Completely different...

I am a completely different person. I think I have just now realized this. Every day my world consists of thinking how I can ease Mother's pain's on loss. Every day I think about women I have never met or their babies who's footprints never touched this ground. Everyday I think about the day I buried my daughter. Even though she was never alive. I buried my future. I buried the 8 month old she would have been today, the prom dress she would have worn, the wedding she would have had.

In my old normal life I never once. NEVER O.N.C.E met someone who lost a child (or maybe I did but they did not talk about it) never once thought that childbirth was hard (so many women effortlessly go through it) never once thought about what a stillborn child is. Now I know hundreds. HUNDREDS. of healthy normal women with NOTHING wrong, who's children are no longer with them. I know that childbirth IS A miracle. I know what a stillborn is.

I think you all can agree. We all will never be the same again. Its not a bad thing. Really its not. Wanna know why? I cant change it. I cant change the fact my body faily my daughter and almost myself. I cant change the fact that I lost a child. I simply cant. Now I struggle for ways to remain positive. There is nothing anyone can do.

For those mothers that do not have a 'reason' their child passed in or out of womb I simply can't imagine. My heart breaks at the thought. For those mothers who's children fought hard to live, but did not win. I simply can't imagine and my hear breaks yet even more.

You see I have a reason (well actually many...but we won't go there) Cara is not here. Preeclampsia. Its simple. My body started to shut down and this disease progressed. Im grateful it did not take my life. I have hatred for the disease because it took hers.

Swinging around back to why I wrote this. Its just different. The world is such a different place without you in it.

In her memory

In my loft I have a little memory book shelf for Cara. On it are her wings from Angel Wings Boutique, Cara's picture, a cross with a quote on it from my parents, her picture album from the day she was born and her Teddy Bear from her funeral. I recently had a collage made in Caras name from Franchesca that I will be hanging in my loft.

If anyone has anymore ideas that I can have made or done in her name please share. Even if it is just BLM made!

I want to always keep her name alive!

Faith Hope & Remembrance

My friend Amelia (who lost her sweet Brenna at 38 weeks due to cord accident) have mad a group that meets the second Sunday of ever month for women who are trying to conceive after a loss or are pregnant after a loss. We are in the Chicago area. Please help me re-post this and if you know anyone in the chicago area...please send this link along!

Faith Hope and Remembrance

A dream?

I just was looking through Cara's pictures. It seems like a dream. It seems as though I am looking at someone else's  life? That is not me in those pictures...does not look like me. That is not my baby in those pictures, because she is not alive. How could it be mine? This baby I am looking at is almost 3 pounds...she is 16 inches long...how could she not be alive. She looked like a normal newborn. Pink skin...sometimes I wonder when exactly her heart stopped beating. They say at 24 weeks a baby can feel pain. So at her gestational age was it painful?

I dont even want to know what a survival rate of a baby born at 30 weeks 3 days. I know its very high.