3 posts in one day...wow! So im posting just because I want to tell myself im proud of me. Im proud of how far I have came. From Nov17-Dec 19 those days were filled with nothing...or filled with "do I have a blood clot?...What if I have a stroke?...My heart rate is so high...what if I have a heart attack?" Like I have said before the first month was not filled with me grieving for Cara. They were filled with fear of my own life. After being sent home sick and readmitted even sicker...its scary shit! Sitting in an ER for 3 hours while doctors failed to get my BP to go down...followed by myself being re-admitted and walking into my room filles with seizure pads "just incase" and a doctor and 2 nurses...ahhh! Most my days I sat on the couch taking my blood pressure every hour. Mind RACING, tears flowing. I could not even look at the Preeclampsia Forums or I would get major anxiety. Anxiety in such a way that I would pace back and forth. Even thinking about it drives me mad!
BUT I am proud of myself. I now probably spend wayyyy to much time online WAY to much. That is what helps me. Plus I am trying to help others. I volunteer for the PE forums, will be reading a poem I wrote at the promise walk for Preeclampsia. I have met seriously over 50 women who have all lost children or had a preeclamptic pregnancy. I reach out to whom ever I can. Because I care and because I am trying to help. I am trying to share my story and Cara's story with the world and I am damn proud of it.
Dont get me wrong I can never be healed from any of this and I will forever carry a pain with me and emotionally never be the same but I am making something out of this! In my daughters memory. Im proud of me!
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Shelly's Story
Shelly's Story
This story needs to be shared...this is the same disease that took my daughter from me and alsmot took my life. Hopefully Shelly's story can help people see the serious-ness of this disease.
**Thinking of Shelly and her family
This story needs to be shared...this is the same disease that took my daughter from me and alsmot took my life. Hopefully Shelly's story can help people see the serious-ness of this disease.
**Thinking of Shelly and her family
Anger
My knowledge of grief is that it comes in stages. One of the last stages is anger. Well im so angry. Im angry that my daughter is not here...(if thats not obvious...)
She will never wear ballet slippers, or a prom dress. She will never laugh or smile. She will forever be 6 feet under. It pains me to know that she is not here for other reasons that are part of my anger issues.
This is another issue that angers me. I swear to God if I EVER hear someone tell me "your young and healthy" I will SNAP on them. Yah I get it...im young...however I have experienced more in my life that anyone can possibly imagine (unless of course you have buried your own Daughter or Son) Its nothing anyone can ever explain...there are just are not words. So dont tell me im young...age is nothing but a number, really its not. Just because your older means NOTHING to me and I dont give a shit how old you are, it means nothing to me anymore. You do not know more than I do because your age.
Im trying not to judge people really im not. Its just so hard when people think their lives are over because they broke a nail or boo hoo they have to work late, or oh boy life is so stressful because they have a 200$ cell phone bill. You better know better than to come to me with your problems. I also know that everyones problems are equal, I guess its just that when im having a bad day and missing my daughter I get kinda frustrated. I just dont care as much over the little things in life like I once used to.
Yah im 25 so I get it...Im healthy. Im really not as healthy as most 25 years old's are. I have high cholesterol. Im not talking about cholesterol in the 200's. Im talking 400's. Its hereditary, and I have been to numerous doctors. I could eat lettuce all day and still have high cholesterol. Its hereditary. Nothing but medication brings mine down and it has been that way since I was a mere 1 month old and since I was medicated at 18 years old. I have a blood clotting disorder, yes its common among most americans, but mine did not help when I developed Preeclampsia and HELLP. Then there is Preeclampsia and HELLP multi system organ failure, and now I am still spilling protein which could mean kidney damage...so dont...dont say oh your healthy you will be fine. I WAS A RUNNER! WITH BODY FAT OF 22 AND A PERFECT BMI and I lost my baby, I developed a disease that only 5% of pregnant women develop...I was that 5% so please dont even go there with the health shit. I know whats healthy whats not, and I now know more about my body and what could and couldnt happen than I ever thought was possible.
Another thing...when I get pregnant again I am going to be realistic, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I am NOT being negative, however I am being realistic. You have to be! I need to say you know what I may get preeclampsia and if I do I am prepared and ready. I will make sure I am as prepared as I can be. I also need to know that with my clotting disorder, and all the other crap now going on, I may not bring a baby home. I need to know that. I hope to God every day that I will, and trust me I am DETERMINED to bring home a healthy child, but I need to know I am STILL in that 5%. Everyone always says "oh you'll be fine" That drives me nuts because no one knows for sure. Everyone thought that the first time...ugh.
I can honestly say that my life will forever not be complete. What people do not understand is that even if I have 2 more healthy babies, there will always be a void in my life.
She will never wear ballet slippers, or a prom dress. She will never laugh or smile. She will forever be 6 feet under. It pains me to know that she is not here for other reasons that are part of my anger issues.
This is another issue that angers me. I swear to God if I EVER hear someone tell me "your young and healthy" I will SNAP on them. Yah I get it...im young...however I have experienced more in my life that anyone can possibly imagine (unless of course you have buried your own Daughter or Son) Its nothing anyone can ever explain...there are just are not words. So dont tell me im young...age is nothing but a number, really its not. Just because your older means NOTHING to me and I dont give a shit how old you are, it means nothing to me anymore. You do not know more than I do because your age.
Im trying not to judge people really im not. Its just so hard when people think their lives are over because they broke a nail or boo hoo they have to work late, or oh boy life is so stressful because they have a 200$ cell phone bill. You better know better than to come to me with your problems. I also know that everyones problems are equal, I guess its just that when im having a bad day and missing my daughter I get kinda frustrated. I just dont care as much over the little things in life like I once used to.
Yah im 25 so I get it...Im healthy. Im really not as healthy as most 25 years old's are. I have high cholesterol. Im not talking about cholesterol in the 200's. Im talking 400's. Its hereditary, and I have been to numerous doctors. I could eat lettuce all day and still have high cholesterol. Its hereditary. Nothing but medication brings mine down and it has been that way since I was a mere 1 month old and since I was medicated at 18 years old. I have a blood clotting disorder, yes its common among most americans, but mine did not help when I developed Preeclampsia and HELLP. Then there is Preeclampsia and HELLP multi system organ failure, and now I am still spilling protein which could mean kidney damage...so dont...dont say oh your healthy you will be fine. I WAS A RUNNER! WITH BODY FAT OF 22 AND A PERFECT BMI and I lost my baby, I developed a disease that only 5% of pregnant women develop...I was that 5% so please dont even go there with the health shit. I know whats healthy whats not, and I now know more about my body and what could and couldnt happen than I ever thought was possible.
Another thing...when I get pregnant again I am going to be realistic, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I am NOT being negative, however I am being realistic. You have to be! I need to say you know what I may get preeclampsia and if I do I am prepared and ready. I will make sure I am as prepared as I can be. I also need to know that with my clotting disorder, and all the other crap now going on, I may not bring a baby home. I need to know that. I hope to God every day that I will, and trust me I am DETERMINED to bring home a healthy child, but I need to know I am STILL in that 5%. Everyone always says "oh you'll be fine" That drives me nuts because no one knows for sure. Everyone thought that the first time...ugh.
I can honestly say that my life will forever not be complete. What people do not understand is that even if I have 2 more healthy babies, there will always be a void in my life.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Welcome earthside Wyatt!
Welcome Wyatt! This little peanut is my Best Freinds baby boy. Wyatt was born 4/7/10. I went to see him today and of course I cried when I held him for the first time. I was overcome with happiness and sadness all at the same time. I was due in January and Steph was due 2.5 months later, so it was pretty hard watching her go through all the joy when I was left with all the pain. We were supposed to be pregnant together, have babies together, to grow up together, but now my life has obviously taken a different turn.
I share something that she will never share with me. The pain of loss. So its tough, but hes super cute and just makes me determined to bring home a baby in my future. Its kind of surreal that this is all happening so fast. Everyones lives are filled with such happiness, and mine is filled with a hole.
I watched her whole birth, on video. I wanted to. It was great and seriously effortless. I envy that now. I had a great birth (given how sick I was) It was not painful, I would do it all over again. Just my outcome is not so great...obviously.
Seeing all these cute newborns that seem to surround me everywhere I go gives me with hope...hope that I too will be blessed one day!
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