Its stupid to feel this way and I get aggravated that I do feel this way especially after I was just preaching in my last post to not let the little things in life consume you.
Losing a child has not changed me I am still nice. Watching what I say around certain people. Not talking about my loss to those who believe its to hard or to those who feel like I need to try to move forward.
Lately I have been having a hard time. I have been having some flash backs of what happened last november. I find myself getting more and more nervous as my pregnancy progresses especially before doctor appointments.
Im having a hard time because Cara's birthday is coming up. I wanted to do a balloon release memorial. Now I dont think I want to do anything. I feel like people wont get it. People won't understand and I will be criticized for it. (Especially with all this cyber bullying going on towards BLM's) Here I am again being too nice. Why should I care what others will think. I dont know. I need to learn how to not care. Can someone teach me?
I get so angry now when I think about how I lost Cara and how it could have been prevented. Dare I say that...who cares...I find myself saying how will I be able to be in the hospital hooked up to machine and not have a panic attack about what happened to me last time? My support team and all the BLM's will help me through that. Some of them have done it. I can too.
I am focused on one thing right now. Just getting through this pregnancy with a baby to hold. EVEN its it is not healthy...I can deal with it. All I need is a baby breathing in my arms.
I have finally found myself wanting to shut people out of my life. Even if it is someone who I met for just an hour who said something negative about child loss or preeclampsia or whatever...I get angry and keep it bottled up...even thought 9 times out of 10 I know they did not mean it.
Ugh enough rambling...on another note
I am a few days shy of being 16 weeks pregnant. Got my first hig blood pressure reading. Not high enough to call in (Thank God) After work on thursday (a very busy day for me I may add) I came home and took my BP...I got 122/86...my normal is 108/72 typically. I did not freak out, but it did take it an hour to go down. I am cutting my hours at work in a few weeks here. Hopefully that will help. I just so badly want to make it to 20 weeks without being Chronic. That would be fantastic!
4 comments:
Cyber bullying BLMs? Really? This is the first I've heard about it. How horrible!
And I don't blame you at all for shutting some people out, especially right now. You have one important thing to do and that's get that baby here, not worry about what others have to say.
We're always here for you too! Praying for a healthy, full-term baby!
I can relate to this blog completely about being too nice, going above & beyond for others, and not getting the same in return!! It has taken me a long time to finally get to the point where I have cut any and all ties with people who have continuously been selfish and I feel amazing about my decision.
It is too bad when people cannot be supportive for you in such a difficult time. Losing a loved one is never easy and last time I checked their wasn't an expiration date on the grieving process!!! You do what you have been doing Laura ...blogging...FB'ing...talking...whatever you have that right!! Don't let anyone change who you are, and what feels right for you! Do whatever it is that you had planned to celebrate Cara on her birthday! Those that love you & want to support you will be there! Everyone else doesn't matter!
Continued prayers for you & this pregnancy! Take care of yourself like you have been doing and I look forward to all the milestones you continue to reach. XxOo
I find that people don't get it, and I have come to realize that they never will. The nice part of me never wants them to get it b/c that means they would have to go through what we went through...but some days when people are so ignorant I think to myself "If you only knew".
I have had a lot of relationships change in my life since we lost Jackson, and I feel like I am better b/c of it...and as sad as it was to not have those people in my life, I find myself surrounded by people who so understand, people who do get it. I have told myself many times - I would rather have a few close friends who really get me, than a bunch of acquaintances who have no idea.
My fingers are crossed that your BP stays within normal limits. I will be checking back in to see if it will team pink or team blue!!
I don't know what it is about today or what, but I am very emotional, and just coming upon your blog and catching up I find myself crying. I am so happy for you yet I just feel so sad for us BLM's. Why us. Why. I still find myself asking why and getting angry about my whole birth experience and time I lost Naomi. And its been a year and a half almost. But like I was told, it doesn't go away. I dont want to lose that either. But I just like you get angry and upset too. I think we all do. Ill never understand any of it.
But yes, I am too a very nice person, I think way too nice at times, but since the loss of Naomi, a find myself a little less nice, I take things alot personally now. I just cant help it.
And the cyberbullying against blms is just horrible. I only had heard once about it but other than that. That makes me so sick.
I think whatever you feel like doing for Cara's sweet birthday will be beautiful. A balloon release will be wonderful. Thats what I did and had cupcakes K some food and few friends. I was a little worried people would think um a birthday for a baby whos not here? But I didnt care. She is my daughter, forever will be. And I will always celebrate her birthday. Never forgotten. <3 lots of love Laura! You are doing wonderful.
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