Nerves

Days can pass and I will have no anxiety at all. Other days are not so good. Today is a not so good day.

Earlier this week I was not feeling well and now I have no voice and a cough, so I took a run over to the urgent care. Glad I went because I do have Bronchitis, but it was so nerve wrecking because its basically like a hospital (its not like a walk in care, its actually an emergency care like a hospital). Now I kind wish I just waited to go to the regular doctors office. It bought back so many memories, seeing doctors and nurses, and machines. My blood pressure was fine of course but my heart rate was 135! I was so freggin nervous. I can't control it either (who would have ever thought to be nervous about cold/flu symptoms) Then I get the doctors who ask me about my medical history. So I had to say twice "I gave birth 2 months ago to my daughter and she was stillborn due to severe preeclampsia"(and shed a few tears when saying that) For people who already know what happened (for example my clients at work) its so much easier for me to talk about, any outsiders that I have to tell what happened to me is a horrible feeling! For example when I had to be readmitted to the hospital 5 days after I gave birth. The nurse at the ER said why are you here. I had to explain that I just gave birth and had hellp and preeclampsia. She said im sorry to hear that. How is your baby doing? Yah um dead I wanted to scream! So I KNOW (trust me I know) that people that dont know what happened to me its not their fault, but still hurts. 99.999 % of people im sure when they hear the statement "I just gave birth" will say oh wow congrats, and for so many of us congrats is the furtherst thing from what we want to hear...but people just dont know. I kinda want a sign to wear that says "My baby was stillborn. Dont ask me if I have children, dont ask me if this is my first pregnancy when im pregnant again, dont say things like oh just wait untill you have kids"

I hate the feeling of anxiety! When I have good days, I cant wait to get pregnant again! When I have days filled with anxiety I can't imagine being pregnant again. I just get anxiety thinking about what I have been through for only being 25 years old! I feel like my health is not as great as most 25 year olds because of what I went through as well. That scares me!

Last night I got to finally go out and have a good time. I drank too much, which ok I have not drank in basically a year!And if I did it was like 2 drinks or a glass of wine. So I dont know if I should be drinking on zoloft. I know that its said to "not be a good idea" I was fine, did not get sick or anything just have major anxiety today. Maybe drinking and zoloft just do not mix. Part of me would like to come off of it, but then I think 'well I am probably going to need it in my next pregnancy since I will more than likely be a basket case'

Anxiety and nerves go away dont come again any other day :)