Moving along

So I had my urine tested two weeks ago and I still had 1+ in my urine. It has in one week gone down to trace ammounts. They want you to have less than 30. I have 89. So I will be rested again in May, if its negative I can go ahead and start to try again for baby #2. If it has not gone down I will have to see a nephrologist (kidney specialist) to see why I am still spilling protein and make sure my kidneys are ok.

I am excited the protein is going down...I had 4+ in my urine after delivery so now having trace ammounts means my body is improving!

On another good note my B12 is awesome. So I am not anemic nor do I have prenicious anemia (which my mother has as well) Good news for the week!

When it rain it pours...

Talk about raining on my parade...so as many of you know Charlie had Emergency back surgery Nov 30. We found out that my precious Charlie has IVDD Intervertebral Disc Disease.
Charlie as a baby




[This disease is common in smaller dogs. When the disc degenerates, the central “gel” loses its fluid, and is less resilient to normal wear and tear. Additionally, the fibers in the outer portion of the disc weaken, stiffen, and fray. As a consequence, the normal strains of everyday life might cause the central part to rupture up into, or through the outer layer. This is referred to by many people as a “slipped disc”. Actually, the whole disc does not “slip”; rather, a portion displaces upwards, and puts pressure on the overlying nerve roots and spinal cord. In most dogs with IVD disease there is no single event which causes the disc to displace. Many owners search for some reason, such as jumping, rough play, or external trauma to account for their dog’s symptoms. However, in most cases the disc displaces owing to the combination of normal activity and an already degenerated and weakened structure.]

So this all happened not even two weeks after our loss. Well he has been in some pain lately, so of course I took him in...only to find out that he is now having neck pain. More than likely due to this genetic disease. They wanted to do an MRI on him...however I just dont have 2000 to shell out anymore. Chances are he needs surgery. This breaks my heart. We JUST 3 months ago spent 5000 on his back surgery and now your telling me he needs neck surgery? Money really is not the issue...If we knew 100% that he would recover and heal 100% with no chance of this happeneing again...we would do it...however we dont know that. He could have this happen again to another disk in his neck or back. So yes we could have surgery again...but we could also most likely have it again and again and again...So really where do you draw the line.

Dr. M is great! (She made charles walk after his back surgery) but when she said "he just has surgery in November...hearing the month november made me cry! I cried when she told me he may need surgery again. I told her how I just lost my daugher and I cant lose my Charlie. She told me we are going to try 3 weeks cage rest and 4 different medications. So right now we are just holding on. Im holding on to whatever little hope that I have left. My life is just filling up with "LOSS" blahh! If one more person tells me to be positive I think they may see a fist to their face. Im TRYING to think positive...however its not working!! I was positive that I would have a healthy pregnancy...I didnt. I was positive that Charlie would not need surgery...he did. I was positive that Charlie would heal nicely and do great from surgery...he did. I was positive that he wouldnt need another...he most likely does...so excuse me if I have a bit of the negative thoughts. When it rains it pours. ESPECIALLY when things were starting to turn around. Im starting to feel better, Charlie is doing better with therepy, he can walk again...and now this. Its like taking 2 step s forward and ten steps back! I simply can't imagine my life without Charlie in it...hes 4 for crying out loud. Gia (my other dog) im sure would be heart broken as well...you see they are best friends. I know that I may have to face the decision os putting him down...but here is where I will think as positive as I can (but also try to be realistic) CHEER UP CHARLIE!

ALL ABOUT ME!

Get to know me...
1. What's your favorite time of the day, and why?
The evening when I am cooking dinner and waiting for my hubby to come home!

2. If health wasn't an issue, what food could you live off of?
Pasta with cream sauce layered in cheese!

3. If you could have one wish granted (besides wishing for more wishes), what would it be?
I wish for just a few minutes with my Cara. I just would like to see her open her eyes or smile at me.

4. What's one thing that you get teased about a lot?
That I fall down quite often, especially after a few Vodka Tonics...or that I am too nice...I am learning that I really am too nice...


5. If you could choose one movie, book, or TV show to spend your life in, which would you pick? What type of character would you be?
TWILIGHT!!!

6. If you could have one talent that you don't already have, what would it be?
Photography & writing. I love pics and am just learning to edit and do fun things to them. Another would be my passion to write. I have wrote many many poems and two short stories. I have started writing a story about being a hair stylist that is called Color me pink. Its probably going to take me forever!

If money were no object, where would you go on vacation?
Well I dont like to fly...but Italy...I would love to see where my grandfather grew up.

8. If you were an awesome singer, which genre would you sing?
COUNTRY...Save a horse ride a cowboy

9. If you could have a $10,000 shopping spree to one store, what would it be?
NORDSTROMS or Pottery Barn

10. If you could live in any point in time, when would it be?
I dont think I can answer this one...I want to live in the future when I finally hear a baby cry...I long for my future while many long for the past

11. If every outfit in your wardrobe had to be one color, what would it be?
Black and grey

12. If you were one of the seven dwarves, which one would you be?
(Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Sleepy, Bashful, Happy, or Dopey)
Happy
I love laughing and making others laugh

13. What's the last album you listened to?
All my songs on limewire last night

14. What's something we'd be surprised to know about you?
Honestly I think everyone knows everything there is to know about me now.

What is your current problem?
I should really be at the gym

What makes you happy most?
My family and my Charlie

Any celeb you would marry?
Hugh Jackman

Name someone with the same birthday as you?
My Mom :) 36 hours of labor and Preeclampsia...but a great birthday gift!

Ever sang in front of a large audience?
When I was little I put on concerts of christmas songs for my family with my brother (Sorry Paul)...and yes Im serious

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Nah...im my own celebrity!

Do you speak any languages?
I know some spanish...my grandfather speaks Italian and I wish I could

Has anyone you've been really close with passed away?
My daughter...thats the only family memeber on both sides to pass :(

Do you ever watch MTV?
Jersey Shore and Real world! Hello!!!

What's something that really annoys you?
People who lie...

Chapter 1:
===============
Middle name: Angel

Nickname(s): Messy, L-down

Eye color: Redish Brown


Chapter 2:
===============
Do you get along with your parent(s): 100%

Are your parents married/separated/divorced?: Married

Chapter 3: Favorites
===============
Ice cream: Not a fan...but I suppose Dark chocolate with peanut butter if I had to pick

Season: Well it WAS November and December...now ill just go back to October

Shampoo/conditioner: AVEDA!

Favorite Things? Doing hair, working out, reading, writing in my blog :)

Chapter 4: Do You..
===============
Dance in the shower? No Id slip...I cant really do Fan kicks in my shower

Call people back? im bad at that im not a phone talker...just a texter

Belive in God? Well yes, but Im mad at him right now

Any bad habits? Cracking my knuckles

Any mental health issues: Wow um lets start with Anxiety and Panic disorder...

Chapter 5: Have You..
===============
Sprained stuff: ankle, neck, elbow

Had physical therapy: 6 mom before knee surgery and 6 mo after

Gotten stitches? in my nose twice and my knee

Taken painkillers?: yes...but soon learned I was allergic

Gone scuba diving or snorkeling: love snorkeling

Thrown up at the dentist: noo

Had detention? never


Chaper 6: Who/What was the last
===============
Movie(s): Hot Rod (only the first 20 mins...it was horrible)

Three people to text you: Mom, Dusty, Bro

Person you called: Kyle

Person you hugged: Kyle

Person you tackled? Kyle

Thing you said: Charlie go lay down

Thing you read: Vitamin D deficiency book

Place you went: Work on saturday...yah Its monday...I have been a homebody this weekend

Favorite Color: Black

Something you wear: Glasses

Favorite food: My grandma's spaghetti and sausage and wedding soup (homemade)

Favorite place: Wisconsin...nothing but happy memories all 7 years

A reason for being late: I had to go back home to make sure I shut my curling Iron off...yup again im serious

Something you shout: OMG!

Favorite Movie: Grinch

Something you drink: Water and I love lemonade and Ice Tea

A musical group: Love John Mayer and Johnny Cash

Maybe I should: Be at the gym!

I love: My daughter

People would say that I am: Too nice

I don't understand: Morons

When I wake up in the morning: I attend to my doggies

I lost: My daughter

Life is full of: Suprises

My past taught me: that that only people you need in your life are the ones that need you in theirs....

I wish: For a healthy baby one day

Dogs: are my bff for life

Tomorrow: I hope to be busy at work!!

I have a low tolerance for: Selfishness

If I had a million dollars: Id buy a new house and 2 new cars, donate to March of Dimes, and PREECLAMPSIA foundation, and put the rest away for my baby :)

I'm totally terrified of: The unknown

Words from others

Here are some emails from other women, or kind words that I appreciate every day! I keep these emails and read them when I am sad, so i thought I would share with all! (Names withheld for privacy!)

Hi Laura,

You don't know me, but I found your blog while reading the Preeclampsia Forum last week. I sobbed uncontrollably when I read Cara's story. I can't even begin to comprehend the pain you're suffering. It is beyond words. Please accept my deepest, heartfelt condolences for your loss. No mother should ever go through what you've gone through. I am very impressed by your diligence in researching preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome and finding the appropriate doctors to guide you in your pursuit to TTC again. I also admire your desire to help other women by making them aware of the dangers of preeclampsia. It is a silent killer.

I also suffered from severe preeclampsia and HELLP syndrome with my first (and only) pregnancy. Starting in month four, my feet and ankles became extremely swollen. My doctor dismissed it as a normal pregnancy issue. Shortly after that, my hands became swollen to the point where my right hand was almost completely numb. I was told this was carpal tunnel and again, a normal pregnancy problem. Then I started having rib pains and back pains. When I told my doctor about the rib pains, he dismissed them as "my organs moving to make room for the baby." I assumed the back pain was also a normal pregnancy issue, so I visited my chiropractor - however I was confused when his adjustments didn't help. (Turns out it was kidney pain.) It wasn't until my blood pressure started rising that my doctor became concerned. He took my b.p. on a Friday and it was slightly high. He told me to relax over the weekend and come back on Monday. When I came back on Monday, my b.p. had increased again. That's when he took blood, and told me to return the next day for an ultrasound. In the ultrasound, he found that my baby was extremely small for his gestational age. He also received my bloodwork results from the lab and found that my liver enzymes were elevated. He sent me directly to the hospital. I was 29-1/2 weeks.

They ran bloodwork again at the hospital and found my platelet level was extremely low. They woke me up at 4AM and told me I had HELLP syndrome and had to deliver my baby as soon as possible. They sent a team of nurses into my room and started wrapping up my bedrails with blankets. It was the most terrifying night of my life! They started me on magnesium. I remember asking one of the nurses to stay with me because I was so frightened. (I had sent my husband home for the night.) I was shaking uncontrollably. She told me I was very sick and needed to calm down. I was praying that my husband would make it to the hospital before I died. I had never come so close to death in my life. I was not ready to go!

I gave birth to our baby boy via emergency C-section at 9:49AM that morning, June 10th, 2009. He spent nearly 7 weeks in the NICU. Today he's nearly 9 months old and a healthy, active baby boy.

I want to let you know that your story has had a tremendous affect on my life. I told my husband about you and your loss and we held our baby **** and cried together. I don't know why you lost Cara and we didn't lose Evan. It is so unfair. Life doesn't make sense. But I want to let you know that I will always keep Cara's story in my heart. I will never take our baby boy for granted. I will be the best mother I can be, in honor of your loss.

I want to let you know that I'm not a crazy person! :) I never follow blogs and send strangers emails, but I felt driven to do so in this case. Please continue to speak out about preeclampsia. I will too! It is important!

I pray that God will bless you with another child and provide you with a healthy nine-month pregnancy! You sound like an amazing mother! I will continue to follow your blog.

Best wishes for your future!
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Hi Laura.

My heart breaks for you and your loss. I had no clue what PE was till I had it with my first (36 weeks), and I was afraid I might get it again and I did. There are times I think about having another baby, but I cannot go through that again. We were so incredibly blessed. ***** (my first - she will be four in April) came home with me two days later. She was small, but tough. ***** My second - will be one on the 9th of March) was in the special care at ****** for 11 long days. She was a tough girl though - only needed to grow and stay warm - never needed oxygen or anything like that....

I want so badly to help raise the awareness of this terrible disease. People don't understand. Some of my family members cannot understand why we won't have any more kids - they just don't get it - even after everything I went through.... For ****** first birthday party I asked our guests so please make donations to the Preeclampsia Foundation and many of them were like, "really?!?!". I want to help spread the news about it.
I would love to get together with you - but I understand if you would rather not. I can't imagine what you had to go through - and I know it must be hard to see someone with two healthy girls. My eyes are welling up with tears. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I just want to go hug my girls right now...

Well, let me know if you want to get together or we can chat through email. I would love to hear more about your story

I look forward to talking to you soon.
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Hi,

I just read a few of your blogging entrys on your website. Some of what you wrote I feel the same way. Like about how me telling my story over & over again. I feel like people think ok that's enough already. Not a day goes by that I don't mention something about my daughter and or a thing that I remember her by. A store or something that I went into when I was pregnant or whatever the case may be I always find that I remmeber her in someway. I also see a lot of butterflies more so than I ever did and I like to think that's ***** around me. One day I came home from
somewhere and this butterfly was out near the car door and I walked up to the front door of my house and I swear the butterfly just was on my front door as ever so still but flapped its wings a few times and I couldn't help but go in and cry. It just said something to me. But I read a lot of your posts and things like that. My heart goes out to you & you
r husband & family. I can't imagine having to wait so long til May, but if you have to its possibly for the best. I hope you can try again in March, God Bless you. You're a beautiful bride by the way!
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Believe me when I say this, that grief is not some... Believe me when I say this, that grief is not something you can attach a timeline to, especially when it comes to grieving the death of your child. I think six months is unreasonable for anyone to expect you to be "over it" and getting back to normal. Your life will never be normal again. You are and will forever be the mother of a dead baby. She will never grow up and you will spend the rest of your life wondering what she would look like, act like, be doing at a certain age. It's a heartbreaking journey, one I don't think you will ever heal from completely. Your circumstances were so traumatic and life threatening that not only will you need time to focus on healing your body, but it will also take a good deal of time and energy to heal your soul. Cara is beautiful. By keeping a blog and connecting with some of us mothers who have also lost our children, she won't be forgotten, I guarantee it. I can't think of any mama I've met through this community without also thinking of her precious child. Sending you hugs and wishes for gentle days...
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Hi Laura, and Kyle. I don't really know what i am going to write, so if it comes out all incoherent and blurry, forgive me :)

Cara touched me, your story touched me, and i could not walk away from my computer and do my daily things without sending a message. I checked the blog, saw the beautiful video you made about Cara's story, Cara's life. I also read your blogs, and yea, shed a tear here and there, couldn't help it.
I too am the mom of an angel, **** also died in November, 2006 so its been longer ago.

I know this may not be what you want to hear, or completely true, but the sharing and the blog, i think it is amazing and strong. Cara is a beautiful baby girl, and the love shines from the blog and the pictures. Not just the love for your baby girl, but your love for each other, and your love for life. That is a precious thing to share with the world, so thank you for doing that. Hold on to that, even when it hurts.

I didn't learn to love life till i met my angel, his birth changed my life dramatically in more ways then one, but it did take me to where i am now, instead of seeing the world as a place that only brings dark things to my life, I see the world as a place that brought an angel to touch me so deeply I see light where i never saw it, feel love where i didn't allow that to touch me before, trust the path that i have to travel in a way i never dared before.

But sometimes, its easy to go down the dark lane and tears are close then smiles, those are the times I look around me and see other peoples stories, sometimes to make myself cry, because i am good in bottling up emotions and i need to let it out at times. So i went to your blog to cry, instead now i am crying and smiling at the same time, because your blog pointed me back to the road i wandered off from for a minute. You reminded me of how proud i am to have an angel in my life.

Thank you again, for sharing your story, I don't know you or how you heal, so i wont make a whole speech about that, it looks to me like you have found your path, and from what i have seen and read, you are very strong. There may be times where you cant be as strong or where you stray of the path you are traveling, If that ever happens, feel free to message me, ill be happy to try to help.

And.. don't let go of each other, the love i see on the pictures between you two shines so bright it is amazing to see, hold on to that.

Thank you for sharing your story, for touching me, and for making me see it's a nice spring morning i should be using to smile, walk out and see the nature blossom.
You and your Cara helped me to see that.

Lots of love, good thoughts and hugs are sent from Denmark to you,
*****