Weight lifted

Ever feel so good about something? You know that feeling of the weight lifted off your shoulders? Sigh...I love that feeling. I have not had that feeling in such a long time. Relief and satisfaction. Ending of a chapter in my life that was full with selfishness and negativity. It is so crazy to look back and analyze certain situations, friendships or people how selfish they were/are; how much they truly differed from yourself.

I am so grateful to know that I always try to be the bigger person in any given situation. I am grateful for the friends that have helped me become a "bigger person." I am also grateful that I can turn any unfortunate situation into a positive one and find the positive in it. I am grateful for this blog. Its my outlet, how I deal. I am grateful that I know that having a child means doing everything you can for them. So many people do not know that. I know that my job is to make life fun for them. The Park, The Zoo, Lego Land, all the fun things for my child not just myself. I am grateful for my husband and the amazing relationship we have. We have trust, honesty, and most importantly loyalty. I have realized I do not need unfaithful, ungrateful selfish people in my life. I am grateful I do not dwell on things, I can pick up and move on with my life. Leave behind the dirt and dust.

I am looking forward to my future and what is has to offer me.

3 months old!

My baby is 3 months old! WHERE HAS TIME GONE?! Carter is smiling up a storm! Recognizing people left and right and of course being the sweetest boy the world has to offer! Every day that passes I relish in the fact that he is here, he is mine and he will be an amazing son, brother, friend and husband one day! I only hope to continue to provide him with nothing but love and encouragement! I also will continue to try to be the best example of a good person so he learns good habits early!

Carter is starting to become stronger! Keep in mind his adjusted age is 8 weeks! He is rolling over from front to back, and holding his head up all by himself! Look at him in his Bumbo!

Carter's Great Grand Pappy is home from the hospital! He had a defibrillator and pacemaker installed! 

What might have been

Lately I have known a few women who have gave birth at 25 weeks due to preeclampsia. Their babies are doing so well. It makes me so happy! I am thrilled for this. However it saddens me to the extreme, because I KNOW Cara would be here thriving. She would be 17 months, walking, talking...Its hard because at first I was not educated, I figured she was born too early and I tried to comfort myself in saying that she more than likely would not have made it anyway. WRONG. She was 2lbs 11oz. She was 16 inches! She WOULD have made it! There was nothing wrong with her. There was something wrong with me. Only if I was taken seriously...sigh.

On to the not educated part. Babies born 23 weeks and above have a good fighting chance. I have seen babies live at 23 weeks (after of course a long NICU ride) just as well as I have seen babies die at 40 weeks. So many people just do not think that babies born early will have a chance. YES THEY WILL. There is also a huge chance that there may be nothing wrong after they endure their NICU ride.

On the other hand there are people who are not educated in Viability. What is viability? It is the age at which your child has a chance to survive outside of the uterus. Which is usually defined at 24 weeks. SOME I repeat some hospitals do try at 23, but not many. There are quite possibly babies born earlier and I believe I read about a 21 weeker in the UK. Babies that are under 24 weeks do not have the developed lungs that they need to breathe. 

Length of Pregnancy	Likelihood of Survival
23 weeks	17%
24 weeks	39%
25 weeks	50%
26 weeks	80%
27 weeks	90%
28-31 weeks	90-95%
32-33 weeks	95%
34+ weeks	Almost as likely as a full-term baby
Sources: March of Dimes, Quint Boenker Preemie Survival Foundation

I guess I can't expect people to know these things as I am sure newly pregnant women with no history just sit around and wonder if their child would survive if born early. We have to remember this is the stuff no one talks about, so again I can't expect for people to know. Just like you can't expect the average person to know that a women goes through labor to deliver a deceased child. 

Yes babies can be born early and survive. Yes Cara would have survived. I am here to educate! Ill do it for everyone! Gladly. 

"Iv'e got friends in low places"

...Thats for sure... That could just be the end of my post right there, but I suppose I will elaborate...

Ever since I lost Cara I have noticed my "friend" chain change a bit. I have had some tell me that "I need to get over it." Some compared her death to the death of their grandparents. I was even told that all the new found friends I had made through support groups did nothing but bring me down.

On the left is Ashley. friends for 17 years and Kalyn on the right friends for 22 years.  

Now on the other hand I do have friends who constantly remember her and ask about her. That of course makes me feel fantastic. Nonetheless friendships are still different. I am a friend with baggage now. I have a dead daughter and a lot of my life is consumed by happiness as well as crushing sadness. For some it is hard to understand, and I apologize if you simply can't.

Now friends tend to change regardless if you have had a loss or gone through a life altering event, that I understand. HOWEVER friends...real true friends will always be there and love you for you...no matter what you become. 

 

Friends are slim pickings these days and I am totally fine with that. I am fabulous with or without a ton of friends.

I will leave you with a picture of my BFF since I was 10...she was my Maid of Honor and our parents are BFF's as well they just went to Hawaii together (jealous) We have been through middle school and highschool and college, and still friends. We always pick up where we left off. When I lost Cara she was willing to fly down here to just be with me. Thats amazing! Those are things I never forget.