Scared

As I sit here and watch my tummy grow, I get filled with excitement that I may have a take home baby. I also get filled with fear. There are three girls I have grown close with in the Preeclampsia community.

One lost her first daughter at 27 weeks due to Preeclampsia, has Factor V the same thing I do. Got pregnant again and had her son Kooper at 28 weeks who I am happy to say is doing well! Still in the NICU but doing well! Bless his little heart. I follow his story very closely because every milestone he makes, would have been the ones Cara would have made.

The other woman lost her son at 26 weeks to Preeclampsia, he lived three days. No known underlying disorders. She is currently pregnant again and is almost 25 weeks and is showing some Preeclampsia signs. (High BP and headaches) I pray for her that she makes it to a healthy gestational age for her sweet baby boy.

The last is someone who I grew very close with. We talk daily (Throught Text of course) She lost her sweet daughter due to Preeclampsia at 28 weeks. She has been in and out of the hospital since 25 weeks and is now there to stay at 34 weeks. I am hoping for a very healthy baby for her as well.

All this makes me so nervous. Two out of the three women have NO underlying conditions. I do. Its just a crap shoot. No one will know when and if Preeclampsia will strike and the little things like a high blood pressure reading, or a headache will send me into panic mode. This is all becoming so real to me.

I feel like my doctors and I are doing everything we can. Appointments every three weeks, soon to be two. Ultrasounds, growth scans, NST, BPP, I check my BP daily. I take it easy. Try not to be stressed. I was advised to cut down on hours at work. I feel like I am doing everything I can.

Now its just the waiting game. 

12 weeks!

I am officially 12 weeks pregnant today! So exciting! Now I just sit and wait till my all day nausea and tiredness go away. Im thinking another two weeks I should be in the clear.

I have to admit I am a miserable first trimester pregnant person. Thank you to everyone who has listened to "My stomach hurts" Im a pain in the butt. Sometimes all I need is a ear to listen.

I have been noticing my blood pressure a bit higher in the am. Pre pregnancy its around 105/72...its been running 112/79 first thing in the am. Makes me a little nervous, but its always normal the rest of the day. I will patiently be awaiting my second trimester dip in pressures.

I swear I feel little movements inside. I felt Cara move around 15 weeks. So im hoping I will feel this baby move around 13!

I have only thrown up twice during this pregnancy which was yesterday and friday. I think I waited too long to eat. So now I try to eat first thing in the am...it sucks when food makes you wanna gag to begin with.

For some reason I think its a boy. I have to say that I honestly do not care what I have. It will be bittersweet either way.

Oh Charlie

Last night before going to bed I had ass these amazing thoughts I wanted to blog about...Of course this morning they are all scattered here and there.

So lately I seem to be having a hard time with Charlie's death. I think I know why. I know I know he is just a dog. I so wish I could explain to you all how he was not just a dog to me. He was my shadow, my friend, my unconditional love every day.

When Cara passed and a week later Charlie needed a very $$$ surgery, I had to take care of him day in and day out like an infant. Feed him, give him medicine, help him go to the bathroom. Part of me knows it was a blessing that he was so sick because it took my mind off the death of my daughter. I had to focus on him.

I dont talk about the week after I came home from being admitted the second time too much. Mainly because it was terrifying. I couldnt eat, couldnt watch tv. I would sit and stare at the wall, take my blood pressure, check my pulse and count down the hours I could go back to sleep. I was terrified to be alone, even when Kyle left to go to the store, I was afraid I would have a stroke and be left alone. Nursing Charlie back to health really made me happy. It took him three months to learn to walk again, but I feel like I had control. I could control helping him by taking him to rehibilitaion and being by his side all the time. Poor guy was cage ridden for three months. (But most the time he was in my arms )

I could really control weather he lived or died. I thought I did just that. Until he needed a second surgery. He was just in so much pain, I knew I had to make that decision. Here is why it was so hard. I had no chance to save Cara, she was already gone. I had no chance to help her, comfort her, make her feel better, I could do that for Charlie! When I saw him in severe pain 4 months later and when I heard the news his disease progressed. I felt like a failure once again. I had to play God and determine weather he lived or died. I think part of me wanted the easy way out. I knew putting him down he would feel better and I could just move on. Or so I thought. I regret every day not having his second surgery. I truly do. At least I would have been able to help him one more time, and control his outcome.

Thats another reason why Gia means so much to me. She watched over him every step of the way. She would let him have her whole bed to himself when he was able to walk again. She loved him every step of the way.
I lost two members of my family within 6 months. When I lost Charlie, flash backs of holding my lifeless daughter's body came as I held his.

Sometimes it frustrates me on how upset I get over him. He was just a dog...thats what I try to tell myself. It just does not work.

Random finding

Found this and just could not believe it. The first picture is my foot pregnant with Cara...the second is about a week after I delivered her...seriously...wow...dont know how that was not a red flag

And here is me 12 weeks pregnant with Cara and below is 28 weeks...wow

I hate preeclampsia