Most of you know that the very first family funeral was my daughters. I had all 4 of my grandparents. When I lost my daughter, always in the back of my mind I knew she was up there alone. No one she really recognized would be there. When Charlie (My dog) grew his wings 3 months later...I knew that he was taken from me because he was very near and dear to my heart, so I knew that he was taken to be with Cara. So Grams being the first member of the family to pass in a strange way gave me comfort. I know Cara is now taken care of. I know that Grams is not suffering and I know that she will always and forever hold a special place in my heart just knowing that she was the first to be with my daughter. The first to see her in heaven and the first to reassure her that I will be there soon. I am sure she is telling Cara lots and lots of stories about what a wonderful Grandfather she has.
Watching my Dad loose his mother was something you never obviously want to go through...but unfortunately that is life. Its what happens. Watching people struggle with something they can't change is so hard. I wanted to help him feel no pain. My Dad is so strong and I admire him so much.
As soon as I walked into the funeral home I cried. Couldnt help it. I held her hand. Told her how much we would miss her and I was able to put a picture of Cara in her coffin.
As I took out the picture to lay there beside her I cried of course and I caught myself (actually surprised myself) I whispered "my baby" as I set her picture down. The flowers above are from Grams 3 Great Grandchildren...on that card was Cami, Cole and Cara...so beautiful.
Now let me explain that when I attended Caras funeral. I was still very very sick (I was admitted back to the hospital the next day) I was still in shock. So being at Grams funeral was so difficult, because I am obviously still grieving for my daughter. So it was basically like I was grieving for both.
Im angry. I wish death was not a part of life. Its just not fair that people you love can be taken from you. Its not fair at all.
My Pap is doing so well. He is such a firecracker. Cara would have loved him . He is funny and charming, and boy did he love my grandmother. He told everyone how beautiful she looked. My Pap also took me to my Grams room to let me pick out a piece of her jewelry. Pap told me he is trying to make sure that she will never be forgotten. I cried as I told him that I would never ever forget her because she is the first person up in heaven with my daughter. I picked out a butterfly pin and a santa pin. Gram collected Santas, the Santa pin I gave to my dad. I really worry about my Pap, I know the grief process all to well. Probably better than most people. I know that in the beginning your in shock. Then fear kicks in, then overwhelming sadness and then anger. I have faith that if anyone can pull through this he can!
9 comments:
You are right, it just isn't fair. Thinking of you!
((hugs))
Huge hugs to you, I'm thinking of you. XO
Big hugs to you and your dad and your grandfather.
I just wanted to give you a *hug*
love and prayers
elena
hugs to you..I know how hard this is, still trying to make sense of Abby's death. My heart goes out to you. hugs Laura.
CarrieAnn, mommy angel Abby Lynn.
Sorry I hadn't posted earlier. So sorry about your grandma. My sister in-law (2nd mom to me) passed away 4 months after Sami. I was and still am devestated over that however I felt such comfort in knowing that she is there with Sami. I have had dreams of them together so I am filled with peace. I know your grandma is going to do a great job in telling Cara all about you and the family.
It is hard to feel your dad's pain, you know what it's like more than anyone else. My heart just breaks to see my brother navigate through life without his best friend.
My heart just breaks for you because you have been through so much in such a short amount of time.
((hugs)) thinking of you.
Wishing you some peace and continued healing. Warm thoughts for the rest of your family, also. Hugs...
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