I hesitate to write in my blog much when I have dark thoughts because then people think "Have you been ok lately?" "Are you sure you are ok?" My response...of course! I am as ok as I will ever be. I have a living son who I love MORE than life, a wonderful husband and loving family. But there is always a but...I have a daughter who is not here.
It will never go away that I did not hold her as much as I should have. I did not love on her near what I should have. I was so angry, hurt and scared for my own life. (as selfish as that may sound) I wish I could explain my mental state while in the hospital. One day all is fine. The next there is a dead baby in your room, in a bassinet all dressed up with clothes that are not hers, people taking pictures of her and trying to make her look peaceful. All of that I am of course grateful now but then it maddened me. I could not understand why anyone would want to remember all of this. I do remember all the tests from people asking what was going on...I do remember sending out this picture...
Honestly how else would I put into words what happened? I think the text said our angel Cara Meindel. Honestly I dont remember, I was so sick.
Speaking of words...I honestly do not think people know how much words can effect a person. I will never forget hearing things like "It has been three months...you should try to move on" or "When I lost my grandparents..." how about the famous "She likes the drama her daughters death brings..." OR "Your facebook posts are making everyone sad." Really? Because writing was my ONLY form of outlet. No one around me knew exactly what I was going through except my husband and he was just as sad!
Three years have passed and I will never forget any of that. I think about it often. Does it bother me? Yes of course. Why judge in a situation like this? No one has any idea! About judging. I am guilty as hell of that. Isnt everyone? But to judge grief? How someone grieves? Do it silently.
Sometimes I do not know where my thoughts come from. They are so scattered when it comes to Cara. Still so much anger and sadness. Still they what if's. It will haunt me forever.
4 comments:
Your post is so powerful and strikes such a honest cord that I relate to so much of what you are saying....a death of a child no matter what age is haunting no matter the circumstances and the constant emotional rollercoaster is something only those that have experienced this can relate to. Thank you for your post and big hugs
I am sorry you are experiencing all of these rough feelings. Ugh, it is just SO darn difficult. And you're right, it doesn't just get better. Things change, but each day is still very rough. As far as the things people say, I just try to remember that this experience is one like no other and NO ONE can understand unless they have been through it. I suppose I give people the benefit of the doubt even though it's not always easy. If they are going to be hurtful then they aren't a true friend and if it is family and is still bothering you, maybe a good talking to would help ease your thoughts. I know that isn't easy either though. I still have a lot of regrets and guilty feelings. Every situation does, no matter what you did at the moment. You always feel like you should have done more because you're a mommy and we always try to do the very best for our kids. But in that moment you're so shocked and traumatized, it is heartbreaking and earth shattering and we do what we can to get through. Cara KNOWS you love you. She knew it the whole time she was in your belly. I always try to remind myself that I did the best I could at the time with the knowledge I had then and you did too, my friend. I hope you can continue to work through these feelings. Wishing you much peace.
I totally agree with the no judging of each other's grief. Every person and every situation is different. I hope that you feel the freedom to grieve as you need to. I enjoy reading your blog and your little man is sooooo cute! You are one blessed mama...praying for peace for you and yours...
Elle's Mommy
Such a beautiful picture!! Im so sorry! Those out of the blue momenta hurt so much! Always holding you and cara in my heart!!
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