The days and weeks after November 17th

Another BLM posted about Zoloft and her struggles with anxiety. It got me thinking about how much I struggled after the first month after losing Cara. I know I did not talk about it much, or blog about it much. Mainly because it was terrifying. I was terrified. It is something no one wants to remember.

This took me almost a year to the date to write...My mom made a comment to a doctor at a last visit "She was in the hospital for a month" I quickly corrected her and said "Moooommmm...it was a week" she responded with "You were sick for a month." Wow I really was!

I want to write this to show everyone a phrase that I never believed and hated to hear in the beginning. "It gets better" I want to show people, that have experienced loss...or that have not...that it takes time. Baby steps. Its learning to live again. Truly that is what it was for me. I not only lost my daughter, I almost lost my own life. BUT it gets better. This I promise you.

My days and weeks after Nov 17th go a little something like this...

The first time I was discharged November 19. (I think...honestly I could not tell you if that was the exact date or not) I was in good spirits. I thought this was it. I am going home, Ill just get on with life no biggie. Do all the normal things. Well I remember crying when I left because of course there was no baby in my arms. It was sunny. Odd, first day it was sunny since I was admitted. I can tell you I went home and my eyes still were not adjusted to colors and light, everything looked a different color. I still saw stars and flashes of light. (Symptoms of Preeclampsia) I remember my parents stayed a while with me and helped me do laundry. My mom helped me shower. I remember saying to my mom, I think I should go back to the hospital.  I was so scared not to have people monitoring me every minute.  What if something happened to me? I think I spoke with the on call doctor that night about three different times. I had an appointment with a doctor about every other day to check my blood pressure because it was still so high. I slept, and would wake up around 5 am (this was my routine for the next couple weeks) I think my body thought it was supposed to be up and nursing a baby. I also had horrible night sweats. From being sick, from hormones? Who knows.

The next few days I would sit there all day long and watch the clock. I wouldn't eat much...was not hungry. I just counted down the hours until I could sleep again. That would mean I am a day further away from this nightmare. I knew that 6 weeks postpartum that is typically when one is in the clear.  I was too afraid to go anywhere. I did not want to go far just in case I had a stroke or a seizure.

I remember the day of my daughters funeral. It was November 21, two days after I was sent home. I remember asking the doctor if I would seize if I got too upset and my blood pressure spiked. I was too nervous to cry to much at my own daughters funeral! That was the first day I felt the thumping of blood rushing in my ears. ( A sign of high blood pressure) The next day Sunday the 22 I was readmitted. My blood pressure was off the charts. They wanted me to go straight to the emergency room. There it never came down and I spent the next three days on magnesium sulfate ( anti seizure drug)  and bed rest. That was the scariest time for me, my platelets dropped, everything was going back down. Doctors came in to talk to me about fatty liver disease, seizure pads on my bed...etc. At that point is where I was diagnosed with Postpartum Preeclampsia and HELLP.

When I was released the second and final time is when everything came crashing down. I saw my doctor three times a week for almost three weeks to check my blood pressure. I because obsessed with my health and obsessed with the fact that I thought I was going to die. I do not know why but I was sure something was going to happen to me. I was scared to be alone. When my husband left for the store for an hour I would have to pop xanex. I would wake up some mornings in a panic and have to rush to my xanex.

Here's where I tell you that after my second admission I agreed to be put on Zoloft. That did not work, I sat all day and stared at that wall. I felt like my mind was a puzzle. I couldn't tell you what day it was. I did not care about anything. That is when I asked for help and was put on xanex and ambien. Basically being sedated all day. But hey, its how I got through. I felt like a crazy woman. Looking back, I did what I had to do.

I couldn't tell you what the hell I did for that month. No idea. I cant tell you ANYTHING about last thanksgiving, except for the fact I counted down the hours until I could take another Xanex and the fact that I calculated how far the hospital was from my parents just in case something happened.

Anxiety like I have never felt and I could never even put into words, was what the weeks after November 17th brought me.

After a month I forced myself to go back to work, I soon realized that getting into a routine was the best thing for me and my mind. It took me a good three months to fully get off xanex, and five months to get off ambien (sleeping drug) I am now still on Zoloft. Never feel like I need xanex. As my pregnancy progresses I hope to not ever feel that anxiety that bad again. Although I know I may.

I can tell you this, if you never make an attempt to try to live your life again. You won't. You will always and forever be stuck in the abyss. Sitting in the darkness...counting down the hours. It took a while for me to be interested in doing things I liked again. For some it takes a few days, others a few years. I still struggle. I will never be the same. However I would not be anywhere near where I am now unless I tried.

Just like with my decision on getting pregnant again. You could walk outside and get struck my lightening. You never know the outcome of anything in life. All you can do is hope for the best. For me my decision was easy. I have doctors now who care, who listen and who take me seriously. Honestly thats all any pregnant woman needs. Thats all anyone needs that is going through any type of medical crisis.

There are a lot of minuses due to what happened to me. I could sit here for days and list them off. There are also a lot of pluses. I got to see what a beautiful little girl my husband and I created. All the lives myself and Cara have touched. The difference I can make in others lives through the Preeclampsia Forums. The knowledge and awareness I now have about my health, and the fact that I can spread it to others. Most of all the lesson that you can't control anything in life...and you really can't plan for much either.

Thats my story about the days and weeks after the fact...

The return of a different dog

So far so good. Gia is back from her one month stay at boot camp. Gia has never in her life been able to "sit stay" or "heel" or walk into petsmart without embarrassing the crap out of my husband and I. People see her on a walk and run for cover, she lunges, foams at the mouth, yanks, chokes herself...you name it. If Gia was on a walk (or taking me for a walk) and saw another dog or person, it was screaming, pulling, yanking me down the block. Gia NEVER goes on walks. Gia NEVER goes anywhere with us. We never had people over. Gia NEVER has been in a public setting.


Welllllll.....she is a totally new dog. Gia can sit, stay, heel, walk beside you and look at you. Walk past another dog without batting an eye. We even took her to petsmart tonight and walked around and when people came up to her she SAT!!!! I was sooo proud to walk around and show her off. Its amazing when people say wow she is a good dog! I will be posting a video of her walking and training on my facebook soon here. I am so excited that I can actually take my dog for a walk and be a normal person with a normal dog!

Gia also has separation anxiety. HATES being alone. NEVER EVER EVER used to even be in a different room than us. As we speak she is downstairs chewing a bone. Im upstairs. Gia also used her teeth to get out of her metal cage. In the process lost 6 teeth...and blood. Well her trainer said she is kennel trained again. So we are going to give it a try for her and see how it goes. Separation anxiety is something you may never cure, but having a trained dog that you can actually introduce to society again, and can look forward to training, gives her a purpose and can take her mind off being bored. She should be so tired from training with us a few times a week that she should not have anxiety.

Yes an old dog can learn new tricks. She is 4. Yes I will do ANYTHING for my dogs. Yes they are my children and yes dogs can all benifit from a personal training. It was priceless and worth every penny!

17 weeks...still a boy!!

 

Yup thats a hand above his head! Hi Mommy!!

The purpose of a Dog

As many of you know I lost my Charlie three months after losing Cara. A week after she passed he needed emergency back surgery and was paralyzed. I believe God did that to me because for the next three months I did nothing but focus on Charlie. It in a way helped me with my loss from Cara. Gave me something to focus on. So of course when he passed I felt like a failure yet again. Losing another member of my family. HOWEVER today I think I have some closure...read below...

This is from a 6 year old while his dog was put to sleep

'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good 
life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?'' The 
Six-year-old continued,
  
 ''Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay 
as long.'' 

So Charlie I believe was here to show me love and to help me love again through the most 

difficult time. That was what he was put here for. Love you little man!

Cara's Birthday

I feel odd saying birthday. It should be death day. Birthday's are for happy days, for living babies. Cara's day was everything but happy...she had nothing to celebrate...neither did we.

Originally I wanted to do a balloon release for Cara and invite everyone I knew... I know I blogged in a earlier post that I changed my mind and I did not want to do anything for her. I still am a bit bitter, but I know deep down I will regret it if I don't do SOMETHING. I always seem to regret lots of things when it came to Cara. (Not holding her enough...never kissed her...etc)

With that being said I will be doing a memorial balloon release for her, ONLY difference is I am not inviting the whole world. I can't, because I just feel weird like many people wont understand, or think it is too awkward or sad. I just can't deal with that.

Its nothing personal towards anyone, its just I need to feel 100% comfortable when shedding my emotions about my daughter. VERY few have seen me cry about it. I think my girlfriend Stephanie, my brother Paul, Uncle John, Aunt Pam and obviously my parents and Kyle's parents...and thats it. EVEN when I was in the hospital I HATED that everyone was in the room with us, because I felt awkward crying. EVEN at her funeral I tried not to cry. I guess no one prepares you for those type of things in life. I guess they are things that never cross your mind once. Many think I wonder how sad I will be when my great Aunt passes, or your dogs...etc...no one ever says I wonder how I react when I give birth to death. Morbid...I know...but its real...its the truth...its what happened.

Well as I am slowly learning things are harder than I think they are. Like my ultrasound yesterday with Carter, I cried the whole time. I was so sad and mad about what happened to Cara but so happy for this new life. So the last thing I need is to go haywire on her "birthday." Lord only knows what my feelings will be like that day.

I am learning that I am VERY good at hiding emotions. No one really knows how sad I am on a day to day basis. I think about her and what happened every day, and I am positive I will for the rest of my life. Thats exhausting knowing that every day I know I will be sad at some point. I also notice I get sad at times that I think I am going to be ok. Take Mothers Day for example. I figured just another day no biggie...I laid in bed and cried. I surprised myself on that one!

Most the time I bottle up my feeling because I know deep down people are sick of hearing about it and people think I am being over the top I suppose...sigh

I know that her birthday is on a Wednesday, and as of now I am working  that day. I hope I am ok that day..who knows...what it will being. I just hope no scary flashbacks. We will be holding her memorial the Sunday before, because 3 days before I learned she died...she was still alive...plus its a weekend my family will be able to come.

Ironic

So I was looking through Cara's pictures as I always do and this struck me and never has before. The blanket on my lap in this picture is mine. I sleep with it every night and have since I was little. Well the church on it...just turns out that is the cemetery Cara is buried at in Naperville.

16 week appointment!

Today marks 16 weeks on the dot! We had our growth scan today too with the MFM. As soon as the wand hit my tummy this baby was all over the place. The tech said now she knows why I feel so much movement already! At a point in the ultrasound the baby bought his hand to his face. I started to cry, and continued through the whole ultrasound. A mixture of happy and sad. I was so happy to see this little bugger moving all around but so sad at the same time knowing that was Cara at some point, alive happy and healthy.

My BP was 131/77...131 because my heart rate was 118 because I was soo nervous :) No protein in my urine with a 11 lb weight gain so far!

You may have noticed that above I said "his" hand...Yup its a boy! The tech said 75% positive that it is a boy. Kyle and I both agreed that we did see something there :) Of course that comes with it's own emotions. I am thrilled whatever it is as long as it is alive of course :) At the same time part of me of course was sad. Does this mean that my girl already happened?

I am just soo happy because did I mention baby is measuring 5 days ahead!! :) Did I also mention that if this baby is 100% a boy his name will be Carter Allen?

Next monday I am going to a fancy ultrasound place for a gender ultrasound, so I can get another opinion because really who wants to wait a month?

From here on out I have ultrasounds every month!!

Happy Fall Cara!

"I got three days"

Meet Ashley who has become a good friend of mine. I asked her permission to share this story because it is inspiring in all ways shapes and forms. She suffered from preeclampsia and Hellp syndrome. Please watch and read.

"When my church approached me to do a story & video on our Nolan, I jumped at the chance. I LOVE sharing Nolan's story. It may have the heartbreak, but it has a powerful testimony to life. A life that most Dr's said would never take place.

Dr's believed he had a fatal chromosome disorder and would not sustain life at all. We were even offered an option to deliver prematurely for medical reasons. We obviously declined, we were appalled that they would even consider this, especially with not knowing the facts. Sure, we would like to know what he had, but we would never give up on him no matter what the test results showed.

We did the tests, come to find out days later, he was 100% normal. His amniocentesis came back perfect, he still had a very small heart defect but he was just too small for an unknown reason. This gave me even more drive to fight even harder to prove to these Dr's that they were

wrong.

Thank God for my OB because I am convinced she was the only medical professional that believed in hope for our little guy.

For weeks I fought, bed rest, ultrasounds, knowing our son was too small- measuring weeks behind. Every single ounce counted at this point. Every.single.one. in order to sustain life.

Even the day before he was born and I was admitted to the hospital, I was told by the high risk Dr's that if he were born "right now", there was no hope, he was too small. Little did we know we would find out hours later, the ENTIRE reason he was small was because my body was failing him. I came down with Pre-eclampsia & HELLP syndrome with in hours, and delivered the next morning.

Nolan was 13 ounces and 10.5 inches. He was the size of a 21 week baby, even though I was 26 weeks. Babies become viable and are given the chance to live around 23-24 weeks. He

wasn't even the size of those babies. But he came out crying, and had APGAR scores better than some full term babies.

Never once was anything wrong with Nolan, he was just too small. But he sure did show this world something miraculous, he was a fighter. A testimony to life, the reason I fought.

Through all the heartbreak and anger that he is gone, I can now look back and say...

We got 3 days.

So here is the link to the video my church did for Nolan. I am so happy they wanted to share our miracle with our parish. It shows how special he is, and even in heartbreak, I can look back and say we were lucky to get the 3 days we did given all the odds that were against him.

But I will say, he was absolutely perfect, just too small.

Here is the story that was so kindly written about Nolan."

Click here

Click here to watch Nolan's Video

Ashleys Blog

Such a thing as too nice?

I feel like I may be too nice of a person. I have felt that way most of my life. I let people in quickly and trust quickly. I treat friends not like friends...they are family. I sometimes do not feel like I get the same back.

Its stupid to feel this way and I get aggravated that I do feel this way especially after I was just preaching in my last post to not let the little things in life consume you.

Losing a child has not changed me I am still nice. Watching what I say around certain people. Not talking about my loss to those who believe its to hard or to those who feel like I need to try to move forward.

Lately I have been having a hard time. I have been having some flash backs of what happened last november. I find myself getting more and more nervous as my pregnancy progresses especially before doctor appointments.

Im having a hard time because Cara's birthday is coming up. I wanted to do a balloon release memorial. Now I dont think I want to do anything. I feel like people wont get it. People won't understand and I will be criticized for it. (Especially with all this cyber bullying going on towards BLM's) Here I am again being too nice. Why should I care what others will think. I dont know. I need to learn how to not care. Can someone teach me?

I get so angry now when I think about how I lost Cara and how it could have been prevented. Dare I say that...who cares...I find myself saying how will I be able to be in the hospital hooked up to machine and not have a panic attack about what happened to me last time? My support team and all the BLM's will help me through that. Some of them have done it. I can too.

I am focused on one thing right now. Just getting through this pregnancy with a baby to hold. EVEN its it is not healthy...I can deal with it. All I need is a baby breathing in my arms.

I have finally found myself wanting to shut people out of my life. Even if it is someone who I met for just an hour who said something negative about child loss or preeclampsia or whatever...I get angry and keep it bottled up...even thought 9 times out of 10 I know they did not mean it.

Ugh enough rambling...on another note

I am a few days shy of being 16 weeks pregnant. Got my first hig blood pressure reading. Not high enough to call in (Thank God) After work on thursday (a very busy day for me I may add) I came home and took my BP...I got 122/86...my normal is 108/72 typically. I did not freak out, but it did take it an hour to go down. I am cutting my hours at work in a few weeks here. Hopefully that will help. I just so badly want to make it to 20 weeks without being Chronic. That would be fantastic!

I hope Monday at my 16 week growth scan we will be able to find out which color of the rainbow this baby is? Pink or Blue? I have my names set in stone...now its just the waiting game.

Life is too short

I hope this can bring light to many and show that life is too short. Hug the ones you love and do not let the small things consume your life. Realize that there are many worse things in life than a "glass of milk that had spilled" 

Please, shower this family in support (and pray for them, if you're the praying
type). This beautiful, beautiful young woman not only lost her twins
last weekend, but passed away herself this morning. There are no words.

Learn more about Leslie

First Goal

I have no shared my first goal for this pregnancy yet! My very first goal is to make it to 20 weeks with no high BP...which means I will not be labeled chronic hypertensive. With Cara according to my records...my first high BP was around 27 weeks. I am sure I had some spikes around 26 weeks if by 27 I had a high reading.

Preeclampsia occurs at implantation and is thought to have something to do with a shallow implantation of the placenta. However the symptoms do not NORMALLY show their face until 20 weeks. (Now I say normally because I know a few women who have delivered at 20 weeks due to PE)

So if I make it to 20 weeks with my normal BP I am in the clear from being chronic! 5 more weeks to go! As I near the 20 week mark I am feeling myself getting a bit nervous, since I know that is when PE symptoms can rear their head.

The good things to say

I really think there is no "right" or "wrong" thing to say to a BLM. You just never know what type of battle the people who chose to say things to you are fighting. Some say "mean" things because they are insecure and do not know what to say. Some say "mindless" things because they really are trying to make you feel better. All in for people that have never been in our shoes...just do not know what to say.

Well today I had my annual eye check up. Last year I was 5 months pregnant. I love my doctor and I told him that when I was pregnant I deveoped severe Preeclampsia and HELLP. He knew what they were. Thank God! I sometimes hate going into detail. I told him how I was concerned that I had vision problems for about a month. I lost my vision in my left eye at one point etc. I did not share my outcome of my severe PE. He was very understanding. As my exam went on he asked how my baby was doing. I said she had passed due to the disease. He took out a peice of paper and started writing things down and looking at the screen. He then said "You are on my list of people to pray for. A good friend of ours went through the same thing and lost a child. I pray everything goes well for you" I was so happy that he said that. That was so sweet!

Again not everyone has something to say about your loss that is going to make you feel fantastic. The ones that do we sure never forget! There is never a right thing to say. Just the good things to say!

Whats in a song?

The answer to the question above? Everything!

If I Die Young
The Band Perry

If I die young bury me in silence
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh Oh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even gray, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

If I die young bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand
There's a boy here in town says he'll love me forever
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no I'll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when your dead how people start listenin'

If I die young bury me in silence
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song
Oh oh

The ballad of a dove
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save them for a time when your really gonna need them oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

Taste for a Cure?

October 24th I am attending a Tastefully Simple party that a girlfriend is hosting in honor of Cara. Proceedes will go towards a cure for Preeclampsia.

If you would like to purchase anything please see the link below!

Okay here’s the deal. To order online, you basically just select my name (Rachael Young)  when you Check-out. It’s a small step, but it’s VERY important because if someone doesn’t, the purchase doesn’t get credited to my account for the donation.  If you want, I can send emails out too from the actual Tastefully Simple website. Or I can give you my log-in and you can do it.

Click here: Tastefully Simple for Cara!

After you make your choices and go to the Check-Out, look on the right hand side that says “FIND HOST/EVENT".

 

Then search by my name & Illinois.

Click “SELECT” and then it will bring you back to the Check-Out area.

THANK YOU!! : )