I got a email today asking me how I do it. This person who emailed me is having depression issues and here is what I wrote back. Maybe I see the world differently, like through a new set of eyes...(wait who am I kidding I do see it differently) Now I only share this because sometimes I seem to surprise myself when I write stuff and think "hmm this could help other women as well" So thought I would share.
*******, you cant feel angry at yourself. Everyone's problems are equal. I have learned that through my grief that no ones problems are less important. (Except the people who thrive from problems and make problems so others feel sorry for them...those people are a whole other story!) Depression is horrible. Its a feeling no one can understand. I dont suffer from depression, however I do suffer from PTSD and anxiety now. How do I deal? Day to day basis. I assess how Im feeling every day I wake up. Within the first few hours I know if its going to be a good day or bad day. I also have to say blogging has been so amazing to help lift my spirits. You should start a blog. About being a wife and a mother and about depression and what makes you feel depressed. You would be amazed at how many people feel the exact same way! Some of the women I have met through blogging are helping change my life. Its amazing! You just have to know that you are doing the best that you can and you are a wonderful women and when your down just think "It could be worse" Thats what I tell myself. Even from what I have been through...It could be worse. You can also look at the positives in your life. As for putting a smile on my face. You have to because you are the only person who can help you move on. You can't dwell on the past and or feel sorry for yourself. Its just not healthy. You have to focus on your future and what is going to be best for you in the future. Hope this helps you :)
Ok I am also going to add this as Im sitting here thinking...I have had so many people say things like "if I were you I couldnt go on" "I would be in a mental hospital" "How can you move on" Let me just first start off with saying. Shit its not easy...But SOMEONE has to do it. SOMEONE has to move on. SOMEONE has to find happiness again and that SOMEONE is me. Only me. No one else can do it. Dont get me wrong for the first 3 weeks I literally just sat and stared into space every day. I didnt want to do ANYTHING. I did not wear makeup for 6 weeks. I hated showering, doing my hair. I didnt even care to get a pedicure or manicure with my mom. I didnt want to cook (which I LOVE doing) I look back at that and Im so scared to ever go back to that place.
You know what I think every mother that has lost a child would benifit from? Just doing things. Getting out there and doing the things you normally did. Get your life back. Take a hold of it with both hands! If you dont...you will never heal. I know of a women who lost a child that has major problems, never recovered. I just can't let myself be that person. I look back at how I felt the first 2 months and I NEVER want to feel that way again. It STILL feels like a movie or a dream. But I need to move on, and things that are helping me are going to baby showers, holding a newborn, walking through the baby clothes section. I cant avoid them forever and the fact is your never "READY" to do that again. You just have to...or you might never do it.
The smile on my face is not fake 90% of the time. 90% of the time I truly am happy. Im happy I have my family. Im happy I have my husband, 2 doggies (even though I miss Charlie terribly) Im happy I have a job I can't wait to get up to every day! Im happy I have wonderful friends. Im so happy of all the women I have met through my experience and im so happy that my life is now forever changed. Im happy im alive. Im happy that I will be able to create another life. Im happy 90% of the time. 10% of the time im not, and thats OK. 10% of the time im pissed off at my old doctor (I cant even get started on that and trust me if I could I would and when the time is right I will) Im pissed off that I buried my daughter. Im sad that I know what it feels liek to hold a dead infant. Im sad I know what its like to almost loose my own life. 10% of the time Im just plain having a off day and yes I have to fake a smile. Only because I am not going to be "that" person who people tip toe around because Im sad. SO yes I fake it sometimes, but thats only normal. Well whatever normal is anymore...
Sunday, March 28, 2010
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6 comments:
You're so amazing! I have to say that every thought you have is like you're inside my mind, you're just a heck of a lot better at getting the words up!
Keep up the good work! I love when I see you have a new post!
Laura, your outlook is so amazing and so positive. I hope that it helps your friend that you are sending this to. You are right though...as hard as it is we have to focus on trying to get back to normal although we will never be just like we were. *hugs*
I think that is great how that person felt comfortable to ask you that question. I like how you told her there are other people who feel the same way so she knows she is not alone.
Laura, I think you are truly an inspiration to a lot of women...whether they have lost a child or not. As for me, since I have become aware of what you have been through, you have no idea how much it has changed me as a person. I am thankful and grateful for all the love that have in my life, for my amazing family, and wonderful friends. We all have bad days (for different reasons) but I choose to be positive and not let things bother me. I think it is amazing that you blog and share what you're feeling because trust me it is helping a lot of people!!! I'm proud that you are "trying" to be the person you were before this terrible tragedy...you may not be the exact same person but a better one!! Hugs!!!!
You are so right! I agree with everything you have said and it's so hard, but sometimes you just have to push through and see what you actually still do have. Great post! XO
laura, i am new to your blog, and i just wanted to say thank you for your honesty and sharing this note you sent.
i agree that blogging is a great help. it helps to not feel alone and to connect with other women who have experienced child lost, who have felt the same anger and heartache and depression and hopelessness, who have have found joy again. i glad that you have that 90%. it's a beautiful thing to see how far you've come from the beginning of the grief.
i think you're right about needing to do things and not just be swallowed up in the grief (though there is a time for that as well, we just can't linger there forever - as much i want to sometimes, though). i do think there is a point that we eventually reach when we are more "ready" to do things, like hold a newborn or go to a baby shower, in the sense that we are willing to do them things despite knowing that it could be painful. i think that the aching will always be there. but small steps forward.
i feel the same way about comments like "if i were you i couldn't go on." we survive because we have to. we move forward because it's the only way to honor our babies. and eventually we are able to find joy again.
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