It just never ends

My grandfather is doing worse. I have not seen him since he was in rehab. Mainly because no one wanted me around him because he was so sick. Watching my mom, aunts and uncles helplessly try to find answers for him is so frustrating. He is rapidly losing weight, he won't eat (and for a man that is from Italy who loves pasta and food more than life is concerning.) I try not to think about it. I had two people in my family pass away within 6 months. I went from having all my family members and extended family to two less in six months. I can't do this again. Especially at a time like this. Im selfish, I want Carter to know this man who I ALWAYS looked up to and loved every second of my life.

Everyone always said how great it was I never experienced a family members death at my age. I disagree. Its harder, because you just think they will be around forever.

I feel helpless, I can't see him, can't help him. I am just sitting here waiting for some miracle. The strongest man I have known, is so frail. Why? We don't even know why. No one has answers.

Life is never easy, death is inevitable, but no one said it's easy. I hate it and I hate the fact that I have stared it in the face, my daughter and grandmother met the face of it. I don't want to loose anyone else.

And then im selfish again, thinking in a few short weeks I will be welcoming my son. I dont want to be saying goodbye too. I want everyone to be happy. I dont want to battle happiness and sorrow. I want my Mom to be happy, and not filled with sorrow and battle happiness at the same time. This is such an incredibly hard time on my family. Mainly because my Pappy who is 83 and Grammy who is 78 live in a two story 5 bedroom home. They have no help. Pappy was Grammy's caregiver (due to a 13 year battle with Hodgkins Lymphoma) Now she is his, and she is in no shape to take care of someone as sick as him.

I'm that person that wants to find immediate answers and fix things in any way I can. This time I can't.

I feel like every since I lost Cara, it has just been a shit show. One things after the next, never leaving me or my family with a dull moment. It never ever ends. It just never does...

This is where I am praying for some guardian angel to come in and take over...Cara sweetie...that is you!

Arthur's surgery & More life events

Poor Arthur! Arthur had surgery on Valentines day, due to a luxating patella. Its where his knee dislocates, and is common in chihuahuas.

It did bring some anxiety for me because last time I did surgery on my chi, I had to put him to sleep. However Arthur is doing fantastic and if I let him he would run everywhere!

Update on my Pappy: He is home, but not well. Its a constant battle. No one seems to know what is wrong. He is on 20! YES 20! Medications. He has no desire to eat, and they are wanting to put him back in the hospital. Its so sad as I watch this. I want to be of more help, I want to be there to take care of him and I just want him to be ok. My family is struggling with his care, he needs so much help. I thought the road to recovery was near, I was wrong. I know it is a part of getting old, but I hate to see people helpless, with no answers. Thats the worst, and not to mention 20 medications? That alone would make me feel crazy. I am no doctor but that does seem absurd. I want him to be better for when Carter comes so he can share in the happiness of being a first time Great Grandfather. I know thats selfish, but can life ever just be normal?

On to whats going on with me. I am 34 weeks! Having some contractions, but nothing serious. Baby moves like a crazy man. I have noticed some swelling in my hands especially my right one when I wake up. BUT no swelling in face or feet, blood pressure is BEYOND fantastic, so it does not give me a reason to worry too much. I know some people freak out when they hear me say swelling, but I have not one other symptom, plus a reminder that swelling can also be NORMAL in pregnancy. So staying calm is the best for me at this moment. I am super tired and wondering why I decided to work until March 5? Ill get through it and my boss is great knowing that I may not always be there.

I meet with a pediatrician Monday.
The nursery furnatuire should be here Tuesday! (YESSSSSS)
Next week I am seen twice a week, and the week after that three times! WOO HOO!

March 10th here I come. Please Carter get those lungs mature!!

A Graphic for Cara

Maternity Photos