The new improved

I can say that because I feel like I am new and improved. {minus pregnancy ailments of course} When I lost Cara my world was crashing all around me. I needed Zoloft, Xanex and Ambien, just to function and blend in with society.

The first 6 months my life was consumed with grief of course but then came the testing on me. "Why did I lose her?" "Why was I so sick"? "Why did my body fail me?" Which in return meant tests. LOTS of tests. Cardiologists, internists, countless blood work and visiting many different doctors to decide when and even IF I would be able to have another child without losing my own life. I was given the OK to TTC after coming off Ambien and off Xanex and of course after finding out I tested positive for one gene mutation of Factor V Leiden. Common? yes. Led to the death of my child? Questionable? Led me to be at a higher risk of developing Preeclampsia and Hellp. For sure.

Then came the positive. What a joyus time! I was pregnant again. Joy and fear filled my mind every day. Nerotic. Scared. Happy. Hopeful. Were the next 9 months {8 as Carter was delivered early in true impatience fashion just like his momma!} Then came the breathing issues and Carter's one week NICU stay. I am lucky that I was able to bring him home after a week. I can't imagine what it would be like to have your child stay there...without you...for months....nevertheless it was still so scary. I was not leaving a hospital empty handed again!

Then came JOY! {and lack of countless hours of sleep} Elation! I have a living healthy baby in my arms! My life slowly begun to change. This boy was all we centered our world on. I gained new mommy friends and lost a few. It was hard enough dealing with losing a child and now being bombarded with all this joy of being a parent to a living child! He was my number 1 priority, and with lack of sleep, and going back to work after 6 weeks I did not have much time for fun and games with a new born. I focused on him and of course getting as much sleep as I could!

Now its a new story. I am totally off ALL MEDICATIONS. That was a ROUGH patch and my withdraws were nothing short of horrible! So worth it. All summer was filled with lots of fun for Carter and Mommy! Lots of play dates and lunches and fun activities! Lots of sleep! {oh, how I love schedules} My anxiety is actually better now than before I ever even lost my daughter. I know in my heart...everything works out in the end...and if it doesn't? Then it truly is not the end. I know that there will ALWAYS be bumps in my road, but I never in the past 28 years did not get over them. I know that there is always something to be anxious over or worry about but I also know now that the mind creates unrealistic versions of "what may happen" in my head. I am so happy I am where I am today. I really wish my daughter was here. Although the people that have touched my life and the peoples lives that I have touched along my journey make it easier knowing she is not here and will never be.

Of course I will more than likely be sleep deprived crabby and a hermit once again when my son/or daughter is born. However now I know that will pass and the infant stage is hard but oh so short! I know I have family and friends that will support any and all hermit like behaviors that I may have again after giving birth.

I am happy. Life is too short not to be. Surround yourself with happy people. People who get you. People who listen. People who love you for you.