Wowzers, 192 blog followers. Welcome to all you newbies!! I am blessed there are that many people who care enough to follow my journey!! I do read each and every comment and smile.
If anyone has any questions for me, personal, about my loss, about Cara or Carter, feel free to ask!!!
P.S. if your new, it would be great to leave me a comment on how you found me, and a bit about yourself! I like to get to know my readers!!
Thursday, March 31, 2011
I hate the letters P & E
PE...stands for the dreaded word preeclampsia. You should all be very acquainted with that word by now. If not...you can go here! In short preeclampsia is what took Cara from us.
If you would like to make a difference, and help save the lives of mothers and babies world wide you can donate to our walk for preeclampsia. Even 5$ will help team Cara Angel
Donate here :)
If you would like to make a difference, and help save the lives of mothers and babies world wide you can donate to our walk for preeclampsia. Even 5$ will help team Cara Angel
Donate here :)
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Brother & Sister
This pic was made by a dear friend...
This is the picture that has made my day.
This is the picture that I wish no one would have to want.
This is the picture that no words can explain
This is the picture that has made my day.
This is the picture that I wish no one would have to want.
This is the picture that no words can explain
Anxiety
There once was a time where I was carefree. Never a care about my health, and when people talked about how they had anxiety I would often wonder why they worry and that maybe they were just nuts.
Now look at me and my pill case and my little blue zoloft pill. Sigh...
I was always a very high energy person, very type a personality. Very outgoing, but never anxiety.
I dont even know if anxiety is the word? Or is it PTSD? I feel anxious. This obviously started when I had Cara. It was horrible, I have blogged about it before and do not want to get into it, but it was not good. It subsided I would say about 5 months after my loss. I did not really have it when I was pregnant, and I think I handled Carters pregnancy fantastic given my history and all the unknowns of the BLM world.
After Carter came it started again. I know some of it is normal, and it is typically bad at night, which it always was, but I did not expect it to happen again. What if's still go through my mind. I feel like all I do is sit in the home in my pajamas. I feel sleep deprived. DO NOT take this the wrong way I am happy I am sleep deprived, happy my son is here safe in my arms even if he can be a crabby butt at times, but I am not liking this anxious feeling. Maybe it is because I am sleep deprived? I dont know? I am already on zoloft, which I want to be taken off of because of Carters withdraws after birth.
I am a very routine person, and I think going back to work will help this anxiety. I hope. I go back April 16th on saturdays then March 5 three days a week. It gives me something to do.
I find myself thinking if I could go through with another pregnancy again. I know Carter is only 3 weeks old, but I constantly wonder if I will be able tp provide him with a sibling. My husband was one of 7, I have 5 Aunts and Uncles on just one side, so I can't imagine my son being a single sibling. So that is constantly on my mind now.
The fear us BLM's live with that most other mom's that have not experienced loss never feel, is horrible. We think of every possible thing that can go wrong. You think it will be over once you bring home your rainbow...its not, sorry to disappoint you. I even thought that once I have Carter I will be healed, no more fear, all happiness and rainbows...and that is not the case. I am realizing that I will never be healed.
Now look at me and my pill case and my little blue zoloft pill. Sigh...
I was always a very high energy person, very type a personality. Very outgoing, but never anxiety.
I dont even know if anxiety is the word? Or is it PTSD? I feel anxious. This obviously started when I had Cara. It was horrible, I have blogged about it before and do not want to get into it, but it was not good. It subsided I would say about 5 months after my loss. I did not really have it when I was pregnant, and I think I handled Carters pregnancy fantastic given my history and all the unknowns of the BLM world.
After Carter came it started again. I know some of it is normal, and it is typically bad at night, which it always was, but I did not expect it to happen again. What if's still go through my mind. I feel like all I do is sit in the home in my pajamas. I feel sleep deprived. DO NOT take this the wrong way I am happy I am sleep deprived, happy my son is here safe in my arms even if he can be a crabby butt at times, but I am not liking this anxious feeling. Maybe it is because I am sleep deprived? I dont know? I am already on zoloft, which I want to be taken off of because of Carters withdraws after birth.
I am a very routine person, and I think going back to work will help this anxiety. I hope. I go back April 16th on saturdays then March 5 three days a week. It gives me something to do.
I find myself thinking if I could go through with another pregnancy again. I know Carter is only 3 weeks old, but I constantly wonder if I will be able tp provide him with a sibling. My husband was one of 7, I have 5 Aunts and Uncles on just one side, so I can't imagine my son being a single sibling. So that is constantly on my mind now.
The fear us BLM's live with that most other mom's that have not experienced loss never feel, is horrible. We think of every possible thing that can go wrong. You think it will be over once you bring home your rainbow...its not, sorry to disappoint you. I even thought that once I have Carter I will be healed, no more fear, all happiness and rainbows...and that is not the case. I am realizing that I will never be healed.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
A little bit of this & a little of that
Being a mom is so rewarding. I watch my son change every day and he already looks bigger to me! Part of me wants to fast forward to when he can sleep through the night or when he is around 1 so the risk of sids drops, but then I am sure more worries will arise.
I am exclusively pumping for him, as his prematurity has made it hard to breastfeed, because he just falls asleep, plus I like to see how much he is actually getting. Carter goes about 2.5-3 hours and has about 3 oz...at night we supplement with forumla because there is no way I would get up Pump for a half hour before his feedings, I would never sleep. Speaking of sleep, Carter really did well the first two weeks. Going on this third has been tough, he does not want to fall asleep before 1 am. I am constantly up with him and I actually fell asleep over the bassinet. Sigh...sleep deprivation has a new meaning...thats for sure. I wonder if he has colic? Or refulx? Either way I will take any suggestions anyone has! I did purchase the book Happiest Mom on the Block, as well as Gripe water! Hopefully that provides us with some relief.
I dont dread leaving him like most mom's say that do. I have already gone to get my nails done, grocery shopping etc. I do dread going back to work, only because I get anxiety about sleep. What if I dont get any sleep at all? How will I function? How will I make it? I am only going back three days a week, and am so excited to do so, but the sleep thing has me anxious. I have dealt with sleep problems in my past, so it conjures up some old issues. My Aunt will be watching him one day a week, and I am so blessed to have such amazing family. I would trust her with anything!! I leave him right now only with my parents or brother. My brother has really surprised me on how much he wants to be involved with Carter. We have decided to make him the godfather of Carter as well! As for the godmother we are still up in the air. We really want to choose someone who can be at all his functionings, etc. I think either way...whoever we choose will hurt someone's feelings.
I have a lot on my mind lately too. Wer are trying so hard to save for a down payment on a home and were half way there and now getting slammed with medical bills. Just food for thought...Carters one week NICU stay was over 35,000$!!!! That is what we would owe if we did NOT have insurance, but still I dread seeing the final bill! The past two years have been very tough on my husband's and I's finances. With the bills from losing Cara, and with how sick I was, and all my medical care 3 months after delivery, it would have been nice to have a normal delivery free of NICU, but all that matters is that I have my son here and he is healthy. This too shall pass. It just may be another full year until we can actually afford a home. SIGH...
When I think of all of this I tell myself worrying is like a rocking chair...gets you nowhere...
I dont dread leaving him like most mom's say that do. I have already gone to get my nails done, grocery shopping etc. I do dread going back to work, only because I get anxiety about sleep. What if I dont get any sleep at all? How will I function? How will I make it? I am only going back three days a week, and am so excited to do so, but the sleep thing has me anxious. I have dealt with sleep problems in my past, so it conjures up some old issues. My Aunt will be watching him one day a week, and I am so blessed to have such amazing family. I would trust her with anything!! I leave him right now only with my parents or brother. My brother has really surprised me on how much he wants to be involved with Carter. We have decided to make him the godfather of Carter as well! As for the godmother we are still up in the air. We really want to choose someone who can be at all his functionings, etc. I think either way...whoever we choose will hurt someone's feelings.
I have a lot on my mind lately too. Wer are trying so hard to save for a down payment on a home and were half way there and now getting slammed with medical bills. Just food for thought...Carters one week NICU stay was over 35,000$!!!! That is what we would owe if we did NOT have insurance, but still I dread seeing the final bill! The past two years have been very tough on my husband's and I's finances. With the bills from losing Cara, and with how sick I was, and all my medical care 3 months after delivery, it would have been nice to have a normal delivery free of NICU, but all that matters is that I have my son here and he is healthy. This too shall pass. It just may be another full year until we can actually afford a home. SIGH...
When I think of all of this I tell myself worrying is like a rocking chair...gets you nowhere...
Friday, March 18, 2011
Loving Lyla
Hi everyone!
I have a very dear friend who I met through the loss of our daughter. Amelia & David, have a 5 year old son, and November 2009 lost their daughter Brenna at full term due to an accidental cord accident.
Fast forward, Amelia & David found out they were Pregnant and their daughter Lyla was born with complications a few short months ago. Lyla has spent most of her days in the hospital, and Amelia and David and Zach struggle day to day emotionally.
As most of you know Carter was in the NICU for a week, and it was the scariest week of my life. No one can tell you how scary the NICU is after losing your first child, all that goes through your head, is "Could this happen again" I can't imagine what they are going through.
Please read their story here, you can also donate through the website to help little Lyla, even 10$ would be fantastic as they are driving over an hour to see her, as she is downtown chicago
Lyla's Story
I have a very dear friend who I met through the loss of our daughter. Amelia & David, have a 5 year old son, and November 2009 lost their daughter Brenna at full term due to an accidental cord accident.
Fast forward, Amelia & David found out they were Pregnant and their daughter Lyla was born with complications a few short months ago. Lyla has spent most of her days in the hospital, and Amelia and David and Zach struggle day to day emotionally.
As most of you know Carter was in the NICU for a week, and it was the scariest week of my life. No one can tell you how scary the NICU is after losing your first child, all that goes through your head, is "Could this happen again" I can't imagine what they are going through.
Please read their story here, you can also donate through the website to help little Lyla, even 10$ would be fantastic as they are driving over an hour to see her, as she is downtown chicago
Lyla's Story
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Odd
I don't believe in ghosts. I am one of those people I have to see it to believe it. I believe in spirits, that people live on through what you do in their memory etc.
Last night the stranges thing happened, and I woudl think I am nuts if my husband did not witness this. Maybe there is an explination behind this...maybe not. Nonetheless...odd.
Carter Man had me up most of the night, around 2 am I decided to turn on the tv, while flipping through the channels, I heard vibration and music...I stopped turned around and Carters bassinet was on, vibrating, music playing, lights flickering and mobile turning. I looked at my husband and said, "There is no way this remote would have somehow turned on the bassinet right?" He told me no, it is not a universal remote. The remote to the bassinet was tucked away in the bassinet pocket. Now mind you when you turn it on, there are different push buttons for each mode (vibrate, music) etc.
Maybe there is some logical explanation, still very strange, and I have never seen anything like that.
Last night the stranges thing happened, and I woudl think I am nuts if my husband did not witness this. Maybe there is an explination behind this...maybe not. Nonetheless...odd.
Carter Man had me up most of the night, around 2 am I decided to turn on the tv, while flipping through the channels, I heard vibration and music...I stopped turned around and Carters bassinet was on, vibrating, music playing, lights flickering and mobile turning. I looked at my husband and said, "There is no way this remote would have somehow turned on the bassinet right?" He told me no, it is not a universal remote. The remote to the bassinet was tucked away in the bassinet pocket. Now mind you when you turn it on, there are different push buttons for each mode (vibrate, music) etc.
Maybe there is some logical explanation, still very strange, and I have never seen anything like that.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Daddy's Birthday Gift!
He truly is my best friend! He would do anything for me, his family, my family, our family, etc. He is also one of the hardest workers I know, and I have always loved how much patience he has in whatever he does. (Especially patience with me)
Happy Birthday to the best husband and father around!
Kyle is going to get the best birthday present ever today! Today Carter man comes home! Yayyy Carter.
The doctors today are confident that his issues were due to prematurity, Zoloft withdraws and a bit of pulmonary hypertension. (which resolves over time)
A rapid breathing, hypoxia (low oxygen level in the blood)
All Carters tests came back normal. Yes he has some faster breathing episodes, it mainly is now after he eats, which doctor said can be normal because he is a bit premature. His lungs, diaphragm and heart all look good, so with that being said this could also just be the way Carter breaths for now. When his fast breathing does occur, Carters Co2 levels do not drop anymore which is good. His blood gasses (How much oxygen is in the blood) were in the 40's and 50's which are normal. All in all doctors feel we have exhausted every option and are confident in sending our little guy home as am I!!
Monday, March 14, 2011
Mystery man
Yup. Thats what they call you Mr. Carter!
As you know his echo came back normal. Diaphragm ultrasound...normal. They decided against a floroscopy because his chest Xray was normal.
Kyle and I both have noticed less of the rapid breathing, he still has it but it does not seem to be as bad. He is now back up to his birth weight! His oxygen levels stay in the mid 90's most of the time. When they dip they can go all the way to 86, but come right back up. That is the part I dislike and still question why the drop. He still has a higher heart rate, but he always has, and hey I have tachycardia (High heart rate) So why wouldn't my son ;)
There is still some talk that since I was on a SSRI in pregnancy (Zoloft) that it could be withdraws.
Doctor said tonight that we need to feel comfortable taking him home, because I asked what our plan of action is now that they can't find anything. I dont know what would make me feel comfortable? I am going to ask that we repeat his car seat test. Its hard to feel comfortable when they are basically telling me that yes he is breathing hard from time to time and his O2 levels drop but they dont know why. I guess I feel a bit better knowing it is NOT his heart.
I need to be careful what I wish for the in the furture...that or I need to start wishing for millions. I always said through this pregnancy, I would rather have my son in the NICU for a few weeks, that I just wanted him here safe before I got Preeclampsia (Since I was having some higher pressures). With that being said I really retract that statement. The NICU is harder than I could have imagined. Its two steps forward and one step back, its scary. You find yourself watching the monitors go up and down and wonder what every little beep means. Plus not to mention you never know when your child will come home. There never seems to be a direct answer. Its just scary...plain scary!
As you know his echo came back normal. Diaphragm ultrasound...normal. They decided against a floroscopy because his chest Xray was normal.
Kyle and I both have noticed less of the rapid breathing, he still has it but it does not seem to be as bad. He is now back up to his birth weight! His oxygen levels stay in the mid 90's most of the time. When they dip they can go all the way to 86, but come right back up. That is the part I dislike and still question why the drop. He still has a higher heart rate, but he always has, and hey I have tachycardia (High heart rate) So why wouldn't my son ;)
There is still some talk that since I was on a SSRI in pregnancy (Zoloft) that it could be withdraws.
Doctor said tonight that we need to feel comfortable taking him home, because I asked what our plan of action is now that they can't find anything. I dont know what would make me feel comfortable? I am going to ask that we repeat his car seat test. Its hard to feel comfortable when they are basically telling me that yes he is breathing hard from time to time and his O2 levels drop but they dont know why. I guess I feel a bit better knowing it is NOT his heart.
I need to be careful what I wish for the in the furture...that or I need to start wishing for millions. I always said through this pregnancy, I would rather have my son in the NICU for a few weeks, that I just wanted him here safe before I got Preeclampsia (Since I was having some higher pressures). With that being said I really retract that statement. The NICU is harder than I could have imagined. Its two steps forward and one step back, its scary. You find yourself watching the monitors go up and down and wonder what every little beep means. Plus not to mention you never know when your child will come home. There never seems to be a direct answer. Its just scary...plain scary!
Who me?
I have been so overwhelmed with Carter that I have forgotten to update you all with my health, and how I am feeling! I am sure you PE survivors are wondering how its going, as I had HELLP after my last delivery.
I am feeling great! Seriously!! My pressures are a bit higher 120's over high 80's low 90's but sometimes I get some 70's. I am not swelling, no headaches, vision changes etc. I have lost a good 14 lbs so far. I gained a total somewhere between 30 and 33 lbs. Every passing day my chance for PP PE lessens. I am now one week two days out. I am confident that it should not rear it's ugly head.
Emotionally I am overwhelmed. I am behind on the preeclampsia forums, behind on people's blogs. I know many of you think its easy to just forget about all those things and rest, but that has been my way of coping and healing and dealing with what happened to me November 17 2009. I cant just stop now. I know many BLMs that stop blogging once their Rainbows are here or stop using the forums, and that is their choice, I however can't do that. Those two things have been my therapy and healing the past almost 2 years! I feel so much better knowing I can help others on the forums, and feel wayyyy better blogging and keeping up with the things that have helped me some this far. I am not addicted to facebook or my blog, ( I mean I guess you can say I am if you want) Emotionally I need those things in my life. It is what helps me deal.
This year the promise walk is May 22. I have already decided we will not be walking in March of Dimes even though I really want to especially now that Carter has a stay in the NICU. We will however be walking in the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia. I am already overwhelmed that last year I raised over 2,000$ and this year I know I wont because I just do not have the time to devote to that. If you would like to donate even just 5$ the button is on my site on the upper right hand corner) I am a volunteer for the foundation and was really hoping to participate in more calls and all around participate in helping plan for the walk, but I just don't think that will happen. At least I can be there, and look forward to next year. We of course will always be Team Cara with the pink and white hats!
I consider blogging, facebooking etc another job, and its a job that I love!
I am feeling great! Seriously!! My pressures are a bit higher 120's over high 80's low 90's but sometimes I get some 70's. I am not swelling, no headaches, vision changes etc. I have lost a good 14 lbs so far. I gained a total somewhere between 30 and 33 lbs. Every passing day my chance for PP PE lessens. I am now one week two days out. I am confident that it should not rear it's ugly head.
Emotionally I am overwhelmed. I am behind on the preeclampsia forums, behind on people's blogs. I know many of you think its easy to just forget about all those things and rest, but that has been my way of coping and healing and dealing with what happened to me November 17 2009. I cant just stop now. I know many BLMs that stop blogging once their Rainbows are here or stop using the forums, and that is their choice, I however can't do that. Those two things have been my therapy and healing the past almost 2 years! I feel so much better knowing I can help others on the forums, and feel wayyyy better blogging and keeping up with the things that have helped me some this far. I am not addicted to facebook or my blog, ( I mean I guess you can say I am if you want) Emotionally I need those things in my life. It is what helps me deal.
This year the promise walk is May 22. I have already decided we will not be walking in March of Dimes even though I really want to especially now that Carter has a stay in the NICU. We will however be walking in the Promise Walk for Preeclampsia. I am already overwhelmed that last year I raised over 2,000$ and this year I know I wont because I just do not have the time to devote to that. If you would like to donate even just 5$ the button is on my site on the upper right hand corner) I am a volunteer for the foundation and was really hoping to participate in more calls and all around participate in helping plan for the walk, but I just don't think that will happen. At least I can be there, and look forward to next year. We of course will always be Team Cara with the pink and white hats!
I consider blogging, facebooking etc another job, and its a job that I love!
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Status Quo
Everything is pretty much the same over here. Carter did get his EKG results back. They were fine. However the doctor did say it showed a narrowing of an artery, but it was nothing to be concerned about. Oh yah ok...me not be concerned about that? If its not normal...Im concerned.
Tomorrow we will meet with a Cardiologist as well as a Pulmonary specialist. I am just looking for answers. Im prepared if it's good, I am prepared if it is bad. I just want something to grasp...anything.
I only had ONE normal day in Mother baby with my son, then it all went haywire. I walk past all these rooms and hear babies crying, and then once again I am stuck without mine. I am craving normalcy. I think I deserve that much right? Last night we went to the ER at 1am and did not come home until 6am, woke up at 9 to check on Carter, and by noon I was up pumping and getting ready to go see our boy. So really I am running on empty.
My husband lost it today in the car...just crying...and he is the strong one. We are just so scared, we know all too well that anything can happen.
As for Carter I will give you all some medical "stuff" so if any of you have experienced something similar we would love to hear your feed back.
*Carters 02 levels fluctuate between low 80's and 100. Rarely 100, hardly low 80's. If they do drop to low 80's they go right back up...but of course after he takes some heavy breaths. When they go back up they are around 94. They pretty much stay around 94.
* Carters blood ox level I believe was 59 so a bit elevated.
*EKG came back nortmal with exception of the narrowing of one artery, (mild)
*Chest Xray normal.
The doctors seemed stumped, calling him a mystery. He is eating, pooping, peeing, crying and looks 100% healthy.
I guess they are still saying that there is still a chance that this is nothing, that he just breathes abnormally, and he will grow out of it. There is a chance that he is still transitioning and getting used to the outside world as a preemie. We just don't know.
My husband and I are staying at the hospital in mother baby again. We spend more our day updating people and with Carter. I hope we can stay till at least wednesday so we can get more clarification on what is going on.
Tomorrow we will meet with a Cardiologist as well as a Pulmonary specialist. I am just looking for answers. Im prepared if it's good, I am prepared if it is bad. I just want something to grasp...anything.
I only had ONE normal day in Mother baby with my son, then it all went haywire. I walk past all these rooms and hear babies crying, and then once again I am stuck without mine. I am craving normalcy. I think I deserve that much right? Last night we went to the ER at 1am and did not come home until 6am, woke up at 9 to check on Carter, and by noon I was up pumping and getting ready to go see our boy. So really I am running on empty.
My husband lost it today in the car...just crying...and he is the strong one. We are just so scared, we know all too well that anything can happen.
As for Carter I will give you all some medical "stuff" so if any of you have experienced something similar we would love to hear your feed back.
*Carters 02 levels fluctuate between low 80's and 100. Rarely 100, hardly low 80's. If they do drop to low 80's they go right back up...but of course after he takes some heavy breaths. When they go back up they are around 94. They pretty much stay around 94.
* Carters blood ox level I believe was 59 so a bit elevated.
*EKG came back nortmal with exception of the narrowing of one artery, (mild)
*Chest Xray normal.
The doctors seemed stumped, calling him a mystery. He is eating, pooping, peeing, crying and looks 100% healthy.
I guess they are still saying that there is still a chance that this is nothing, that he just breathes abnormally, and he will grow out of it. There is a chance that he is still transitioning and getting used to the outside world as a preemie. We just don't know.
My husband and I are staying at the hospital in mother baby again. We spend more our day updating people and with Carter. I hope we can stay till at least wednesday so we can get more clarification on what is going on.
Returns
When we left the NICU we were told they do not take returns. They like to see those babies stay home! Carter of course is the exception.
Last night around 11 I noticed my husband watching Carters chest. As soon as my husband gets concerned my radar goes up. Carters breathing was rapid, ans was just in general different. I watched him for an hour. Never stopped. I figured if my husband and I were questioning this, its enough to call.
Around 1am we called the on call doctor who was wonderful. We were told to head to the ER. At the ER his oxygen levels would go from around 87-100. They are supposed to be high 90's and stay there. The head of the NICU came in himself to look at Carter as not many babies are "returned" after leaving the NICU. That is when we learned he would have to be readmitted. OF COURSE I was told that was rare...which in return meaning simply nothing to me. Everything about my life is rare. I just want to be normal. Live a normal life with a normal son.
The NICU doc said there are three things he is looking at as a possibility. 1. Its normal. Its Carters normal yet "abnormal" breathing pattern. 2. A paralyzed diaphram on one side which is causing him to breathe harder. Which I believe is surgical intervention. 3. A heart issue.
Carters blood gas levels were fine. Chest xray fine. No infection. So, now we wait on a Echo of the heart as well as a test to see if this is his diaphragm.This makes me believe that it was not the TTN, that he may have never had that to begin with.
Last night when they settled him into his room it was around 5am. So I am guessing you could say it was today. We had not slept in 24 hours. We had to go home to rest. We asked if we could stay at the hospital with him, but all the rooms in mother baby were full. We will ask again today. I do not want to leave him. It was so incredibly hard seeing him back in there. Its like walking backwards.
I just want to move away from this and I cant seem to get far enough away.
Last night around 11 I noticed my husband watching Carters chest. As soon as my husband gets concerned my radar goes up. Carters breathing was rapid, ans was just in general different. I watched him for an hour. Never stopped. I figured if my husband and I were questioning this, its enough to call.
Around 1am we called the on call doctor who was wonderful. We were told to head to the ER. At the ER his oxygen levels would go from around 87-100. They are supposed to be high 90's and stay there. The head of the NICU came in himself to look at Carter as not many babies are "returned" after leaving the NICU. That is when we learned he would have to be readmitted. OF COURSE I was told that was rare...which in return meaning simply nothing to me. Everything about my life is rare. I just want to be normal. Live a normal life with a normal son.
The NICU doc said there are three things he is looking at as a possibility. 1. Its normal. Its Carters normal yet "abnormal" breathing pattern. 2. A paralyzed diaphram on one side which is causing him to breathe harder. Which I believe is surgical intervention. 3. A heart issue.
Carters blood gas levels were fine. Chest xray fine. No infection. So, now we wait on a Echo of the heart as well as a test to see if this is his diaphragm.This makes me believe that it was not the TTN, that he may have never had that to begin with.
Last night when they settled him into his room it was around 5am. So I am guessing you could say it was today. We had not slept in 24 hours. We had to go home to rest. We asked if we could stay at the hospital with him, but all the rooms in mother baby were full. We will ask again today. I do not want to leave him. It was so incredibly hard seeing him back in there. Its like walking backwards.
I just want to move away from this and I cant seem to get far enough away.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
It great to be a great!
Today Carter got to meet his Great Grammy & Pappy! What a fantastic time! Pappy is finally starting to get back on his feet, so I was overjoyed!!
Friday, March 11, 2011
Why them? Why us?
Today that is what is running through my head.
A very good friend of mine (who I have met through a loss group I used to attend) is going through something unimaginable.
She has a son who is 4, and a daughter Brenna in heaven. Brenna suffered from a cord accident at 38 weeks. She was such a healthy baby, other than her breath was taken away. After she lost her daughter, she went on to have a miscarriage. After her miscarrage she found out she was pregnant again. They were overjoyed to learn it was another girl. Her daughter was born at 38 weeks, at 5lbs 2oz. She is still around the same weight and almost 2 months old. Her daughter spent a month in the NICU before being able to come home on oxygen.
Today I learned that they were being transferred to a bigger hospital. Her daughter will have to undergo skull surgery as she was born with her skull fused. Her brain is not telling her body to breathe properally and she could possibly be on a ventilator for life, or oxygen for life or a trach for life. When I learned of this I cried, we cried together. What do you say? There is nothing left to say. I could give her all the money in the world, would not matter. What will happen and what is happening to her baby is all unknown. No answers. How do you deal with that? The hospital they are at is in the city...over an hour away from her home. I got her a 50$ gas card today, and told her I will drive her down there, pick up her son from school, hell he can stay with us I DONT CARE. I am here for her in any way shape or form.
All I could tell her was that I would be here and never leave, and that no matter what happened to her daughter, she would always be beautiful, loved and a gift from above. God never gives us more than we can handle, but in circumstances like this you just wonder.
I dont know what to do or say. I would like to set up a online fund so people can donate to her and her family as they have suffered enough. If anyone knows how I could go about doing so, please email me L412Angel at AOL.
I cant be happy at the moment. I am so very angry. She and her husband are good people. They do good things. Why would this happen? Why do these things happen? To them? To people like us? WHY?!
Please I ask you keep baby L in your prayers. I have not released names of this friend and her family because it is not my place to expose that, although I want to blog so hopefully I can help do more. If anyone has any suggestions please send them over.
Please pray.
A very good friend of mine (who I have met through a loss group I used to attend) is going through something unimaginable.
She has a son who is 4, and a daughter Brenna in heaven. Brenna suffered from a cord accident at 38 weeks. She was such a healthy baby, other than her breath was taken away. After she lost her daughter, she went on to have a miscarriage. After her miscarrage she found out she was pregnant again. They were overjoyed to learn it was another girl. Her daughter was born at 38 weeks, at 5lbs 2oz. She is still around the same weight and almost 2 months old. Her daughter spent a month in the NICU before being able to come home on oxygen.
Today I learned that they were being transferred to a bigger hospital. Her daughter will have to undergo skull surgery as she was born with her skull fused. Her brain is not telling her body to breathe properally and she could possibly be on a ventilator for life, or oxygen for life or a trach for life. When I learned of this I cried, we cried together. What do you say? There is nothing left to say. I could give her all the money in the world, would not matter. What will happen and what is happening to her baby is all unknown. No answers. How do you deal with that? The hospital they are at is in the city...over an hour away from her home. I got her a 50$ gas card today, and told her I will drive her down there, pick up her son from school, hell he can stay with us I DONT CARE. I am here for her in any way shape or form.
All I could tell her was that I would be here and never leave, and that no matter what happened to her daughter, she would always be beautiful, loved and a gift from above. God never gives us more than we can handle, but in circumstances like this you just wonder.
I dont know what to do or say. I would like to set up a online fund so people can donate to her and her family as they have suffered enough. If anyone knows how I could go about doing so, please email me L412Angel at AOL.
I cant be happy at the moment. I am so very angry. She and her husband are good people. They do good things. Why would this happen? Why do these things happen? To them? To people like us? WHY?!
Please I ask you keep baby L in your prayers. I have not released names of this friend and her family because it is not my place to expose that, although I want to blog so hopefully I can help do more. If anyone has any suggestions please send them over.
Please pray.
A visit
On our way home I decided spur of the moment I wanted to bring him to see Cara. I do not think I was aware of the emotional stuff that would come with that visit. Its different now that I have a living child. You imagine that child in the ground and its heart wrenching, but then im looking at her grave site and I know she is down there. She should be here. My husband and I cried together. It hit me I have two children. I cant believe Carter is here safely in my arms and at the same time I cant believe Cara is not. It just never gets easier. Sometimes I wonder what I ever did to deserve such a thing in life, but then I remind myself that God never gives you more than you can handle.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Homecoming
We were so upset to learn today that Carter failed his car seat test again! After 40 minutes he had a dip in his O2 levels, down to 80%, all he needed was another 20 minutes to pass. Since he did not horribly fail, and everything else is great, we were so surprised when they decided to discharge him!!! YAAAAAY! The NICU doctor said that car seat tests are non conclusive. He wants us to when driving have someone watch him in the backseat until he is closer to term. No swings or bouncy seats until closer to term as well. Doc said we could put him in there but just to watch him. I am just going to avoid it all together, until I am told otherwise.
I am excited for his Peds appointment friday! Carter is a bit jaundice, but nothing they would treat. I feel very prepared for Carter, and I feel very good about taking care of him! Its that natural instinct.
I still have some anxiety over him being in the NICU and now home. All of you who have or had children in the NICU, my heart goes out to you all. How did you get rid of the anxiety once bringing him home? NICU or not, how do you not constantly worry? Ugh! Thank GOD for zoloft. I may need something in conjunction to this for a bit. I am going to talk to my doctor. We will see how it goes. Sometimes my anxiety is high, other times it is ok. I think the fact that I still have to watch for PE does not help.
So happy to have our little man home with us!
I am excited for his Peds appointment friday! Carter is a bit jaundice, but nothing they would treat. I feel very prepared for Carter, and I feel very good about taking care of him! Its that natural instinct.
I still have some anxiety over him being in the NICU and now home. All of you who have or had children in the NICU, my heart goes out to you all. How did you get rid of the anxiety once bringing him home? NICU or not, how do you not constantly worry? Ugh! Thank GOD for zoloft. I may need something in conjunction to this for a bit. I am going to talk to my doctor. We will see how it goes. Sometimes my anxiety is high, other times it is ok. I think the fact that I still have to watch for PE does not help.
So happy to have our little man home with us!
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Carter update #1
This is now Carters second day in the NICU. The thing I am learning about the NICU is there are no answers, no reasons, no time frames etc. It truly is a roller coaster. I know some of my BLMs had children in the NICU for months. I cant even imagine. You have to be so patient and understanding. Two things I am not. I live by schedules and time frames, so this is very hard for me. Its is also hard walking by babies on ventilators, babies I know are months too early and pounds too small. Its very sad.
I was discharged yesterday, but we chose to stay in the hospital to be with him. We have been eating out breakfast lunch dinner, once you are discharged and choose to stay in your room, its like a hotel. No nurses, no food, no nothing. We are doing what we have to do. I really do not want to leave without a baby...again. I went down this morning and spent two hours with him. His oxygen levels they like to see is in the high 90's. Sometimes Carter dips below 90. Only to 80 but right back up. Why? No idea. Did we ask why? Yes. Answers were all over the board. His breathing sometimes is a bit high, sometimes a bit low. Why? No idea. He is however eating like a champ, had his feeding tube removed yesterday and graduated into a little clear basket, no more table with a warmer etc.
The nurse this morning told me that she was thinking hopefully today or tomorrow. The NICU doc was saying sometime this weekend. Then he said to me well he will be home before his due date. Ummm thats in 4 weeks, I really hope that he was just trying to be funny or something, even though that is far from funny. Look buddy I have been waiting 2 years to bring a baby home. Can you imagine my anxiety?
As for us? We are good. I finally got some sleep last night. My husband is the best ever. Spending every moment he has with Carter, changing diapers, kisses etc, I actually look to him for guidance. He calms me down.We really hope we can start our new life with our baby home safe soon!
I was discharged yesterday, but we chose to stay in the hospital to be with him. We have been eating out breakfast lunch dinner, once you are discharged and choose to stay in your room, its like a hotel. No nurses, no food, no nothing. We are doing what we have to do. I really do not want to leave without a baby...again. I went down this morning and spent two hours with him. His oxygen levels they like to see is in the high 90's. Sometimes Carter dips below 90. Only to 80 but right back up. Why? No idea. Did we ask why? Yes. Answers were all over the board. His breathing sometimes is a bit high, sometimes a bit low. Why? No idea. He is however eating like a champ, had his feeding tube removed yesterday and graduated into a little clear basket, no more table with a warmer etc.
The nurse this morning told me that she was thinking hopefully today or tomorrow. The NICU doc was saying sometime this weekend. Then he said to me well he will be home before his due date. Ummm thats in 4 weeks, I really hope that he was just trying to be funny or something, even though that is far from funny. Look buddy I have been waiting 2 years to bring a baby home. Can you imagine my anxiety?
Monday, March 7, 2011
& were off...to the NICU
Carter was doing fabulous! He is perfect in every way possible.
Last night at 1am, they were doing his car seat test, and he failed. I was so surprised to hear that. He is breathing too fast and his oxygen is around 80%. They typically like it to be around 90%. His heart rate drops low sometimes as well. He is also breathing very fast at times. We don't know at this point what is really wrong. Nurses are saying this can be transitional for 36 weekers. I am praying to god that he will only be in there a few days. I know many of other BLM's that go on to have their rainbows in the NICU for months, before I could only imagine, now unfortunately I share in that pain as well. The unknown is the worst! The waiting is horrible. Its only been hours, I can't even imagine months.
I am being discharged today, but I am not leaving this hospital. I do not want to leave a hospital for the second time without my child. I dont know if I could do that. I am able to stay here in my room after being discharged, but will not have any nurse care, so its basically like a hotel.
Please keep little Carter in your prayers. I will be updating as much as I can.
Last night at 1am, they were doing his car seat test, and he failed. I was so surprised to hear that. He is breathing too fast and his oxygen is around 80%. They typically like it to be around 90%. His heart rate drops low sometimes as well. He is also breathing very fast at times. We don't know at this point what is really wrong. Nurses are saying this can be transitional for 36 weekers. I am praying to god that he will only be in there a few days. I know many of other BLM's that go on to have their rainbows in the NICU for months, before I could only imagine, now unfortunately I share in that pain as well. The unknown is the worst! The waiting is horrible. Its only been hours, I can't even imagine months.
I am being discharged today, but I am not leaving this hospital. I do not want to leave a hospital for the second time without my child. I dont know if I could do that. I am able to stay here in my room after being discharged, but will not have any nurse care, so its basically like a hotel.
Please keep little Carter in your prayers. I will be updating as much as I can.
Welcoming Carter
March 5th (36 weeks 3 days) around 3:00 am I woke up with cramping. I had just been to Labor & Delivery last week due to BP's on the rise, so I was not too concerned. Needless to say at 4am...still cramping...now concerned. I went to pee, my normal nightly hourly routine, and there was red blood in the toilet, not a ton but my radar was up. I knew not to worry if I lost my mucus plug, so I tried to catch some more zzzz's. FAIL. At this point I started to time my contractions...getting a bit more regular, so I called in. I was told to come in if they got closer...they did of course. I woke my hubby up around 5:30, and we began to get ready. I woke my Mom up to tell her I was planning on going in to see what was wrong. She told me I was in labor, and she would be surprised if they sent me home. I laughed and said they will send me home I am sure it is a false alarm! I left my hospital bag at home and headed for the hospital.
Fast forward...we get to L&D. They put me in a triage room and I was 2.5cm dilated, BP's a tad high. After about a half an hour, decision was made to go ahead and admit me, I was going to be induced! I could not believe it. I remained calm and got all set up in my new room. Around 8am the decision to start Pitocin (a drug to help move along labor) was made to get me going. I am allergic to pain medication, whether or not its an actual allergy or sensitivity...not sure...dont care, all I know is that I puke for days every time I have been put on one. Of course I started vomiting once the labor inducing drug was started. The nurse swore she never has seen anyone get sick from it. Let me just say that if I had a dollar for every time a nurse has told me "wow you really do have every side effect" etc...id be rich. Trust me if there is a side effect I have it, if there is not, im the person who gives that drug a new side effect to be added to its ridiculous long list. Lucky me!
Needless to say the throwing up never stopped, I progressed to about 4cm dilated (You need to be 10 to be able to have a baby vaginally) Then it all came to a slow halt. Not my vomiting though! Dont you worry! There was talk of a C section. Carters head was high up there. I was so NOT having a C section. Anytime I have had any surgery in the past (knee, nose, mouth) I was sooo sick afterward. Imagine getting your stomach cut open then vomit for days...on top of not being able to take pain meds...no thanks
Now let me say this. When I was in labor with Cara I never begged for an epidural. Never really thought I needed one. Maybe it was an easier labor? Maybe I was too sick to care? Who knows. So being dilated at a 4 I really was not sure if I wanted or needed an epidural. Well my contractions were getting to the point where I was going to rip someone's head off. I mean they were bad. I was 5cm, and I just knew I could not do this anymore. I was now standing in labor because I was in so much pain. Never thought I would be begging for someone to shove a tube in my back right? Oh I sure was! This is where I first get emotional. I remember my epidural with Cara. I remember being held up and together by a nurse, I remember trying not to pass out. I remember the pain from the lights that were on in the room. I remember emotional pain. So of course the Niagara falls begin. Poor anesthesiologist...he was fantastic, and kept asking if it hurt, I would reply no. Puzzled, he would ask why I was crying. My poor nurse was confused as well. I was a ball of emotions.
It really ended up not being that bad, and did I say SOOOO worth it. My contractions were so much better and I had relief! SIGH! My poor husband and Mom were probably so relieved!
It was now about 3:30pm. My OB came in and put a internal monitor inside me to be able to determine just how strong my contractions were and if they were going to be strong enough to get baby down. The internal thingy (I know for me not to remember a medical term...shocking) also was able to measure the amount of pitocin I was able to have. Its a very strong drug and can't be misused or overused. They were able to get that dose adjusted and I began to dilate more.To try to get baby's head descended toward earth, I was trying all sorts of new acrobatics...mind you with numb legs!
Around 4 pm my nurse came back in (I had a total I believe of three nurses for this delivery...all which were fantastic) she was going to check to see how dilated I was. I told her a 9 would be fantastic. She smiled and told me she would be happy with a 7. Well, I won that one...I was a 9! Could not believe it! My pushing finally began around 4pm!
Little tidbit. Yes I was on Facebook until I was 9 cm dilated. I wanted to keep my mind off things, keep people updated, and plus lets face it I am a internet addict. Everyone knows that. Duh.
Pushing was not fun, its all this work and no reward for a while...a long while. I get easily discouraged, so this was just a "blast in a glass for me" (jersey shore lovers hello!) I threw up the WHOLE entire time I was in labor. My husband was fantastic, counting for me, telling me how to push etc. Makes me teary eyed and all smiles just thinking of how great he was. At one point towards the end he was counting so loud I had to yell "Why are you yelling at me!!" poor guy! Anyways, we got to the point where we could all see the head starting to come out. Every time I pushed we would see hair, it was so cool! (Yes I had a mirror, I am one of the weirdo's that NEEDS to know what is going on at every second. I watch every blood draw and would have probably watched my own epidural if I could...strange I know) Carter was stuck behind my pelvic bone, so the pressure was less that wonderful lets put it that way. I was not in any sort of pain, just discomfort. At that point whats pain anyways? People worry about pushing the baby out, getting stitched up, ripping, or tearing...and trust me I was one of those people. But seriously, that is the least of your worries...contractions are worse, and can I add I did rip, tear, get cut and get stitched all back together.
Finally Carters little head emerged, I watched the doc pull our scissors and cut me (did not feel it) and out came the rest of his body. After 2 and some (nope not a typo) hours of pushing and over 10 hours of labor and just about 2 years of waiting. My earth angel was here thanks to wonderful doctors and nurses (and nurses do not get enough credit...you would not be able to do it without them...promise)
Carter was checked out by NICU staff in the room and everything was great! He had extra fluid in his lungs so they made sure they were able to get that out. I was able to hold Carter for the first time.
The first night I actually was able to have the nurse take him to the nursery and only bring him back to feed, which I did not think I would be ok with doing, but I was! I was very proud of myself for that one!
As for me I am feeling great! Its almost weird, I am not hooked up to machines, my BP is not being taken every ten minutes. Its a great feeling. It also leaves me with a bit of anxiety because I still obviously worry about Post Pardum Preeclampsia. It can strike up to 6 weeks pp. Its rare yes, but can happen. Lets face it just because something is rare, that means nothing to me!
After Carters first night, during his second he was taken down to the NICU. Carter spent a week in the NICU, due to a failed carseat test and low oxygen levels. I blogged about his journey in the NICU in my March 2011 posts. Long story short, after endless testing,it was concluded, that he was just having some preemie issues that he would grow out of.
Its a love without end amen
Thursday, March 3, 2011
One week left
So far I am 36 weeks and 3 days pregnant.
Gained 32 lbs so far. Which I am happy about! I thought I would be humongous, my nose and face would swell etc. I have been eating everything and anything I want (In moderation of course...kinda...) Im really not that big and don't mind gaining 30 plus pounds.
After this is all said and done its back to low carb low cholesterol diet. I have very high hereditary cholesterol and will be monitored for that after delivery, that my Vit D, anemia...sigh...never ends huh?
My blood pressures have been up and down, leading me to two hospital visits, and I am hoping for no more until my amnio! Carter is 6 lbs 10 oz!! 74th percentile! So still a big boy.
I have to say that I truly love being pregnant and I know this may sound crazy, but I will do this again, and I can't wait. (of course I am not thrilled about the morning sickness for the first 16 weeks but hey its the price we pay being women right?)
I am scheduled for my amnio on March 10th, providing that Carters lungs are mature I will be admitted for cervix ripening and induction the next morning.
I am only 1 cm dilated.
I have to say I am nervous. With Cara I did not feel like I needed an epidural, now I realize that due to how sick and how many medications I was on, is why I did not feel much pain. Now I am a bit nervous about labor. A misconception people have that drives me INSANE is that people assume since your baby was small and not full term your labor was different. ALL LABOR IS THE SAME. I REPEAT ALL LABOR IS THE SAME! I went through 26 hours of it. I did want to try to do this without epidural but I am just not sure I can. Last time I had the epidural I had a horrible itching reaction. Im praying that will not happen this time.
Gained 32 lbs so far. Which I am happy about! I thought I would be humongous, my nose and face would swell etc. I have been eating everything and anything I want (In moderation of course...kinda...) Im really not that big and don't mind gaining 30 plus pounds.
After this is all said and done its back to low carb low cholesterol diet. I have very high hereditary cholesterol and will be monitored for that after delivery, that my Vit D, anemia...sigh...never ends huh?
My blood pressures have been up and down, leading me to two hospital visits, and I am hoping for no more until my amnio! Carter is 6 lbs 10 oz!! 74th percentile! So still a big boy.
I have to say that I truly love being pregnant and I know this may sound crazy, but I will do this again, and I can't wait. (of course I am not thrilled about the morning sickness for the first 16 weeks but hey its the price we pay being women right?)
I am only 1 cm dilated.
I have to say I am nervous. With Cara I did not feel like I needed an epidural, now I realize that due to how sick and how many medications I was on, is why I did not feel much pain. Now I am a bit nervous about labor. A misconception people have that drives me INSANE is that people assume since your baby was small and not full term your labor was different. ALL LABOR IS THE SAME. I REPEAT ALL LABOR IS THE SAME! I went through 26 hours of it. I did want to try to do this without epidural but I am just not sure I can. Last time I had the epidural I had a horrible itching reaction. Im praying that will not happen this time.
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