Dear Zoloft

How did I funtion without you? As you all know I am open honest and have nothing to hide. Zoloft is my drug of choice.

I was put on it after losing Cara. Actually after I loss her I was on Zoloft, Xanex and Ambien all just to help me live. Honestly. To help. ME. live. I thought I was going to die, could not drive near hospitals, saw my doctor every other day for blood pressure check up's for three weeks and even was scared to be alone. It was hard enough to cope. About 4 months later I felt good enough to come off my occasional Xanex (which in the first month after losing Cara I was taking three times a day...ya...) Then of course I got pregnant, and just stayed on the Zoloft.

Reciently It was a thought of trying to come off it, as I felt I do not need this anyone....Ya.....house hunting proves that thought WRONG. The past two weeks I have seen over 30 homes and only found one we like with outrageous taxes and at the top of our price range...sigh. The short sale that we put an offer on we were outbid...sigh...I am not happy with any home I see because I want perfection. Zoloft you are needed. That is for sure. Makes me wonder if I will ever be able to come off? Its strange that soemthing such as house hunting can trigger the same exact anxiety that losing my daughter did?

Again on a happy note I leave you with Cman!

Homes, Houses, Properties OH MY!

So far we have looked at over 30 homes! We were very overwhlemed at first, but now we know exactlly what we want. We have been able to raise our budget which is great in this market. It makes a huge difference on what we can look at!

We actually found a home that we wanted to put an offer on, it had a sunroom with heated slate flooring and backed up to a creek, however it was just too far of a drive to work as my husband and I live about a half an hour from work as it is.

We are looking forward to making our future home and neighborhood the best possible for our little man!

We did put an offer in on a short sale in a neighborhood we would otherwise not be able to afford. We are excited but know that it is a long shot as short sales take lots of time!

4 Months!

Carter is what? 4 months? AHHH! My peanut is not really a peanut anyone! SIGH...
14lbs 15oz and 25in long. 

He is still rolling over from back to front. He attempts to pull himself up (kind of like a sit up) Im always scared he is going to strain his little neck. He hates being held like a baby anymore, he likes to sit up and see everything. He LOVES bath and Pool time!

I always get complimented on his dark skin and green eyes! My husband and I both have brown but my Dad Brother and Grandmother have green. They could possibly change to brown but they are still very light. I also get complimented on what a good baby he is. He sleeps through the night, goes down around 9 and sleeps till 630. Sometimes 8!

ANNNND

Since Carter man is eating every two hours...guess who started rice cereal?

Its never going to be ok

Its just not. I am not sad or anything while I write this post, but I have realized that as I get further and further away from the worst days of my life, they are still there. There is no erasing, no rewind or fast forward, no matter what I do they haunt me. I find myself getting a tad bit excited at the fact of having a brother or sister for Carter, then quickly remember how death stared me in the face.

My situation was different, I did not just lose my daughter, I almost lost my life. NOT that it makes it any harder or easier because I am a firm believer that loss is loss, but it is one thing to be terrified of losing a child and then to have to also be terrified for your own life.

I look back and cant fathom how sick I was. It just was not me. That part of my life is such a blur. For 6 months after Cara's death and my hospital stay I was not me. There was no one home, no one upstairs. I was such a different person. My mind was empty.

I look back and remember sitting on the couch feeling as if my life was on hold. It was like I did not know who I was. What day it was, time, month, where I was suppoed to be the next day. I didnt shower, did not brush my teeth, never did my hair. I must have looked like a different person. That was not me.

Now I have a grave site to visit. She is actually in there...all 16 inches of her. Thats crazy. Its not my baby is it? Because that would not be right. For a mother to lose a child? Not these days.

Its hard for me to even remember being like that. My life is filled with utter happiness right now 110%. Its perfect in every way, except for the fact she is not here. Except for the fact I was very ill. I know, I know trust me I know, its a part of my past...Does anyone know where I can get that wand that erases memory like in Men and Black? That would be useful.

I am going ot leave you with never before seen pictures of my Cara...It took me almost 2 years to post these because she looks too "dead" in them, either way she is still beautiful.