baby cry...I long for my future while many long for the past
11. If every outfit in your wardrobe had to be one color, what would it be?
Black and grey
12. If you were one of the seven dwarves, which one would you be?
(Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Happy, or Dopey)
Happy
I love laughing and making others laugh
13. What's the last album you listened to?
All my songs on limewire last night
14. What's something we'd be surprised to know about you?
Honestly I think everyone knows everything there is to know about me now.
What is your current problem?
I should really be at the gym
What makes you happy most?
My family and my Charlie
Any celeb you would marry?
Hugh Jackman
Name someone with the same birthday as you?
My Mom :) 36 hours of labor and Preeclampsia...but a great birthday gift!
Ever sang in front of a large audience?
When I was little I put on concerts of christmas songs for my family with my brother (Sorry Paul)...and yes Im serious
Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Nah...im my own celebrity!
Do you speak any languages?
I know some spanish...my grandfather speaks Italian and I wish I could
Has anyone you've been really close with passed away?
My daughter...thats the only family memeber on both sides to pass :(
Do you ever watch MTV?
Jersey Shore and Real world! Hello!!!
What's something that really annoys you?
People who lie...
Chapter 1:
===============
Middle name: Angel
Nickname(s): Messy, L-down
Eye color: Redish Brown
Chapter 2:
===============
Do you get along with your parent(s): 100%
Are your parents married/separated/divorced?: Married
Chapter 3: Favorites
===============
Ice cream: Not a fan...but I suppose Dark chocolate with peanut butter if I had to pick
Season: Well it WAS November and December...now ill just go back to October
Shampoo/conditioner: AVEDA!
Favorite Things? Doing hair, working out, reading, writing in my blog :)
Chapter 4: Do You..
===============
Dance in the shower? No Id slip...I cant really do Fan kicks in my shower
Call people back? im bad at that im not a phone talker...just a texter
Belive in God? Well yes, but Im mad at him right now
Any bad habits? Cracking my knuckles
Any mental health issues: Wow um lets start with Anxiety and Panic disorder...
Chapter 5: Have You..
===============
Sprained stuff: ankle, neck, elbow
Had physical therapy: 6 mom before knee surgery and 6 mo after
Gotten stitches? in my nose twice and my knee
Taken painkillers?: yes...but soon learned I was allergic
Gone scuba diving or snorkeling: love snorkeling
Thrown up at the dentist: noo
Had detention? never
Chaper 6: Who/What was the last
===============
Movie(s): Hot Rod (only the first 20 mins...it was horrible)
Three people to text you: Mom, Dusty, Bro
Person you called: Kyle
Person you hugged: Kyle
Person you tackled? Kyle
Thing you said: Charlie go lay down
Thing you read: Vitamin D deficiency book
Place you went: Work on saturday...yah Its monday...I have been a homebody this weekend
Favorite Color: Black
Something you wear: Glasses
Favorite food: My grandma's spaghetti and sausage and wedding soup (homemade)
Favorite place: Wisconsin...nothing but happy memories all 7 years
A reason for being late: I had to go back home to make sure I shut my curling Iron off...yup again im serious
Something you shout: OMG!
Favorite Movie: Grinch
Something you drink: Water and I love lemonade and Ice Tea
A musical group: Love John Mayer and Johnny Cash
Maybe I should: Be at the gym!
I love: My daughter
People would say that I am: Too nice
I don't understand: Morons
When I wake up in the morning: I attend to my doggies
I lost: My daughter
Life is full of: Suprises
My past taught me: that that only people you need in your life are the ones that need you in theirs....
I wish: For a healthy baby one day
Dogs: are my bff for life
Tomorrow: I hope to be busy at work!!
I have a low tolerance for: Selfishness
If I had a million dollars: Id buy a new house and 2 new cars, donate to March of Dimes, and PREECLAMPSIA foundation, and put the rest away for my baby :)
I'm totally terrified of: The unknown
Words from others
Here are some emails from other women, or kind words that I appreciate every day! I keep these emails and read them when I am sad, so i thought I would share with all! (Names withheld for privacy!)
Hi Laura,
You don't know me, but I found your blog while reading the Preeclampsia Forum last week. I sobbed uncontrollably when I read Cara's story. I can't even begin to comprehend the pain you're suffering. It is beyond words. Please accept my deepest, heartfelt condolences for your loss. No mother should ever go through what you've gone through. I am very impressed by your diligence in researching preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome and finding the appropriate doctors to guide you in your pursuit to TTC again. I also admire your desire to help other women by making them aware of the dangers of preeclampsia. It is a silent killer.
I also suffered from severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome with my first (and only) pregnancy. Starting in month four, my feet and ankles became extremely swollen. My doctor dismissed it as a normal pregnancy issue. Shortly after that, my hands became swollen to the point where my right hand was almost completely numb. I was told this was carpal tunnel and again, a normal pregnancy problem. Then I started having rib pains and back pains. When I told my doctor about the rib pains, he dismissed them as "my organs moving to make room for the baby." I assumed the back pain was also a normal pregnancy issue, so I visited my chiropractor - however I was confused when his adjustments didn't help. (Turns out it was kidney pain.) It wasn't until my blood pressure started rising that my doctor became concerned. He took my b.p. on a Friday and it was slightly high. He told me to relax over the weekend and come back on Monday. When I came back on Monday, my b.p. had increased again. That's when he took blood, and told me to return the next day for an ultrasound. In the ultrasound, he found that my baby was extremely small for his gestational age. He also received my bloodwork results from the lab and found that my liver enzymes were elevated. He sent me directly to the hospital. I was 29-1/2 weeks.
They ran bloodwork again at the hospital and found my platelet level was extremely low. They woke me up at 4AM and told me I had HELLP syndrome and had to deliver my baby as soon as possible. They sent a team of nurses into my room and started wrapping up my bedrails with blankets. It was the most terrifying night of my life! They started me on magnesium. I remember asking one of the nurses to stay with me because I was so frightened. (I had sent my husband home for the night.) I was shaking uncontrollably. She told me I was very sick and needed to calm down. I was praying that my husband would make it to the hospital before I died. I had never come so close to death in my life. I was not ready to go!
I gave birth to our baby boy via emergency C-section at 9:49AM that morning, June 10th, 2009. He spent nearly 7 weeks in the NICU. Today he's nearly 9 months old and a healthy, active baby boy.
I want to let you know that your story has had a tremendous affect on my life. I told my husband about you and your loss and we held our baby **** and cried together. I don't know why you lost Cara and we didn't lose Evan. It is so unfair. Life doesn't make sense. But I want to let you know that I will always keep Cara's story in my heart. I will never take our baby boy for granted. I will be the best mother I can be, in honor of your loss.
I want to let you know that I'm not a crazy person! :) I never follow blogs and send strangers emails, but I felt driven to do so in this case. Please continue to speak out about preeclampsia. I will too! It is important!
I pray that God will bless you with another child and provide you with a healthy nine-month pregnancy! You sound like an amazing mother! I will continue to follow your blog.
Best wishes for your future!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Laura.
My heart breaks for you and your loss. I had no clue what PE was till I had it with my first (36 weeks), and I was afraid I might get it again and I did. There are times I think about having another baby, but I cannot go through that again. We were so incredibly blessed. ***** (my first - she will be four in April) came home with me two days later. She was small, but tough. ***** My second - will be one on the 9th of March) was in the special care at ****** for 11 long days. She was a tough girl though - only needed to grow and stay warm - never needed oxygen or anything like that....
I want so badly to help raise the awareness of this terrible disease. People don't understand. Some of my family members cannot understand why we won't have any more kids - they just don't get it - even after everything I went through.... For ****** first birthday party I asked our guests so please make donations to the Preeclampsia Foundation and many of them were like, "really?!?!". I want to help spread the news about it.
I would love to get together with you - but I understand if you would rather not. I can't imagine what you had to go through - and I know it must be hard to see someone with two healthy girls. My eyes are welling up with tears. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I just want to go hug my girls right now...
Well, let me know if you want to get together or we can chat through email. I would love to hear more about your story
I look forward to talking to you soon.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi,
I just read a few of your blogging entrys on your website. Some of what you wrote I feel the same way. Like about how me telling my story over & over again. I feel like people think ok that's enough already. Not a day goes by that I don't mention something about my daughter and or a thing that I remember her by. A store or something that I went into when I was pregnant or whatever the case may be I always find that I remmeber her in someway. I also see a lot of butterflies more so than I ever did and I like to think that's ***** around me. One day I came home from
somewhere and this butterfly was out near the car door and I walked up to the front door of my house and I swear the butterfly just was on my front door as ever so still but flapped its wings a few times and I couldn't help but go in and cry. It just said something to me. But I read a lot of your posts and things like that. My heart goes out to you & you
r husband & family. I can't imagine having to wait so long til May, but if you have to its possibly for the best. I hope you can try again in March, God Bless you. You're a beautiful bride by the way!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Believe me when I say this, that grief is not some... Believe me when I say this, that grief is not something you can attach a timeline to, especially when it comes to grieving the death of your child. I think six months is unreasonable for anyone to expect you to be "over it" and getting back to normal. Your life will never be normal again. You are and will forever be the mother of a dead baby. She will never grow up and you will spend the rest of your life wondering what she would look like, act like, be doing at a certain age. It's a heartbreaking journey, one I don't think you will ever heal from completely. Your circumstances were so traumatic and life threatening that not only will you need time to focus on healing your body, but it will also take a good deal of time and energy to heal your soul. Cara is beautiful. By keeping a blog and connecting with some of us mothers who have also lost our children, she won't be forgotten, I guarantee it. I can't think of any mama I've met through this community without also thinking of her precious child. Sending you hugs and wishes for gentle days...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Laura, and Kyle. I don't really know what i am going to write, so if it comes out all incoherent and blurry, forgive me :)
Cara touched me, your story touched me, and i could not walk away from my computer and do my daily things without sending a message. I checked the blog, saw the beautiful video you made about Cara's story, Cara's life. I also read your blogs, and yea, shed a tear here and there, couldn't help it.
I too am the mom of an angel, **** also died in November, 2006 so its been longer ago.
I know this may not be what you want to hear, or completely true, but the sharing and the blog, i think it is amazing and strong. Cara is a beautiful baby girl, and the love shines from the blog and the pictures. Not just the love for your baby girl, but your love for each other, and your love for life. That is a precious thing to share with the world, so thank you for doing that. Hold on to that, even when it hurts.
I didn't learn to love life till i met my angel, his birth changed my life dramatically in more ways then one, but it did take me to where i am now, instead of seeing the world as a place that only brings dark things to my life, I see the world as a place that brought an angel to touch me so deeply I see light where i never saw it, feel love where i didn't allow that to touch me before, trust the path that i have to travel in a way i never dared before.
But sometimes, its easy to go down the dark lane and tears are close then smiles, those are the times I look around me and see other peoples stories, sometimes to make myself cry, because i am good in bottling up emotions and i need to let it out at times. So i went to your blog to cry, instead now i am crying and smiling at the same time, because your blog pointed me back to the road i wandered off from for a minute. You reminded me of how proud i am to have an angel in my life.
Thank you again, for sharing your story, I don't know you or how you heal, so i wont make a whole speech about that, it looks to me like you have found your path, and from what i have seen and read, you are very strong. There may be times where you cant be as strong or where you stray of the path you are traveling, If that ever happens, feel free to message me, ill be happy to try to help.
And.. don't let go of each other, the love i see on the pictures between you two shines so bright it is amazing to see, hold on to that.
Thank you for sharing your story, for touching me, and for making me see it's a nice spring morning i should be using to smile, walk out and see the nature blossom.
You and your Cara helped me to see that.
Lots of love, good thoughts and hugs are sent from Denmark to you,
*****
Hi Laura,
You don't know me, but I found your blog while reading the Preeclampsia Forum last week. I sobbed uncontrollably when I read Cara's story. I can't even begin to comprehend the pain you're suffering. It is beyond words. Please accept my deepest, heartfelt condolences for your loss. No mother should ever go through what you've gone through. I am very impressed by your diligence in researching preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome and finding the appropriate doctors to guide you in your pursuit to TTC again. I also admire your desire to help other women by making them aware of the dangers of preeclampsia. It is a silent killer.
I also suffered from severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome with my first (and only) pregnancy. Starting in month four, my feet and ankles became extremely swollen. My doctor dismissed it as a normal pregnancy issue. Shortly after that, my hands became swollen to the point where my right hand was almost completely numb. I was told this was carpal tunnel and again, a normal pregnancy problem. Then I started having rib pains and back pains. When I told my doctor about the rib pains, he dismissed them as "my organs moving to make room for the baby." I assumed the back pain was also a normal pregnancy issue, so I visited my chiropractor - however I was confused when his adjustments didn't help. (Turns out it was kidney pain.) It wasn't until my blood pressure started rising that my doctor became concerned. He took my b.p. on a Friday and it was slightly high. He told me to relax over the weekend and come back on Monday. When I came back on Monday, my b.p. had increased again. That's when he took blood, and told me to return the next day for an ultrasound. In the ultrasound, he found that my baby was extremely small for his gestational age. He also received my bloodwork results from the lab and found that my liver enzymes were elevated. He sent me directly to the hospital. I was 29-1/2 weeks.
They ran bloodwork again at the hospital and found my platelet level was extremely low. They woke me up at 4AM and told me I had HELLP syndrome and had to deliver my baby as soon as possible. They sent a team of nurses into my room and started wrapping up my bedrails with blankets. It was the most terrifying night of my life! They started me on magnesium. I remember asking one of the nurses to stay with me because I was so frightened. (I had sent my husband home for the night.) I was shaking uncontrollably. She told me I was very sick and needed to calm down. I was praying that my husband would make it to the hospital before I died. I had never come so close to death in my life. I was not ready to go!
I gave birth to our baby boy via emergency C-section at 9:49AM that morning, June 10th, 2009. He spent nearly 7 weeks in the NICU. Today he's nearly 9 months old and a healthy, active baby boy.
I want to let you know that your story has had a tremendous affect on my life. I told my husband about you and your loss and we held our baby **** and cried together. I don't know why you lost Cara and we didn't lose Evan. It is so unfair. Life doesn't make sense. But I want to let you know that I will always keep Cara's story in my heart. I will never take our baby boy for granted. I will be the best mother I can be, in honor of your loss.
I want to let you know that I'm not a crazy person! :) I never follow blogs and send strangers emails, but I felt driven to do so in this case. Please continue to speak out about preeclampsia. I will too! It is important!
I pray that God will bless you with another child and provide you with a healthy nine-month pregnancy! You sound like an amazing mother! I will continue to follow your blog.
Best wishes for your future!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Laura.
My heart breaks for you and your loss. I had no clue what PE was till I had it with my first (36 weeks), and I was afraid I might get it again and I did. There are times I think about having another baby, but I cannot go through that again. We were so incredibly blessed. ***** (my first - she will be four in April) came home with me two days later. She was small, but tough. ***** My second - will be one on the 9th of March) was in the special care at ****** for 11 long days. She was a tough girl though - only needed to grow and stay warm - never needed oxygen or anything like that....
I want so badly to help raise the awareness of this terrible disease. People don't understand. Some of my family members cannot understand why we won't have any more kids - they just don't get it - even after everything I went through.... For ****** first birthday party I asked our guests so please make donations to the Preeclampsia Foundation and many of them were like, "really?!?!". I want to help spread the news about it.
I would love to get together with you - but I understand if you would rather not. I can't imagine what you had to go through - and I know it must be hard to see someone with two healthy girls. My eyes are welling up with tears. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I just want to go hug my girls right now...
Well, let me know if you want to get together or we can chat through email. I would love to hear more about your story
I look forward to talking to you soon.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi,
I just read a few of your blogging entrys on your website. Some of what you wrote I feel the same way. Like about how me telling my story over & over again. I feel like people think ok that's enough already. Not a day goes by that I don't mention something about my daughter and or a thing that I remember her by. A store or something that I went into when I was pregnant or whatever the case may be I always find that I remmeber her in someway. I also see a lot of butterflies more so than I ever did and I like to think that's ***** around me. One day I came home from
somewhere and this butterfly was out near the car door and I walked up to the front door of my house and I swear the butterfly just was on my front door as ever so still but flapped its wings a few times and I couldn't help but go in and cry. It just said something to me. But I read a lot of your posts and things like that. My heart goes out to you & you
r husband & family. I can't imagine having to wait so long til May, but if you have to its possibly for the best. I hope you can try again in March, God Bless you. You're a beautiful bride by the way!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Believe me when I say this, that grief is not some... Believe me when I say this, that grief is not something you can attach a timeline to, especially when it comes to grieving the death of your child. I think six months is unreasonable for anyone to expect you to be "over it" and getting back to normal. Your life will never be normal again. You are and will forever be the mother of a dead baby. She will never grow up and you will spend the rest of your life wondering what she would look like, act like, be doing at a certain age. It's a heartbreaking journey, one I don't think you will ever heal from completely. Your circumstances were so traumatic and life threatening that not only will you need time to focus on healing your body, but it will also take a good deal of time and energy to heal your soul. Cara is beautiful. By keeping a blog and connecting with some of us mothers who have also lost our children, she won't be forgotten, I guarantee it. I can't think of any mama I've met through this community without also thinking of her precious child. Sending you hugs and wishes for gentle days...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi Laura, and Kyle. I don't really know what i am going to write, so if it comes out all incoherent and blurry, forgive me :)
Cara touched me, your story touched me, and i could not walk away from my computer and do my daily things without sending a message. I checked the blog, saw the beautiful video you made about Cara's story, Cara's life. I also read your blogs, and yea, shed a tear here and there, couldn't help it.
I too am the mom of an angel, **** also died in November, 2006 so its been longer ago.
I know this may not be what you want to hear, or completely true, but the sharing and the blog, i think it is amazing and strong. Cara is a beautiful baby girl, and the love shines from the blog and the pictures. Not just the love for your baby girl, but your love for each other, and your love for life. That is a precious thing to share with the world, so thank you for doing that. Hold on to that, even when it hurts.
I didn't learn to love life till i met my angel, his birth changed my life dramatically in more ways then one, but it did take me to where i am now, instead of seeing the world as a place that only brings dark things to my life, I see the world as a place that brought an angel to touch me so deeply I see light where i never saw it, feel love where i didn't allow that to touch me before, trust the path that i have to travel in a way i never dared before.
But sometimes, its easy to go down the dark lane and tears are close then smiles, those are the times I look around me and see other peoples stories, sometimes to make myself cry, because i am good in bottling up emotions and i need to let it out at times. So i went to your blog to cry, instead now i am crying and smiling at the same time, because your blog pointed me back to the road i wandered off from for a minute. You reminded me of how proud i am to have an angel in my life.
Thank you again, for sharing your story, I don't know you or how you heal, so i wont make a whole speech about that, it looks to me like you have found your path, and from what i have seen and read, you are very strong. There may be times where you cant be as strong or where you stray of the path you are traveling, If that ever happens, feel free to message me, ill be happy to try to help.
And.. don't let go of each other, the love i see on the pictures between you two shines so bright it is amazing to see, hold on to that.
Thank you for sharing your story, for touching me, and for making me see it's a nice spring morning i should be using to smile, walk out and see the nature blossom.
You and your Cara helped me to see that.
Lots of love, good thoughts and hugs are sent from Denmark to you,
*****
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