SO as everyone knows yes I am pregnant. I am so reluctant yet eager and excited all at the same time to start buying things and planning things. This pregnancy is different. I am the highest of high risk. I am literally risking my well being to have a child. Do NOT get me wrong. Im happy to do it. I want a living child so bad. I know what could happen to me, but I am willing to take that risk to bring home a healthy child! I want more than anything to have a normal pregnancy...however I know that nothing about my pregnancy is normal.
So soon into my pregnancy... im only 8 weeks....I started the all day nausea. Its becoming real. Im really doing this again. However it blows my mind there are people out there that have such strong opinions on how this pregnancy will go, how I should act, how I should not be overcome with fear. SERIOUSLY PEOPLE! Just BECAUSE I lost my child before and I was VERY ill one time...DOES NOT mean I have some magical golden ticket that everything is going to be roses and ponies...I am not guaranteed a healthy pregnancy...no one is. My whole world fell apart. So really what I need to be is REALISTIC. Just because my doctors are watching me and I know what to look for does not mean Preeclampsia will not happen. Yes I 100% hope it does not. BUT I know it can...so in that case I have to do everything in my power this time to try to prevent it from happening. I simply can't sit here and say I will not get Preeclampsia. I will not have a child in the NICU. Because let me tell you my odds of both those things are pretty high. So I NEED to be prepared, and do everything in my power to have knowledge of both Preeclampsia and the NICU rollercoaster that so many mom's have taken. If I dont get preeclampsia. That will be FANTASTIC. I can't even imagine how happy I will be...however I will still spend 9 months worrying that I am going to loose another child and possibly my own life due to preeclampsia. I just can't help but worry that, since it was real before.
For those who do not understand how it works. (honestly as much as people think they are "educated" about pregnancy...pregnancy and high risk with the loss of a child pregnancy in my eyes are two TOTALLY different things, so unless you have lost a child and gone through a super high risk pregnancy...your not as educated as you think...but thats why I blog right?) Preeclampsia can occur anywhere from 20 weeks on. High Blood pressure is a huge indicator. For that reason this pregnancy I need to lay low. Make sure I am not over doing it in any way, that way we can hopefully keep my blood pressure and stress levels down.
I did not just have Preeclampsia as a fluke. I have numerous factors that predispose me to the disease. One being my blood disease Factor V Leiden. My blood over clots. Scary. Yes I know that "most people are fine" with it. I was not fine with it...clearly...I also know how serious it can be in pregnancy. I also have high cholesterol and a family history of Preeclampsia. Not to mention I myself had a fetal demise due to Preeclampsia. So if you went through all that would you say "This pregnancy is going to be absolutely fantastic..." I think not.
FYI...Just because I am pregnant again does not cure my hurt for losing Cara. If anything this pregnancy is going to be super hard because I know loss is reality.
Another FYI...just because you, your wife, your daughter, your friend...whoever has been pregnant and have been fine... If you have a living child...you will not understand my feelings throughout this pregnancy. Also does not mean that my pregnancy will go anything like yours or theirs. This pregnancy I wanted more than anything not to have all day nausea. Well that just was not in the cards, so its harder in that aspect already being so sick and worrying all at the same time. I know people can get annoyed if I am sick...so I try to just be happy and smile and not be sick as much as I can.
So please bear with me when I freak out over a one point in my blood pressure, or when I just need to lay in bed all day, or when I am not feeling right. I know me better than anyone else out there.
I guess what I ask of people during this difficult time. Please dont tell me not to worry. Please dont tell me I will be fine. Please if you have a opinion on how I should be feeling, just do not say anything at all.
Im not a negative person. That I promise. I am just a realist. I can't help it.
10 comments:
I think you are more than entitled to feel the way you are feeling. No one can or should tell you how to feel from day to day or moment to moment for that matter!! I have to admit that with my first pregnancy I was so naive. I didn't know or even think that anything could go wrong. I have learned a lot over the years, and now know more than ever that nothing is guaranteed and nothing is promised to us. I think it is amazing that you go above and beyond to spread awareness!! I just think it is so important for people to be aware of the things that could or may go wrong. That is not to say that something definitely will go wrong, but I am one of those people that would rather be aware beforehand (if possible) so I can better handle whatever comes my way. Being a realist is a good thing in my opinion! The one thing I do know for certain about you is how positive of a person you are, and I think you are doing the best you know how at this time! XxOo
I wrote something very similar on my blog about my subsequent pregnancy. You are so right to be REALISTIC. Why can't people handle that?! I feel exactly the same way, just because I lost one baby doesn't mean I get to keep the next. There are no universal laws that state so. Good for you for coming right out and asking for what you need. Hopefully you will get the support you need from ppl in real life.
I think you are very brave to embark on this journey again, especially knowing the risks. I totally understand how you feel about people saying "you'll be fine." or my favourite "chances are it won't happen again." Well chances are it wasn't going to happen the first time right? I think people are trying to be helpful but they don't get it. I hope by reading your post they can understand that even if they mean well it doesn't come off that way. I'm wishing you the best of luck with this pregnancy and can't wait to see the ultrasound pics!! I love the one you have up already, your little peanut!
It's amazing, unless someone has been there (severe preeclampsia) they really cannot understand where you are coming from. I hope that this pregnancy goes well for you and that preeclampsia does not return.
I can understand your angst and concern. You are doing the right thing.
So glad you posted this. I really hope it sheds some light for those who have NOT been in our shoes.
*hugs*
I am not pregnant with my rainbow yet, but I am already tired of hearing "don't worry," "things will be fine," "you got pregnant once..." I can appreciate that you are a realist...it isn't easy, but that is the way it is. The fears are very real, and I am glad you have a place here to express them. I am sending you hugs.
It is definitely frustrating when people try to talk me out of my emotions so I felt I could relate to this post. I do not think you are being negative at all. Unfortunately our blinders are off having experienced the loss of a child, and can people really blame us.
Only you can know what is right and best for you.
BTW I love the Footprints image that was made for Cara
Thank you for being so honest. I wish more people would understand that "Oh, but they will watch you closer this time," does NOT mean that you will not get PE or HELLP. And it does NOT mean that you and the baby will automatically be just fine. It is SO FRUSTRATING and I was blessed with a living child. I know that Cara must be giving you an amazing amount of strength.
I'm sorry people are not very understanding. I pray that the people who don't "get it" never have to understand but at the same time they can drive you a bit crazy. I think you said it very well.
Losing a child at birth totally changes one's perspective. I did not have pre-eclampsia, so I can't relate to that part of your journey. I suffered from PPROM- preterm, premature rupture of membranes. I risked my life to keep carrying my child. My water broke at 18 weeks and I gave birth to my beloved son, Brendan, at 23w3d. I held him in my arms as he passed away.
I have not tried for a rainbow baby, but my other PROM sisters have- and it's an emotional rollercoaster. If I ever do decide to try again... yes. Yes I will be cautious, paranoid, frantic, worrisome, hysterical. Yes, things can happen, and DO happen. It's because I have walked in these shoes.
What we PROM sisters tell each other- Congratulations. May you have a very long and boring 9 months. Those who don't "get it"~ I hope they never have to understand.
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