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Wednesday, May 26, 2010

A last happy moment

Wanted to share my baby shower for our Cara. It was the happiest day in my life besides my wedding!
Click here

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Promise Walk 2010














Well on a 90 degree scorching hot day. We walked 1.5 miles for Cara. I also read my story and poem which are below

My name is Laura Meindel. On November 16 2009 I admitted
myself to L&D, and it was there that we heard the words "Im sorry your
baby has passed" Within what seemed like minutes I was diagnosed with
Severe Preeclmapsia and Hellp syndrome.I was almost 31 weeks pregnant.
My daughter Cara Angel was born sleeping the very next day November 17.
She was 2 lbs 11oz 16 in and perfect. Preeclampsia took my daughters
life and almost my own. I have realized more than ever how precious
life is and how quickly it can be taken from us. This poem I wrote is
for all those who's lives have been touched by this horrible disease.


My Mom is a survivor
By: Laura Meindel

My mom is a survivor
She's left with this pain
She no longer has me to hold
She smiles through all the rain

My mom is a survivor
She fought it through
My mom is now here
With both me and you

My mom is a survivor
She smile and sings
Praise of the hope and happiness
I will always bring

My mom was a survivor
she tried and tried
You took her from me
You stole and lied

My mom was a surivior
but just for short while
she almost made it
now ill never see her smile

All our moms are survivors
Not a single story alike
Mom's bring us all together and help us fight

Fight for a cure
Fight for happiness
Fight for hope
Fight for bliss


Help us above with wings shine our light
Our moms are all survivors please help them fight













I have the best family and friends that joined me on my walk. Everyone who came with me on my walk are most of the people who have truly been there throughout my journey of loss.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My 3 Jobs...wanna be 4

#1. Hair stylist...what I was born to do. Most people dream in color, I dream in hair! haha! Seriously I love it!

#2. I like to call myself a volunteer for the Preeclampsia Forums. I spend COUNTLESS hours a day on there. I used to be OBSESSED, now I still check the site at least 4 times a day. Hoping I can be helpful to someone along the way.

#3. The internet queen. Not just facebook anymore (I know I know its up 90% of the time) But im usually blogging, working on Angel Baby Names  researching Preeclampsia, Hellp Syndrome, Factor V Leiden, Still Birth, the list goes on.


Depending on how this next year goes I am really thinking about going back to school to be a nurse. I would take classes like 1 or 2 days a week, I dont care if it took me years to finish, and I may never work as a nurse...but I just want to learn more.

My starvation of learning more about health is crazy. Not just oh trans fat is bad for you health. Im talking about what your TSH and T4 free levels are. What are your platelet levels? Whats your LDL and HDL levels?  Are you taking a statin drug...because if you are you should be on COQ 10 (Because lets be real total cholesterol #'s are just a number) Whats your blood pressure? Whats your mean blood pressure?  Have you been tested for Vitamin D deficiency? I know wayyy more than I lead to about all of this health junk. Thats what happens when you almost lose your own life. So that is something that my future would possibly hold? If I were to do this...I would want to be something with OB department. This would not be for the next year (In hopes that I get pregnant) I will see where this journey takes me.

Monday, May 17, 2010

6 months ago today...

6 months ago today my daughter Cara was silently born into this world. I never thought I would be here writing this after 6 months. It seems like just yesterday I was walking into the L&D at the hospital. Most the time my thoughts now are that I can't believe I was even actually pregnant, I can't believe I had a daughter that died, It all seems like a dream. I can't believe the death of my child is now what defines me.

The first month was agony, every day I woke up I counted down the hours that I could go to sleep again, thats all I wanted to do. Things are way different now. I will never say better, because my life has forever changed, it will be different but never better. I will forever wonder what she would have looked like.

Happy 6 Months Cara

Saturday, May 15, 2010

In loving Memory...

This weekend was full of emotions. My Grandma Hunkele was born October 14, 1929 and died May 10, 2010. This weekend was her funeral.

Most of you know that the very first family funeral was my daughters. I had all 4 of my grandparents. When I lost my daughter, always in the back of my mind I knew she was up there alone. No one she really recognized would be there. When Charlie (My dog) grew his wings 3 months later...I knew that he was taken from me because he was very near and dear to my heart, so I knew that he was taken to be with Cara. So Grams being the first member of the family to pass in a strange way gave me comfort. I know Cara is now taken care of. I know that Grams is not suffering and I know that she will always and forever hold a special place in my heart just knowing that she was the first to be with my daughter. The first to see her in heaven and the first to reassure her that I will be there soon. I am sure she is telling Cara lots and lots of stories about what a wonderful Grandfather she has.

Watching my Dad loose his mother was something you never obviously want to go through...but unfortunately that is life. Its what happens. Watching people struggle with something they can't change is so hard. I wanted to help him feel no pain.  My Dad is so strong and I admire him so much.

































As soon as I walked into the funeral home I cried. Couldnt help it. I held her hand. Told her how much we would miss her and I was able to put a picture of Cara in her coffin.
















As I took out the picture to lay there beside her I cried of course and I caught myself (actually surprised myself) I whispered "my baby" as I set her picture down. The flowers above are from Grams 3 Great Grandchildren...on that card was Cami, Cole and Cara...so beautiful.

Now let me explain that when I attended Caras funeral. I was still very very sick (I was admitted back to the hospital the next day) I was still in shock. So being at Grams funeral was so difficult, because I am obviously still grieving for my daughter. So it was basically like I was grieving for both.

Im angry. I wish death was not a part of life. Its just not fair that people you love can be taken from you. Its not fair at all.

My Pap is doing so well. He is such a firecracker. Cara would have loved him . He is funny and charming, and boy did he love my grandmother. He told everyone how beautiful she looked. My Pap also took me to my Grams room to let me pick out a piece of her jewelry. Pap told me he is trying to make sure that she will never be forgotten. I cried as I told him that I would never ever forget her because she is the first person up in heaven with my daughter. I picked out a butterfly pin and a santa pin. Gram collected Santas, the Santa pin I gave to my dad. I really worry about my Pap, I know the grief process all to well. Probably better than most people.  I know that in the beginning your in shock. Then fear kicks in, then overwhelming sadness and then anger. I have faith that if anyone can pull through this he can!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Another Angel grew its wings today

My Grandmother Mary Lou Hunkele was admitted into a hospice facility Friday May 7th and her last day here on earth was today May 10th. Today is also the day that my Grams father passed. I truly believed that she held on so she could spend one last Mothers Day with her family. I know Cara will be thrilled to meet her Great Grandma. Cara and Charlie are all alone up there in heaven, so they will be welcoming Grams home today. My Gram & Pap were married for 57 years.
You will be forever missed Gram. Please pray for my Dad, he has endured the loss of his Granddaughter and his mother all within 6 months.
 

Sunday, May 9, 2010

My 1st Mothers Day without Cara

So my first Mothers day without Cara has arrived. The day began with my husband giving me a card right when I got out of bed. Its the big pink card in the middle :)

















We both cried. I was so touched he remembered me. I know he would never forget me...im far too fabulous hehe...but just touching he did that for me :) I was also so touched my cousin Anthony and my cousin Michael ages 7 and 9 came up to me with a big hug and wished me happy mothers day! My aunt also gave me tulips!

I wanted to share with everyone this collage that Jessica made for me a while back.

















I cried twice today, I seem to be more emotional lately. Probably because im watching my Dad go through so much pain as well as knowing my Grams will not be here on earth much longer. Its hard. My dad is still in Pittsburgh, been there for 8 days now. Grams is still hanging on...its been 8 days in hospice, no food...no water...no help...no tubes...she is a fighter, but we all know its bittersweet her journey here on earth is coming to a end. I just want me dad to come home. He needs us right now and we just do not know when my Grams will pass. Only God knows. Either way I am happy that she was able to be here for Mothers Day!

I want to end this post with a big thank to Crystal who sent me this...

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Shes in heaven

The three words every mother would dread. The three words that never really came out of my mouth...just yet. This was unexpected. I was getting a manicure today. Most of you know that I have this tattoo on my wrist.



Yup its beautiful I know :) So anyways...the manicurist said ooo whats that. I replied its my daughter name...I could tell she was trying to read the wording underneath. Shit. Well really it on my wrist for the world to see what did I expect. Here it comes..."How old is she?"..Shes in Heaven. I ALMOST CRIED. Now let me just say, this is rare. Im a hair stylist and love to talk (shocker I know) and I talk freely about my daughter and actually never once lost it while explaining my story to any client...for some reason this was one of the hardest questions. She is supposed to be almost 6 months. She never was one month, one day, or one second old. She skipped in life and went straight to heaven. I just got overwhelmed with sadness.

Tomorrow is Mothers Day...I have been crabby all week, because I am a mother, but have nothing to show for it. The two things I loved most in life are gone. My sweet Cara and my sweet sweet Charlie. I miss them both more than words can express. I hate getting these sudden rushes of grief. I think that the first three months I literally cried every single day, now its very sporadic...maybe I just get used to the sad feeling? I don't know but now they hit at weird times. Im crabby because I see other people take little things and get mad over them. I see people all around me, having "a bad day" or being "sick" People have no idea how great life is. How great their life is. Sometimes I want to say to them. My daughter is dead. I watched her being born dead...I watched helplessly as they bathed her, as her nose bleed and as she soon turned very pale. I watched MYSELF turn into a monster, not wanting people to hold my daughter, not wanting to hold her and not wanting any pictures. So yes I find myself pissed at others when things are not going their way. But I have to be rational and remind myself I was JUST like them once. Until my world was shattered. Funny how sometime so life shattering has to open up your eyes...

Now more than ever I find myself missing her, missing getting to know her, getting to make sure she is ok. She is not. That hurts...


Ok on a happy note... I was born on my Mothers Birthday Aug 27. (She had preeclampsia TOO). Happy Mothers Day to my Mom...the best mom, the mom who gives me and my brother EVERYTHING. I love you!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Joyful June

June it is! My doctor called back today to confirm NO protein and NO thyroid problems. Im so excited! I am nervous yes, but my excitement overrides my nervousness! So this may be a silly question...I was never TTC with Cara...She was a surprise "vegas" (we were in Vegas when she was conceived) baby. So how do I know when to TTC? I know my next monthly issue will be end of May? Any suggestions on trying to get pregnant?? Thanks guys!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

The verdict is...

NO PROTEIN IN MY URINE! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I LITERALLY SCREAMED OUTLOUD!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHH! I was so nervous that I would have kidney damage. So glad I dont. I think because I was in such  good shape before my pregnancy, that is why my body is recovering so quick! Yay me!

I am going to spend all of May working out at the gym. I have already been 3 times this week. In June my husband and I are going to stop being careful (so half way trying...but keep in mind before we were not trying and got pregnant) In July if I am not pregnant we will start trying 100%. I am so excited you have no idea!

Part of me wanted to wait until August or Spetember so I could still be at work during our busiest time of the year for financial purposes, but I have to think whats really important to me...and that is bringing home a child. I know my family will be there for me if I do need financial help.

My MFM and I already have a plan in place that around 24 weeks I will cut back my hours. 28 weeks cut a day and I will most likely be on bed rest starting 32 weeks. I will be delivering at 37 weeks for sure. UNLESS there is absolutely nothing wrong with me...that could happen too. Let hope for that. BUT my OB did tell me "prepare to be on bed rest at some point in your pregnancy"

I know I am jumping the gun a little bit with all this planning and trust me it is taking EVERYTHING in my power not to plan the what if's. Any suggestions for you BLM's that are pregnant and how to handle this? (Going into TTC)

A little bit of a downside my Tfree4 (thyroid) came back low (0.7) normal is 0.8...so we have to discuss that still.

Like I said in the previous post...from here on out most things will not be talked about on facebook, so I suggest to keep reading if you really wanna know :)

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Waiting game

Now we play the waiting game! I had my final follow up with the Cardiologist (Dr. C) today. It went great! My BP was 94/70 and pulse 88. Let me add quickly that I hate it when nurses take it on the right side and put your arm lower. I always seem to get higher readings that way. This nurse took it left arm and held it above my heart. I like when stuff is done right.!  So all the tests came back 100% normal! I have a natural higher heart rate but thats ok and no worries. 

Dr. C also told me to stop taking my cholesterol medication! I will be TTC in June and he said to stop it and not to worry about my cholesterol for the time being. Basically the whole year I am off of it in the grand scheme of things, does not effect me. I had a special blood test done on how big or small my lipids are and mine are big which are good which means that less room for heart attack or stroke. Basically again since everyone in my family with high cholesterol never had an early heart attack or died from any heart related conditions, means that my super high cholesterol is not "as bad as I think"  

Dr. C said he would not be testing my cholesterol while pregnant nor would be put me on any type of medication and that includes Niacin. I trust him...after all he does specialize in cholesterol! 

So as it stand as sick as I was did not have any long term effects on my heart! YAY! Fantastic news. 

So just a little bit on fish oil. It seems to be contraversiaol during pregnancy if you have had or are at risk for getting Preeclampsia. Dr. C said that not to take it, of course he said to discuss this with my MFM which I will. Basically a lot of vitamins have a lot of fillers in them, which is basically nothing, so you can ACTUALLY get a perscription for fish oil. So I will take all that up with my MFM. 

So what am I waiting for? Well had testing today to make sure my Vit D is back to normal as my as my thyroid and urine. Fingers crossed!!! Looks like we will be TTC in JUNE! ahhhhhhhh! Im way more excited than I am nervous and I know that I have a fabulous Interal Medicine Doc, MFM, OB and Cardiologist if I need one! I have a GREAT support system through my family, close friends, fellow BLM (Baby loss Momma's) and preeclampsia foundation forums.

BTW cardiologist recommended the BP cuff...its said to be the best. Omron Women's Advanced Ellite 7300W. I have a wrist cuff and was advised that the wrist ones are a no no and the best ones are the actual cuff ones! So that is my next purchase! 

WHEN I TTC. Im not telling many people. If you read this blog, you will know. I figure most people that truly care about me read this...so if you dont...your shit out of luck! I will NOT be announcing it on FB until I am 3 months. I will be continuing to blog here, until a confirmed heartbeat, then I will set up a separate blog to track myself and lil Peanuts progress!  

So right now I am still taking my cholesterol Meds untill Vit D comes back, and my urine comes back! Heres to wishing for some more good news!

Monday, May 3, 2010

The neeewww Salon

SO as many of you know...I work at a hair salon. I have been doing hair for 6 years now and love it. I love the people I work for, the people I work with and what I do! I would not trade it for the world. Frank and Kirsten are the owners of Ginger Root and I would like send a big CONGRATS to them on the new shop that is now Located downtown St. Charles Illinois. We are a AVEDA concept salon. Which means EVERYTHING we use is AVEDA!!  Visit our Salon on facebook! or...Visit our Webpage 

Please share our facebook page and tell anyone you know in the Chicago area about our salon! If your from the Chicago area...well I would love to do your hair!

Want to know what else makes Ginger Root Great? Frank and Kirsten are sponsoring my Promise for Preeclampsia Walk in May and will be walking with me in hopes for a cure for the disease that took my daughters life and my own. Yay Ginger Root!

Update on Doctor Appointments

Ok so quick update. My 2D echo and  stress test came back normal ! THANK GOD! Im so glad thats over, and so glad to know that all my high BP's did not damage my heart. My follow up appointment with my cardiologist is in two days, so I will write another post then. I just called for my results (because I hate waiting.)

I also saw my Internist and we are rechecking my Urine (for protein) and Thyroid and hopefully my Vit D goes back where it is supposed to be! That should be sometime this week. NOW...IF my urine still has protein in it I am going to have to see a nephrologist to see why. It could be that the PE and HELLP damaged my kidneys (which I reeeallly hope thats not the case)

So I will be updating as I get my results back!