Oh Charlie

Last night before going to bed I had ass these amazing thoughts I wanted to blog about...Of course this morning they are all scattered here and there.

So lately I seem to be having a hard time with Charlie's death. I think I know why. I know I know he is just a dog. I so wish I could explain to you all how he was not just a dog to me. He was my shadow, my friend, my unconditional love every day.

When Cara passed and a week later Charlie needed a very $$$ surgery, I had to take care of him day in and day out like an infant. Feed him, give him medicine, help him go to the bathroom. Part of me knows it was a blessing that he was so sick because it took my mind off the death of my daughter. I had to focus on him.

I dont talk about the week after I came home from being admitted the second time too much. Mainly because it was terrifying. I couldnt eat, couldnt watch tv. I would sit and stare at the wall, take my blood pressure, check my pulse and count down the hours I could go back to sleep. I was terrified to be alone, even when Kyle left to go to the store, I was afraid I would have a stroke and be left alone. Nursing Charlie back to health really made me happy. It took him three months to learn to walk again, but I feel like I had control. I could control helping him by taking him to rehibilitaion and being by his side all the time. Poor guy was cage ridden for three months. (But most the time he was in my arms )

I could really control weather he lived or died. I thought I did just that. Until he needed a second surgery. He was just in so much pain, I knew I had to make that decision. Here is why it was so hard. I had no chance to save Cara, she was already gone. I had no chance to help her, comfort her, make her feel better, I could do that for Charlie! When I saw him in severe pain 4 months later and when I heard the news his disease progressed. I felt like a failure once again. I had to play God and determine weather he lived or died. I think part of me wanted the easy way out. I knew putting him down he would feel better and I could just move on. Or so I thought. I regret every day not having his second surgery. I truly do. At least I would have been able to help him one more time, and control his outcome.

Thats another reason why Gia means so much to me. She watched over him every step of the way. She would let him have her whole bed to himself when he was able to walk again. She loved him every step of the way.
I lost two members of my family within 6 months. When I lost Charlie, flash backs of holding my lifeless daughter's body came as I held his.

Sometimes it frustrates me on how upset I get over him. He was just a dog...thats what I try to tell myself. It just does not work.