Anger

I still find that I have so much anger built up inside about my daughter. I feel like a broken machine that never stops...im on repeat. Same shit. Different day. I dont think I will ever not be angry about losing her. I wasn't supposed to.

When I lost Cara, everyone said..."Well just think she could have had a lot of problems..." or "Who knows how healthy she would have been." at the time I was not educated in premature births. Little did I know 98% of babies lived if born at 30 weeks. Trust me I know plenty of babies that were in that 2% that did not live, but maybe I would have been able to official meet her.

Sometimes I think she never "really" existed. I mean all I saw was a body, not a soul. Will my random morbid posts ever stop? Nah. I think not.

Hundreds of morbid thoughts cross my mind daily about her. To me they are not morbid, just a part of my life. Anyone other "normal" person would be horrified to hold a dead baby. Watch a nose bleed, or skin change color and grow cold. Thats just normal to me. I dont have a memory of her smile, or her warm skin. All I have is dead-ness. Sucks. No other word for it really.

October (Halloween) and I have a love hate relationship. 18 days days before Cara was born silent. Meaning on Halloween she was still alive.

Im just still so angry. I was not taken seriously. I have noticed that not being taken seriously in little every day things, I freak out. I get all worked out and GHETTO fabulous about it. I am hardcore about being taken seriously. I get all emotional about things that I KNOW I am right about. Mainnly because I lost part of my life NOT being taken seriously...and hell I laid in a hospital bed for about a week, ill to the core.

I didn't just lose her, I lost part of my sanity because I came so close to believing I was going to lose my life. I was so scared. I didn't even get a chance to spend and grieve the normal way with her because I was scared I was going to die. I was robbed of that as well. I was robbed of planning her funeral and prayer cards and even picking out her name. I was too sick.

I look back and I cant even put into works how that time of my life felt. Horror, sickness, dark, hopeless, lost, the list could go on. I was robbed of ever being normal again.

Halloween!

Food for thought...

“In your life, you meet people. Some you never think about again. Some, you wonder what happened to them. There are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. And then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. But you do.”

Its a life sentence...

Milwaukee Journal, October 6, 2011, Laura Schubert

Did you know that October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? I'll bet not. Despite the infant mortality crisis that's been at the forefront of Milwaukee's public health news for months, the only people who have more than a cursory comprehension of what it means to lose a baby are those who've lived it.

Infant loss is nature's cruelest practical joke. It's investing all of the required time and effort into pregnancy, only to be robbed of the result. It's cradling a body that grew within your own and trying to reconcile the cold, lifeless form in your arms with your memory of the baby who turned double flips in your womb.

It's worrying that you'll forget what your child looked like and snapping an album's worth of photos that no one will ever ask to see. It's sobbing so hard you can't breathe and wondering if it's possible to cry yourself to death.

Infant loss is handing off a Moses basket to the nurse who's drawn the unfortunate duty of delivering your pride and joy to the morgue and walking out of a hospital with empty arms.

It's boxing up brand new baby clothes and buying a 24-inch casket. It's sifting through sympathy cards, willing your foolish body to stop lactating, clutching your baby's blanket to your chest in hopes of soothing the piercing ache in your heart.

It's resisting the urge to smack the clueless individuals who compare your situation to the death of their dog or who tell you you'll have another baby, as if children are somehow replaceable.

Infant loss is explaining to your 7-year-old that sometimes babies die and being stumped into silence when she asks you why. It's watching other families live out your happy ending and fighting a fresh round of grief with every milestone you miss.

It's being shut out of play groups for perpetuity. It's skipping social events with expectant and newly minted mothers because, as a walking worst-case scenario, you don't want to put a damper on the party.

It's listening to other women gripe about motherhood and realizing that you no longer relate to their petty parental complaints because, frankly, when you've buried a baby, a sleepless night with a vomiting toddler sounds something like a gift.

Infant loss is pruning from your life the friends and relatives who ignore or minimize your loss. It's recognizing that, while they may not mean to be hurtful, the fact that they don't know any better doesn't make their utter lack of empathy one whit easier to bear.

My baby girl would have been 5 years old this month. I don't know what she'd look like, what her favorite food would be. I've never had the privilege of tucking her into bed, taking her to the zoo or kissing her boo-boos. I will never watch her graduate or walk down the aisle.

Infant loss is more than an empty cradle. It's a life sentence.

Its almost halloween Ma!

Are you a friend?

This. Is. Amazing. You see...I once had a friend that even though had a child, seemed to not understand what this article put into spectacular words! Its sad that sometimes...people just DO NOT GET IT. Your friends lives just are not as important as they used to be once you have children.

Is it because I lost a child that my child's life is like OVER THE TOP IMPORTANT?

I have great friends. The ones I have had, I always had. I always will, and that is amazing.

Some people...does not matter if they have children...they still dont get it. Sigh. Probably never will...and that my friends is why they no longer are your friends.

Peace to all

Feet be gone!

BEFORE...

AFTER...

What a huge difference!!!

HOW did you miss this?

These pictures are from when I was 30 weeks pregnant with Cara. REALLY?  How in the hell did any of that look normal...

October 15

This day was just like any other day. Untill of course November 2009. Then October (which not to mention is my FAVORITE month of the year, my wedding date is the 18 and then halloween!) became the month before loss, the month before my world decided to crumble.

October and I have a love hate relationship now.

October is Infant loss awareness month. Before I lost Cara, I would have never known that. Why? Oh thats right...NO ONE TALKS ABOUT IT. Lame.

Today I remember Cara and all the other babies lost. Today and every day.

7 Months!

Little big man is now 7 months!

Laughing, babbling, trying to crawl and eating loads of everything! Carter tries to pull himself up on everything!! He is mainly interested in standing...if he could stand all day he would! He loves to be held. He could be held all day and not make a peep. Thats great for him. Not so great for Mommy who needs to get things done.

Carter also is NOT sleeping through the night. There is no relief over here, I am cranky and always on edge, running on e. He is literally still up every 3 hours. Sigh...

Carter also has 4 TEETH! Can you believe it!!!

Crows need feet too??

The past two years I have really aged. I am only 27. BUT I have noticed major changes. Wrinkles, lines, and grey hair that was never there before. See this?

(Excuse my little baby hairs up there growin in. Hormones I tell ya.)

I am not afriad to admit that I fear age, and any changes that come with it. That being said I am all for a lil pinch, nick or tuck. I broke my nose twice once when I was little and once when I was a gymnastic coach and I had surgery to fix my crooked nose and also refined my bump on the end of it and let me tell you how amazing that was! So worth it! Well those crows above...they DONT need feet. So I went ahead and took care of that. I did something for myself. It was just bugging me. Call me crazy, but I do not have to justify myself! I shall share some after pictures when the time comes!

A new chapter!

Saturday October 1st we moved into our new home! The painters were still painting and it was quite hectic! BUUUT we did it! I promised myself I would document the move with pictures...well needless to say no one was in any sort of mood to take any pictures. None of our furniture arrives for another two months so all of our things are scattered about.

My lovely lovely Gia decided that she needed her own doggy door.

 

 This is our lovely Master Bath! I love the grey that we decided to paint it! As you can see right now we are "bathless" we are living out of Carters bathroom right now. Our Master Bath should be complete within a week! Our room is FILLED with tarps and plastic (now I really feel italian) due to all the dust from the master bath, so I can't share that picture just yet! We had Closets by Design come out and do Carters closet and our master closet and let me tell you how awesome that is! I will share pictures soon!

 

I found these really cool rugs that I am going to base a lot of my decor off. 

My old decor was very rustic like. Lots of oil rubbed bronze, browns, coppers, reds. etc. Now I am totally feeling the blue, grey, purples! My style has totally changed and I am very surprised! This is all so fun and exciting!

 Now you can see my decor and taste has changed and I love it!

There is still a lot that needs to be done in the home. I am having some major anxiety living under tarps and having dirt and dust everywhere. I know that I am the one that wanted these changes and that it will all be more than beautiful when it is all said and done but its still hard when your living in a mess, when your a neat freak!