November 16, 2009

Nov 16th 2010- Im sitting here, calm. These two days are not just about losing my child, its about what horrific events I had to go through on top of it. As if losing your child was not enough.

This time last year I was on my way to the hospital.

My husband driving me because my head hurts so bad I was positive it was not a headache, although I did not know what to call it.

Im vomiting

This time last year,  were driving there and I remember thinking "you cant drive any faster?"  I can't explain it but I knew something was wrong with me and I knew we had to get there soon.

Were pulling into the hospital, and my vision in my left eye starts to go, I see sparkly dots, big ones.

From here I dont remember getting into the car, dont remember walking into the hospital, if we took an elevator or stairs...nothing

I remember signing in at the desk and throwing my wallet at the girl because she was asking for things and my mind was not cooperating.

I dont remember getting into a room, I just remember throwing up when I was there.

I remember this lady trying over and over again for a heartbeat...silence...but I was too sick to even know what that meant.

Ultrasound came in...My husband crying...at some point I called my mom...could not tell you when, but I did and her and my Dad were there.

Your baby has passed...blah fucking blah...I asked when I could go home. That is when I knew something was wrong. Quickly learning I was not going anywhere. I was apparently wheeled into another room...dont remember that.

In fact...I dont remember much else...bits and pieces,

I dont know whats worse November 16th or November 17th. Thats it...thats how one year ago today happened.