The days and weeks after November 17th

Another BLM posted about Zoloft and her struggles with anxiety. It got me thinking about how much I struggled after the first month after losing Cara. I know I did not talk about it much, or blog about it much. Mainly because it was terrifying. I was terrified. It is something no one wants to remember.

This took me almost a year to the date to write...My mom made a comment to a doctor at a last visit "She was in the hospital for a month" I quickly corrected her and said "Moooommmm...it was a week" she responded with "You were sick for a month." Wow I really was!

I want to write this to show everyone a phrase that I never believed and hated to hear in the beginning. "It gets better" I want to show people, that have experienced loss...or that have not...that it takes time. Baby steps. Its learning to live again. Truly that is what it was for me. I not only lost my daughter, I almost lost my own life. BUT it gets better. This I promise you.

My days and weeks after Nov 17th go a little something like this...

The first time I was discharged November 19. (I think...honestly I could not tell you if that was the exact date or not) I was in good spirits. I thought this was it. I am going home, Ill just get on with life no biggie. Do all the normal things. Well I remember crying when I left because of course there was no baby in my arms. It was sunny. Odd, first day it was sunny since I was admitted. I can tell you I went home and my eyes still were not adjusted to colors and light, everything looked a different color. I still saw stars and flashes of light. (Symptoms of Preeclampsia) I remember my parents stayed a while with me and helped me do laundry. My mom helped me shower. I remember saying to my mom, I think I should go back to the hospital.  I was so scared not to have people monitoring me every minute.  What if something happened to me? I think I spoke with the on call doctor that night about three different times. I had an appointment with a doctor about every other day to check my blood pressure because it was still so high. I slept, and would wake up around 5 am (this was my routine for the next couple weeks) I think my body thought it was supposed to be up and nursing a baby. I also had horrible night sweats. From being sick, from hormones? Who knows.

The next few days I would sit there all day long and watch the clock. I wouldn't eat much...was not hungry. I just counted down the hours until I could sleep again. That would mean I am a day further away from this nightmare. I knew that 6 weeks postpartum that is typically when one is in the clear.  I was too afraid to go anywhere. I did not want to go far just in case I had a stroke or a seizure.

I remember the day of my daughters funeral. It was November 21, two days after I was sent home. I remember asking the doctor if I would seize if I got too upset and my blood pressure spiked. I was too nervous to cry to much at my own daughters funeral! That was the first day I felt the thumping of blood rushing in my ears. ( A sign of high blood pressure) The next day Sunday the 22 I was readmitted. My blood pressure was off the charts. They wanted me to go straight to the emergency room. There it never came down and I spent the next three days on magnesium sulfate ( anti seizure drug)  and bed rest. That was the scariest time for me, my platelets dropped, everything was going back down. Doctors came in to talk to me about fatty liver disease, seizure pads on my bed...etc. At that point is where I was diagnosed with Postpartum Preeclampsia and HELLP.

When I was released the second and final time is when everything came crashing down. I saw my doctor three times a week for almost three weeks to check my blood pressure. I because obsessed with my health and obsessed with the fact that I thought I was going to die. I do not know why but I was sure something was going to happen to me. I was scared to be alone. When my husband left for the store for an hour I would have to pop xanex. I would wake up some mornings in a panic and have to rush to my xanex.

Here's where I tell you that after my second admission I agreed to be put on Zoloft. That did not work, I sat all day and stared at that wall. I felt like my mind was a puzzle. I couldn't tell you what day it was. I did not care about anything. That is when I asked for help and was put on xanex and ambien. Basically being sedated all day. But hey, its how I got through. I felt like a crazy woman. Looking back, I did what I had to do.

I couldn't tell you what the hell I did for that month. No idea. I cant tell you ANYTHING about last thanksgiving, except for the fact I counted down the hours until I could take another Xanex and the fact that I calculated how far the hospital was from my parents just in case something happened.

Anxiety like I have never felt and I could never even put into words, was what the weeks after November 17th brought me.

After a month I forced myself to go back to work, I soon realized that getting into a routine was the best thing for me and my mind. It took me a good three months to fully get off xanex, and five months to get off ambien (sleeping drug) I am now still on Zoloft. Never feel like I need xanex. As my pregnancy progresses I hope to not ever feel that anxiety that bad again. Although I know I may.

I can tell you this, if you never make an attempt to try to live your life again. You won't. You will always and forever be stuck in the abyss. Sitting in the darkness...counting down the hours. It took a while for me to be interested in doing things I liked again. For some it takes a few days, others a few years. I still struggle. I will never be the same. However I would not be anywhere near where I am now unless I tried.

Just like with my decision on getting pregnant again. You could walk outside and get struck my lightening. You never know the outcome of anything in life. All you can do is hope for the best. For me my decision was easy. I have doctors now who care, who listen and who take me seriously. Honestly thats all any pregnant woman needs. Thats all anyone needs that is going through any type of medical crisis.

There are a lot of minuses due to what happened to me. I could sit here for days and list them off. There are also a lot of pluses. I got to see what a beautiful little girl my husband and I created. All the lives myself and Cara have touched. The difference I can make in others lives through the Preeclampsia Forums. The knowledge and awareness I now have about my health, and the fact that I can spread it to others. Most of all the lesson that you can't control anything in life...and you really can't plan for much either.

Thats my story about the days and weeks after the fact...