Comes and goes

It comes and goes...My sadness. I have good days and bad days. Every day I cannnot explain what it is like to wake up and just think...wow this is my life...or...WOW this really did happen. I feel like such a debbie downer all the time. I try to be happy a lot because I know it is so hard for people to hear my story, I almost feel like sometimes people get sick of hearing me talk about it, which I am sure is not the case, but just a thought in a my mind. I know no one likes to hear about the sad things in life, but its life and unfortunately now this is what happened in my life. Im dont cry much, when I do I like to be alone and I dont like hugs much either...makes me sadder (dont care if its not a word...it is in my book). Its hard to cry though because I start to and then I realize crying does nothing...nothing will take back what happened, and crying does not help. I almost feel like I am feeling sorry for myself, and then that makes me mad. I will never get to hold her again...(at least not until heaven time) She crosses my mind about every 3 seconds.

I want to constantly look at her pictures, its like I may forget what she looks like. Its this crazy urge I have to look at her pictures now. She is actually now, the screen saver on my phone, because im afraid ill forget or something crazy like that. I would give anything to touch her one more time. I dont even remember kissing her...to be honest I dont even think I did. I know this may sound crazy but I wish I could go back to that day so I can not be sick and actually remember her. All I remember is how cold she felt at her funeral when I touched her forehead. She felt like a doll and looked like one too. I wish I could remember more of her when I was in the hospital.

I just keep thinking how did this happen to me? I try to be such a good loving person, I always think of others before my self, so why did this happen to someone like me? I was in the best shape of my life before I got pregnant. I ate good, was healthy, how did this happen?

Another thing that bugs me is that Im looking for a sign of her...anything, a butterfly, a cloud shaped in a heart...I want to feel her around me, and I dont, all I feel is an empty void. I honestly dont know if that void can ever be filled.

I go for my blood work tomorrow morning to make sure I do not have any underlying diseases, im nervous that they may find something, but at the same time...if they do at least I would know why I got this disease. I still experience these CRAZY ass, vivid in color dreams, and visual problems. When you have high blood pressure as high as mine was you start to have "visual disturbances" Flashes, sparks, blurry vision or loss of vision(due to swelling of the brain) I had all of those in the hospital and was to a point where I could not even see numbers on my cell phone or the nurse that stood in front of me. I still have some visual disturbances here and there. This morning I had a flashing spot. Its always on my left eye (not near as bad or anything like I experienced when I was sick thank god). It was a round circle and it flashed, it was small. The ones I experienced in the hosiptal were like lightening bolts that really took a toll on my vision. Right before I got discharged the first time I had one so bad I had to call a nurse in a few different times. I was afraid I was going blind!! Scary stuff! If it continues for another month I think I may see an eye doc. I did tons of research on the effects of preeclampsia on your body after delivery.(some women experience vision loss that is never corrected and some women have to go through eye surgerys!) Sometimes your retnia can start to detach from your eye and that is the cause for a visual disturbance. Well I for sure do not want that to happen, so like I said if it continues I will see a doctor!