& it begins

I have started planning for little Carter.

We have purchased his bedding,

furniture (even tho that wont arrive until Feb!),

his big white Pottery Barn teddy,

ahhh I cant believe it! I am 23 weeks and feeling great. No more headaches...no swelling... I have a few higher BP's, but mainly after work or a day of running errands. I would like to work through Christmas..so please fingers crossed! I have a doctor appointment on Tuesday and will be asking about the few elevated pressures.

I have bought some odds and ends a few blankets, some onesies, and today at hallmark I found a all white bear that had engraved on it "God danced the day you were born" almost put me to tears...So of course I had to have that as well.

I said I would not buy/do all these things because I hate the unknown. BUT you know what. This baby deserves everything we did for Cara. I can't sit back and say lets be cautious just in case...I just can't because Carter will be my take home baby. Positive thoughts...plus I WOULD LIKE to pretend this pregnancy is just as normal as everyone else's in the world...

I have to admit that I am getting nervous about planning a shower. My shower will be when I am 30 weeks on the dot. Thats exactly when we had Cara's not even two weeks later she was gone. I am nervous about that...but again...Im going to try not to live in what if's or fear.

In one week I will hit my second goal 24 weeks viability...then its on to set a new one!

Thankful

What I am thankful for on this day.

My husband for being my rock and never leaving my side during the toughest times in our lives

Being able to be a mother for the short time I could to my daughter Cara

Carter at 22 weeks 3 days growing in my belly

My health, that I am here today and was able to concieve again

My family, the ones who are with us and the ones who are not.

Charlie my paw print in heaven, for helping heal my heart during the worst weeks of my life, and for holding on until my heart was at least taped back together

Arthur and Gia for putting a smile on my face every day

 

My friends who have been there through these tough times...even if it is just to listen...

For doing what I love

That is what I am thankful for...things change...Many things in life are replaceable. The ones above are not. I am thankful for the things that are not, and thankful that they are here with me today.

Pay it forward

So in a previous post I blogged about losing my sweet Arthur and being able to find him after 4 long hours!

Get this....if you can believe it


So this am I let the dogs out only to notice that there was a stray husky running around, with no leash or collar just like how Arthur was. Now I am a animal lover. I will go to great lengths to help animals. ALWAYS. I ran and grabbed a leash and he came right to me. I knew that a house right by mine had a Husky, I rang the bell and their husky greeted me at the door. CRAP. Who the heck's dog was this. I went back home and I put him in our fenced in yard and got my car keys out...were going for a ride to find his home.

I drove with him and all his shedding fur and muddy paws around my neighborhood stopping when I saw people. He was obviously well cared for, and someone was more than likely missing him.

I saw this young guy maybe in his 30's driving around, I stopped him. It was his dog! I got out of the car and handed his dog over. He was overjoyed, explaining how he has been looking for him and just called the police. He told me how thankful he was and that he had to give me something. Of course I refused. No amount of money is ever better than finding a lost dog's home, or ever better than they way you feel when you find a dogs owner. I told the guy how I lost my Arthur last week and I am just thankful to have found his owner. He asked if he could give me a hug, of course I said yes. Two total strangers hugging in the middle of the street...simply priceless. I told him Happy Thanksgiving!

Remember to always pay it forward. If you see a elderly couple needing help DONT look the other way...help. If someone drops something, tell them. If you EVER see a loose animal help them too! They are someones child, that wandering dog or cat you may think is mean or will bite, more  than likely is missing their owner, cold and helpless.

Happy Thanksgiving! After all isnt this what Thanksgiving is about?

Cara's Memorial

Happy Birthday in Heaven Baby girl!

These are what everyone attached to the balloons we released !



Here is her exact memorial! With the help of other BLM's I put this together!

Opening Prayer- Amelia Hendryx Mommy to an angel in heaven Brenna.

“Trust in the lord with all your heart,
and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.”
(Proverbs 3:5-6)

Silent Hope- read by Cara’s Grand Pappy

God our Father we thank you for the opportunity of bringing us together- people coming from different backgrounds, different philosophies of life- to celebrate this moment in one spirit.

Our differences lead us to find in a common experience that we share our source of unity. We are here to celebrate and remember lives that never survived the struggle of the beginning, lives that will always remain silent hopes within our hearts.

For other people those silent hopes will never have a name because they never spoke a word, they never cried or smiled; they never walked on earth.


For us those silent hopes will always be a part of our lives because they were a part of our dreams. They shared in our mystery and lived in our warmth.

We celebrate them because their presence  has made a difference in our lives and we feel differently and think differently for the mark they have left within us. We will never forget those silent hopes have died- but more importantly we will always remember that they for a short time had life.

Gift from Heaven- read by Cara’s Mommy

You were a gift sent straight from Heaven.
Given to us from God above.
We didn't know how much you would teach us
About the meaning of true love...
For true love sometimes means letting go
Of someone precious and dear.
That is what we were forced to do...
Although we wanted to keep you here
Cara, we truly believe
That God must have needed you more...
To be an Angel now,
Full of wisdom and love...
Watching over those of us who love you
From the shining stars above.

White Rose- read by Cara’s Mommy

She was only a little white rose,
A sweet little flower from birth;
God took her home to heaven,
Before she was soiled on earth.
Months have grown day by day,
It’s now a year since she went away,
Thoughts are full and hearts do weigh,
Without her here to share the day,
Time may dull the hand of fate,
Memory forever recalls the date.
It's lonely here without you,
We miss you more each day,
For life is not the same to us,
Since you were called away.
To your resting place we visit,
Place flowers there with care,
But no one knows our heartache,
When we turn and leave you there.
Please, God, forgive a silent tear,
A wish our Daughter was here,
There are others, yes we know,
But she was ours, we loved her so,
Dear God, take a message,
To our daughter in heaven above,
Tell her how much we miss her,
And give her all our love.

When God call’s little Children- Read by Cara’s Grammy


When God calls little children to dwell with Him above,
We sometimes question the wisdom of His love.
For no heartache compares with the death of one small child
Who does so much to make our world seem wonderful and mild.
Perhaps God tires of calling the aged to His fold,
So He picks a little rosebud before it can grow old.
God knows how much we need them, so He takes but a few
To make the land of heaven more beautiful to view.
Believing this is difficult, still, somehow me must try,
The saddest word mankind knows will always be "goodbye."
So when a little child departs, we who are left behind
Must realize God loves children... Angels are hard to find.

Closing Prayer- Read by Cara’s God Father

Your child's spirit is with God.
As David said, “I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.”
Take what comfort you can that you will be with them again in eternity.
And until then, take the love you have for them
and share it with all the rest of us left here in the meadow.

Things I never forget

This email was from a very close family member.


Laura,

I was in Rockford today and just got home at 11:30 pm.  The reason I start off by telling you that is that I was driving on I-88 and went past the Orchard Road exit and saw the JC Penney that I was at a year ago with Paul Hunk and an instant flashback of the events from a year ago came through my mind.  We were at the JC Penney to try to pick out an outfit for Cara.  That's when Paul Hunk introduced me to his Sister's specific taste!!! And to think, I thought i knew my niece pretty well.  

"No, she won't want bear prints on there." 

A few moments later, 

"No, she won't want stripes."  That's when I stepped aside and let your brother do his thing!  

I (we) will never forget Cara. We are all so blessed that you made it through those days a year ago and continue to do so now.  You were so strong last Sunday at the memorial and the entire ceremony was beautiful. I hope that you and Kyle did OK the last two days and that Arthur and Gia were able to be there for you as well!  

Love Always,

***************

Now what...

One year. Its been one year. So is that a time limit on my grief? I feel like she will be forgotten. Not by the BLM community or family, because they always remember... but by everyone who lives their normal happy lives. I am grateful, dont get me wrong. I am grateful I am here, grateful for a fantastic family and grateful for all of the people who helped me remember Cara. Friends I have not seen in years, friends who I have never met, people who lives I have touched.

I was surprise there were some who did not choose to remember Cara, or forgot...however you want to put it. I am not going to concentrate on that but concentrate on the people who did and the ones who did helped make my day a little brighter.

I just do not want to forget her. I know I will never, but I hope the world will never either. I will ALWAYS speak of her as my baby, I will ALWAYS share my and her story with pride. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I lived through the horror...in medical and mental ways. Cara does not deserve to be left in the dust. Why not talk about her? Because its uncomfortable for some? Well that sounds like a personal problem now dosnt it? Just sayin...

In my world there will never be a time line on grief. I will always wonder what she would have looked like, what she would have wanted to be when she grew up...she never will grow up. Cara always remains a tiny delicate person.

Now what? Im done planning for her, I just feel at a stand still.

November 17, 2009

One year ago today. I was in labor. 26 hours to be exact because they actually induced me on the 16th.

At 2:30 Cara was born. One year ago today.

There really is not much more to write. I have sat here and struggled with what to write. I have no memories except for her lifeless body. Except for her nose bleed, her lips turning red, her body growing cold. No nice happy memories. So this is where it ends.

Happy Birthday sweet Angel...I always knew there was a reason I was given the middle name Angel, (it was my mothers maiden name) and I always knew I would have a little girl to share that name with.

November 16, 2009

Nov 16th 2010- Im sitting here, calm. These two days are not just about losing my child, its about what horrific events I had to go through on top of it. As if losing your child was not enough.

This time last year I was on my way to the hospital.

My husband driving me because my head hurts so bad I was positive it was not a headache, although I did not know what to call it.

Im vomiting

This time last year,  were driving there and I remember thinking "you cant drive any faster?"  I can't explain it but I knew something was wrong with me and I knew we had to get there soon.

Were pulling into the hospital, and my vision in my left eye starts to go, I see sparkly dots, big ones.

From here I dont remember getting into the car, dont remember walking into the hospital, if we took an elevator or stairs...nothing

I remember signing in at the desk and throwing my wallet at the girl because she was asking for things and my mind was not cooperating.

I dont remember getting into a room, I just remember throwing up when I was there.

I remember this lady trying over and over again for a heartbeat...silence...but I was too sick to even know what that meant.

Ultrasound came in...My husband crying...at some point I called my mom...could not tell you when, but I did and her and my Dad were there.

Your baby has passed...blah fucking blah...I asked when I could go home. That is when I knew something was wrong. Quickly learning I was not going anywhere. I was apparently wheeled into another room...dont remember that.

In fact...I dont remember much else...bits and pieces,

I dont know whats worse November 16th or November 17th. Thats it...thats how one year ago today happened.

Anxiety

Today was Cara's Memorial. It was actually very pretty and nice. I will be having a seperate post with pictures about that sometime next week. I just need to get through this week.

My anxiety is back. I have not had anxiety like this since way before I was even pregnant. Thank God for Zoloft I cant imagine what I would be like right now if I was not on it. I think I am just overly stressed lately. There seems to be too much going on. Last November was the worst November of my entire life. I just am praying that after this week this one gets better. I can't handle one more.

I will add that I am thankful that I made it 21 weeks without anxiety :)

I have a lot going on, personal stuff, house stuff and pregnancy stuff. I find myself being over emotional this past week. Maybe because I am trying to act and be ok...or maybe my anxiety is just back? When I lost Arthur I about lost it. I immediately prepared for the worst. (Thank the heavens we found him!) It seems to be what I am hardwired to do now a days. I know that sounds horrible, and I DO NOT think that way about this pregnancy or Carter. Just about other things that seem to go funky.

Last night I woke up at 1 am. I could not fall back asleep and started having a racing heart with racing thoughts about this pregnancy, about my life I ALMOST woke my husband up to take me to the hospital. Then I freaked out about the thought of being in one. Ugh...horrifying. So I popped a benedryl to put me to sleep.I need constant reassurance when I have anxiety like this.

Just Breathe

That is what I have been telling myself this week. Its been a rough week, and today at work I got a call from my husband that my sweet Arthur went missing. I immediately burst into tears. There is NO way this is happening. How can more bad stuff happen? I lost too much recently...I cant loose the thing that makes me so happy right now.

I dropped everything left and went home to walk the streets of my neighborhood crying carrying his picture, going door to door. My husband had been looking for him since 11, it was now 2:30. My dad came out to help us and my dad was who found him. If it were not for my dad we probably would not have found him, Kyle was leaving to make fliers and I was heading back home to get a hat because my ears were froze. So we would have missed him if it weren't for dad! I have the best dad ever!! Needless to say I got my walking in for the week :)

When my dad came running with a wet scared Arthur I fell to my knees crying. I wa so so so happy to have him back. Ever since losing Cara I am wayyyyy more sensitive to the whole "loss" issue. Weather its car keys or an animal. When I lost Cara I felt like I failed, when I lost Charlie I felt like I failed...im so glad I did not lose Arthur.

Preparing

This weekend is Cara's Memorial. We are holding it on sunday the 14th. Her REAL birthday is November 17. We learned she was gone on the 16th and I delivered her 26 hours later.

The past few days I have been searching for prayers and poems that best fit Cara and her story. Its not easy thats for sure. Tonight I looked through most of her pictures with no tears, this is a first.  While others plan cake and present opening, we will be planning a visit to her grave, and leaving her behind. Thats the hardest part is turning to leave.

If 2 years ago you told me that I would be planning my daughters one year memorial I would have never believed you. Things like that do not happen to people like me. Dont we all think that? Well dont think like that because thats when shit blindsides you at 11:45 p.m. on a Monday morning.

My mind is all over the place lately. I am realizing that things in life that I thought were important, are not. I think you really have to go through a life shattering experience such as losing a child to understand, otherwise you dont. Not that I expect anyone to. Death is hard in general. The death of a grandparent or a parent ...that all is devastating, they are supposed to go before you...but your child should never die before you, yet alone not even get a chance to live. Its frustrating to me that she never was given that chance, she was so innocent.

I am just focused on bringing home a living child. I am trying not to let anything else bother me. Not my house, not money, not what I am going to wear to a christmas party, not how I am going to pay my next 600$ medical bill. Nothing matters except Carter. I owe it to him, and to Cara. I am just trying to get through, although it will never be easy, nothing is worse than remembering what happened to myself and as a result what happened to Cara.

If someone would please advise me when the world plans on shitting rainbows and ponies, so no one has to suffer...please let me know!

Question #2.

What testing did I have done prior to TTC? What advice can I give someone who has experienced PE and or HELLP that is wanting to try again.

As for testing. I had ever test under the sun done. Literally. I had a thrombophilia work up panel done to see if I have any underlying clotting disorders...which I did Factor V, where my blood over clots. Now its common and many people have it without any complications...I obviously had many complications from it, including scans to see if I had a clot in my leg postpartum. Now I am on a lovenox injection every night. Will it help? Well there are studies that say yes, as well as studies that say no. BUT what we do know is that It certainly can't hurt!

I also had underlying testing done to see if I have any autoimmune disorders such a lupus. Anything like that can trigger or put you at a higher risk for developing PE and or HELLP.

Preeclampsia can lead to cardiomyapathy or other heart implications. Because of that I had a EKG, Stress test and 2d Echo. Why not make sure everything is in working order.

The other testing I had done was ever month a urine culture to make sure I had no more protein in my urine (which took almost 5 months to go away) I had blood work checking my liver and kidneys to make sure those numbers were back where they needed to be.

I was SUCH  nervous wreck about my health after what I went through that if there was a test offered I did it.

On the other hand, the first advice is listen to NO ONE except yourself. If you think there is a problem or if you have a feeling something is wrong...99% your right, even if your told your fine. Second...CHECK YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE DAILY. I wish I could tell that to every women. Know your numbers, know whats high and whats normal. That would have saved Cara's life. Never feel bad about going in to get checked out when your pregnant. That is why Doctors get paid so much. Its their JOB! Stay till you get answers, be your own advocate and be persistent!

Question #1.

What do you plan to do on Cara's Memorial?

At first I wanted to invite the world. As time gets closer I have realized I only would like family and a few close friends. Its too hard for people number 1. Number 2. its too hard on my family and I. I always think that I am going to be ok, and my emotions hit me at times I think they wont. I dont like to cry in front of people.

I have asked a few people to share poems or prayers, and we will be releasing pink balloons attached with a message or picture to her as well. I will also be leaving her pink roses. I will be wearing her footprint pin. I will also be wearing pink.

I wanted a photographer to take pictures, but I am going to have my brothers boyfriend Diego take them, he is pretty good!

After her memorial we will be going to lunch. That is really all. I wanted to keep it simple.

20 WEEKS!

Today I had my 20 weeks ultrasound. Carter is still measuring about a week ahead. He weighs 12 oz. My blood pressure was 129/74. No protein in my urine. I did however have trace blood, not too worried about that since I have a 24 hour urine next week and that is wayyyyy more accurate. Doctors are pleased! At this point with Cara I think I was possibly at 9 lbs but was quickly starting to swell.I have gained 20 so far. (eeeek) BUT my shoes and rings still fit so I know its not swelling. Doctor is not worried.

Below is a picture of Cara and I @ 20 weeks

Here is Carter and I at 20 weeks! Definitely bigger!

Annnnd finally the big man himself!

Tree of Light Memorial Mass

On Sunday my mom, dad, brother his boyfriend and my hubby and I all attended a tree lighting for lost babies. My girlfriend Amelia (who I met through a share group almost a year ago) over at Hendryx Family also attended in honor of her daughter Brenna who was born Nov 2nd, 15 days before Cara, at 38 weeks due to a cord accident. Amelia and I have grown pretty close. I love her! She is currently 27 weeks pregnant with a little girl! We are on this journey together! It was nice to have her there as well.

 On the way my mom said "I bought kleenex" I told her I would not be needing them. I sometimes think I am stronger than I really am, because I did need the kleenex. I cried when we lit the candle. Walking up to the alter lighting my candle was so emotional. I was thinking I should not be here. This is so outrageous that my daughter did not live. Sometimes I have to really remind myself that this IS happening. This DID happen.

I would like to share with you all a poem/excerpt that was read.

Silent Hope
God our Father we thank you for the opportunity of bringing us together- people coming from different backrounds, different philiosopies of life- to celebrate this moment in one spirit.

Our differences lead us to find in a common experience that we share our source of unity. We are here to celebrate and remember lives that never survived the struggle of the beginning, lives that will always remain silent hopes within our hearts.

For other people those silent hopes will never have a name because they never spoke a word, they never cried or smiled; they never walked on earth.

For us those silent hopes will always be a part of our lives because they were a part of our dreams. They shared in our mystery and lived in our warmth.

We celebrate them because their presence  has made a difference in our lives and we feel differently and think differently for the mark they have left within us. We will never forget those silent hopes have dies- but more importantly we will always remember that they for a short time had life.

Welcome new readers!

Wanted to welcome all the new readers to My World!

I also wanted to give you the chance to ask me any questions you may have about my husband and I, our new baby on the way, Cara, or Preeclampsia in general.

You can leave the questions in a comment below!