Dear Cara,
Our whole house was set up for you. 8 days before I had you we had the baby shower. In those 8 days after the shower Daddy spent lots of time setting up your swing and bassinet while Mommy washed all of your blankets and clothes, put your bottles away and assembled your diaper bag. I was probably nesting since my body knew your birth day would be soon.
The day before Mommy came home from the hospital I wanted all of your stuff gone. If I could not bring you home with me I could not bear to go home to my house that was so ready for you. Im a planner. Even though I was only 30 weeks pregnant, I had many many things ready. Your Pappy, Uncle and Great Uncle, spent a long time removing everything from our home. Baby books, an anything and everything that had to do with you. I cam home to a house that had no sign of you.
This weekend I went through all your stuff. As soon as your Pappy opened the closet I started to cry. Pink EVERYWHERE. The smell of Dreft. All the clothes I bought for you, all your blankets that were handmade from so many people who would have loved you so much. Even your little pink blanket that Mommy bought for you that said Little Angel on it.
The last day I ever saw you alive I had a 4D ultrasound. November 1. It was at a boutique. I splurged and bought you a 60$ blanket. That blanket put more tears to my eyes.
I just dont know HOW I am going to give all your things to another baby? ESPECIALLY if it is a girl. "Here Cara was never allowed to come home, never allowed to touch foot on the ground, so since she can;t I am just going to give her stuff to you." It seems wrong.
I know in my heart that you SHOULD be here, wearing those clothes, cuddling in that blanket. Everyone knows it. But your not. Just so hard.
Im glad Mommy took the time to go through your things. It just made it seem so real. I was so close to bringing you home. I was just a few days too late for you. I am so sorry.
I love you always
*Mommy
Sunday, September 26, 2010
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3 comments:
I am all chocked up and teary eyed after reading this. I am so sorry you were not able to bring her home to all the beautiful things you & everyone else had gotten for her to wear & snuggle in!! I am glad you were surrounded by loved ones when you did go through her things. Sending you many hugs & kisses!!!
Awe Laura, makes me so sad and heart broken to read this. I too, had everything gone, gifts and outfits I had bought for Naomi. I had given them to a giving mother in the NICU for her little girl that just had nothing. and to a young couple who had a little girl as well, it was difficult but I just could not keep it around. But I do have one preemie outfit i was given for her and that is in her "memory box" from hospital along with her yellow hat and other things. And I am sure if I took them out now, I would be a HUGE mess. Its not easy, but I am with you every step of the way, I promise! Hugs!!!
OH Sweetie...but you did bring her home! She is with you everyday. In all those little memories, the tears, the smiles, the special little things and pictures. In your heart and soul forever. I believe that our rainbow's big sisters have selected the souls and have sent them to us as siblings. Cara taught you and your family so much!
For me, if we have a girl, I will probably pull out a few outfits or things that were especially for Kherrington and add them to her memory box. As for everything else, some of it isn't attached to Kheri, and the other things...well little sister can borrow big sister's things! We are already working hard to make sure our rainbow isn't just using big sister's stuff. Like buying the baby its own stuffed animal (a Yoshi bought by Dad)... and rattle booties..and knitted hats... Little sibling can play with big sister's Yoshi, but will know who it belongs to.
I'm so happpy to read that you have so much love and support as you sort through Cara's things. *Hugs*
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