Hi I am Laura & I bring bad news...

So seriously...I always feel like I bring bad news to wherever I go. People say "How are you doing?" here are my respondses with where all the bad stuff started to begin

 *My husband had his arms set fire 2 weeks before our wedding  (October08)

 *My husband totaled his car (June 09)

*My sweet Gia was Attacked (June 09)

*My daughter was born still and I was very Ill (Nov 09)

*My sweet Charlie had Major back surgery one week after Cara passed (Nov 09)

* My sweet Charlie crossed over to Rainbow Bridge (March 10)

*My Grandma is very Ill (I have pics but will not even post them. She is down to 80 lbs) (March 10)
*My Grandma is going into hospice (This week)
*Family personal issues (This week)
*Im still trying to figure out how I am with my health

Those have been my responses lately. Today I also found out that something is going on with my Mom. Its personal, and I can't really talk about it, but its killing me not to. It has nothing to do with her health at all so no worries there.

Im just so sorry to people for being such a downer. I dont want people to EVER think I need attention, or am crying for help. My only outlet for my pain and things I have been through and are going through is to talk or blog. So to anyone who will listen to bad news Laura over here thank you so much!

As you can see its just one thing after the other, and as soon as I start to heal emotionally...another pile comes crashing down on me. Please dont get my wrong, I am so thankful for the best husband anyone could ever ask for and for my family. Im thankful that I bounced back from Severe PE and HELLP. Im thankful im here. I try to be positive, but I am not unrealistic. Unfortunately I know all too well far to many things that can happen in life that hopefully no one I directly know ever has to go through. So honestly I need to be realistic. So please dont say "Oh think positive" Did you not think I was thinking positive when they were checking for my little girl's heart beat...when I heard my platelets, kidneys and livers were declining? Or how about when there were seizure pads on my bed at the hospital? Or when Charlie had his back surgery? Im trying to be positive...I was positive...but reality soon sets in.

I have started to share (like actually talk to people) only in depth pieces of my life with the people who I know won't have pity on me, who wont feel sorry for me, or think im exaggerating these situations. I dont need that. I just need people to listen. So I share things with the ones who do.

So many people really dont know what listening is about. Its not about feeling sorry for someone or saying "oh yah that happened to me to" or "oh youll be fine" I dont need that and I dont need your selfishness. I just need your ear not your words.

Trust me I so wish I had tons of good news to share with everyone, but its just not going that way for me. If your a friend you will understand that and just listen and be my friend through all of this. If your not...well life goes on dosnt it?  Maybe some day I can say "My life is fantastic, its ponies and rainbows and butterflies and ice cream sundaes" For now its not. That does not mean next year I wont win the lottery and have triplets with no Preeclampsia...but for now im Laura & I bring bad news.

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I created a page on Facebook on Pregnancy complications and health in general. Please Come join!

Necklace for Gram

This is a necklace that Crystal  made for my Gram, and had it sent to the hospital. It was so thoughtful and so beautiful! I can't wait for Gram to see it!

I did not have a miscarriage!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok so seriously...someone needs to clear this up for me. I have had a few doctors say to me when reviewing my charts "So you had a late term miscarriage...?" WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Uh no. CLEARLY I DID NOT! My baby was born, like epidural pushing, placenta being pulled out of me, bleeding & tearing down there style!!!!!!

NOT THAT A MC IS ANY EASIER and belive me I KNOW that its still a baby. Its just that my baby COULD have lived...typically with MC babies are far too premature to live. I was almost 31 weeks! I know babies born and made it at 31 weeks, so dont compare me to a MC.

Im sorry if I am being harsh in this post, but me almost dying and being able to hold a dead baby with finger nails, eyelashes, eyebrows, and not to mention having to have a baby baptized and have a funeral I think is a while different ballgame than a MC.

I know a few people that I personally know also "think" I had a MC....ok really. Do I not post enough pictures of Cara or what? I want people to know its different than a MC. I was in labor, I needed pitocin, all the nine yards! It frustrates me! Also makes me sad because then they dont know that my daughter "could" have lived...if this disease was caught...BUT that is a whole different story that someday I will possibly be able to tell.  It is because of PREECLAMPSIA that my daughter is not here. My daughter was 2 lbs 11oz 16 in. A lot of full term babies are 17 inches...so you do the math there.

Again I am not comparing a MC to this. I can imagine how hard a MC must be. Promises and hope all thrown out the window. BUT PLEASE please DO NOT say that to me! I am still so confused as to why a doctor would think its a MC?

GRRRRR

March for Babies 2010

Let me start by saying a big THANK YOU to every person who donated!

Today I walked for not only Cara but for all the angel babies that were born earth angels only to fly back home.

Let me also say that on our way there Cara's song "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flats came on...seriously! On top of that when we were walking we realized that we would walk right past the cemetery that she is laid to rest! How crazy is that!

Looking forward to next years walk...hopefully pushing a baby in a stroller!

Cara's book of life

When Cara was born I wanted everything out of my house, all my shower gifts, her swing, clothes, her baby book...everything. When I came home it was like I was never pregnant. My house was eerie.


Today my Mom brought me Cara's baby book, where I filled out everything up to my baby shower which was a week before I admitted myself to the hospital. Today I will finish filling in the rest of Cara's book for her. I thought I would share with you all the note that I wrote to her. It's  the first note I wrote on paper for her.

Dear Cara,
Although you came far too soon and mommy was too sick to hold you safely, I still love you more than words can express. If you could only have seen how much you were loved the day you were born...but I know you felt it from heaven. You were created out of love and will always be with Daddy and I safely in our hearts. Not one single day will go by without a thought of your sweet tiny face filling our minds. I know that whenever I think of you I see the picture that is on my blog. Thats how I want to remind you. In a sweet dress with a pink Hat...peaceful. You are now with Mommy in everything I do, and everything I do is for you and in your memory. You truly were an Angel and I have never seen a more perfect little girl. You truly were too beautiful for earth. Charlie who was going to be your dog here on earth to watch over you was taken from Mommy as well, but Mommy believes that he is in heaven now to watch over you since God knows your up there alone. Im so sorry my body failed you. I love you forever and as long as Im living my baby youll be. 


Love
Mommy




It hurts to fill out the rest of this book. They asked what color her eyes were. They were never opened, however I could have sworn they were at one point and they were steal Grey (I honestly thing it was just a hallucination because of how sick I was, because my husband said her eyes were never open)

I just took out her bag of "things" her baby blanket she was wrapped in still smells like her. There is even still blood on it. I will never wash it.

Ok so question...does anyone know why stillborn babies lips are blood red?

Why do their noses bleed? Caras nose bled after birth?

Those are just a few of my unanswered questions.

The glass Cemetery

So ever since I was pregnant and lost Cara I dream like crazy. Mostly in color, but my dreams are so real. As some of you may know I had a dream when I was a few months pregnant that Cara was born premature. I had a dream a few weeks before her death that she died and my dream took place in the hospital and was surrounded by sadness. Freaky when dreams come true hey? Most of us wish our dreams come true...In my case I dont!

I have only had 2 dreams of Cara since November. In my first one she was alive and smiling, it was a very quick glimpse of her. This dream was different. In this dream I was in a cemetery. Not her cemetery she is laid to rest in. This one looked like a park and was filled with people and their dogs walking around. Dogs were running everywhere. In this cemetery it was all a glass floor and I looked down in the glass and saw Cara's face just like she looked when she was born. I remember I cried a ton in this dream and remembered that I did not care if the people around me heard me. When I looked down in the glass I could see all the other people that had since passed too. It was just their heads. Such a weird bizarre dream.

I know there were dogs in this dream to show me that Cara is up there happy with Charlie. Possibly I saw her dead in my dream to show that my grieving is beginning to have some closure and realization that she is never going to be here again. She will never be alive?

Part of me wanted to start a dream blog. I think ill just blog about it here. :) My next blog I would like to start would be my TTC blog...hopefully sometime soon here.

If you want to leave thoughts on this dream that would be cool. I know a lot of people are into reading dreams!

Happy Birthday Charlie

Today Charlie would have been 5! Happy Birthday Handsome!

Gram

I hate when this happens. Im in the shower and I can't get out quick enough to blog!

As most of you know My Gram is sick. Sick as in, she is not doing well at all. She is giving up her fight. Gram has been in the hospital going on 8 weeks. She has not eaten real food in 8 weeks. Not been able to breathe on her own for more than hours at a time in 8 weeks. She has not gotten out of that bed...in 8 weeks.

Im realizing that she is wanting to give up. That puts me in panic mode for many reasons. I have my own selfish reasons...I dont know if I can handle another funeral. No one in my family has ever passed on! The only person was my sweet Cara.  Second selfish reason is I don't want to see my Dad suffer or my Pap Pap. My Grandparents just celebrated their 57 anniversary, she can't go now! It puts me in panic mode because im 26 and I have never experienced a death in the family besides my own daughter. I want to keep everyone in my family. I dont want anyone else to go...EVER.

So today I have decided to write her a letter, and I did. I am sending it to her today and enclosing some pictures of her and Pap Pap from my wedding. Hopefully this will brighten her spirits! The doctors says she is doing ok physically, she is down to 80 pounds but she is 70% where she needs to be on the ventilator, but its mentally thats the problem.

Here is where I put out a request to any of you that make things, a collage, if your a photographer and have taken a pretty picture of a flower, have a cut out of a butterfly...anything. I am asking if you could send them to her. Even if its a quote in a card. You can sign your name and put under it "friend of Laura Meindel's" You can email me personally for her address, my Pap Pap will take it to the hospital.

My family has been through a lot. The death of my daughter and not even a week later my Dad's Aunt (Which is Gram's Sister passed) Charlie (our dog who meant a lot to the family)  had emergency surgery, then Charlie passed. My Gram's need all the support she can get.

Thanks everyone!

3 is a crowd?

So I have been thinking about this since Charlie grew his wings... (Our chihuahua)

I have always wanted to rescue a dog. Gia our Pit Bull is from a breeder and Arthur is from Petland because the day after Charlie died I could not bare it. I was 100% devastated and needed instant gratification. In a way I am mad at myself. I never wanted to purchase another puppy from a pet store (Thats where Charles was from) But then again ALL DOGS need homes. Arthur is so fantastic! He really is and I am glad I found him. Plus he was born exactly 1 week after Cara on 11/24/09 so I think that did me in right there.

HOWEVER I have ALWAYS  wanted 3 dogs. If you know me you know my love for animals especially dogs is unconditional. Ever since I was little my love for animals was insane! I volunteered at the Humane Society  for a year, as well as worked at a Vet. My dogs are always spoiled rotten and as most of you know get the best medical attention as well as human interaction attention. My life would never ever be complete without my furry friends.

Ok so my issue is I want to rescue a dog. Badly. I just don't feel complete without it. I know I am going to be working on having a child within the next 6 months, but would 3 be so bad? (It would be a small dog, as right now in life Gia is enough to handle) Some people say...now way you wont be able to handle it...My argument is that I handled the death of my daughter and 1 week later major back surgery for my Charlie that left him paralyzed for 2 months, and then handled the death of him. Dogs make me soo incredibly happy and not to mention im gonna need some companionship for I am guessing I will need bed rest with my next pregnancy sometime!

Thoughts?

Tee Shirts are in

The influential people in my life

I feel compelled to write this entry. Many of you have told me time and time again how strong I am. Well let me show you the people in my life who have helped me become the person I am today. I love EVERYONE in my life...however I cant blog about every family member (I have a huggge family...Im the eldest of 15 cousins...ONE ONE SIDE, and my husband had 7 brothers and sisters) But I want to touch on the people that have make a major impact on my life.

Mom~

My mom is my best friend. I can tell her anything. We have so much fun when we are together. I am always so proud to tell people that she is my mother when 99% of the time people think she is my sister. She is beautiful and outgoing and always a blast to be around. My Mom has always been so passionate about her job and what she does and that is where I get my passion for my job and my job to help others in life. My mom is a giver. She will give anything to anyone, especially her children. I know that she would do anything for me at any given moment. We share something very special. My mother has Preeclampsia and I was born on her birthday after 36 hours of labor. So we share our birthday together. I can't imagine my life without my mother in it ever. She is an inspiration and is one of the strongest women I know. She holds her own in a very fast paced business world filled with TONS of hours and tons of people to manage, but she does it and always has. My mom also stayed every single night with me in the hospital. EVERY one. Never left me along. Frankly I was too scared to be alone, so I am forever thankful for that. She took great care of me at the hospital and when I came home. Laundry, cleaning, dishes, helping me shower. You name it.  I love you Mom, love your Messy.

Dad~

Growing up I was always Daddy's Little Girl. Some things never change. When I was little I was 100% positive I had the coolest dad around. I still think that. My dad has a passion for life that I only wish every person could have. My dad never gives up on anyone, not me, my brother, his mother (who is very ill) or his granddaughter. If Cara was alive she would be one lucky little girl, the love he shared and shares for her is incredible. My Dad was always there for me, taking me to school, helping me paint, helping with yard work...you name it he was there. I am so lucky to have him as my father.  Love your Nag.

Mom & Dad

Just a quick blurb. My parents met when they were in highschool and have been married for 30 years. Their love and devotion for each other is constant.


Paul~

My brother. One of my best friends. I can talk to my brother about ANYTHING. Always have, always will. We were always partners in crime! Paul is another person who was always at the hospital with me when I was "sick." I remember one day he just sat there all day, when I was just lying there with no lights on...no tv...no nothing...all day. He always is there when I need him and he is a very strong individual, with a strong personality. (Tends to be typical in my family ha!) My brother is also the God Father of my daughter, he loves her more than she will ever know. Love ya Bro, Worwa

Kyle~

Well what can I say? This man has patience of a saint. I have known Kyle since 2002, and we have been married since 2008. He is the other half to my puzzle.  He is a very calm, cool and collected guy. He is always willing to help anyone, never to expect anything in return . Kyle cooks, cleans and helps me with anything I would ever ask. Kyle is one of 8, and he is the oldest. His parents love for another is inspiring. Kyle's parents also lost a child. Ryan Kyles younger brother. Ryan was 9 months old when he passed away. Unknown causes. So sad, and so sad they have to watch their son go through that as well. Must have been so hard. Kyle parent's were there for my delivery and were there to support Kyle while I was so sick. Kyle also stayed with me every night in the hospital and barely left my side. He fed me, and sat there for a week straight in my room with me. One night (after I delivered Cara) I was soo scared to sleep. He got in the hospital bed with me (and my cords, iv's and blood pressure cuff).  Kyle was the best father to our little girl Cara in the short time he was with her. Holding her every moment he could. Love you always :)

Grammy & Pappy

My Pappy & Grammy share something with me in common. Their last name is Angel...my middle name is Angel :) They are both very very special people to me that I hold deep within my heart. As a little girl, I LOVED spending time of them, and loved to show off both of them to all my friends. After all I did have the BEST grandparents around. When I was little every year until about 2003 Christmas Eve was ALWAYS held at Grammy & Pappy's with the traditional Italian feast. (Pappy grew up in a small town in Italy) Grammy and Pappy have been married 56 years. Their love for each other is like straight from a movie. My Pappy was in the Korean War where he was shot through the mouth, back and leg. When he was fighting in the war, he was shot in the chest...in the chest pocket he had a holy bible...the bullet stopped on the last page. He still has the bible with the bullet in it and I have seen it for myself. My sweet daughter was buried in my Grammy's plot. That had to be hard for them to decide since they still are here with us. I will forever know that one day Cara will be safe and sound with her Great Grammy :) Love you both your Darling.

Cardiologist appointment

Let me start off by saying the hospital that all my new doctors are at is HUGGGE its like a maze. So I arrived to my appointment and I was not as anxious as I thought I would be. Time heals *most* wounds hey? So of course I take a wrong turn and end up walking through the actually hospital part like where they admit patients  and where there are machines and beeping noises all over the place. You have to be kidding me. I could feel my heart start to race. Then I quickly just reminded myself that Im JUST here for a doctors appointment...not to be admitted. (Although every time I go to the doctors I have a lingering fear that they will find something crazy wrong with me and I will be admitted)

So as I continued to walk...I see this women and a man standing outside a room and I over hear the women as I walked past say "They could not find the baby's heartbeat" YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING RIGHT?...Keep walkin sista.

I finally made it to my appointment 20 minutes early. I know if I am early to appointments that I wont have anymore needed anxiety. Finally the nurse called me back and took my vitals. 128 lbs. (1 LB away from pre pregnancy weight) and BP 120/80...WHICH is high for me. BUUUT whenever im at the doctors its typically higher. Mine this morning was 100/68 just for an example. They of course performed an EKG (Electro Cardiogram) on me right then and there...normal. (That would be my 4th one of my life and all 4 in the past 2 years!)  The EKG works by detecting and amplifying the tiny electrical changes on the skin during each heart beat.It also records cardiac activity of your heart.

So the doctor came in and he was great. He explained to me that yes my cholesterol is high and due to my family history on both sides of heart disease/strokes etc AND due to having such elevated Blood Pressures with my preeclampsia...that I am to have an 2D Echo Cardiogram (which is an ultrasound of the heart to see how well its working from within) and a Stress Test (which is where I will run on a tread mill and have my blood pressure taken and then pictures of my heart taken as well) This test will comfirm if I have any heart disease.

Im totally nervous about having these tests done but I know they are to my benefit. Im so worried that my anxiety will effect the results of the test?! I have that done in about 2 weeks, and go for results a week later.

Now most my questions I had for the Doctor (how can I measure if I have high cardiac output?, Should I be taking cholesterol meds while pregnant?  Elasticity of artery walls...etc) those will be answered after he can view my results from my test and I have an appointment May 5th for that. I just wish it was mid May because  then I would know everything about whats going on! I do have to have some more extensive blood work done for my cholesterol, I will do that next week.

Funny thing about any appointments I make...its sort of like an all day thing. For example today my apt was at 1 (the hospital is about 45 min away without traffic and I like to be early) I left at 11:30 and got home at 2:30...most the time my doctor appointments take about an hour or more because there is just so much crap always going on! UGH! Trust me I will be happy when I get the clean bill of health and will be able to TTC then I wont have any doc appointments until I conceive...then I go down a whole new path.

Third time's a charm

3 posts in one day...wow! So im posting just because I want to tell myself im proud of me. Im proud of how far I have came. From Nov17-Dec 19 those days were filled with nothing...or filled with "do I have a blood clot?...What if I have a stroke?...My heart rate is so high...what if I have a heart attack?" Like I have said before the first month was not filled with me grieving for Cara. They were filled with fear of my own life. After being sent home sick and readmitted even sicker...its scary shit! Sitting in an ER for 3 hours while doctors failed to get my BP to go down...followed by myself being re-admitted and walking into my room filles with seizure pads "just incase" and a doctor and 2 nurses...ahhh! Most my days I sat on the couch taking my blood pressure every hour. Mind RACING, tears flowing. I could not even look at the Preeclampsia Forums or I would get major anxiety. Anxiety in such a way that I would pace back and forth. Even thinking about it drives me mad!

BUT I am proud of myself. I now probably spend wayyyy to much time online WAY to much. That is what helps me. Plus I am trying to help others. I volunteer for the PE forums, will be reading a poem I wrote at the promise walk for Preeclampsia. I have met seriously over 50 women who have all lost children or had a preeclamptic pregnancy. I reach out to whom ever I can. Because I care and because I am trying to help. I am trying to share my story and Cara's story with the world and I am damn proud of it.

Dont get me wrong I can never be healed from any of this and I will forever carry a pain with me and emotionally never be the same but I am making something out of this! In my daughters memory. Im proud of me!

Shelly's Story

Shelly's Story

This story needs to be shared...this is the same disease that took my daughter from me and alsmot took my life. Hopefully Shelly's story can help people see the serious-ness of this disease.

**Thinking of Shelly and her family

Anger

My knowledge of grief is that it comes in stages. One of the last stages is anger. Well im so angry. Im angry that my daughter is not here...(if thats not obvious...)

She will never wear ballet slippers, or a prom dress. She will never laugh or smile. She will forever be 6 feet under. It pains me to know that she is not here for other reasons that are part of my anger issues.

This is another issue that angers me. I swear to God if I EVER hear someone tell me "your young and healthy" I will SNAP on them. Yah I get it...im young...however I have experienced more in my life that anyone can possibly imagine (unless of course you have buried your own Daughter or Son) Its nothing anyone can ever explain...there are just are not words. So dont tell me im young...age is nothing but a number, really its not. Just because your older means NOTHING to me and I dont give a shit how old you are, it means nothing to me anymore. You do not know more than I do because your age.

Im trying not to judge people really im not. Its just so hard when people think their lives are over because they broke a nail or boo hoo they have to work late, or oh boy life is so stressful because they have a 200$ cell phone bill. You better know better than to come to me with your problems. I also know that everyones problems are equal, I guess its just that when im having a bad day and missing my daughter I get kinda frustrated. I just dont care as much over the little things in life like I once used to.

Yah im 25 so I get it...Im healthy. Im really not as healthy as most 25 years old's are. I have high cholesterol. Im not talking about cholesterol in the 200's. Im talking 400's. Its hereditary, and I have been to numerous doctors. I could eat lettuce all day and still have high cholesterol. Its hereditary. Nothing but medication brings mine down and it has been that way since I was a mere 1 month old and since I was medicated at 18 years old. I have a blood clotting disorder, yes its common among most americans, but mine did not help when I developed Preeclampsia and HELLP. Then there is Preeclampsia and HELLP multi system organ failure, and now I am still spilling protein which could mean kidney damage...so dont...dont say oh your healthy you will be fine. I WAS A RUNNER! WITH BODY FAT OF 22 AND A PERFECT BMI and I lost my baby, I developed a disease that only 5% of pregnant women develop...I was that 5% so please dont even go there with the health shit. I know whats healthy whats not, and I now know more about my body and what could and couldnt happen than I ever thought was possible.

Another thing...when I get pregnant again I am going to be realistic, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I am NOT being negative, however I am being realistic. You have to be! I need to say you know what I may get preeclampsia and if I do I am prepared and ready. I will make sure I am as prepared as I can be. I also need to know that with my clotting disorder, and all the other crap now going on, I may not bring a baby home. I need to know that. I hope to God every day that I will, and trust me I am DETERMINED to bring home a healthy child, but I need to know I am STILL in that 5%. Everyone  always says "oh you'll be fine" That drives me nuts because no one knows for sure. Everyone thought that the first time...ugh.

I can honestly say that my life will forever not be complete. What people do not understand is that even if I have 2 more healthy babies, there will always be a void in my life.

Welcome earthside Wyatt!

Welcome Wyatt! This little peanut is my Best Freinds baby boy. Wyatt was born 4/7/10. I went to see him today and of course I cried when I held him for the first time. I was overcome with happiness and sadness all at the same time. I was due in January and Steph was due 2.5 months later, so it was pretty hard watching her go through all the joy when I was left with all the pain. We were supposed to be pregnant together, have babies together, to grow up together, but now my life has obviously taken a different turn.

I share something that she will never share with me. The pain of loss. So its tough, but hes super cute and just makes me determined to bring home a baby in my future. Its kind of surreal that this is all happening so fast. Everyones lives are filled with such happiness, and mine is filled with a hole.

I watched her whole birth, on video. I wanted to. It was great and seriously effortless. I envy that now. I had a great birth (given how sick I was) It was not painful, I would do it all over again. Just my outcome is not so great...obviously.

Seeing all these cute newborns that seem to surround me everywhere I go gives me with hope...hope that I too will be blessed one day!

A big thanks!

A big thank you to Franchesca @ Small Bird Studio. My blog looks fantastic AND  I can't stop looking at it! I was so afraid to change it because when I TTC, I wanted to keep this blog...Now I have decided when we are pregnant again I will just make another :) Cara deserves her own page :)

My baby shower

Below is a link that my Uncle and Aunt created for me during my baby shower. After I delivered Cara I deleted everything from my baby shower since it was not even 2 weeks prior. So I am trying to get everything back!

My baby shower

Hopefully this link works.

Here are some pics...

Holiday schmoliday and I am not the strongest person you know

I hate every holiday. I used to LOVE Halloween and Thanksgiving. Yah no.

Halloween I hate because it reminds me that I still had Cara, she was still safe in my belly. Thanksgiving...dont even get me started, I was still doped up on all medications and it was really all a blur. It was a few days after I was released from the hospital...for the SECOND time. Yah no thanks to thanksgiving.

Christmas well that was not too bad because Cara was not even supposed to be born yet. SO I GUESS I can let that one slide.

Easter. Oh thats right...today is Easter. I kind of let holidays creep up on me and I dont nearly pay attention to them anymore like I once did. I did not even get anyone a "Hoppy" Easter card. Holidays are just not important. Today is hard because Cara is supposed to be here. She is supposed to be 3 months old. She was supposed to be baptized, and she was supposed to just be here. Shes not. Oh yah not to mention whats next...Mother Day! Yay....

You know what would make me happy, if people would wish my Daughter Happy Easter, or Merry Christmas. Send her a card in the mail to me, just remember her. I know some people do, like all my angel Mommy friends, but a lot done, like my friends that are close to me. I know I can't expect people to do those things. It just would be nice. I sure hope when her birthday rolls around that she will get some cards...

Its still so surreal, to know that I am a mother of a child that is not here on earth. WTF!? Is this serious? I was ALWAYS that person that said oh that could never happen to me...well it did.

Ok so on to the second part of why I am posting. I am not the strongest person you know. Really I am not. I guess it bugs me when some will say "your just so strong, I dont know how I could have ever done it" Ok but you never know what you can or can't do until sometime happens. You get through it...you just do. Its just weird to hear people say that they couldnt do it. You learn. You learn to breathe again, how to live again and how to just be again.

Hoppy Easter Nolan, Jett, Eli, Cora, Vincent, Chase, Emma, Janessa, Kasey, Jenna, Brenna, Naomi, and all other Angel babies up in heaven!

Happy Easter

Love Mommy