My knowledge of grief is that it comes in stages. One of the last stages is anger. Well im so angry. Im angry that my daughter is not here...(if thats not obvious...)
She will never wear ballet slippers, or a prom dress. She will never laugh or smile. She will forever be 6 feet under. It pains me to know that she is not here for other reasons that are part of my anger issues.
This is another issue that angers me. I swear to God if I EVER hear someone tell me "your young and healthy" I will SNAP on them. Yah I get it...im young...however I have experienced more in my life that anyone can possibly imagine (unless of course you have buried your own Daughter or Son) Its nothing anyone can ever explain...there are just are not words. So dont tell me im young...age is nothing but a number, really its not. Just because your older means NOTHING to me and I dont give a shit how old you are, it means nothing to me anymore. You do not know more than I do because your age.
Im trying not to judge people really im not. Its just so hard when people think their lives are over because they broke a nail or boo hoo they have to work late, or oh boy life is so stressful because they have a 200$ cell phone bill. You better know better than to come to me with your problems. I also know that everyones problems are equal, I guess its just that when im having a bad day and missing my daughter I get kinda frustrated. I just dont care as much over the little things in life like I once used to.
Yah im 25 so I get it...Im healthy. Im really not as healthy as most 25 years old's are. I have high cholesterol. Im not talking about cholesterol in the 200's. Im talking 400's. Its hereditary, and I have been to numerous doctors. I could eat lettuce all day and still have high cholesterol. Its hereditary. Nothing but medication brings mine down and it has been that way since I was a mere 1 month old and since I was medicated at 18 years old. I have a blood clotting disorder, yes its common among most americans, but mine did not help when I developed Preeclampsia and HELLP. Then there is Preeclampsia and HELLP multi system organ failure, and now I am still spilling protein which could mean kidney damage...so dont...dont say oh your healthy you will be fine. I WAS A RUNNER! WITH BODY FAT OF 22 AND A PERFECT BMI and I lost my baby, I developed a disease that only 5% of pregnant women develop...I was that 5% so please dont even go there with the health shit. I know whats healthy whats not, and I now know more about my body and what could and couldnt happen than I ever thought was possible.
Another thing...when I get pregnant again I am going to be realistic, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I am NOT being negative, however I am being realistic. You have to be! I need to say you know what I may get preeclampsia and if I do I am prepared and ready. I will make sure I am as prepared as I can be. I also need to know that with my clotting disorder, and all the other crap now going on, I may not bring a baby home. I need to know that. I hope to God every day that I will, and trust me I am DETERMINED to bring home a healthy child, but I need to know I am STILL in that 5%. Everyone always says "oh you'll be fine" That drives me nuts because no one knows for sure. Everyone thought that the first time...ugh.
I can honestly say that my life will forever not be complete. What people do not understand is that even if I have 2 more healthy babies, there will always be a void in my life.
- *Laura Angel
- Illinois, United States
- I'm a mother to a beautiful angel in heaven, as well as our Earth baby Carter. My life has been filled with nothing but happiness and laughter, however I also know ultimate sadness. I continue to try to live my life to the fullest, and enjoy making people laugh along the way. You never know when your life will change forever. Mine changed November 16, 2009, when we learned our daughters heart was no longer beating. Cara was born November 17th 2009. She was 2 lbs 11oz 16 in. Preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome took her from us. I now strive to help promote Preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome awareness. I also strive to help others who have lost a child. Its something no one can prepare you for, Its something that will forever be with you. We are happy to announce that our son Carter Allen was born March 5 2011 at 36 weeks 4 days weighing 7lbs 7oz. Carter brings such happiness and hope to our lives.
- TTC- Try to conceive
- L&D- Labor & Delivery
- BP- Blood Pressure
- Rainbow- a baby after a loss
- MFM- Maternal Fetal Medicine
- PE- Preeclampsia
- BLM- Baby Loss Mommy
9 comments:
Unless you have been through it you can't understand. I am so sorry you are so angry, but know it's ok to be. you do what you need to.
I understand the health issues. I was diagnosed with Hashimotos disease. I was diagnosed at 22. I will be 30 this year and each year my chances of infertility increase. People don't understand. They keep telling me oh you have at least 10 years before you have to worry. Yeah right.
I'm sending great big hugs your way! (((HUGS)))
I am sorry you are angry, but glad you are willing to open up and share your true feelings. I hope it has helped to get your emotions out instead of keeping it in!! Best of wishes & I'm sending HUGS your way!!
Big hugs and so very true! I'm sorry you're feeling so angry. It's not fair and I wish things were different for you. (((HUGS)))
I loathe those comments too. Especially the ones that say "the odds are in your favour this time around, Odds are you'll have a take-home baby"... my opinion is: the "odds" don't matter when it has happened to you...
I have just stumbled upon your blog, and I am crying my eyes out as I get caught up. So sad...
NO one gets it unless they have been there. Fortunately for most they won't ever have to "get it" like we do. Unfortunately for us we have to live with their ignorance.
It's not fair and you have every right to be angry. And like you have mentioned it is a stage and it is normal...yet it never feels very good to be so angry, does it? So very unfair for us.
Thank you for sharing your feelings. I would never wish for anyone to feel the anger we do. It is comforting to know that we are not alone in this journey even though most times it feels that way.
Hugs and love from across the miles,
Jaime
xo
Wishing it was different for all of us. Hoping for a bright spot for you this week. ((Hugs))
Every now and then I will come back to the angry stage of my grief. People use the line "you're young you can have plenty of babies" Ok well people I also suffer from infertility so no, I can't have tons and tons of babies just like that.
*hugs* thinking of you
Oh I HATE it when people say "your still young" oh gosh I wish I could just throw a shoe at them! People don't think, they think because their lives were so brief you can just "get over it." You and I know all too well that will NEVER happen.
You have every right to feel angry. Continue to be open with your feelings hopefully that will help in one way. Thinking of you and Cara ((HUGS)).
Get as mad as you need to, Laura. Keeping it pent up is only self-destructive. People who have not experienced a loss of this kind just have no idea, and it is so frustrating and maddening sometimes. I know that the 'you're young' and 'you will have more babies' and 'everything happens for a reason' are all (well, most) meant to be comforting, but people just don't get it. It's worse that they don't get how it feeds into the anger and other emotions that roll round and round. Wishing better, more peaceful days ahead. Hugs...
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