Preparing

This weekend is Cara's Memorial. We are holding it on sunday the 14th. Her REAL birthday is November 17. We learned she was gone on the 16th and I delivered her 26 hours later.

The past few days I have been searching for prayers and poems that best fit Cara and her story. Its not easy thats for sure. Tonight I looked through most of her pictures with no tears, this is a first.  While others plan cake and present opening, we will be planning a visit to her grave, and leaving her behind. Thats the hardest part is turning to leave.

If 2 years ago you told me that I would be planning my daughters one year memorial I would have never believed you. Things like that do not happen to people like me. Dont we all think that? Well dont think like that because thats when shit blindsides you at 11:45 p.m. on a Monday morning.

My mind is all over the place lately. I am realizing that things in life that I thought were important, are not. I think you really have to go through a life shattering experience such as losing a child to understand, otherwise you dont. Not that I expect anyone to. Death is hard in general. The death of a grandparent or a parent ...that all is devastating, they are supposed to go before you...but your child should never die before you, yet alone not even get a chance to live. Its frustrating to me that she never was given that chance, she was so innocent.

I am just focused on bringing home a living child. I am trying not to let anything else bother me. Not my house, not money, not what I am going to wear to a christmas party, not how I am going to pay my next 600$ medical bill. Nothing matters except Carter. I owe it to him, and to Cara. I am just trying to get through, although it will never be easy, nothing is worse than remembering what happened to myself and as a result what happened to Cara.

If someone would please advise me when the world plans on shitting rainbows and ponies, so no one has to suffer...please let me know!