Thoughts of Cara have been filling my brain lately. It is almost constant. Of course not happy thoughts, and not sad ones either, just thoughts of her. I am so happy Carter is here in my arms. I guess I just still have no closure on what happened to Cara...what happened to me. Soon. Soon.
I find myself feeling a bit anxious from time to time. No idea what about. I am back in a routine, Work, Gym, Carter...thats my life. My poor husband fits in there somewhere, but right now we are focusing on loving our son, so many people say we need time together. I get that, trust me I do. What people do not realize is that we spent the past year and a half together, and alot of that time was spent sharing tears together, planning a memorial, walking for March of Dimes and Preeclampsia and raising money. We spent lots of quality time together that many couples never spend. Were good. So again no idea where the anxiety really comes into play, im thinking maybe just lack of sleep?
Another thing that I noticed is that I get so verrrrry easily annoyed...especially when people point out that I am always on facebook, or online or post too many pictures. Just a kind reminder I lost a child, so Carter is like gold, diamonds, the lottery, world peace rolled all in one, that and I have BLMs all over the world that love to see his pictures and family all over the US that love to watch him grow! If its an issue, I apologize but my son is w along awaited prized possession....sigh...the joys of being female right? All these emotions. That and there does just not seem to be enough time in the day!
Carter is now two months, we see more smiles, more good moods and more sleep! Hallelujah.
- *Laura Angel
- Illinois, United States
- I'm a mother to a beautiful angel in heaven, as well as our Earth baby Carter. My life has been filled with nothing but happiness and laughter, however I also know ultimate sadness. I continue to try to live my life to the fullest, and enjoy making people laugh along the way. You never know when your life will change forever. Mine changed November 16, 2009, when we learned our daughters heart was no longer beating. Cara was born November 17th 2009. She was 2 lbs 11oz 16 in. Preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome took her from us. I now strive to help promote Preeclampsia and HELLP Syndrome awareness. I also strive to help others who have lost a child. Its something no one can prepare you for, Its something that will forever be with you. We are happy to announce that our son Carter Allen was born March 5 2011 at 36 weeks 4 days weighing 7lbs 7oz. Carter brings such happiness and hope to our lives.
- TTC- Try to conceive
- L&D- Labor & Delivery
- BP- Blood Pressure
- Rainbow- a baby after a loss
- MFM- Maternal Fetal Medicine
- PE- Preeclampsia
- BLM- Baby Loss Mommy
9 comments:
oh carter is such a treasure. I love that you share him with us. It gives me hope.
~Felicia
my MIL says we should not have any visitors after Ian is born...she thinks we will like it better that way. I feel the SAME way you do! HELLO my first child died...I want this little guy celebrated! I want to shout it from the roof tops that he is here! I want the whole world to meet him!!!!!!!
You keep right on celebrating your son, I love to read the updates.
I think it is only normal that you have Cara on your mind, keep on paying tribute to that special little girl.
Both are a treasure to behold, one in heaven and one in your arms.
Believe me they grow up way too fast, before you know it it will be preschool, then off to school and you will be running here and there for this and that, soak it all up now and ENJOY it!
Oh Laura, hugs. I am glad tho that sweet Cara is on your mind. She is your daughter and forever will be. I think about Naomi all the time too, especially because I see Sadie and I keep thinking "what would Naomi be like today?" kind of stuff.
Btw, I tell my friends about you, I told my friend Krystal (the one that walked with me today for the Promise Walk) and showed her your picture of your pink highlight for the walk! I just admire you, I really do!
Being a full time mama, work, gym, Carter, and a wife, isnt easy I am sure. You do what you gotta do, and with hubby too! Carter is for sure GOLD, I love how you explained it, thats how I feel about Sadie. We both and went through so much, and we deserve to gush and gush over our babies.
Now, who in the he double hockey sticks is telling you you are on facebook too much and or posting pictures of Carter too much!!?!?! I would tell them to shut it. You know, Ive had neighbors, and one other friend, cant remember exactly who, but they say "oh trust me, we see her on facebook". yet they do love her. But what the heck is that supposed to mean!?!?!? I take it as, I post too many pictures of her. Well, if it bothers them, delete me why dont you. I am sorry but SHE IS MY LIFE. And facebook, is well obv, about ourlives. I am not posting my pictures of me, its all her. I want to show her off to the world, and well family and friends obv, Now if anyone thinks you post too much or what not, to heck with them! Carter man is your life . :)
Cant wait to see pictures from your walk!! xoxo
I love seeing pictures of BOTH of your precious children. So please post as many as you like. We all think of your precious Cara too. She is beautiful and has touched all of our hearts. We, of course, adore Carter too. He has already changed so much. So please keep the pictures coming.
I totally understand what you are saying, one year nearly since we lost our baby girl at 21wks, and I have two boys with us prior to her, however comments like "but you have the two boys to focus on" do not help. The baby that is gone is part of our lives and will be forever. Blogging and being able to connect to people is like a lifeline to feeling slightly 'normal'. thank you so much for your blog and for helping me feel connected.
You are entitled to it all.. enjoy it, share it, and revel in it... you deserve it, and not to would be disrespectful to Cara...she would want you to do what you need to, and to love Carter and share him. You are amazing. Never forget that!
I am glad that the thoughts you are having of your precious Cara aren't sad. I think it is important and healthy to think of her.
My thoughts are that you are probably experiencing anxiety because of everything you have been through the last 2 years. Hopefully with you having a routine going now things will ease up for you! I know that working out is a huge stress reliever and will help you get back to your old body & self so that should help....it helps me anyway.
Of course couples need time alone, but that is a personal decision as to when & how you can find that time. If right now you are both content on being parents and giving all the attention & love to Cater...then so be it! Do what works for you & your family.
You know what people always have something to complain about and if "they" are bothered by how many times you post of FB then that is what the delete button is for right?! Jeeze. Keep on posting because I like the updates & pics!!!
Oh Laura... yes, lack of sleep can cause a lot of anxiety, and make huge emotions feel even bigger, in my experience. It sounds to me like you're doing wonderfully given all you've been through, and Carter being only 2 months old. (Hearing about his smiles, those sweet first smiles, is making me smile.)
I have also been thinking about your beautiful Cara. I believe closure when anything traumatic has happened takes a lot to time, happens slowly, with each thought a little more, and though others may try to rush you, hopefully you can take the time you need. Know that Cara is being thought of by others too, from afar. Hugs.
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