There once was a time where I was carefree. Never a care about my health, and when people talked about how they had anxiety I would often wonder why they worry and that maybe they were just nuts.
Now look at me and my pill case and my little blue zoloft pill. Sigh...
I was always a very high energy person, very type a personality. Very outgoing, but never anxiety.
I dont even know if anxiety is the word? Or is it PTSD? I feel anxious. This obviously started when I had Cara. It was horrible, I have blogged about it before and do not want to get into it, but it was not good. It subsided I would say about 5 months after my loss. I did not really have it when I was pregnant, and I think I handled Carters pregnancy fantastic given my history and all the unknowns of the BLM world.
After Carter came it started again. I know some of it is normal, and it is typically bad at night, which it always was, but I did not expect it to happen again. What if's still go through my mind. I feel like all I do is sit in the home in my pajamas. I feel sleep deprived. DO NOT take this the wrong way I am happy I am sleep deprived, happy my son is here safe in my arms even if he can be a crabby butt at times, but I am not liking this anxious feeling. Maybe it is because I am sleep deprived? I dont know? I am already on zoloft, which I want to be taken off of because of Carters withdraws after birth.
I am a very routine person, and I think going back to work will help this anxiety. I hope. I go back April 16th on saturdays then March 5 three days a week. It gives me something to do.
I find myself thinking if I could go through with another pregnancy again. I know Carter is only 3 weeks old, but I constantly wonder if I will be able tp provide him with a sibling. My husband was one of 7, I have 5 Aunts and Uncles on just one side, so I can't imagine my son being a single sibling. So that is constantly on my mind now.
The fear us BLM's live with that most other mom's that have not experienced loss never feel, is horrible. We think of every possible thing that can go wrong. You think it will be over once you bring home your rainbow...its not, sorry to disappoint you. I even thought that once I have Carter I will be healed, no more fear, all happiness and rainbows...and that is not the case. I am realizing that I will never be healed.
- *Laura Angel
- Illinois, United States
- I'm a mother to a beautiful angel in heaven, as well as our Earth baby Carter. My life has been filled with nothing but happiness and laughter, however I also know ultimate sadness. I continue to try to live my life to the fullest, and enjoy making people laugh along the way. You never know when your life will change forever. Mine changed November 16, 2009, when we learned our daughters heart was no longer beating. Cara was born November 17th 2009. She was 2 lbs 11oz 16 in. Preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome took her from us. I now strive to help promote Preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome awareness. I also strive to help others who have lost a child. Its something no one can prepare you for, Its something that will forever be with you. We are happy to announce that our son Carter Allen was born March 5 2011 at 36 weeks 4 days weighing 7lbs 7oz. Carter brings such happiness and hope to our lives.
- TTC- Try to conceive
- L&D- Labor & Delivery
- BP- Blood Pressure
- Rainbow- a baby after a loss
- MFM- Maternal Fetal Medicine
- PE- Preeclampsia
- BLM- Baby Loss Mommy
8 comments:
Laura I so hear you on this one. I think once you first get hit with a loss, its with you for forever. The anxiety is always there. I hope that you can find relief soon.
~Felicia
I second what Felicia said. Once you experience a loss, the fear and anxiety are always with you. After the birth of my son (after my first loss) I was riddled with anxiety. I was so afraid that something was going to take him away from me. I wish I had told someone how scared I was. It got better after a few months. The good news is that after the birth of my second child (after my second loss) I was not nearly as anxious. I was much more at ease and just in general more relaxed. Although, I did finally spend the money on a Angel Care monitor after my second child was born--best 100$ I have ever spent! It really helped me sleep at night. Thinking of you! <3
Laura,
I so understand you. I did have a LOT of aniexty after Sadie was born as well. Yet it did tend to go away. I always did have aniexty as it is, I still do but its somewhat better. I think when I am more out in the "real world" thats when it will start up again. I get anxious with those type of things.
And yes, I remember the pajamies day and hard to take a showers days and this and that. I LIVED in my pajmies and matrnitey clothes. I didnt go anywehre for quite some time. But once I was able to get into some kinf of routine and get showers, boy did I feel better. And I also think once in a month or two or so once Carter man gets to have more of a spread of hours where he is sleeping at night, you will feel a bit better on that end!
But yes, I def get what you are saying. Our losses and "the what can go wrong" stays with us forever. I just blogged about some of that actually. love you Laura, I am here ANYTIME you wanna vent or talk, even if its an 1 or 3 or wahtever time in the morning! ANYTIME! xoxox
I never had a loss, but I did have a lot of the anxiety you speak of. I think a lot of it came with the infertility issues we had struggled with before - the stress, the unkown, the hoping and praying, plus all the hormones I had been on for years - all lead to me having post partum depression. I know you are big in sharing with your doctors, which is great - it took me awhile to get there. I encourage you to share this with your doctor. Once I got on a super low dose of prozac, and stopped breast feeding the twins, it made a HUGE difference. I am not saying it will work for you, but talk to the doctor about your anxiety. I was so grateful when I finally did, and was finally able to relax and enjoy my kids - but not until a few months later.
I remember feeling this way the first few days after we had Joshua. It does get easier *hugs*
We have already thought about having another baby and we have already thought of how that pregnancy would go and what adjustments we would need to make for it to go smoothly. NO non-BLM women has to think like this. It is really difficult.
I am just so excited to see all of these rainbows. I know our angels are never forgotten...how could they be? They watch over our rainbows.
I am a worried freak now I know I haven’t been through as much as you have been through. The best advice I can say is take one day at a time. My son was 37weeks early has a heart murmur we found at four weeks, has a speech delay and he may need OT therapy, but he is healthy active crazy little 2.5yr old boy. As worried as I was about speech therapy I drove right into it and now six months later we can’t get him to stop talking. I just have to put all my worry to side, I just have to otherwise I would go crazy. I worry all the time about another baby we have no room and I am soo concerned when we finally can move that he won’t want to be with his baby brother or sister, but I just say to myself oh well life is life and remember one day at a time. Hang in there it does get better. Just keep looking at that beautiful baby boy you and your husband created.
Hey
I was thinking with my 2nd pregnancy after hellp, when i have this baby it is going to be sweet and it will be great and I can get on with my life blah blah blah. Then i got whacked with a massive dose of anxiety and my ptsd came back again. I think that i was SO highly strung from the anxiety of the pregnancy and when it did not turn out the way that I thought that it would then it really got to me (Molly screamed for 2 weeks solidly when she came home as she had hernia pain, and lucas had reflux pain and screamed A LOT)
All I can go on is from my experience in that it does get easier. you have just been through SUCH a huge ordeal with Carter going to the nicu- something that you probably did not expect would happen.
I had A LOT of counseling I found really helped- does not mean that i don't have my bad days- but then everyone does. And not getting a lot of sleep really does put you through the wringer- lucas is still only getting 2 hours at a time.
Thinking of you... take care of you!!!
x
I am sorry that you are experiencing anxiety. I am not a doctor nor have I suffered the kind of loss you have, but maybe it has to do with your hormones still getting regulated? Obviously I know the majority has to do with the loss of your beautiful Cara. The sleep deprivation is a big part of it as well. I know after what we went through before having Nahlos, I was very paranoid once we brought him home. I would check on him constantly when he would be napping & sleeping at night time. It is a roller coaster ride for sure. Being at home w/ no schedule or routine can be challenging. I too think that once you go back to work it will help tremendously!! It is a major adjustment being home w/ a little one. By all means I know how grateful you & I are to have our babies but it is still an adjustment for sure. One day at a time, and don't be afraid to ask for help. Getting out of the house (like I know you have done) can be a big help too. We are both home so we can definitely hang out.
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