It just never ends

My grandfather is doing worse. I have not seen him since he was in rehab. Mainly because no one wanted me around him because he was so sick. Watching my mom, aunts and uncles helplessly try to find answers for him is so frustrating. He is rapidly losing weight, he won't eat (and for a man that is from Italy who loves pasta and food more than life is concerning.) I try not to think about it. I had two people in my family pass away within 6 months. I went from having all my family members and extended family to two less in six months. I can't do this again. Especially at a time like this. Im selfish, I want Carter to know this man who I ALWAYS looked up to and loved every second of my life.

Everyone always said how great it was I never experienced a family members death at my age. I disagree. Its harder, because you just think they will be around forever.

I feel helpless, I can't see him, can't help him. I am just sitting here waiting for some miracle. The strongest man I have known, is so frail. Why? We don't even know why. No one has answers.

Life is never easy, death is inevitable, but no one said it's easy. I hate it and I hate the fact that I have stared it in the face, my daughter and grandmother met the face of it. I don't want to loose anyone else.

And then im selfish again, thinking in a few short weeks I will be welcoming my son. I dont want to be saying goodbye too. I want everyone to be happy. I dont want to battle happiness and sorrow. I want my Mom to be happy, and not filled with sorrow and battle happiness at the same time. This is such an incredibly hard time on my family. Mainly because my Pappy who is 83 and Grammy who is 78 live in a two story 5 bedroom home. They have no help. Pappy was Grammy's caregiver (due to a 13 year battle with Hodgkins Lymphoma) Now she is his, and she is in no shape to take care of someone as sick as him.

I'm that person that wants to find immediate answers and fix things in any way I can. This time I can't.

I feel like every since I lost Cara, it has just been a shit show. One things after the next, never leaving me or my family with a dull moment. It never ever ends. It just never does...

This is where I am praying for some guardian angel to come in and take over...Cara sweetie...that is you!