Shes in heaven

The three words every mother would dread. The three words that never really came out of my mouth...just yet. This was unexpected. I was getting a manicure today. Most of you know that I have this tattoo on my wrist.

Yup its beautiful I know :) So anyways...the manicurist said ooo whats that. I replied its my daughter name...I could tell she was trying to read the wording underneath. Shit. Well really it on my wrist for the world to see what did I expect. Here it comes..."How old is she?"..Shes in Heaven. I ALMOST CRIED. Now let me just say, this is rare. Im a hair stylist and love to talk (shocker I know) and I talk freely about my daughter and actually never once lost it while explaining my story to any client...for some reason this was one of the hardest questions. She is supposed to be almost 6 months. She never was one month, one day, or one second old. She skipped in life and went straight to heaven. I just got overwhelmed with sadness.

Tomorrow is Mothers Day...I have been crabby all week, because I am a mother, but have nothing to show for it. The two things I loved most in life are gone. My sweet Cara and my sweet sweet Charlie. I miss them both more than words can express. I hate getting these sudden rushes of grief. I think that the first three months I literally cried every single day, now its very sporadic...maybe I just get used to the sad feeling? I don't know but now they hit at weird times. Im crabby because I see other people take little things and get mad over them. I see people all around me, having "a bad day" or being "sick" People have no idea how great life is. How great their life is. Sometimes I want to say to them. My daughter is dead. I watched her being born dead...I watched helplessly as they bathed her, as her nose bleed and as she soon turned very pale. I watched MYSELF turn into a monster, not wanting people to hold my daughter, not wanting to hold her and not wanting any pictures. So yes I find myself pissed at others when things are not going their way. But I have to be rational and remind myself I was JUST like them once. Until my world was shattered. Funny how sometime so life shattering has to open up your eyes...

Now more than ever I find myself missing her, missing getting to know her, getting to make sure she is ok. She is not. That hurts...

Ok on a happy note... I was born on my Mothers Birthday Aug 27. (She had preeclampsia TOO). Happy Mothers Day to my Mom...the best mom, the mom who gives me and my brother EVERYTHING. I love you!