Days can pass and I will have no anxiety at all. Other days are not so good. Today is a not so good day.
Earlier this week I was not feeling well and now I have no voice and a cough, so I took a run over to the urgent care. Glad I went because I do have Bronchitis, but it was so nerve wrecking because its basically like a hospital (its not like a walk in care, its actually an emergency care like a hospital). Now I kind wish I just waited to go to the regular doctors office. It bought back so many memories, seeing doctors and nurses, and machines. My blood pressure was fine of course but my heart rate was 135! I was so freggin nervous. I can't control it either (who would have ever thought to be nervous about cold/flu symptoms) Then I get the doctors who ask me about my medical history. So I had to say twice "I gave birth 2 months ago to my daughter and she was stillborn due to severe preeclampsia"(and shed a few tears when saying that) For people who already know what happened (for example my clients at work) its so much easier for me to talk about, any outsiders that I have to tell what happened to me is a horrible feeling! For example when I had to be readmitted to the hospital 5 days after I gave birth. The nurse at the ER said why are you here. I had to explain that I just gave birth and had hellp and preeclampsia. She said im sorry to hear that. How is your baby doing? Yah um dead I wanted to scream! So I KNOW (trust me I know) that people that dont know what happened to me its not their fault, but still hurts. 99.999 % of people im sure when they hear the statement "I just gave birth" will say oh wow congrats, and for so many of us congrats is the furtherst thing from what we want to hear...but people just dont know. I kinda want a sign to wear that says "My baby was stillborn. Dont ask me if I have children, dont ask me if this is my first pregnancy when im pregnant again, dont say things like oh just wait untill you have kids"
I hate the feeling of anxiety! When I have good days, I cant wait to get pregnant again! When I have days filled with anxiety I can't imagine being pregnant again. I just get anxiety thinking about what I have been through for only being 25 years old! I feel like my health is not as great as most 25 year olds because of what I went through as well. That scares me!
Last night I got to finally go out and have a good time. I drank too much, which ok I have not drank in basically a year!And if I did it was like 2 drinks or a glass of wine. So I dont know if I should be drinking on zoloft. I know that its said to "not be a good idea" I was fine, did not get sick or anything just have major anxiety today. Maybe drinking and zoloft just do not mix. Part of me would like to come off of it, but then I think 'well I am probably going to need it in my next pregnancy since I will more than likely be a basket case'
Anxiety and nerves go away dont come again any other day :)
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
This is not my life
A few seconds ago I walked by Caras little "shrine" we have in our loft. It is on my book shelf, and on the top shelf we have her picture (the one at the bottom of this page...its my favorite) a teddy bear that was given to us at her funeral, her footprints, a cross (that was mine when I was little...her Pappy wanted to bury her with it, I chose to keep it) and her ankle bracelet that Teddy wears. Well I walked by and looked at her picture. Most nights I tell her sweet dreams and smile (because she was so beautiful) Tonight I had to look away. These are the thoughts that filled my head?
*How did I get to 7.5 months only for her not to make it?
*How did this happen?
*This is not my life.
This is not my life. That goes through my head daily. I can't even begin to explain how it feels to every morning wake up and suddenly remember that I am no longer pregnant...that I lost my daughter...that I came so close to losing my own life. I feel like I was never fully aware of what was happening in the hospital.(because I was so sick and because I truly did not believe what was happening to me) I just wish I could see her one more time and love her the way I do now. When I was in the hospital I showed hardly any emotions. The emotions I remembered go like this...
When the doctor came in on November 16th at 11:40 am and told me that my baby had passed...
I remember thinking ok well when can I go home.
The sooner I can get out of here the sooner I can pretend this never happened.
Then after that I dont remember feeling anything. Just numb. No tears either. I kept thinking why cry its not going to change anything. One of the nurses called me "click" (from the movie with Adam Sandler...which I have never seen) she said all I did was want to fast forward my life. Well if you were me...you would too.
I remember not even thinking or caring how sick I was. I was on anti seziure medication, blood pressure medication, and antibiotics because I developed a high fever from having my baby inside of me.
I didnt ask how big my baby was going to be. I didnt ask to see her after she was born...I didnt ask to see her naked...I didnt ask to see her toes...her hair.
I remember being scared to hold her in fear she may break. (I cant explain what it was like to hold a infant that was not alive)
I remember the last time I held her that I did feel an overwhelming saddness of want of pain that this could not be happening to me.
I remember hallucinating, and losing vision to my left eye on numerous occasions.
I remember the feeling of going home and for the first few days just being scared because my mind no longer worked. I didnt care about my hair, my makeup, my nails, showering, nothing I just didnt care. It was also like I did not know how to take care of myself anymore.
I remember wondering when I finally was home if I was going to have a stroke or seziure.
I remember going to sleep and being scared I was not going to wake up.
I remember being PETRAFIED to be left alone. (Even when Kyle left for an hour I needed to take anxiety medication)
I remember trying not to talk about what I was scared about or tell anyone that I was not feelign good for fear that it would come true (I thought if I ignored it I would just get better)
I remember feeling sick and being admitted back into the hospital.
I remember not thinking I was going to make it out of this as I entered a room with the bed padded with sezire pads and numerous doctors and nurses.
I remember what it was like to be scared for my life for the first time ever.
It all seems like a movie, like something from a book I read or someone elses story. It is now my story. I dont really know how to go on with my day to day life or how I do. I just do. I take things hour by hour. I live each day as it comes and thats all I can do.
*How did I get to 7.5 months only for her not to make it?
*How did this happen?
*This is not my life.
This is not my life. That goes through my head daily. I can't even begin to explain how it feels to every morning wake up and suddenly remember that I am no longer pregnant...that I lost my daughter...that I came so close to losing my own life. I feel like I was never fully aware of what was happening in the hospital.(because I was so sick and because I truly did not believe what was happening to me) I just wish I could see her one more time and love her the way I do now. When I was in the hospital I showed hardly any emotions. The emotions I remembered go like this...
When the doctor came in on November 16th at 11:40 am and told me that my baby had passed...
I remember thinking ok well when can I go home.
The sooner I can get out of here the sooner I can pretend this never happened.
Then after that I dont remember feeling anything. Just numb. No tears either. I kept thinking why cry its not going to change anything. One of the nurses called me "click" (from the movie with Adam Sandler...which I have never seen) she said all I did was want to fast forward my life. Well if you were me...you would too.
I remember not even thinking or caring how sick I was. I was on anti seziure medication, blood pressure medication, and antibiotics because I developed a high fever from having my baby inside of me.
I didnt ask how big my baby was going to be. I didnt ask to see her after she was born...I didnt ask to see her naked...I didnt ask to see her toes...her hair.
I remember being scared to hold her in fear she may break. (I cant explain what it was like to hold a infant that was not alive)
I remember the last time I held her that I did feel an overwhelming saddness of want of pain that this could not be happening to me.
I remember hallucinating, and losing vision to my left eye on numerous occasions.
I remember the feeling of going home and for the first few days just being scared because my mind no longer worked. I didnt care about my hair, my makeup, my nails, showering, nothing I just didnt care. It was also like I did not know how to take care of myself anymore.
I remember wondering when I finally was home if I was going to have a stroke or seziure.
I remember going to sleep and being scared I was not going to wake up.
I remember being PETRAFIED to be left alone. (Even when Kyle left for an hour I needed to take anxiety medication)
I remember trying not to talk about what I was scared about or tell anyone that I was not feelign good for fear that it would come true (I thought if I ignored it I would just get better)
I remember feeling sick and being admitted back into the hospital.
I remember not thinking I was going to make it out of this as I entered a room with the bed padded with sezire pads and numerous doctors and nurses.
I remember what it was like to be scared for my life for the first time ever.
It all seems like a movie, like something from a book I read or someone elses story. It is now my story. I dont really know how to go on with my day to day life or how I do. I just do. I take things hour by hour. I live each day as it comes and thats all I can do.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Today I would have held you in my arms
Poems I wrote for today Cara
Today you would have taken a breath and wiggled your toe.
Today you would have bought a happiness, before we did not know.
Today you would have been pretty in pink.
Today you would have looked up at me with a wink.
Today you would have cried your first tears.
Today you would have the first day to the rest of your years.
Today you watch from above.
Today you can still feel Mommy and Daddy's love.
Today is a day of fear and pain.
Today is a day where we welcome the rain.
Today you tell us we do not have to cry.
Today you tell us is the day heaven sings you lullabies.
I am here, I watch your tears. I know you cannot see me but I am here...
Feel me in the sunny glow
Feel me in the bright white snow
Feel me in the sweet wet rain
Feel me as I try to ease your pain
I am here I watch your tears. I know you cannot see me, but I am here...
I am here to watch over you as you cry
I am here to listen as you ask God why
I am here to hold your hand when sleep
I am here to wipe your tears when you weap
I am here I watch your tears. I know you cannot see me, but I am here...
I will always be wherever you are
I will always shine for you when you look up to a star
I will always love you until you and I are near
But for now...
I am here I watch your tears. I know you cannot see me but I am here...
Today you would have taken a breath and wiggled your toe.
Today you would have bought a happiness, before we did not know.
Today you would have been pretty in pink.
Today you would have looked up at me with a wink.
Today you would have cried your first tears.
Today you would have the first day to the rest of your years.
Today you watch from above.
Today you can still feel Mommy and Daddy's love.
Today is a day of fear and pain.
Today is a day where we welcome the rain.
Today you tell us we do not have to cry.
Today you tell us is the day heaven sings you lullabies.
I am here, I watch your tears. I know you cannot see me but I am here...
Feel me in the sunny glow
Feel me in the bright white snow
Feel me in the sweet wet rain
Feel me as I try to ease your pain
I am here I watch your tears. I know you cannot see me, but I am here...
I am here to watch over you as you cry
I am here to listen as you ask God why
I am here to hold your hand when sleep
I am here to wipe your tears when you weap
I am here I watch your tears. I know you cannot see me, but I am here...
I will always be wherever you are
I will always shine for you when you look up to a star
I will always love you until you and I are near
But for now...
I am here I watch your tears. I know you cannot see me but I am here...
Friday, January 22, 2010
Blood test results!
Today my anxiety level is a bit higher. Today I got my blood test results back. My new MFM called me and I was told that I tested positive for Factor V Leiden. Its not uncommon, but it is a blood clotting disorder. I have one copy of the gene which means either my mom or dad also has it. It is not a cause for major concern. If you have it you should just be on asprin daily (which I am). This disease can cause Blood clots, which can lead to pulminary embolisms. So its soemthing to be aware of! I can never be on birth control pills as it raises my risk for clots. I cannot smoke (which I dont smoking is gross). I need to be careful if I am on bed rest after any type of surgery. This also probably contributed to my risk of getting preeclampsia. I will be at higher risk for preeclampsi next pregnancy because of this disorder. Hopefully that will not matter since I will be monitored so closely! Many women with this condition have healthy happy babies!
I also tested positive for Antinuclear antibodies, I am only borderline for this (1:40), so they really are not concerned. My mom has prenicious anemia which is a very rare disease of the blood which is a antinuclear antibody. So I am going to be asked to tested for that. (It can be genetic). I want to make sure I cover all my bases here!
So thats my news for today. Its not really bad news because it does not change anything in my life really, there is no special medication to take. Its more that I just need to be aware that I have it. Its also not good news, because that gives me one more thing that can add to me possibly having preeclampsia agagain! All I have here is hope :)
I also tested positive for Antinuclear antibodies, I am only borderline for this (1:40), so they really are not concerned. My mom has prenicious anemia which is a very rare disease of the blood which is a antinuclear antibody. So I am going to be asked to tested for that. (It can be genetic). I want to make sure I cover all my bases here!
So thats my news for today. Its not really bad news because it does not change anything in my life really, there is no special medication to take. Its more that I just need to be aware that I have it. Its also not good news, because that gives me one more thing that can add to me possibly having preeclampsia agagain! All I have here is hope :)
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
The wind of heaven is that which blows between a horse's ears.
As most of you know this is the week that Cara was due. This week more than ever I am looking for signs of her...anything. This week more than ever I am sad and I also have some anxiety again that comes out of nowhere.
Every morning on my way to work I always pass this barn and there are always horses outside grazing. This morning as I got close to the barn I saw four horses in a line three black and one white one... running. It was so beautiful. It was like a scene from a movie. I like to think that was my first sign of Cara, and like to hope there are many more to come!
Every morning on my way to work I always pass this barn and there are always horses outside grazing. This morning as I got close to the barn I saw four horses in a line three black and one white one... running. It was so beautiful. It was like a scene from a movie. I like to think that was my first sign of Cara, and like to hope there are many more to come!
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Genetic Counsling
Well I had my genetic counsling appointment today. Alot of information...however...it was nothing I did not already know. I feel confident in saying that because for over a month now I have been doing extensive research on Preeclampsia and Hellp...Not to mention I read through ALL of my medical records from my pregnancy with a fine tooth comb! I really think I should get my PHD now please...and if not that at least the starring roll on Greys Anatomy! :)
Basically this doctor just talked to me about all the medication I am on and what I can and cannot be on during my next pregnancy. Eveything that I am on I can continue taking throughout my next pregnancy. Zoloft can pose risks to the baby but they are small percents that anything would happen. The problem that I have with that is that my chances of getting preeclampsia were around 5-8%...well I fell in that %. So really percentages and studies that have been done means NOTHING to me. Everyone is very different. If there is a 99% chance I will not have a baby with problems from being on zoloft...there also is a 1% chance I will. So he told me that its my personal choice if I would like to stay on it. As for now I think I will wait to see how I am doing in April. I do however think that me being on zoloft will help me not have a major freak out during my next pregnancy.
Another thing we discussed is if I should stay on cholesterol medication while being pregnant. The benefit of being on it may outweigh the risks. I have always learned from every doctor I have seen since I was 17 for my high cholesterol, that high cholesterol medications are a no no during pregnancy. The genetic counsler is going to try to pull more stats and research and discuss with my new MFM before they let me know what they think will be best for me. My family does have a history of heart disease on both sides, so I just need to be careful.
EVERYONE READING THIS IF YOU HAVE NEVER HAD YOUR CHOLESTEROL CHECKED...DO IT! 1 OUT OF 5 AMERICANS HAVE UNTREATED HIGH CHOLESTEROL. NO THERE IS NO SYMPTOMS EVER UNTILL DAMAGE IS DONE. SO VERY GOOD TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE IT TO PREVENT HEART ATTACK OR CLOGGED ARTERIES IN YOUR FURTURE! Just because you "feel fine" and are otherwise healthy means NOTHING. I am a 25 years old 127 pounds, work out and eat healthy and my cholesterol readings off medication hover in the 400's!! Just like high blood pressure..silent killer! KNOW YOUR HEALTH PEOPLE! Ok im done preaching for today :)
Basically this doctor just talked to me about all the medication I am on and what I can and cannot be on during my next pregnancy. Eveything that I am on I can continue taking throughout my next pregnancy. Zoloft can pose risks to the baby but they are small percents that anything would happen. The problem that I have with that is that my chances of getting preeclampsia were around 5-8%...well I fell in that %. So really percentages and studies that have been done means NOTHING to me. Everyone is very different. If there is a 99% chance I will not have a baby with problems from being on zoloft...there also is a 1% chance I will. So he told me that its my personal choice if I would like to stay on it. As for now I think I will wait to see how I am doing in April. I do however think that me being on zoloft will help me not have a major freak out during my next pregnancy.
Another thing we discussed is if I should stay on cholesterol medication while being pregnant. The benefit of being on it may outweigh the risks. I have always learned from every doctor I have seen since I was 17 for my high cholesterol, that high cholesterol medications are a no no during pregnancy. The genetic counsler is going to try to pull more stats and research and discuss with my new MFM before they let me know what they think will be best for me. My family does have a history of heart disease on both sides, so I just need to be careful.
EVERYONE READING THIS IF YOU HAVE NEVER HAD YOUR CHOLESTEROL CHECKED...DO IT! 1 OUT OF 5 AMERICANS HAVE UNTREATED HIGH CHOLESTEROL. NO THERE IS NO SYMPTOMS EVER UNTILL DAMAGE IS DONE. SO VERY GOOD TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE IT TO PREVENT HEART ATTACK OR CLOGGED ARTERIES IN YOUR FURTURE! Just because you "feel fine" and are otherwise healthy means NOTHING. I am a 25 years old 127 pounds, work out and eat healthy and my cholesterol readings off medication hover in the 400's!! Just like high blood pressure..silent killer! KNOW YOUR HEALTH PEOPLE! Ok im done preaching for today :)
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Poems I have written
Well I used to write. ALOT. I have a binder of poems and short stories I have written. I stopped writing when I got into college. I do not know why. Some of these poems I wrote as early as 7th grade. Some of these poems describe my life now. (Ironically)
Purpose
You are my purpose
To walk through a cool fall breeze and to see you in the air, remember please
You are my purpose
To day dream every second about your smile
I would give anything to hold you for a while
You are my purpose
To sit and wonder if you will always stay
To love you so much in every way
You are my purpose
You are my cool fall breeze
You are my air
You are my dream
You are my wonder
You are my strength
You are my purpose
Angel
There is a bright light
Down comes an angel
With its wings and arms spread open
It takes me up to the light and lays me down on a fluffy white
The cloud starts to move and spin
I am gone with an angel in the wind
In the high up wave of the sky is where you will find me
with an angel
Purpose
You are my purpose
To walk through a cool fall breeze and to see you in the air, remember please
You are my purpose
To day dream every second about your smile
I would give anything to hold you for a while
You are my purpose
To sit and wonder if you will always stay
To love you so much in every way
You are my purpose
You are my cool fall breeze
You are my air
You are my dream
You are my wonder
You are my strength
You are my purpose
Angel
There is a bright light
Down comes an angel
With its wings and arms spread open
It takes me up to the light and lays me down on a fluffy white
The cloud starts to move and spin
I am gone with an angel in the wind
In the high up wave of the sky is where you will find me
with an angel
Baby Fever
Today I have bad baby fever :( I seriously do not know if I can wait untill May...Possibly March...but May? Thats soo long away! I do feel that I am emotionally ready. I know that sounds crazy, but I have found some peace with what happened to our Cara. The way I see it is no matter how many tears I cry, no matter how angry I am and no matter what happens now, nothing NOTHING can change what happened to her. She was just too perfect for earth, and God has bigger better plans for her. I truly believe that! It gives me comfort knowing I have an angel above looking down on me. It makes me sad but in some weird way gives me comfort.
So many things are so ironic like my middle name which is my mothers maiden name Angel. I always knew that if I had a little girl she would be given the same middle name, and she was. I wanted to start a tradition, but I really believe that Angel was reserved for Cara and Cara only. The tradition was started with me and died with her. Only Cara has a reason for that name. If I have another little girl she will have a different middle name. When I was 16 years old I got the name Angel tattoo'd on my back, now I truly know there was a reason for that.
I purchased a charm bracelet. It was a lot of money (it's real white gold) I have attached a heart engraved with her name and birthdate, a angel, and am currently deciding on weather or not to add a teddy bear (like the one she was burried with) or footprints. I never take that bracelet off, and I am very attached to it, so quickly.
I wanted to get something off my chest as well. I know that sometimes when I talk about what happened to me and my daughter, its too hard for people. I have had people say to me "the world stillborn can put someone off or upset them" or "no dont put her picture up, it could upset people or be too hard for them" UM HELLO! How do you think I feel? I do not want her to ever be forgotten, and I would put her pictures all over my station at work if I could! The word stillborn is a tough word however its LIFE. It is what happened to me, its my life! People need to know that this is what happened and now I have to live with this pain for the rest of my life. So yes I understand it may be hard for people to hear her story or see her picture, but to me its the story of my daughters short time on this earth and her story needs to be shared. If its too hard dont listen, if its too hard, dont look, if its too hard...thats life. Life is hard, it is important for people to know that this can happen, it can happen to you...to your daughter, to your friend. Never in ten million years did I ever think I would be the mother of an angel baby. Never in a million years did I think that this would happen to me...that I would have to tell this story or that I would be "that person"...but it did. I AM the mother of an angel baby! This DID happen to me! I DO tell this story, and its unfortunate but I AM that person. I AM!
So many things are so ironic like my middle name which is my mothers maiden name Angel. I always knew that if I had a little girl she would be given the same middle name, and she was. I wanted to start a tradition, but I really believe that Angel was reserved for Cara and Cara only. The tradition was started with me and died with her. Only Cara has a reason for that name. If I have another little girl she will have a different middle name. When I was 16 years old I got the name Angel tattoo'd on my back, now I truly know there was a reason for that.
I purchased a charm bracelet. It was a lot of money (it's real white gold) I have attached a heart engraved with her name and birthdate, a angel, and am currently deciding on weather or not to add a teddy bear (like the one she was burried with) or footprints. I never take that bracelet off, and I am very attached to it, so quickly.
I wanted to get something off my chest as well. I know that sometimes when I talk about what happened to me and my daughter, its too hard for people. I have had people say to me "the world stillborn can put someone off or upset them" or "no dont put her picture up, it could upset people or be too hard for them" UM HELLO! How do you think I feel? I do not want her to ever be forgotten, and I would put her pictures all over my station at work if I could! The word stillborn is a tough word however its LIFE. It is what happened to me, its my life! People need to know that this is what happened and now I have to live with this pain for the rest of my life. So yes I understand it may be hard for people to hear her story or see her picture, but to me its the story of my daughters short time on this earth and her story needs to be shared. If its too hard dont listen, if its too hard, dont look, if its too hard...thats life. Life is hard, it is important for people to know that this can happen, it can happen to you...to your daughter, to your friend. Never in ten million years did I ever think I would be the mother of an angel baby. Never in a million years did I think that this would happen to me...that I would have to tell this story or that I would be "that person"...but it did. I AM the mother of an angel baby! This DID happen to me! I DO tell this story, and its unfortunate but I AM that person. I AM!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Comes and goes
It comes and goes...My sadness. I have good days and bad days. Every day I cannnot explain what it is like to wake up and just think...wow this is my life...or...WOW this really did happen. I feel like such a debbie downer all the time. I try to be happy a lot because I know it is so hard for people to hear my story, I almost feel like sometimes people get sick of hearing me talk about it, which I am sure is not the case, but just a thought in a my mind. I know no one likes to hear about the sad things in life, but its life and unfortunately now this is what happened in my life. Im dont cry much, when I do I like to be alone and I dont like hugs much either...makes me sadder (dont care if its not a word...it is in my book). Its hard to cry though because I start to and then I realize crying does nothing...nothing will take back what happened, and crying does not help. I almost feel like I am feeling sorry for myself, and then that makes me mad. I will never get to hold her again...(at least not until heaven time) She crosses my mind about every 3 seconds.
I want to constantly look at her pictures, its like I may forget what she looks like. Its this crazy urge I have to look at her pictures now. She is actually now, the screen saver on my phone, because im afraid ill forget or something crazy like that. I would give anything to touch her one more time. I dont even remember kissing her...to be honest I dont even think I did. I know this may sound crazy but I wish I could go back to that day so I can not be sick and actually remember her. All I remember is how cold she felt at her funeral when I touched her forehead. She felt like a doll and looked like one too. I wish I could remember more of her when I was in the hospital.
I just keep thinking how did this happen to me? I try to be such a good loving person, I always think of others before my self, so why did this happen to someone like me? I was in the best shape of my life before I got pregnant. I ate good, was healthy, how did this happen?
Another thing that bugs me is that Im looking for a sign of her...anything, a butterfly, a cloud shaped in a heart...I want to feel her around me, and I dont, all I feel is an empty void. I honestly dont know if that void can ever be filled.
I go for my blood work tomorrow morning to make sure I do not have any underlying diseases, im nervous that they may find something, but at the same time...if they do at least I would know why I got this disease. I still experience these CRAZY ass, vivid in color dreams, and visual problems. When you have high blood pressure as high as mine was you start to have "visual disturbances" Flashes, sparks, blurry vision or loss of vision(due to swelling of the brain) I had all of those in the hospital and was to a point where I could not even see numbers on my cell phone or the nurse that stood in front of me. I still have some visual disturbances here and there. This morning I had a flashing spot. Its always on my left eye (not near as bad or anything like I experienced when I was sick thank god). It was a round circle and it flashed, it was small. The ones I experienced in the hosiptal were like lightening bolts that really took a toll on my vision. Right before I got discharged the first time I had one so bad I had to call a nurse in a few different times. I was afraid I was going blind!! Scary stuff! If it continues for another month I think I may see an eye doc. I did tons of research on the effects of preeclampsia on your body after delivery.(some women experience vision loss that is never corrected and some women have to go through eye surgerys!) Sometimes your retnia can start to detach from your eye and that is the cause for a visual disturbance. Well I for sure do not want that to happen, so like I said if it continues I will see a doctor!
I want to constantly look at her pictures, its like I may forget what she looks like. Its this crazy urge I have to look at her pictures now. She is actually now, the screen saver on my phone, because im afraid ill forget or something crazy like that. I would give anything to touch her one more time. I dont even remember kissing her...to be honest I dont even think I did. I know this may sound crazy but I wish I could go back to that day so I can not be sick and actually remember her. All I remember is how cold she felt at her funeral when I touched her forehead. She felt like a doll and looked like one too. I wish I could remember more of her when I was in the hospital.
I just keep thinking how did this happen to me? I try to be such a good loving person, I always think of others before my self, so why did this happen to someone like me? I was in the best shape of my life before I got pregnant. I ate good, was healthy, how did this happen?
Another thing that bugs me is that Im looking for a sign of her...anything, a butterfly, a cloud shaped in a heart...I want to feel her around me, and I dont, all I feel is an empty void. I honestly dont know if that void can ever be filled.
I go for my blood work tomorrow morning to make sure I do not have any underlying diseases, im nervous that they may find something, but at the same time...if they do at least I would know why I got this disease. I still experience these CRAZY ass, vivid in color dreams, and visual problems. When you have high blood pressure as high as mine was you start to have "visual disturbances" Flashes, sparks, blurry vision or loss of vision(due to swelling of the brain) I had all of those in the hospital and was to a point where I could not even see numbers on my cell phone or the nurse that stood in front of me. I still have some visual disturbances here and there. This morning I had a flashing spot. Its always on my left eye (not near as bad or anything like I experienced when I was sick thank god). It was a round circle and it flashed, it was small. The ones I experienced in the hosiptal were like lightening bolts that really took a toll on my vision. Right before I got discharged the first time I had one so bad I had to call a nurse in a few different times. I was afraid I was going blind!! Scary stuff! If it continues for another month I think I may see an eye doc. I did tons of research on the effects of preeclampsia on your body after delivery.(some women experience vision loss that is never corrected and some women have to go through eye surgerys!) Sometimes your retnia can start to detach from your eye and that is the cause for a visual disturbance. Well I for sure do not want that to happen, so like I said if it continues I will see a doctor!
Monday, January 11, 2010
**Quotes**
"Anyone else can give up. Its the easiest thing to do...but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fall...thats true strength"
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." - Elizabeth Kubler Ross
"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing... this, tell me how. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday. Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young." The Sunscreen song
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think; but the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you." ~ Winnie the Pooh
"Happiness comes only from appreciating what you have right now. You can even be happy by appreciating your troubles because they are helping to build your character"- Harriet Meyerson
"Just because today may be the most terrible you have ever had, doesn't mean tomorrow wont be the absolute best, you just have to make it there..."
"When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future."
"When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay but rather, that you know you must find a way to keep growing and living-even if you don't feel like it...[Don't let] grief be your constant companion...Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end... Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal."
First MFM visit
Get comfy for this one...
First things first...let me just clarify what some things stand for
MFM- Maternal Fetal Medicine
TTC- Trying to conceive
So today I met with my new Maternal Fetal Medicine doc (High risk ob) We loved him! He reviewed my charts and not to my surprise I not only had Severe Preeclampsia, I also was told I had HELLP syndrome. Here is a quick overview of the definitions HELLP and Severe Preeclampsia. He also told me I could write the book of preeclampsia for I had every symptom known to man. (He also could not understand why nothing was done when I came into my doctor with major red flags...wow...shocking {insert scarcasm})
HELLP syndrome: A syndrome featuring a combination of "H" for hemolysis (the breakdown of red blood cells), "EL" for elevated liver enzymes, and "LP" for low platelet count (an essential blood clotting element).
The HELLP syndrome is a recognized complication of preeclampsia and eclampsia (toxemia) of pregnancy, occurring in 25% of these pregnancies.
Common symptoms in women with the HELLP syndrome include a general feeling of feeling unwell, nausea and/or vomiting, and pain in the upper abdomen. Increased fluid in the tissues (edema) is also frequent. Protein is measurable in the urine of most women with the HELLP syndrome. Blood pressure may be elevated. Occasionally, coma can result from seriously low blood sugar (hypoglycemia). After delivery, the mother's status is monitored closely. The HELLP syndrome can be complicated by liver rupture, anemia, bleeding, and death.
Preeclampsia is a disorder of pregnancy that is characterized by hypertension (high blood pressure) and proteinuria (excessive protein in the urine); often including edema (swelling) and occasionally involving thrombocytopenia (low platelets) or liver function abnormalities.
That being said, as of now we are trying to determine if I have any other underlying conditions. (I believe that I don't, the new doctor is saying lets just assume you do as of now)I go tomorrow after work for a blood panel to determine if I have any autoimmune disorders. I know hereditary high cholesterol could be a indicator of why I got this disease, and next tuesday I will be seeing a genetic counsler to discuss all of my cholesterol issues as well as all the different medications I am now on. (Did I mention genetic counsling is NOT covered by my insurance...booooooo)
So lets discuss my cholesterol here. My current cholesterol is...(dont fall off your chairs here) 572. HDL (Which is the good cholesterol that is supposed to be in the 50's) is at 46 (which is not bad at all) My Triglycerides are 210 (a little high, being that they are supposed to be under 150) My LDL-(Which is the bad artery clogging stuff) is 484!! Now keep in mind this is OFF medication and 3 weeks after I delivered so it would have been high anyways from pregnancy. My normal total cholesterol off medication normally hovers around 400's...which is still horrible, but on medication it is always under control. However you cannot take any cholesterol medication while being pregnant. So because my cholesterol is so high and it is hereditary that is why I am seeing a genetic counselor.
High cholesterol is something that will effect your heart over time. Being pregnant is only for 9 months so being off medication for a year or so in the long run does not make much difference in your overall being. (This was how it was explained to me) I am at lower risk for heart attack or stroke because I am a healthy weight, I eat right (yes Kirsten I cut out cheese, sour cream and in the process of cutting out yogurt;) and because I do not smoke or have another other diseases. So really being off my medication from june un till I have another child is not going to affect me, however because of how sick I was and all the extra strain on my heart (my high blood pressure while pregnant) they have me back on cholesterol medication un till May and I will have it tested in Feb and and of April.
So lets move on and discuss the fact that I did get the ok to try again. YAYYYY! Many women have had normal healthy pregnancy's after pregnancy's with Severe PE and or HELLP. However many women went on to experience the same tragic outcomes again. I am aware of that and can only hope for the best. I do feel that if I do not try again, I will never know if I was able to have a healthy child. So it is very important for me to try again. I do however have to wait un till May (booooo) But that's ok! It will give Kyle and I a chance to make a dent is all of these medical bills we now owe. The doctor said I have a 30% chance of this happening again. He said its up to me and only I REALLY know my body (hell, when I get pregnant again if I have a hangnail I am rushing myself to the ER ha!) Im going to really watch my body for similar symptoms and not feeling right. The way it was explained to me was that I will see him (My high risk) and my regular OB during my next pregnancy. 9 weeks I will have a date ultrasound to show when my actual due date is. 13 weeks I have another then at 20weeks and then again at 24. After that it is all based on how my body is doing, if we see symptoms of preeclampsia rising again I will be in basically weekly for 24 hour urine tests to check for protein as well as ultra sounds to check the well being of the baby. I am going to make milestones for myself so after 24 weeks I want to get to 28, once I am at 28, I want to make it to 32...Once our baby hits 28 weeks there is around a 85% chance of survival. Once the baby hits 32 its about 95. I just REALLY hope to make it to 32. He also did tell me that nothing could go wrong and I will make it to 39 (they will not let me go to 40.) So it all just depends on my body.
There is NO way to prevent or stop preeclampsia. There is no magic drug, or special doctor. Once I start symptoms, its a hour by hour decision on what happens next. He said I may have to cut back my hours at work after 24 weeks and will have to stop working all together if I show signs of Preeclampsia (but I believe since I did not show signs un till 26 weeks, that next time IF they come back...It will not be un till 26 or 28.)
I am so looking forward to trying in May!
As a wrap up let me tell you what I will now be taking medication wise ...(grab some popcorn it may be a while ha!)
I call this my daily cocktail...while it used to be clear with ice cubes, tonic and limes in it, it is now just in a pill form I tell myself.
**Prenatal Vitamin- Daily now throughout next pregnancy
**Fish Oil- (for a healthy heart) 1000 mg- 3times a day now and for the rest of my life
**Hydrochlorthizide- (Hydrochlorothiazide is a diuretic water pill) that helps prevent your body from fluid retention & to treat high blood pressure)- 25mg Daily now throughout my next pregnancy (YES its safe to take during pregnancy!) He is keeping me on it because why even chance my blood pressure going up in my next pregnancy, this drug may help keep it at bay...if not we add another.
**C- (boosts energy, enhances the immune system, and acts as an antioxidant. May help prevent heart disease, high blood pressure.) Daily for the rest of my life 200mg.
**Baby Asprin (to help keep blood thin) 81mg Daily for the rest of my life
**Simvastatin (Cholesterol lowering drug) 40mg Daily for the rest of my life
**Zoloft (due to my major anxiety now) 50 mg Daily for now
Keeping a positive mind and spirit!
First things first...let me just clarify what some things stand for
MFM- Maternal Fetal Medicine
TTC- Trying to conceive
So today I met with my new Maternal Fetal Medicine doc (High risk ob) We loved him! He reviewed my charts and not to my surprise I not only had Severe Preeclampsia, I also was told I had HELLP syndrome. Here is a quick overview of the definitions HELLP and Severe Preeclampsia. He also told me I could write the book of preeclampsia for I had every symptom known to man. (He also could not understand why nothing was done when I came into my doctor with major red flags...wow...shocking {insert scarcasm})
HELLP syndrome: A syndrome featuring a combination of "H" for hemolysis (the breakdown of red blood cells), "EL" for elevated liver enzymes, and "LP" for low platelet count (an essential blood clotting element).
The HELLP syndrome is a recognized complication of preeclampsia and eclampsia (toxemia) of pregnancy, occurring in 25% of these pregnancies.
Common symptoms in women with the HELLP syndrome include a general feeling of feeling unwell, nausea and/or vomiting, and pain in the upper abdomen. Increased fluid in the tissues (edema) is also frequent. Protein is measurable in the urine of most women with the HELLP syndrome. Blood pressure may be elevated. Occasionally, coma can result from seriously low blood sugar (hypoglycemia). After delivery, the mother's status is monitored closely. The HELLP syndrome can be complicated by liver rupture, anemia, bleeding, and death.
Preeclampsia is a disorder of pregnancy that is characterized by hypertension (high blood pressure) and proteinuria (excessive protein in the urine); often including edema (swelling) and occasionally involving thrombocytopenia (low platelets) or liver function abnormalities.
That being said, as of now we are trying to determine if I have any other underlying conditions. (I believe that I don't, the new doctor is saying lets just assume you do as of now)I go tomorrow after work for a blood panel to determine if I have any autoimmune disorders. I know hereditary high cholesterol could be a indicator of why I got this disease, and next tuesday I will be seeing a genetic counsler to discuss all of my cholesterol issues as well as all the different medications I am now on. (Did I mention genetic counsling is NOT covered by my insurance...booooooo)
So lets discuss my cholesterol here. My current cholesterol is...(dont fall off your chairs here) 572. HDL (Which is the good cholesterol that is supposed to be in the 50's) is at 46 (which is not bad at all) My Triglycerides are 210 (a little high, being that they are supposed to be under 150) My LDL-(Which is the bad artery clogging stuff) is 484!! Now keep in mind this is OFF medication and 3 weeks after I delivered so it would have been high anyways from pregnancy. My normal total cholesterol off medication normally hovers around 400's...which is still horrible, but on medication it is always under control. However you cannot take any cholesterol medication while being pregnant. So because my cholesterol is so high and it is hereditary that is why I am seeing a genetic counselor.
High cholesterol is something that will effect your heart over time. Being pregnant is only for 9 months so being off medication for a year or so in the long run does not make much difference in your overall being. (This was how it was explained to me) I am at lower risk for heart attack or stroke because I am a healthy weight, I eat right (yes Kirsten I cut out cheese, sour cream and in the process of cutting out yogurt;) and because I do not smoke or have another other diseases. So really being off my medication from june un till I have another child is not going to affect me, however because of how sick I was and all the extra strain on my heart (my high blood pressure while pregnant) they have me back on cholesterol medication un till May and I will have it tested in Feb and and of April.
So lets move on and discuss the fact that I did get the ok to try again. YAYYYY! Many women have had normal healthy pregnancy's after pregnancy's with Severe PE and or HELLP. However many women went on to experience the same tragic outcomes again. I am aware of that and can only hope for the best. I do feel that if I do not try again, I will never know if I was able to have a healthy child. So it is very important for me to try again. I do however have to wait un till May (booooo) But that's ok! It will give Kyle and I a chance to make a dent is all of these medical bills we now owe. The doctor said I have a 30% chance of this happening again. He said its up to me and only I REALLY know my body (hell, when I get pregnant again if I have a hangnail I am rushing myself to the ER ha!) Im going to really watch my body for similar symptoms and not feeling right. The way it was explained to me was that I will see him (My high risk) and my regular OB during my next pregnancy. 9 weeks I will have a date ultrasound to show when my actual due date is. 13 weeks I have another then at 20weeks and then again at 24. After that it is all based on how my body is doing, if we see symptoms of preeclampsia rising again I will be in basically weekly for 24 hour urine tests to check for protein as well as ultra sounds to check the well being of the baby. I am going to make milestones for myself so after 24 weeks I want to get to 28, once I am at 28, I want to make it to 32...Once our baby hits 28 weeks there is around a 85% chance of survival. Once the baby hits 32 its about 95. I just REALLY hope to make it to 32. He also did tell me that nothing could go wrong and I will make it to 39 (they will not let me go to 40.) So it all just depends on my body.
There is NO way to prevent or stop preeclampsia. There is no magic drug, or special doctor. Once I start symptoms, its a hour by hour decision on what happens next. He said I may have to cut back my hours at work after 24 weeks and will have to stop working all together if I show signs of Preeclampsia (but I believe since I did not show signs un till 26 weeks, that next time IF they come back...It will not be un till 26 or 28.)
I am so looking forward to trying in May!
As a wrap up let me tell you what I will now be taking medication wise ...(grab some popcorn it may be a while ha!)
I call this my daily cocktail...while it used to be clear with ice cubes, tonic and limes in it, it is now just in a pill form I tell myself.
**Prenatal Vitamin- Daily now throughout next pregnancy
**Fish Oil- (for a healthy heart) 1000 mg- 3times a day now and for the rest of my life
**Hydrochlorthizide- (Hydrochlorothiazide is a diuretic water pill) that helps prevent your body from fluid retention & to treat high blood pressure)- 25mg Daily now throughout my next pregnancy (YES its safe to take during pregnancy!) He is keeping me on it because why even chance my blood pressure going up in my next pregnancy, this drug may help keep it at bay...if not we add another.
**C- (boosts energy, enhances the immune system, and acts as an antioxidant. May help prevent heart disease, high blood pressure.) Daily for the rest of my life 200mg.
**Baby Asprin (to help keep blood thin) 81mg Daily for the rest of my life
**Simvastatin (Cholesterol lowering drug) 40mg Daily for the rest of my life
**Zoloft (due to my major anxiety now) 50 mg Daily for now
Keeping a positive mind and spirit!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Feelings
Today I am overcome with desperate feelings. I am desperate to be a mom. I really want a child to hold. From everything I read and the support groups we attend, this is a normal feeling of want after the loss of a child. I just gave birth, pushed, was in pain, had contractions, the whole 9 yards and I have nothing now to show for it. Most people I pass on the street, in the gym, at the store will never know I have/had a baby. When I go to target grocery shopping and see all the moms with their strollers, its hard...not hard to see, but I so badly wanna just scream "Hey im a mom too!, I gave birth to my daughter 2 months ago!" But I cant. Someone made a comment the other day. I was holding my dear friends baby touching his toes and fingers and just in awe...and they said "You can totally tell who does not have kids." Now I KNOW that she did not know what happened with me, and she didnt know any better. Of course I know that...and im not mad...but that hurt. Some things that people say now hurt so bad and I know they do not realize it. I will never ask anyone "So do you have any kids" Hey im a hair stylist I myself used to ask that question ALL the time...but now never again...you NEVER know what someone went/is going through.
On another happy note...I have to say that I have THE BEST family ever...not just mom and dad and brother, uncles and aunts as well. They are constantly there for me. My brother and Uncle John never left my side when I was in the hospital. My Godmother also came to visit me and was there to put ice rags on me! It is such a great feeling knowing that these people will always be there. My inlaws are great as well. They were there to hold Cara and were there for support for my husband and I. My mom never left my side at the hospital, she slept there for a week straight (to be honest I was too scared to be alone after how sick I was) My dad was also there every day! When I was on the Mag (horrible drug) and just lay there flat all day long with no lights on (because I was having vision problems and HORRIFIC headaches) with no TV on...everyone just sit there with me. AMAZING people! It must have been hard for my family to even see ME like that! Scary im sure! I got an email from one of my uncles and he said "We just need to have faith in God and our family and friends and learn from every experience that we are given in life even when that experience is death."
I also wanna say I have the greatest friends ever. My best friend Ashley wanted to fly up to be with me for crying out loud! My good friend Stephanie came to visit me in the hospital before I delivered. The people I work with/for (who I do not even call friends, they are just at this point...better than friends...like family) were constantly in touch with me...every single one. Through email, phone calls, through my family and they were always concerned about me. It makes me feel so good knowing how many people really care. I do feel bad sometimes because I am at work most of the time and what happened to me and my story comes up a lot, daily infact with clients and just in general, and I know for some people it can get very hard to hear time and time again, let alone emotional. But I know everyone understands.
On another happy note...I have to say that I have THE BEST family ever...not just mom and dad and brother, uncles and aunts as well. They are constantly there for me. My brother and Uncle John never left my side when I was in the hospital. My Godmother also came to visit me and was there to put ice rags on me! It is such a great feeling knowing that these people will always be there. My inlaws are great as well. They were there to hold Cara and were there for support for my husband and I. My mom never left my side at the hospital, she slept there for a week straight (to be honest I was too scared to be alone after how sick I was) My dad was also there every day! When I was on the Mag (horrible drug) and just lay there flat all day long with no lights on (because I was having vision problems and HORRIFIC headaches) with no TV on...everyone just sit there with me. AMAZING people! It must have been hard for my family to even see ME like that! Scary im sure! I got an email from one of my uncles and he said "We just need to have faith in God and our family and friends and learn from every experience that we are given in life even when that experience is death."
I also wanna say I have the greatest friends ever. My best friend Ashley wanted to fly up to be with me for crying out loud! My good friend Stephanie came to visit me in the hospital before I delivered. The people I work with/for (who I do not even call friends, they are just at this point...better than friends...like family) were constantly in touch with me...every single one. Through email, phone calls, through my family and they were always concerned about me. It makes me feel so good knowing how many people really care. I do feel bad sometimes because I am at work most of the time and what happened to me and my story comes up a lot, daily infact with clients and just in general, and I know for some people it can get very hard to hear time and time again, let alone emotional. But I know everyone understands.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
*~Poems~*
"The world may never notice
If a Snowdrop doesn't bloom,
Or even pause to wonder
If the petals fall too soon.
But every life that ever forms,
Or ever comes to be,
Touches the world in some small way
For all eternity.
The little one we long for
Was swiftly here and gone.
But the love that was then planted
Is a light that still shines on.
And though our arms are empty,
Our hearts know what to do.
Every beating of our hearts
Says that we do love you."
-------------------------
We thought of you with love today
But that is nothing new.
We thought about you yesterday
And days before that too.
We think of you in silence
And we often speak your name.
Now all we have is memories
And your picture in a frame.
Your memory is our keepsake
Which we'll never part.
God has you in his keeping
We have you in our hearts.
--------------------------
"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."
--------------------------------------
"Daddy please don't look so sad, momma please don't cry.
Cause I'm in the arms of Jesus, and he sings me lullabies.
Please try not to question God, don't think he is unkind.
Don't think he sent me to you and then changed his mind.
You see I'm a special child, I am needed up above.
I'm the special gift you gave Him, a product of your love.
I'll always be there with you, so watch the sky at night.
Look for the brightest star and know that's my halo's brilliant light.
You'll see me in the morning frost that mists your window pane.
That's me in the summer showers, I'll be dancing in the rain.
When you feel a gentle breeze from a gentle wind that blows.
Know that it's me planting a kiss upon your nose.
When you see a child playing and your heart feels a tug,
Don't be sad mommy, that's just me giving your heart a hug.
So daddy don't looks so sad and momma please don't cry.
I'm in the arms of Jesus and he sings me lullabies!
-----------------------------------------------------------
If tears could build a stairway,
And memories were a lane,
We would walk right up to heaven
To bring you down again.
No farewell words were spoken,
No time to say good-bye.
You were gone before we knew it,
And only God knows why.
Our hearts still ache in sadness
And secret tears still flow,
What it meant to lose you,
No one will ever know.
When we are sad and lonely,
And everything goes wrong,
We seem to hear you whisper
"Cheer up and carry on."
Each time we look at your pictures,
You seem to smile and say,
"Don't cry, I'm only sleeping,
We'll meet again someday."
----------------------------
A million times I've missed you, a million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you, you never would have died.
To some you are forgotten, to others just part of the past;
but to me who loved and lost you, your love will always last.
It broke my heart to lose you, you didn't go alone,
for my life went with you -sweetheart- the day angels called you home.
For things on earth didn't matter, but now I feel so alone,
My heart will always be broken, my life will never be whole.
We might be parted for awhile, our hearts will always be together
for one day soon we will hold hands again forever.
----------------------------------------------------------------
My Mom is a Survivor
My Mom is a survivor,
or so I've heard it said.
But I can hear her crying at night
when all others are in bed.
I watch her lay awake at night
and go to hold her hand.
She doesn't know I'm with her
to help her understand.
But like the sands on the beach
that never wash away ...
I watch over my surviving Mom
who thinks of me each day.
She wears a smile for others ...
a smile of disguise!
But through Heaven's door
I see tears flowing from her eyes.
My Mom tries to cope with death;
To keep my memory alive.
But anyone who knows her knows
it is her way to survive.
as I watch over my surviving Mom
through Heaven's open door ...
I try to tell her that angels
protect me forevermore!
I know that doesn't help her,
or ease the burden she bears.
So, if you get a chance, go visit her.
Show her that you care.
for no matter what she says ...
no matter what she feels.
My surviving Mom has a broken heart
that time won't ever heal.
~Author~
Kaye Des'Ormeaux
------------------------------------------
Sweet Child
by Unknown Author
God made a sweet child
a child who never grew old
He made a smile of sunshine
He molded a heart of pure gold.
He made that child as close to an angel
as anyone ever could be
God made a Sweet Child
and He gave that dear child to me
Then God saw His wonderful creation
growing very tired and weak
so He wrapped the child in His loving arms
and said, "You my child I keep"
But now my Sweet Child is an angel
Free from hurt and pain
I'll love you forever, until we meet again
So many times I have missed you
So many times I have cried
If all my love could have saved you
Sweet Child you never would have died.
------------------------------------------------
A Peek Into Heaven
By Callie Sanders Thornton
Just one little peek into heaven,
Is all I'm asking for today.
I just want to know how she's doing,
And heaven seems so far away.
Is she playing on the clouds with angels?
Is she laughing and running today?
Does she miss me?
I guess only she knows.
Oh why does heaven seem so far away?
If you just let me look for a moment,
To catch a glimpse of her sweet smiling face,
I promise I won't try to take her,
I know, she's in a better place.
Just one little peek into heaven,
Is all I'm asking for today.
I just want to know how she's doing,
And heaven seems so far away...
---------------------------------------------
You ask me how I'm feeling,
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go
You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.
Because I am so lonely,
you see, no one comes around,
I'll take the words I want to say
And quietly choke them down.
Everyone avoids me now,
Because they don't know what to say
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.
Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?
I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.
How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?
Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their child’s casket,
watched it perched above a grave?
You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.
If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.
Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."
Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do to.
but do you really want to know?
The moment I try telling you
You say you have to go
You ask me how I'm holding up,
but do you really care?
The second I try to speak my heart,
You start squirming in your chair.
Because I am so lonely,
you see, no one comes around,
I'll take the words I want to say
And quietly choke them down.
Everyone avoids me now,
Because they don't know what to say
They tell me I'll be there for you,
then turn and walk away.
Call me if you need me,
that's what everybody said,
But how can I call you and scream
into the phone,
My God, my child is dead?
I am tired of pretending
as my heart pounds in my chest,
I say things to make you comfortable,
but my soul finds no rest.
How can I tell you things
that are too sad to be told,
of the helplessness of holding a child
who in your arms grows cold?
Maybe you can tell me,
How should one behave,
who's had to follow their child’s casket,
watched it perched above a grave?
You cannot imagine
what it was like for me that day
to place a final kiss upon that box,
and have to turn and walk away.
If you really love me,
and I believe you do,
if you really want to help me,
here is what I need from you.
Sit down beside me,
reach out and take my hand,
Say "My friend, I've come to listen,
I want to understand."
Just hold my hand and listen
that's all you need to do,
And if by chance I shed a tear,
it's alright if you do to.
----------------------------------------------
An Ugly Pair of Shoes
Author Unknown
I am wearing a pair of shoes.
They are ugly shoes.
Uncomfortable Shoes.
I hate my shoes.
Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.
Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.
Yet, I continue to wear them.
I get funny looks wearing these shoes.
They are looks of sympathy.
I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.
They never talk about my shoes.
To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.
To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.
But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.
I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.
There are many pairs in the world.
Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them.
Some have learned how to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.
Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by
before they think of how much they hurt.
No woman deserves to wear these shoes.
Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.
These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.
They have made me who I am.
I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
**Quotes**
"Anyone else can give up. Its the easiest thing to do...but to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fall...thats true strength"
"The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen." - Elizabeth Kubler Ross
"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people who are reckless with yours. Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself. Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in doing... this, tell me how. Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble gum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 p.m. on some idle Tuesday. Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for good. Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future. Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young." The Sunscreen song
"If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together, there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem and smarter than you think; but the most important thing is, even if we're apart, I'll always be with you." ~ Winnie the Pooh
"Happiness comes only from appreciating what you have right now. You can even be happy by appreciating your troubles because they are helping to build your character"- Harriet Meyerson
"Just because today may be the most terrible you have ever had, doesn't mean tomorrow wont be the absolute best, you just have to make it there..."
"When a parent dies, you lose your past; when a child dies, you lose your future."
"When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay but rather, that you know you must find a way to keep growing and living-even if you don't feel like it...[Don't let] grief be your constant companion...Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end... Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal."
Thoughts
So here is the hardest thing for me. People always telling me its going to get better. It will never get better. Yes we will all move forward with our lives, but can I even explain how it feels every morning to wake up and realize that your body failed you in providing life? That you gave birth to your daughter who was not alive? Can I even begin to explain what would go through your head when a doctor tells you "Im sorry Laura your daughter has passed?" I cannot even begin to explain to anyone. No one could ever understand unless they have gone through it themselves. That is what makes this so hard. So no this will not get better. I will never get to see my daughters smile, or hear my daughters laugh. She was taken from me far too soon. My body will recover, but I can assure you not a day will pass without haunting memories or a picture of my daughters face in my mind.
If I realized one thing out of all of this, it would be you simply cannot judge anyone. Everyone you pass in the grocery store, everyone you pass on the road because they just wont go fast enough for you, everyone you meet that maybe does not smile back at you or "rubs you the wrong way", remember that EVERYONE has a story, everyone has experienced some kind of pain in their lives. You never know what someone is going through that day to make them drive slow or not smile apon meeting you. Everyone has a story and even though everyones story may not be as tragic as yours...its tragic to them and that is all that matters. So I guess thats my rambling for today. Just another day for me.
If I realized one thing out of all of this, it would be you simply cannot judge anyone. Everyone you pass in the grocery store, everyone you pass on the road because they just wont go fast enough for you, everyone you meet that maybe does not smile back at you or "rubs you the wrong way", remember that EVERYONE has a story, everyone has experienced some kind of pain in their lives. You never know what someone is going through that day to make them drive slow or not smile apon meeting you. Everyone has a story and even though everyones story may not be as tragic as yours...its tragic to them and that is all that matters. So I guess thats my rambling for today. Just another day for me.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Update*
As of now I still have anxiety. I am off one BP medication but still on one more. I have my first high risk prepregnancy meeting next monday, and another one about a month after that. I also get to meet with my new OB Feb 8th! I want to see two so I can find the best doctor for us. I am hoping is everything goes my way that we can start trying in April. I am scared to death to try again. The way I see it is I will never heal from this. Time will not heal this chapter in my life. It is up to me to start another chapter. Waiting 1 year 3 years or 3 months will not make any difference on how scared I will be for my next pregnancy. All I can do is remain positive!
The beginning of the end
No one ever talks about what could happen, or tells you about diseases to look out for during pregnancy. I bet 90% of women don't know what Severe Pre-eclampsia or HELLP disease is. These diseases took my daughter's life and almost my own. This is Cara's story...
May 23th 2009 my husband and I learned that we were pregnant. Little did we know that this would have such a tragic outcome. November 17th 2009 we lost our little girl Cara at 30 weeks due to Severe Preeclampsia. She was beautiful, she was perfect, she was silent... Here is her story...
My pregnancy was uneventful, typical first ultrasound and prenatal doctor appointments.
November 1 2009 at 28 weeks I went to my 3D ultrasound. We got to see our baby girl move and smile and even suck her thumb. Everything looked great.
November 2 2009 at 28 weeks (the day prior) I woke up with swollen ankles,
my eyelids were even swollen. This could not be normal... I knew I had an appointment the next day but did not have a good feeling at all. I called my doctor and told them I needed to be seen right away. I was told a nurse practitioner was the only doctor to see me, at the point I did not care who saw me I wanted to be seen. I went in and they did a urine test (I later come to find out that I had 1+ protein in my urine...(protein in urine during pregnancy can be a huge indicator of pre-eclampsia.) We talked about my concern with Preeclampsia. My blood pressure was 128/90 which was my highest reading yet in pregnancy. Typically my blood pressures were 100/70 or 60's...without any further testing...I was sent home.
November 15th 2009 at 30 weeks It all began... I was laying in bed with ice packs on my head with a headache I would never be able to explain to anyone. Then came the vomiting. I called the doctor on call, explained my symptoms. I was told I probably had the flu and to wait 4 hours and if I still was feeling bad to come in. Within an hour I found myself on my way to the hospital. On the way to the hospital I knew something was very very wrong. I remember thinking that I was dying, I remember thinking how quickly I just wished to get there. As my husband pulled into the hospital... I had started seeing flashing spots/sparks and my vision started to go in my left eye.
November 16, 2009 I was 30 weeks and 2 days along. While checking myself in the hospital, I noticed I could not think straight or even pull my id card from my wallet, I felt like I was going to pass out. Upon entering my room, I began to vomit again. The nurse came in wearing a mask. Of course everyone was concerned about the swine flu. The nurse tried for about 10 minutes to find a heartbeat. Nothing...nothing at all. We knew something was wrong...all we heard was silence. In the back of my head I never in a million years would have thought that my baby was dead. I just thought...Just get a nurse in here that obviously knows what she is doing...I mean my baby just had a heartbeat not even two weeks ago! I called my mom and told her they could not find a heartbeat...she was on her way. The nurse said a ultrasound tech would be coming in to "get a better look." When the tech came in we knew something was wrong. Not by the lack of a heartbeat sound...but by the way the nurse and ultrasound tech were acting. Nervous, on edge, jumpy. You just knew by looking at them, that something was horribly wrong. On the screen we saw her in a head down position...no movement. I asked the tech if he heard a heartbeat, he said "The doctors will be able to have a better look." Again I knew something was wrong but never did I think she was dead...I guess that as "a soon to be mother" a dead baby inside of you is the last thing that crosses your mind. My mom arrived, and my dad was on his way. When the doctor came in I knew immediately that we had lost her, because not only did a doctor come... two nurses came in as well. Very quiet...very slow. The doctor said "Laura your baby has passed." My first thought was that's impossible, there was no way, are you fucking kidding me? I looked over at my husband who was crying "no...no..." I began to cry...
From there my mind seemed to stop. It all gets real blurry from here...(every few months as I remember the events of that day I tend to fill in my story)
I remember suddenly a switch turned on... I was calm. I asked what is going to happen next, and was told I needed to deliver my baby. I could not believe it. I had to deliver a baby and I could not even keep her or see her cry or smile? I thought they would just suction the baby out...never I would I imagine that I would give birth to a dead baby. Those are things no one in life prepares you for or warns you about...things in life you don't even think about things that blind side you on a tuesday afternoon. My mind was filled with 1,000 different emotions. The strangest feeling for me was...I was not scared...I did not care...I had no idea how sick I was and how sick I was going to become. I had no idea what time it was...nothing... I just wanted to go home and pretend this never happened, to pretend I was never pregnant to begin with. I wanted to erase all horrible outcomes from my head. I remember thinking "Ok ill give birth...lets get this over with...I want to go home...I want to go back to work...Ill just tell people to never talk about it...ill pretend it never happened...I was never pregnant."
Blurry...its all so blurry. I truly believe now it was my body's way (as well as Gods way) of taking care of me. Blocking any crazy emotions I had for the time being. I do not remember this part at all...I was told I was wheeled into a bigger room and right away being started on a IV hooked to fluids, blood pressure medications, antibiotics (because I was running a fever of 101), and magnesium sulfate (Anti seizure medication) My mom told me she never in her life saw nurses and doctors move so fast. I never once asked what time it was. I never asked what was going to happen. Never asked how sick I was or what was wrong with me. Never asked if it was going to hurt. Never asked how many times I would push, or how long I would be in labor...nothing. I was put on IV drug called Magnesium sulfate ...It is a brutal drug. The 4 days I was in the hospital. I laid there...no TV...no lights...no sound...nothing. If my husband was watching TV with the sound up I would have a fit. The room was always at around 60 degrees IN NOVEMBER...THATS how hot I was...people in my room wore jackets. I remember asking them if they were cold as I lay there practically naked with ice rags all over my body. They would respond "nooo." My head was going to explode...that I was positive. My BP was 160/110 which is dangerously high. After running blood work, the doctors immediately knew I had Severe Preeclampsia. I remember the doctors coming into the room and hearing the words "Severe Preeclampsia" I already knew what that was. That is WHY I went to the doctor for my emergency appointment. That was WHY I asked about Preeclampsia. Well now everyone seemed to be very concerned about how sick I was and I didn't even care. The magnesium made me vomit frequently and vision loss on my left eye became worse. I dont remember falling asleep that night, but I do remember nurses giving me pills to make me sleep.
I remember having labor pains, and for some odd reason the nurses kept pushing me to get an epidural saying "Your already going through enough, you should not have to suffer any pain from this" I kept thinking who cares...I dont care. I kept having contractions that were stronger and finally said ok to an epidural which made me itch...itch to the point where I had sores on my face and scratches all over my neck and chest. The sores on my face lasted for 2 weeks. It was a horrible feeling. I wanted to crawl out of my skin. I guess I was sleeping on and off majority of the time. Next thing I remember was waking up and saying, "Im ready to push" Its weird its like your body just knows. I finally was dilated to 10. I remember asking "what if im too tired to push" I had to have people hold me up, I could not hold my own body up. (later I come to find out I was in labor for more than 24 hours!) Seems like minutes...My mom and Kyle stood with me as I delivered our angel into this world...with wings.
I guess I have never talked about how we got to the name Cara, as we had Mya picked out along with some others that honestly I can't even remember now. I never in a million years even gave thought to naming her. At the time I didnt even think I was supposed to name a dead baby. Something that from the beginning I was so ANAL about! Now I just did not care. My mom came over to be at one point after she was born and asked what I wanted to name her... I said I did not care. Well my Family is Italian. My Pappy is from Italy. My Aunt P said what about Cara it means beloved in Italian. I said fine, and that was that. Now its so perfect for her!
November 17th- Cara Angel Meindel...born at 2:30... 2lbs 11 oz and 16 inches long...stillborn.
As you can see she was super long, just like her six foot three inch daddy! She has the cutest nose on the planet. The nurses asked me if I wanted to hold her, I said no. I can't explain why I did not want to hold her, although I wish I had. They cleaned her off, gave her a bath and dressed her. I dont remember any of that. At one point right after she was born (in the picture below) I asked my mom why she was that color. It was like a scene from a movie, a dead baby laying right in front of me...and she was mine. My family came in and everyone was able to love and hold her when I could not. I did not even cry. I had no emotions. I dont remember much at all, just wanting to sleep and wanting everyone to leave me alone. When she was born she looked like she would breathe or move...but she didn't. She just lay there. I remember being mad that everyone was holding her and rocking her and dressing her. I did not want anyone to hold her.I was so mad that nurses were taking pictures. I did not want any pictures. I could not understand why everyone wanted to hold her and kiss her... she was dead. Now I only knew everyone was doing it out of love. I am so mad at myself for not loving her more during that moment. I wish I could take it back. Every day now I wish I could hold her. It is to date a big regret of mine. Now I am so glad that I got to spend time with her because now whatever time I did spend and the pictures I have I cherish.
Apparently I passed out after my delivery. After my delivery I must have gained another 10 pounds. I started pre pregnancy at 127 and got to 162 when I was admitted...then gained more after delivery. So you can imagine how much water weight I had. I had nurses tell me that when I originally admitted myself and gave my ID to them...they could not find who it belonged to...that's how different I looked. I remember my mom telling me I need to start thinking about her baptism and funeral. I could not. My Uncle J (Who spent every day there at the hospital with me) helped my Parents plan everything. I had no part in her funeral, I was too sick. I held my beautiful daughter for the first time (that I remember) during her baptism, it was done right in the room. Lots of hail mary's and our father's. Ill never look at church stuff the same.
From that point on I don't remember much again. I know I was hooked up to a blood pressure machine to take my blood pressure every 15 mins, was still on the magnesium sulfate, and was getting blood drawn twice a day. Cara stayed in the room with us that night in her basket, I dont even remember falling asleep. I know I had nightmares. The next morning it all sunk in. I held her and cried, she had my nose and my chin, and Kyles eyes and toes and long body and lips. Just how amazingly beautiful she was. I could not even comprehend why this was happening to me. I know that Wednesday the 18th that the funeral home did come and take her, I thought it was time. I kept telling my father that she had been with us for days. He was not ready to see her go. In reality it had not even been 24 hours. (I now wish I would have spent more time with her) I was also still in the hospital. That morning the doctor came in and told me I had HELLP syndrome...HELLP is basically when your liver and kidneys shut down. Scary stuff. It was hard to comprehend why this happened to me, and how it was not caught.
November 19th 2009 I was finally released from the hospital. My blood pressure was still high. I went home on blood pressure medication. I can tell you that when I went home that night I wanted to go back to the hospital, I thought I was just going to keel over, because of how sick I was. I must have called the doctor on call that night a million times. I was scared to be home and not to have nurses and doctors looking over my every movement. I could not tell you what happened the next day because I simply just do not remember. I knew I did a lot of staring into space, and just counting down the hours until I could just go to sleep again...because sleeping was the only time I was not emotionally in the worst pain.
This is her teddy bear she was buried with. He is going to keep her warm, until the day that she is back safely in my arms.
November 22 2009 I was not feeling right all day, I had my husband go and purchase me a blood pressure cuff and took my blood pressure. 168/135, I knew I could have a stoke with numbers like that. I was rushed to the emergency room where after 3 hours they could not get my blood pressure down and my heart rate was a steady 130 when I was laying down, that was so scary for me, I kept thinking that I was not going to make it through this. I was the most scared I had ever been in my life. They actually had to admit me again and the worst part...they had to admit me back to labor and delivery because I still had preeclampsia in my system...Which was rare. (Post Pardum Preelclampsia can occur up to 6 weeks past delivery) Of course it was...everything that was happening to me was "rare"...Next time someone says to me "Oh thats rare" Im gonna say oh really? Rare things seem to happen to me... I remember getting in the room and there were huge seizure pads on the bed, and 2 nurses and a doctor, standing there almost anticipating something to happen to me. I was so scared of having a heart attack or stroke or seizure...Again I was being hooked up to blood pressure machines and they had to put me back on magnesium sulfate to prevent seizures and again I got pretty sick. I remember my husband having to feed me jello while I was laying down because I couldn't even sit up. I remember asking for ice rags to be placed on my forehead about every 5 minutes. I laid like that all day Monday the 23. That night they took me off the magnesium sulfate and I started to come around. My blood pressure went way down and I was able to go home on the 24th on 2 different blood pressure medications and 2 different anxiety medications. This time feeling much better.
(My blood pressure finally normalized in Feb)
December 14, 2009 This was the first day I made it to Caras grave site. I bought her a dozen light pink roses and a Christmas Card. I fell to the ground and cried a million tears for her. I went alone because I like to cry alone. Its hard for me to let my emotions out. (Which is why I choose to write this blog)
November 16-29 were the hardest days for me. Because of the obvious and because I was so scared I was not going to make it...having people ask if you have a living will...just nightmarish! My anxiety about what happened I hope will eventually subside. Losing your daughters life and then almost losing your own is the scariest thing to ever imagine. I have nightmares now and when I look at my husbands face I see our angel Cara. I know that hopefully someday we will be able to have a healthy baby. Hopefully by me writing this everyone can better understand the disease preeclampsia, how it can effect pregnant women during pregnancy as well as after for up to 12 weeks. Always listen to your instincts, and please share the knowledge of this disease, it can save lives!
CARA IS EVERYWHERE!
Below is Cara name made by many different people from all around the world!
To make a name for Cara please email L412Angel@aol.com
To make a name for Cara please email L412Angel@aol.com
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