I feel odd saying birthday. It should be death day. Birthday's are for happy days, for living babies. Cara's day was everything but happy...she had nothing to celebrate...neither did we.
Originally I wanted to do a balloon release for Cara and invite everyone I knew... I know I blogged in a earlier post that I changed my mind and I did not want to do anything for her. I still am a bit bitter, but I know deep down I will regret it if I don't do SOMETHING. I always seem to regret lots of things when it came to Cara. (Not holding her enough...never kissed her...etc)
With that being said I will be doing a memorial balloon release for her, ONLY difference is I am not inviting the whole world. I can't, because I just feel weird like many people wont understand, or think it is too awkward or sad. I just can't deal with that.
Its nothing personal towards anyone, its just I need to feel 100% comfortable when shedding my emotions about my daughter. VERY few have seen me cry about it. I think my girlfriend Stephanie, my brother Paul, Uncle John, Aunt Pam and obviously my parents and Kyle's parents...and thats it. EVEN when I was in the hospital I HATED that everyone was in the room with us, because I felt awkward crying. EVEN at her funeral I tried not to cry. I guess no one prepares you for those type of things in life. I guess they are things that never cross your mind once. Many think I wonder how sad I will be when my great Aunt passes, or your dogs...etc...no one ever says I wonder how I react when I give birth to death. Morbid...I know...but its real...its the truth...its what happened.
Well as I am slowly learning things are harder than I think they are. Like my ultrasound yesterday with Carter, I cried the whole time. I was so sad and mad about what happened to Cara but so happy for this new life. So the last thing I need is to go haywire on her "birthday." Lord only knows what my feelings will be like that day.
I am learning that I am VERY good at hiding emotions. No one really knows how sad I am on a day to day basis. I think about her and what happened every day, and I am positive I will for the rest of my life. Thats exhausting knowing that every day I know I will be sad at some point. I also notice I get sad at times that I think I am going to be ok. Take Mothers Day for example. I figured just another day no biggie...I laid in bed and cried. I surprised myself on that one!
Most the time I bottle up my feeling because I know deep down people are sick of hearing about it and people think I am being over the top I suppose...sigh
I know that her birthday is on a Wednesday, and as of now I am working that day. I hope I am ok that day..who knows...what it will being. I just hope no scary flashbacks. We will be holding her memorial the Sunday before, because 3 days before I learned she died...she was still alive...plus its a weekend my family will be able to come.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
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9 comments:
I have not experienced loss in the same way you have, but you are aware that I know 2 people in my life that have had the loss of a child. I try & constantly let you know how proud & strong you are for talking, blogging & just getting your feelings out. Lord knows that I don't think that all of your feelings are going to magically disappear or get any easier. I believe that if you were to stop talking & sharing that could cause a lot more pain & sadness. I know I am not stating anything earth shattering but I have seen what doing nothing has done to the other person and it is not anything I would want you to feel or go through on top of your pain you have already. Don't let others dictate what feels right for you. I am so sorry you have to feel sadness. My heart thoughts & prayers go out to you & Kyle. I think that you should do what feels right in memory of Cara on her special day and w/ the ones that you know are supportive & have your best interest at heart!! XxOo
I, too, understand the desire to do something kind of personal due to the overwhelming feeling that people want me to "get over it." I'm glad that you have come to some kind of consensus of what you want to do to honor Cara that day. I'm still thinking it through. ((hugs to you, Cara and Carter always))
First I want to say that I know how you are feeling about Cara's day - I didn't and still don't know what to call it, but regardless of what you call it don't worry about what other people think. I have come to realize and accept that unless someone has been here, they are never going to full get it.
I hope you know that letting your feelings out is not a bad thing, it is healthy, and I hope you continue to do so - if not anywhere else, but on here.
On Jackson's anniversary for the last 2 years I have not worked - and I am not sure I ever will again. Maybe one day in the future I will be ready to, but not anytime soon. Give yourself permission to feel all of the things you are feeling - it is normal.
A balloon release is a great idea - I did one with my husband for Jackson...I stared into the sky at those balloons until they could no longer be seen - all while tears poured down my face. Except this year, I got to rub my belly at the same time. This year I also wrote a letter to Jackson telling him how I felt. Talk to Cara - she is always listening.
Thinking about you, Cara and Carter!
I love how you have chosen to honor Cara on her day. I definitely hope for more understanding and patience for those who have to be around us.
Hugs to you as you prepare for her "dirth-day". It sucks that the day even exists in the first place. You do whatever you feel comfortable doing, and know that you don't have to justify it to anyone.
*peace to you and dh!*
Do whatever you feel is right for Cara. No matter what, that day will be special for you, your husband and Cara (and baby too!). I know what you mean about hiding your emotions. My husband and family were freaked out I wasn't crying enough in the hospital and thought there was something wrong with me. I hate people seeing me cry. I'll be thinking of you and Cara that day!
You gotta celebrate how you feel comfortable and if that means privately you should do that. Mike and I did a private balloon release for Jonathan for his bday because we did not think the family would understand.
There is no right or wrong way to greive.
I feel the same way. I have 13 days until Brenna's Anniversary. I sometimes call it birth day, because it was then that she was born, but not her "birthday". I am not working that day. I just don't think I can and I don't want to have to worry about calling off, etc. We are going to plant a memorial bush that we can watch flower and grow every year. I know she will not grow with it, but I feel a plant that will grow and die is sort of like my love and my emotions. Sometimes I am really OK and "flowering" and others I'm "leafless" as a dormant plant is. I think some people know that after her 1 year then all of a sudden it will all be over and I will not have a reason to be sad. Like time has passed enough. Though, we both know there are so many things coming that will make their short lives and subsequent deaths even harder. Love to you and all of your family. Always loving you all.
I think it's important to honor your daughter in whatever way feels right to you, and an intimate memorial balloon release is a beautiful way to remember her.
I can only image how hard it is for you to navigate Cara's anniversary day (is that a better term than birthday?) and missing your daughter as you also find joy in Carter being with you.
You're in my thoughts. <3
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