I caved...im going to see a cardiologist. I guess I just have been putting it off because Im so scared of doctors and what they will find! Im scared they are gonna find out something else. I guess I have no reason to be scared, I have had 3 EKG's all come back normal. My cholesterol is under control on meds. I just HATE doctors offices now. They make me crazy nervous, and I have mad flashbacks, so its hard for me to even go now!
But lets try to look at it this way. I was very ill with a disease that effects liver, kidney, heart, everything basically, who why not cover everything before I TTC again? Plus I do have high cholesterol, so I guess that would not hurt to see a cardiologist, because I know I will need one later in life. Also IF I get Preeclampsia again, I will already have a cardiologist that I can go to.
Another reason that made up my decision is that I have been doing lots of research about Cardio Output and what it has to do with Preeclampsia so I am going to print out some studies and show the doc. (I know this probably does not mean much to you NON PE people, but to make a reallly long story short, Preeclampsia is linked with heart disease somewhere down the line...somewhere...somehow...so off to see Mr. Heart Dr. I go! Hopefully I can get in to see him soon. I am awaiting a call back...P.S. Did I ever mention I hate when people ask my medical history...hmmm where do we start
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
A shared thought
I got a email today asking me how I do it. This person who emailed me is having depression issues and here is what I wrote back. Maybe I see the world differently, like through a new set of eyes...(wait who am I kidding I do see it differently) Now I only share this because sometimes I seem to surprise myself when I write stuff and think "hmm this could help other women as well" So thought I would share.
*******, you cant feel angry at yourself. Everyone's problems are equal. I have learned that through my grief that no ones problems are less important. (Except the people who thrive from problems and make problems so others feel sorry for them...those people are a whole other story!) Depression is horrible. Its a feeling no one can understand. I dont suffer from depression, however I do suffer from PTSD and anxiety now. How do I deal? Day to day basis. I assess how Im feeling every day I wake up. Within the first few hours I know if its going to be a good day or bad day. I also have to say blogging has been so amazing to help lift my spirits. You should start a blog. About being a wife and a mother and about depression and what makes you feel depressed. You would be amazed at how many people feel the exact same way! Some of the women I have met through blogging are helping change my life. Its amazing! You just have to know that you are doing the best that you can and you are a wonderful women and when your down just think "It could be worse" Thats what I tell myself. Even from what I have been through...It could be worse. You can also look at the positives in your life. As for putting a smile on my face. You have to because you are the only person who can help you move on. You can't dwell on the past and or feel sorry for yourself. Its just not healthy. You have to focus on your future and what is going to be best for you in the future. Hope this helps you :)
Ok I am also going to add this as Im sitting here thinking...I have had so many people say things like "if I were you I couldnt go on" "I would be in a mental hospital" "How can you move on" Let me just first start off with saying. Shit its not easy...But SOMEONE has to do it. SOMEONE has to move on. SOMEONE has to find happiness again and that SOMEONE is me. Only me. No one else can do it. Dont get me wrong for the first 3 weeks I literally just sat and stared into space every day. I didnt want to do ANYTHING. I did not wear makeup for 6 weeks. I hated showering, doing my hair. I didnt even care to get a pedicure or manicure with my mom. I didnt want to cook (which I LOVE doing) I look back at that and Im so scared to ever go back to that place.
You know what I think every mother that has lost a child would benifit from? Just doing things. Getting out there and doing the things you normally did. Get your life back. Take a hold of it with both hands! If you dont...you will never heal. I know of a women who lost a child that has major problems, never recovered. I just can't let myself be that person. I look back at how I felt the first 2 months and I NEVER want to feel that way again. It STILL feels like a movie or a dream. But I need to move on, and things that are helping me are going to baby showers, holding a newborn, walking through the baby clothes section. I cant avoid them forever and the fact is your never "READY" to do that again. You just have to...or you might never do it.
The smile on my face is not fake 90% of the time. 90% of the time I truly am happy. Im happy I have my family. Im happy I have my husband, 2 doggies (even though I miss Charlie terribly) Im happy I have a job I can't wait to get up to every day! Im happy I have wonderful friends. Im so happy of all the women I have met through my experience and im so happy that my life is now forever changed. Im happy im alive. Im happy that I will be able to create another life. Im happy 90% of the time. 10% of the time im not, and thats OK. 10% of the time im pissed off at my old doctor (I cant even get started on that and trust me if I could I would and when the time is right I will) Im pissed off that I buried my daughter. Im sad that I know what it feels liek to hold a dead infant. Im sad I know what its like to almost loose my own life. 10% of the time Im just plain having a off day and yes I have to fake a smile. Only because I am not going to be "that" person who people tip toe around because Im sad. SO yes I fake it sometimes, but thats only normal. Well whatever normal is anymore...
*******, you cant feel angry at yourself. Everyone's problems are equal. I have learned that through my grief that no ones problems are less important. (Except the people who thrive from problems and make problems so others feel sorry for them...those people are a whole other story!) Depression is horrible. Its a feeling no one can understand. I dont suffer from depression, however I do suffer from PTSD and anxiety now. How do I deal? Day to day basis. I assess how Im feeling every day I wake up. Within the first few hours I know if its going to be a good day or bad day. I also have to say blogging has been so amazing to help lift my spirits. You should start a blog. About being a wife and a mother and about depression and what makes you feel depressed. You would be amazed at how many people feel the exact same way! Some of the women I have met through blogging are helping change my life. Its amazing! You just have to know that you are doing the best that you can and you are a wonderful women and when your down just think "It could be worse" Thats what I tell myself. Even from what I have been through...It could be worse. You can also look at the positives in your life. As for putting a smile on my face. You have to because you are the only person who can help you move on. You can't dwell on the past and or feel sorry for yourself. Its just not healthy. You have to focus on your future and what is going to be best for you in the future. Hope this helps you :)
Ok I am also going to add this as Im sitting here thinking...I have had so many people say things like "if I were you I couldnt go on" "I would be in a mental hospital" "How can you move on" Let me just first start off with saying. Shit its not easy...But SOMEONE has to do it. SOMEONE has to move on. SOMEONE has to find happiness again and that SOMEONE is me. Only me. No one else can do it. Dont get me wrong for the first 3 weeks I literally just sat and stared into space every day. I didnt want to do ANYTHING. I did not wear makeup for 6 weeks. I hated showering, doing my hair. I didnt even care to get a pedicure or manicure with my mom. I didnt want to cook (which I LOVE doing) I look back at that and Im so scared to ever go back to that place.
You know what I think every mother that has lost a child would benifit from? Just doing things. Getting out there and doing the things you normally did. Get your life back. Take a hold of it with both hands! If you dont...you will never heal. I know of a women who lost a child that has major problems, never recovered. I just can't let myself be that person. I look back at how I felt the first 2 months and I NEVER want to feel that way again. It STILL feels like a movie or a dream. But I need to move on, and things that are helping me are going to baby showers, holding a newborn, walking through the baby clothes section. I cant avoid them forever and the fact is your never "READY" to do that again. You just have to...or you might never do it.
The smile on my face is not fake 90% of the time. 90% of the time I truly am happy. Im happy I have my family. Im happy I have my husband, 2 doggies (even though I miss Charlie terribly) Im happy I have a job I can't wait to get up to every day! Im happy I have wonderful friends. Im so happy of all the women I have met through my experience and im so happy that my life is now forever changed. Im happy im alive. Im happy that I will be able to create another life. Im happy 90% of the time. 10% of the time im not, and thats OK. 10% of the time im pissed off at my old doctor (I cant even get started on that and trust me if I could I would and when the time is right I will) Im pissed off that I buried my daughter. Im sad that I know what it feels liek to hold a dead infant. Im sad I know what its like to almost loose my own life. 10% of the time Im just plain having a off day and yes I have to fake a smile. Only because I am not going to be "that" person who people tip toe around because Im sad. SO yes I fake it sometimes, but thats only normal. Well whatever normal is anymore...
Naomi
So I met Jill on the Preeclampsia forums, she is a single mom who lost her sweet Naomi to Preeclampsia. Please read her blog and Jill needs lots of hugs and support from all us Angel Mommys out there!
http://www.areasontolivenaomihope.blogspot.com/
http://www.areasontolivenaomihope.blogspot.com/
Friday, March 26, 2010
The sunset & a ocean view
Thats all I want...really thats all I want! It will bring me some peace and comfort. Kyle and I are broke. Really we are. Between our Medical Bills, (old and new) and Charlies...were broke. I mean we are not in the hole...but we literally dont have much to our name anymore...savings gone...im not ashamed either to say it. I did everything I could for my daughter, and I did everything I could for Charlie (money wise) So its ok if im broke because of it.
BUUUTTT I really think we should go SOMEWHERE. We conceived Cara on our Vacation last April in Vegas ( at least we are 90% positive we did...she would have been our vegas baby...complete with glitter and sparkles) so we are thinking about going back there or to Mexico (which is where Kyle and I had our honeymoon...where did I mention it rained EVERY DAY...ha.)
If we go on a vacation we MAY be pushing it financially...Im afraid I will regret it because we want to TTC in May and I dont want to owe anymore money. AHHH!
So maybe we will just spend a weekend in downtown chicago? Hmm or drive somewhere for the weekend...but really come on...we live in IL there is not an ocean front even in driving distance. Either way we will do something!
BUUUTTT I really think we should go SOMEWHERE. We conceived Cara on our Vacation last April in Vegas ( at least we are 90% positive we did...she would have been our vegas baby...complete with glitter and sparkles) so we are thinking about going back there or to Mexico (which is where Kyle and I had our honeymoon...where did I mention it rained EVERY DAY...ha.)
If we go on a vacation we MAY be pushing it financially...Im afraid I will regret it because we want to TTC in May and I dont want to owe anymore money. AHHH!
So maybe we will just spend a weekend in downtown chicago? Hmm or drive somewhere for the weekend...but really come on...we live in IL there is not an ocean front even in driving distance. Either way we will do something!
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