I miss being pregnant

Yup. Call me crazy, but I do! More than likely it is because I was pregnant for practically two years! My last two years have revolved around creating life...lucky for my husband!

It could also be because this time around my pregnancy was as normal as a high risk chick that lost a baby and almost her life could be! I had my 6 week check up today and am still not healed (I did not have a c section...) so one would think that I would like to wait forever to be pregnant again. Pregnancy and birth is such an amazing thing, I still look at Carter sometimes and think he came out of where?! I am only 5 foot and was a size 4. (Was key factor still have 12 lbs to lose here!) I wanted to be weaned off Zoloft but my OB did not think that was such a good idea right now...sigh. All I know is I am not a fan of medication and do not want to be on it.

I am thinking next May will be when we will be able to try again. I have also decided we will not find out the sex, because I have girl stuff and boy stuff. Plus getting the room ready is not all that important since I know the baby will sooo not sleep in it. I want them in my room, and trust me if I could drag the huge ass crib in my room now I would!

Speaking of sleep, my deprivation is getting easier, Carter is sleeping about 4 hours before he wakes up for his first feeding, and honestly my body is adjusting like everyone said it would. (Dont you hate when everyone is right?)

I also broke down and ordered the Snuza Check it out here! In short this is its description :
What’s more important to you:
Knowing when your baby is crying?

Knowing when your baby is not moving?

 

Yes, it is good to know when your baby is crying and moving & needs your attention, but isn’t it even more important to know when they are completely still?

 

If you want to monitor your baby anywhere, anytime...snuza!

 

So that is what I did. Call me crazy all you want, but I want my child to stay alive, and I can;t help but think of the worst, not to mention if anything DID happen I would never forgive myself knowing that there were options. I want to do everything possible! Plus I will never put this child in his own room without some other reassurance. SIDS scares the shit out of me because a baby that is born premature is more prone to it.

 

I will leave you all with some Carter love!

God Parents

First off over 200 followers! Amazing! I am blessed! As is Cara and Carter!! They are their own little blogger celebrities :)

I first want to say that we have picked Carters God Parents!

My brother who is also Cara's God Father PAUL UNK!

As well as my Aunt Marge who is my Mothers brothers wife. We are very close with her and her family and ADORE her children! Her daughter was the flower girl in my wedding almost three years ago! Her son Carter will surely look up to! Aunt Marge will also be watching Carter one day a week! So he will be a very busy little boy!

Hoppy Easter!

 

Here comes Carter cottontail!

Another Sign

We are all in Carters room. My Father was giving him a bottle, and my Mother was helping me put away Carters laundry. I was busy picking out his clothes to wear for tomorrow...I picked out his little brother onsie. (I was not in view of my father or mother when they said this) "Tomorrow we are going to go buy flowers and take Carter to Cara" AS I AM HOLDING THE LITTLE BROTHER ONSIE!!!

So this past week there has been many Cara signs...I wonder why? I have only have a few in over a year and now to get like 4 in a few days is so strange!

A bit of sadness

Look at all these posts today! Wowzers!

I just have to say I think its sad that the good majority of  people that comment on my blog and facebook statuses when it has to do with Cara are my BLM's...what about everyone else? I thought she and I were more loved than that. Boo!

Nursing Negative

As much as I loved nursing, it did not work out. Instead I pumped and seldom nursed. Well one day I woke up, and got nothing...and I mean nothing. I tried more water, more pumping etc...I just did not produce quite enough to keep up with Carter who is now almost up to 5 oz a feeding!

So nursing and pumping has come to a stop. I am actually a bit more upset than I thought I would be. Its been two whole days without pumping and I still have all my equipment out because I just cant bare to put it away. I did it for 7 weeks, but I was really hoping at least for 12 weeks!

In the back of my mind I know with going back to work I just do not have the time to devote to exclusively pumping for him and just giving him breast milk. With Carter being in the NICU for a week, that is when we decided to introduce formula as I was being discharged and he was not. I think that really screwed things up. I wish that there was a way I could just pump once a day and get enough to at least feed him one bottle a day, but I found myself pumping for over a half hour and getting 2oz if I was lucky total!

bummed.

Sleep?

Sleep? Whats that?

Carters sleep patterns began a bit hectic as I am sure all babies are! We finally figured out that he would not go to bed after he woke for a feeding due to his reflux. Now that he is on Zantac, he has a schedule! Yay Carter man! He goes down around 830-10 somewhere in there...although sometimes he won't go to sleep until 11. Either way he is back up around 2 and 5. The 5 am feeding is the hardest for sure! I always kiss him when he wakes me up and smile. I always get so happy to see him, even if it is 2am! I am just so happy he is awake and needing me. Some people say it will get old, well 7 weeks have passed and not old yet!

When we bought him home he slept with us, because the bassinet thing freaked me out! I would spend more time worrying about him because he was not close to me! I actually fell asleep on the bassinet watching him sleep. We did after a few days put him in bed with us where he slept in my arms. I know a lot of people do that but I have heard too many stories of people suffocating their infants when they sleep with them, so I did not think that was fair to Carter obviously, so I purchased this Co sleeper that actually attaches to your bed in between Kyle and I. That is how we slept for about two weeks. I recently found this Rock and Play by Fisher Price that is an elevated sleep rocker for him to sleep in! It is much better for babies with reflux to sleep on a bit of an incline. After his feedings at night laying him flat would cause him to be fussy for about a half hour after putting him down, so this Rock and Play really seems to help! What we do for sleep right? So now we have a Rock and Play sleeper, Bassinet, Co sleeper!! I could open a store!

Baby Lyla Update

I am saddned to know that Baby Lyla will not be coming home today or anytime in the near future.

This is her story taken from Amelia's Caring bridge webpage

Lyla Elizabeth Hendryx
Born January 25, 2011
5lbs 3oz
18" long

Thus began the journey...

Immediately after birth Lyla was taken to the NICU at Edward Hospital (where she was born) because of difficulties breathing and with concerns based on head shape and size.

For the next 3 weeks, many, many tests were run on Lyla to begin understanding some of the complications she was exhibiting.
She was diagnosed with a partial deletion of chromosome 19.  There are only 5 known cases.
One of the characteristics Lyla has is Cranial Stenosis (cranial meaning of the skull, stenosis meaning fused) = fusing of the skull.

She also diagnosed with Laryngomalacia (Laryngomalacia is the most frequent cause of stridor or noisy breathing in infants. It occurs as a result of a floppy portion of the larynx (voice box) that has not yet developed the strength to provide rigid support of the airway. During inspiration, negative pressure is created through the larynx, which results in a collapse of these structures into the airway and a narrower breathing passage. The partial obstruction is the source of the noise with breathing.) ---This is believed to be something separate from the Chromosome.

After becoming stable with a little weight gain and steady breathing with oxygen, the doctors felt she was ready to come home.  She spent 3 weeks total in the NICU.
3wks:
5lbs 8oz
19.5" long

Once home, she began to struggle with weight gain. We worked closely with lactation and Dr. Olsen (our pediatrician) to find the best solution to help her begin gaining the proper amount of weight.
We began putting her on Polycose, a high calorie fortifier to be mixed in with expressed breast milk.

Shortly after beginning the Polycose, we noticed that she began eating less and spitting up more.  Both not good strides in getting her put on the weight she needed.

On March 10th, we took her to see Dr. Olsen for a check-in because of these 2 factors. At that time, he decided to have her admitted back to Edward for additional airway testing.

After being admitted into the PICU, it was noticed that her O2 levels and respiratory rates were very low.  They did a blood draw to get an accurate reading of all of her levels. At that time, it was discovered that her CO2 levels were dangerously HIGH!  The doctors explained this was the reason why she was not thriving with weight gain.  Her body was using her nutrients to work over-time to push the CO2 out through the kidneys as opposed to breathing.
The decided course of action would be to put her on a very high flow of O2 to get her breathing better.  She also began having apnea spells in the hospital.  The doctors believed that the apnea was caused by a neurological disorder called: Central Apnea.  (Central meaning Brain).  Overnight, they did a sleep apnea study on her.  The next morning they did another blood draw to read levels and learned that her CO2 levels had continued to rise.
At this time, the doctors had a very tough conversation with us.  They explained that because the levels were rising and not dropping that she would enter a fatal state in which her body would begin to shut down to the point of death.
The immediate options they believed she needed were intervention of being intubated or to have a tracheotomy and ventilator system administered.  Both of these they would be life long needs.

It was decided that the University of Chicago was the best place for her because we had already met with the neuro and plastic surgeons that are on staff there and knew that's where we needed to be because they are the best in their fields so we know the rest of that hospital are as well.

Lyla was admitted by 5PM....


Last night Amelia was given the fantastic news that her and David would be able to take their sweet little girl home, until Skull surgery. Today they found out that last night's sleep study revealed a airway obstruction and now they are talking Tracheotomy. 


This has been such a hard time for the Hendryx family and I can't imagine what they are going through. All I know is I am here to offer them any support they need. I think about them daily! My heart is so sad for them! I just want this to end. I want Lyla to be better! 


Please read more about Lyla and share your support with the family here
Lyla's Story

Three

I do not get many signs of Cara, but when I do they sure are without a doubt signs of her! I

Today has three signs...

It started today at the dentist office. I was asked about my health history and how I found out I had Factor V. I responded with "Well its complicated, I lost my daughter..." blah blah...and then I hear it...The song that on November 21, 2009 was in my head upon waking up on the day of my daughters funeral. The song that the first time I went to visit Cara came on when I pulled in the cemetery. The song that forever reminds me of her, and seems to come on whenever we are doing something for her or talking about her. "Heres to Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts. Its the song that plays in the video that was made for her as well. I hardly hear that song anymore, and it was quite odd that it played when I was speaking of her.

Second sign today was on my way home from the dentist I stopped at einstein bagels. The Cashier asked for a girls name for her order and she said "Cara." Im like ok....

Third...on my way to take Carter to his appointment today and driving I happen to glance over at a parked car that liscenses plates read "Cara" I literally said outloud to myself "shut up!!" and then of course missed my turn!

A bit erie! My day is not over yet! This is the most of Cara I have seen in one day! Next month will mark a year and a half that she has been gone.

Heartache

I recently found out about a little boy that passed away on the day that Carter was born. (So really not so recent...but this has been on my mind) His name was Mason and he was 4 months old. He died in his sleep, cause really unknown. Now this hit me hard. Harder than I would have imagined. You would think I am used to loss by now, as I surround myself with lots of loving BLM's...and that's all we know ...but this is different.

Now that I have a son, a living child, I could never in 2974 million years imagine losing him. Cara was never alive in the outside world. Yes it is horrible and a loss is a loss either way, but losing a child that has smiled at you, cried for you and is living is just different. On another note, maybe it's not, I dont know. I can't imagine what Mason's mother had to go through. It haunts me. I know how painful losing a child that was never alive was, so I can't imagine. I just can't, there are simply no words what so ever. I do not personally know her, but I sent her a card in the mail. It was the least I could do to reach out to her.

This is such a cruel world. He was such a beautiful baby boy. I wish no one would have to suffer from loss, of any sort.

Mommy loves you!

Safe to say...

I think that since I am one day away from being 6 weeks out from giving birth. I am Preeclampsia and HELLP free this pregnancy and post pardum! I had some labile pressures towards the end of my pregnancy, and I think had I gone another few weeks, PE could have reared its ugly head, but it did not! I am so grateful! It was no fun worrying about it all 8 months, but so worth all the worrying in the end of course! This all makes me a little excited that trying again is possible. A pregnancy without PE is possible! I think we will wait about a year and a half, but I would like to do it again! Carter is so amazing, and I do not mind the throw up, pee'd on life I now have...in fact I love it!!

I had to reschedule my 6 week check up for another week, but no major problems to report. Of course I am still a bit sore, but I can imagine that is normal!I have been nursing and pumping, although I am not a fan of nursing because Carter does not latch on for long and due to his NICU stay I think he takes to a bottle better. I could not be there in the NICU with him 24 hours a day for a week, so they had to supplement with formula, and I was not producing anything after he was born. Im still supplementing because I am not producing enough to keep up with what he eats, if my supply does not get better when I go back to work, I may be ending the pumping/nursing. At least I did it for the first 2 months if I do quit! That is the most important time!

I start back to work just on Saturday's tomorrow and go back my three days May 5. I miss my coworkers and my clients! I am excited to get back into a routine! My life is all about schedules and routines. Not near as bad as it was before I lost Cara. Losing her made me realize you just can't plan EVERYTHING about life.

Carter is doing great! Grew out of his newborn clothes :) Bittersweet! The older he gets the more I wonder what Cara would be doing, or what she would have done. Carter laughs in his sleep out of nowhere and I like to think Cara is in his dreams, teasing him or telling him a funny story of his Momma...lord knows there are plenty to tell! I was and still am quite the goof. Although lately I have to say my lack of sleep has made me grouchy and on edge, again I am sure that is normal!

Carter loves his Daddy!

Getting caught up!

Let me get everyone caught up!

Has it really been almost a year and a half? These last two years have aged me beyond words. I see wrinkles, grey hairs...ugh. Its all worth it of course...I guess...if you call losing a child somewhere in between worth it.

 It almost feels like the everything was jumbled together up until my pregnancy with Carter. My pregnancy with him was no easy by any means, it was stressful, but in the end of course I would do it again. I did enjoy it as much as I could, but I think anyone who loses a child never really "enjoys" any part of pregnancy, unless its the part where the baby is born alive.

The past month has been full of adjustments of course. Going to school is still in the back of my mind, however financially with Carter's NICU stay and with a lot of unknowns in the financial department on my husband and I's behalf that will have to be put on hold.

Right now I am having a bit of a hard time with some things, my new body is an adjustment. All my size small, or 4 jeans do not fit. I literally had to get a new wardrobe...after all I am a stylist and going back to work next week! I have an additional 13 lbs to lose. Not easy when you are 5 foot. I was always a work out a holic, running, weights etc...now just finding the energy to wake up is hard enough. It is very hard on me mentally not being able to work out, and keep in mind I was basically pregnant for almost two years!! Another thing that bugs me is that I was on modified bed rest for over a month...all my muscles are gone! So even walking the mall puts me in pain. Sooo not good when you are an instant gratification kind of girl.

As for work, I am excited to go back. I am surrounded at home with people I 100% trust with Carter, including my husband. I never would have to leave him a list and he would never call to ask what to do! It is great! I would love to be a stay at home mom, aside from the financial reasons, I just mentally could not do it. I am a busy body, a people person. Plus I 100% LOVE doing hair!

As for Carter at his one month check up he was 8lbs 12oz. He is barely fitting into his newborn clothes anymore...sad! He gets cuter everyday. I cant describe to anyone how much he resembles his sister. His nose and chin kill me!! Many times when I look at him I immediately see and think of her.

During Carters first week home I was so scared for him or myself to go to sleep in fear of losing him. Hubby and I have sense purchased a bassinet type thing that goes in bed with us, attaches to our bed right in between us both! Hubs was not thrilled, as he is a big guy, but hey...piece of mind is always priceless.

On a funny note, Carter has on obsession with fans! Constantly staring at them and they do not even have to be moving!

Pictures say enough