36 weeks

Wow. Its really around the corner. I feel like I am preparing for someone else's life. This is so surreal to me. That next Friday I will be holding Carter man in my arms.

Kyle and I are so blessed. Well forever broken, but blessed. Our family will never be complete without her of course. 

Carter's room is finally almost done. We are awaiting a rug, some wall ledges and a nightstand. 

I will of course post more pictures when everything else arrives. I am thrilled I am at 36 weeks, and only having labile pressures...could be worse right?

My Braxton Hicks, have been quite strong lately. Last night had me up for two hours, I almost thought I was going to have to wake the hubby to take me to L&D however I feel asleep counting contractions, so they could not have been that bad.

I am nervous. Not for delivery, but im nervous about Preeclampsia. Not only did I have it before delivery last time, I developed it even worse after delivery last time. You can get Post Pardum Preeclampsia/HELLP up to 6 weeks after delivery. So the fact that I am not in the clear for 6 weeks worries me. 

I also will have to worry about Carter for the rest of my life. I hope I am not one of those moms who watches her son sleep, checks his breathing every two minutes etc...sigh...No one said it would be easy...just worth it right?

I have made my decision

After I lost Cara, I couldnt watch Greys Anatomy, couldnt drive past a hospital, calling a doctor would make my stomach churn. I relied every four hours on Xanex, and forever thought I would be terrified of Doctors, hospitals etc. I never ever wanted to go back to a hospital, never wanted anything to do with it, it was all a horrific reminder.

Not the case anymore. Took me about 6 months for my curiosity on health care started to kick in. Knowing I could and would never be the type of doctor, assistant, receptionist etc, who would not take someone seriously. I craved to make a difference. Dont get me wrong, those of you that are my clients who read, no worries, I will always be a stylist at Ginger Root. I love it, and that is my passion as well... but my decision is made. I will be going back to school within the next year. I don't care if I only take one class a week night (which is what I probably would only be able to do/afford) but I am going to do it.

Once Carter is born and things settle down I will start to look into what I wanna be, nursing assistant, nurse etc. I dont care if it takes me 10 years. 

My own personal knowledge on health has surprised even me. I become more and more intrigued with everything. I also retain medical information like a sponge.
What are platelets and the ranges they are supposed to be at? What a systolic versus a diastolic pressure is, what they do and what is dangerous? What a CBC is. The difference between Pregnancy Induced Hypertension and Preeclampsia. Tachycardia. What a stress test does. What Cardiomyapathy or Atrial Fibrillation is. Aspiration Pneumonia vs. Pneumonia. The list goes on.  My hunger for more knowledge on anything I can get my fingers on that deals with health is crazy!

I feel incomplete and like something in my life is missing. Cara has driven me to want to help others more than ever.

I can't wait to start this journey!!

First trip to Labor and Delivery

Yesterday was my first trip in 35 weeks. I am happy I made it to 35 weeks without being admitted, but yesterday was a different story.

I didnt feel so hot the whole day. I went in to the office for my normal BPP. (Ultrasound) I started feeling a bit dizzy, so I asked if someone could take my BP. The nurse came in and took it three times, not telling me the reading the first two. The last reading was 128/86. They sent me over to Labor and Delivery. Don't get me wrong I am so glad they did. I DO NOT want to get sick. I would rather be delivered early than sit around and wait for Preeclampsia. NO THANK YOU!

I was admitted around 2:30. They did blood draws and started a 24 hour urine. The staff was wonderful and it was a great experience. On my way to the hospital I cried. I was nervous, but once being there I was reassured. I was hooked up to fetal monitors and Carter was doing fantastic. I was having contractions left and right, but they are not worried. Around 8 pm, I was finally sent home. My blood work came back normal, platelets dropped a bit from 290 to 230, but no worries. I am now on modified bed rest. No cleaning, working, shopping, etc...I can get my legs waxed, hair done etc...I am really proud of myself for making it working even if it was only 3 days a week until 35 weeks. I really wish I could work these next two weeks for financial reasons, but I understand why I can't. My bosses have been wonderful and told me to enjoy my leave. Something I was not able to do last time for obvious reasons.

I am doubting that Carter will make it to his amnio. For the shear reason that I know if things progress in any which way I will deliver. I am told to take my BP daily and if my bottom number reaches 90 to call in right away. This am right out of bed I was already at 114/89. My top number has never ever given me trouble, its always been my bottom. Of course it has to be the number they worry about. I was told I have Clonus also known as hyperflexia as well as Labile pressures.

Clonus is defined as alternate involuntary muscular contraction and relaxation in rapid succession.

Labile pressures are defined as blood pressure that fluctuates abruptly and repeatedly, often causing symptoms such as headache or ringing in the ears. People with labile hypertension often react to emotional stress with an increase in blood pressure. Frequently, traditional blood-pressure medicines have little effect.

So thats me and where we are at right now.

One more tidbit I would like to add. Its so ironic. The day I was admitted with Cara was a tuesday, and my furniture was being delivered. Yesterday was a tuesday, and my furniture was being delivered. 

On a happy 35 week note!

 

Im not going to get any bigger right ;) 

FYI-BLM community

There are cyber bullys out there. We all know that.

I am not a fan of people criticizing others. People thinking they know so much more than others, even though we have all been through the same thing.

I am not a fan of trying to scare the shit out of someone when their pregnant, nor do I need to me reminded of my regret. I have plenty of friends or people I know that have issues when they are pregnant I give my honest opinion without being rude and let them make a decision. I never try to con or remind them of past events.

I am not a fan of people thinking that their suitatuion or their child's death was far more tragic than others. Its all the same. Its all tragic. Its not easier if your child was born dead, its not easier if your child was born alive and then died. Nothing is easy. Certain things just should not be said. Nothing negative is good in this community.

I am so grateful for those of you that I know and that read my blog. I hope I will never ever do anything to hurt anyone. I hope I never ever would assume my position is far worse or my pain is worse. I try to take everything and everyone on a equal level.

You can really learn a lot from bossy, critical and condescending comments. I know I learn what I do not want to be like.

I know a few other BLM's that have experienced some bullying as well. If you do not have something good to say to someone, please don't say it at all. Remove yourself from the situation or find other ways to approach it.

Stay in the Faith. Be kind to people, even when they are not kind to you. Give to people, even when they are not giving to you. Where You Are Is Temporary.

Question everyone wants to know

Why are they inducing you if you have no signs of Preeclampsia?

Ok well ill do my best to explain this and not offend anyone because I KNOW everyone means well.

First off when you have lost a child in the way that the child dies inside of you because your body fails, the only thing in the world you want is a live child. If the child is not healthy, or needs time in the NICU of course it is not ideal, but you still will have a living child. That is what goes through most BLM's. We have goals "If I can just make it to 30, 32 weeks ill be ok" while most people go beyond 40. I would MUCH rather have a child in the NICU than no child at all.

Second, 37 weeks in considered full term, providing lung maturity (which is why I am set up for an amnio) Just because you go to 38 or 40 weeks, does not mean baby will be fine. There is never a guarantee. My girlfriend delivered at 38 weeks and baby spent two weeks in NICU, another baby was born at term who had difficulties breathing. On the other hand another good friend delivered at 34 weeks no NICU time and baby went home. It all depends.

Third Preeclampsia and Hellp are very dangerous. Many mothers lose their lives. Many babies do as well. I not only got Preeclampsia and Hellp when pregnant I was hospitalized after delivery as well sicker than when I was pregnant, with failing liver and kidneys and blood pressures in stroke and seziure range. We do not want me to go there again, so why chance it.

Last, mental reassurance. I dont know when Cara died inside of me. Every time Carter moves I thank god he is still alive. That is just how I cope. I have been coping that way since 20 weeks and replaying worst case scenarios in my head since July. Its exhausting, worrying about your baby dying, worrying about losing your own life, especially when it is for 9 months.

It just never ends

My grandfather is doing worse. I have not seen him since he was in rehab. Mainly because no one wanted me around him because he was so sick. Watching my mom, aunts and uncles helplessly try to find answers for him is so frustrating. He is rapidly losing weight, he won't eat (and for a man that is from Italy who loves pasta and food more than life is concerning.) I try not to think about it. I had two people in my family pass away within 6 months. I went from having all my family members and extended family to two less in six months. I can't do this again. Especially at a time like this. Im selfish, I want Carter to know this man who I ALWAYS looked up to and loved every second of my life.

Everyone always said how great it was I never experienced a family members death at my age. I disagree. Its harder, because you just think they will be around forever.

I feel helpless, I can't see him, can't help him. I am just sitting here waiting for some miracle. The strongest man I have known, is so frail. Why? We don't even know why. No one has answers.

Life is never easy, death is inevitable, but no one said it's easy. I hate it and I hate the fact that I have stared it in the face, my daughter and grandmother met the face of it. I don't want to loose anyone else.

And then im selfish again, thinking in a few short weeks I will be welcoming my son. I dont want to be saying goodbye too. I want everyone to be happy. I dont want to battle happiness and sorrow. I want my Mom to be happy, and not filled with sorrow and battle happiness at the same time. This is such an incredibly hard time on my family. Mainly because my Pappy who is 83 and Grammy who is 78 live in a two story 5 bedroom home. They have no help. Pappy was Grammy's caregiver (due to a 13 year battle with Hodgkins Lymphoma) Now she is his, and she is in no shape to take care of someone as sick as him.

I'm that person that wants to find immediate answers and fix things in any way I can. This time I can't.

I feel like every since I lost Cara, it has just been a shit show. One things after the next, never leaving me or my family with a dull moment. It never ever ends. It just never does...

This is where I am praying for some guardian angel to come in and take over...Cara sweetie...that is you!

Arthur's surgery & More life events

Poor Arthur! Arthur had surgery on Valentines day, due to a luxating patella. Its where his knee dislocates, and is common in chihuahuas.

It did bring some anxiety for me because last time I did surgery on my chi, I had to put him to sleep. However Arthur is doing fantastic and if I let him he would run everywhere!

Update on my Pappy: He is home, but not well. Its a constant battle. No one seems to know what is wrong. He is on 20! YES 20! Medications. He has no desire to eat, and they are wanting to put him back in the hospital. Its so sad as I watch this. I want to be of more help, I want to be there to take care of him and I just want him to be ok. My family is struggling with his care, he needs so much help. I thought the road to recovery was near, I was wrong. I know it is a part of getting old, but I hate to see people helpless, with no answers. Thats the worst, and not to mention 20 medications? That alone would make me feel crazy. I am no doctor but that does seem absurd. I want him to be better for when Carter comes so he can share in the happiness of being a first time Great Grandfather. I know thats selfish, but can life ever just be normal?

On to whats going on with me. I am 34 weeks! Having some contractions, but nothing serious. Baby moves like a crazy man. I have noticed some swelling in my hands especially my right one when I wake up. BUT no swelling in face or feet, blood pressure is BEYOND fantastic, so it does not give me a reason to worry too much. I know some people freak out when they hear me say swelling, but I have not one other symptom, plus a reminder that swelling can also be NORMAL in pregnancy. So staying calm is the best for me at this moment. I am super tired and wondering why I decided to work until March 5? Ill get through it and my boss is great knowing that I may not always be there.

I meet with a pediatrician Monday.
The nursery furnatuire should be here Tuesday! (YESSSSSS)
Next week I am seen twice a week, and the week after that three times! WOO HOO!

March 10th here I come. Please Carter get those lungs mature!!

A Graphic for Cara

Maternity Photos

Preeclampsia Quilt Piece

  

This year I am participating in the quilt for Preeclampsia. You make a piece and it is sewn into a quilt with other babies or Mothers lost to Preeclampsia. This is the third PF Memory quilt. Currently there are 25 participants. This quilt will be displayed at a few Promise Walks - which ones - that is TBD. 

Here is a slideshow of past quilts!

PE QUILT

What you should know about "us"

I wish everyone would read this. The whole world. I dont even know where to begin. Here goes nothing. 

There once was a time where I thought my life was perfect. Bad things just dont happen to people like me. I have all four grandparents. Never experienced a death in the family. I was petrified of death. I also am ashamed to say this, but I will because I am not afraid to, and I know that many people feel this way but would never admit it.  People's misfortunes, sadness and heartache, never really effected me. Maybe its because I didnt share in it? Maybe it is because I was a oblivious, naive, young, inexperienced etc. Hearing of others sadness I would think about it for a moment and move on with my life. That stuff was just too sad and its not like it would happen to me anyways...Fast forward

I no longer have all four grandparents, and the first funeral I attended was my own daughters. So I am forever changed, and I am upset it took that much for me to realize that.

I am compassionate on all levels, and sometimes it still surprises me. What I put up with and what I do for others.  Every single BLM I know I think about almost daily. Every story of loss I hear I am so very sad. Weather its a pet, a family member, a child, a old friend from high school. It all hits home. I have to reach out because now I know that reaching out means so very much.

I had a few very best friends in high school, needless to say we are not friends anymore. Just lost contact, of course there is face book, and email. They did not contact me, to tell me they were sorry...nothing. You know who did? People I have never ever met. My husbands friends from highschool who I have never met. Friends of friends, and people I merely "knew" in high school. That meant so much to me. People I would assume just don't care, really truly did. Warms my heart! Please think about that the next time you hear of someone that is going through a loss. Reach out to them, it could help them in ways you would not imagine.

I truly feel like there are a lot of people that are just like the old me. Why read a blog about sad things? Why read about anything sad?  Even people in my life, people I know, people I am friends with. While you can't change the way one feels.I can honestly say every single person on this planet could really learn from someone who has gone through a life changing event. Weather its the loss of a child, a mother, or someone who has a child with special needs. Every single person who is going through something unimaginable can teach someone something. How to live and love. How to not fear death. Dont worry, its ineffective. Just because you loose your job, your car is totaled, or you got your purse stolen. That is nothing. Look around you.

There are some blogs that inspired me to write this post and I would like to share them with you.

Do you know what EB is? Its unimaginable...that is what it is. I read constantly about Tripp and am inspired by the patience love and understanding Courtnay has for her son.  Read about Tripp here

A mother that lost Twins due to HELLP, then lost her Rainbow baby at 23 weeks. Courtney is pregnant again and yet still has Happiness and Hope in her heart. Now thats inspiration. Read about Courtneys Journey

Then there is Kristine mother to Cora, who died at 5 days old  in her Mothers arms. She now saves lives. Find out how Cora saves lives!

These women are all inspiring and we could all learn a thing or two from how they bounced back from the depths, what they are doing to hold on to hope.

What should you know about "us"? Yes our lives have ultimate sadness, but you can learn from our sadness and how we made it bearable, how it forever changed "us" 

The date we have all been waiting for!

MARCH 10!

I never thought I would get far enough to actually plan a date for an amnio to be done. March 10th I will be a few days past 37 weeks! I know that I have a 50% chance of having a C section. I told the doctor "As long as my baby is alive."

Cheers to March 10th!

Harder

As I am getting closer to Carters arrival. The thought that I gave birth to a baby that was passed is more upsetting to me. It seems to be harder lately. All this joy of putting together his room. Planning, washing his clothes. Its different this time because I am not sick. I am enjoying it, last time I was overwhelmed with a sense of pending doom that I can't explain.

I am scared of seeing Carter. Im scared that I will realize how precious life and babies are and then I will be filled with grief that Cara can't be here. Im just scared for the overwhelming emotions of happiness for Carter and ultimate sadness for our Cara.

I miss her more, and lately I find myself not believing that I was THAT sick, that I actually am one of those people whose baby died. Its sad to realize that oh yah...this is my life. All the time people ask are you nervous? HELL NO. #1. the baby has to come out regardless of the situation. So why worry? Worrying is not effective! #2. I gave birth to a dead baby, I was vomiting, very sick and practically passing out...what could possibly be much worse than that? NO! I am not nervous. I am nervous only for the feelings that will surround me when Carter is born.

I am not scared of death as I used to be. I have now realized that everyone dies, just a matter of when and how that is the horrible part. Im tired of being and things being taken from me.