This is not my life

A few seconds ago I walked by Caras little "shrine" we have in our loft. It is on my book shelf, and on the top shelf we have her picture (the one at the bottom of this page...its my favorite) a teddy bear that was given to us at her funeral, her footprints, a cross (that was mine when I was little...her Pappy wanted to bury her with it, I chose to keep it) and her ankle bracelet that Teddy wears. Well I walked by and looked at her picture. Most nights I tell her sweet dreams and smile (because she was so beautiful) Tonight I had to look away. These are the thoughts that filled my head?
*How did I get to 7.5 months only for her not to make it?
*How did this happen?
*This is not my life.

This is not my life. That goes through my head daily. I can't even begin to explain how it feels to every morning wake up and suddenly remember that I am no longer pregnant...that I lost my daughter...that I came so close to losing my own life. I feel like I was never fully aware of what was happening in the hospital.(because I was so sick and because I truly did not believe what was happening to me) I just wish I could see her one more time and love her the way I do now. When I was in the hospital I showed hardly any emotions. The emotions I remembered go like this...
When the doctor came in on November 16th at 11:40 am and told me that my baby had passed...
I remember thinking ok well when can I go home.
The sooner I can get out of here the sooner I can pretend this never happened.
Then after that I dont remember feeling anything. Just numb. No tears either. I kept thinking why cry its not going to change anything. One of the nurses called me "click" (from the movie with Adam Sandler...which I have never seen) she said all I did was want to fast forward my life. Well if you were me...you would too.
I remember not even thinking or caring how sick I was. I was on anti seziure medication, blood pressure medication, and antibiotics because I developed a high fever from having my baby inside of me.
I didnt ask how big my baby was going to be. I didnt ask to see her after she was born...I didnt ask to see her naked...I didnt ask to see her toes...her hair.
I remember being scared to hold her in fear she may break. (I cant explain what it was like to hold a infant that was not alive)
I remember the last time I held her that I did feel an overwhelming saddness of want of pain that this could not be happening to me.
I remember hallucinating, and losing vision to my left eye on numerous occasions.
I remember the feeling of going home and for the first few days just being scared because my mind no longer worked. I didnt care about my hair, my makeup, my nails, showering, nothing I just didnt care. It was also like I did not know how to take care of myself anymore.
I remember wondering when I finally was home if I was going to have a stroke or seziure.
I remember going to sleep and being scared I was not going to wake up.
I remember being PETRAFIED to be left alone. (Even when Kyle left for an hour I needed to take anxiety medication)
I remember trying not to talk about what I was scared about or tell anyone that I was not feelign good for fear that it would come true (I thought if I ignored it I would just get better)
I remember feeling sick and being admitted back into the hospital.
I remember not thinking I was going to make it out of this as I entered a room with the bed padded with sezire pads and numerous doctors and nurses.
I remember what it was like to be scared for my life for the first time ever.
It all seems like a movie, like something from a book I read or someone elses story. It is now my story. I dont really know how to go on with my day to day life or how I do. I just do. I take things hour by hour. I live each day as it comes and thats all I can do.