I am scared of seeing Carter. Im scared that I will realize how precious life and babies are and then I will be filled with grief that Cara can't be here. Im just scared for the overwhelming emotions of happiness for Carter and ultimate sadness for our Cara.
I miss her more, and lately I find myself not believing that I was THAT sick, that I actually am one of those people whose baby died. Its sad to realize that oh yah...this is my life. All the time people ask are you nervous? HELL NO. #1. the baby has to come out regardless of the situation. So why worry? Worrying is not effective! #2. I gave birth to a dead baby, I was vomiting, very sick and practically passing out...what could possibly be much worse than that? NO! I am not nervous. I am nervous only for the feelings that will surround me when Carter is born.
I am not scared of death as I used to be. I have now realized that everyone dies, just a matter of when and how that is the horrible part. Im tired of being and things being taken from me.
8 comments:
I catch myself wondering if I will have those same feelings in a few months. I try to remember what a few people have told me who are much further on this journey that what I am...even though I will always miss Bailey, and you will always miss Cara, without losing them, there may never have been their siblings.
I think you will be overwhelmed with love and Carter will always hold that very special place in your heart (as all of our babies do)...but, momma, I know we'll both be fine.
Sending you love and I can't wait for Carter's safe arrival!!
I read this quote and thought of you, I think it really fits you and your life :
"Experience is not what happens to you; it is what you do with what happens to you."
Even though I hate & feel sadness that you had to go through losing your beautiful daughter Cara, and almost lost your own life, I think you have handled everything to the best of your ability. Getting awareness out about PE & HELLP and sharing your story has helped a lot of people and will continue to help out many more. Even with your pregnancy with Carter you have been a great source of encouragement to the many other woman that have gone through similar situations! I do not pretend to understand what you are going through right now, but I do want to say I am here if ever you need anything!! Baby Carter is almost here!
I know how you're feeling. I don't know if it is because it is her first "angel-versary" and birthday this week...or what but I am on edge. I hate that I am obsessing over every little movement.. but it is what it is. I keep putting off getting the nursery ready..I'm not sure why..it wouldn't hurt any less if I did...
I already know that I will be a basket case when she is born...But I think that part of Cara's legacy for you two as parents, will be to appreciate the gift that Carter is, and how precious life is. You'll tell him all about her, and you certainly won't complain about the little things that most "normal" parents complain about... things like a crying baby.. a clingy baby... because you get to hold him, and you'll never take that for granted. I can't wait to hear of Carter's arrival! :)
I worry this same way...I just want Ian's birth to be about his life not about the death of his brother. I am not sure it will happen that way or not.
Hugs Laura! I think Danae said it perfectly!
I also felt all of those feeling too. And I know you will be overwlemed, yet full of happiness, and sadness, tons of emotionals all mixed into one when he is here.
Cara is watching over you all, mommy , daddy and baby brother Carter. Its not easy Laura, I cried and cried after Sadie was born, because they looked so much alike. And because they are both different birth experiences, this time I saw my baby, and heard a baby cry. Last time I didn't, and Naomi was whisked away.
I was on the OR table and I was SCARED, I was freaking out thinking I cannot have another baby, I cant have it happen this way. i almosst told them to stop but its was all going through my head and I thought I have to have her, theres no other way out.
I just had so many thoughts swarming through my head. You are going to do so well Laura, and yes those thoughts will be there. big hugs to you! I cant believe he is going to be here in a little less than 5 weeks!
I hope that things with Carter will be so blissful and even...busy....that you won't have time to have all the emotions that you are afraid of experiencing. However, I know that this may not be true, and I want you to know that I will be thinking of you lots in the next few weeks as you get closer to the day that Carter is in your arms and then home with you. ((hugs))
I am sure all the feelings you're having are difficult. One of the thoughts that's been hardest for me to cope with is the fact that I never held Lily when she had life with her. I don't know what it's like to hold my child alive, eyes open, looking around.
I have never lost a child, so I don't know exactly what to say...but, I can't help but think, if it wasn't for Cara, there would be no Carter...it's almost as if she gave her life for him to live his. I don't know if that makes any sense, pretty amazing big sister if you ask me....good luck, I pray for you daily and hope that you can enjoy Carter's birth, I know it will be bittersweet thinking of Cara, but you deserve to relish this birth...if it goes well you will not be sick and you will feel amazing seeing your little Carter enter this world. Feeling happy about his birth doesn't take anything away from Cara's, she will be watching and hoping her mommy smiles when you see her little brother. xoxo
Shana
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